How We Met

I have already explained how I first met Flyingtart, but there was a second meeting that was most remarkable. It was just after the war, and I was in Instanbul setting up a business as an importer of baklava to Venezuela. Flyingtart was as beautiful as ever but had changed dramatically. Her clothing was elegant, and a certain savoir-faire, previously lacking, was evident in her every move. However, she was frequently in the company of two men whom I found quite strange, one short and anxious to please in an obviously insincere way, the other obese, with a menacing attitude hidden behind weird bursts of laughter. From time to time, all three spoke sotto voce, making reference to a mysterious "black bird" that they seemed to be seeking.

Nymtoc and I were standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles (I had recently failed my motorcycle road test). He said to me, "What are you here for?" I explained, "I couldn't make a U turn." He replied, "Hell, I could make her eyes bulge!"

I met MidLife after the show where he participated in a Dolly Parton look-alike contest. I'd run over to meet 'her' because i thought they were real.

I first met iLion after he had removed my appendix, and I was thanking him profusely from my hospital bed when the cops arrived and arrested him for impersonating a physician.

Well, this was back in the '90s when I was working security for GM Place. Right in the middle of a Hockey game this fool jumped over the glass and streaked across the ice. One of the players body checked him into the glass and I had to scrape his frostbitten ass off the ice afterwards. He thanked me and told me his name was Nymtoc.

It's odd how many times I've met Flyingtart. I've already described the first two times, but the third was perhaps the strangest. She was piloting a plane from Reykjavik to Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte, and when something went wrong with the navigation system she was forced to ditch the plane in Lake Michigan. Thankfully, everyone survived, and we all had a good swim.

The first time I met Nymtoc, I was walking past his house on a bleak and snowy day. As I neared a large snowman in his yard, it exploded wildly as Nymtoc burst out of it and scared the crap outta me. He said it was meant to be a joke, and that he'd been doing it to all the neighbors all week. He apologized for giving me a coronary, and we had a cup o' Java.

In a book store. I walked by the self-help section and he was trying to decide between How to ROAR Effectively and How to Treat Mice Nice. I told him to eat the mice and roar in contentment and then ran off before he decided.

Flyingtart and I met while I was fishing in the English Channel. She was on her latest attempt to pilot an aeroplane made entirely of pastry across the channel.

Needless to say I fished her out that day.... Nearly threw her back too.

I met DJ in Cuba not so long ago. Apparently, Fidel Castro is a huge fan of Woody Allen and DJ had disguised himself as Woody to fool him and have some fun and laughs. When I got there (disguised as Hugo Chavez) DJ was doing his bit and Fidel was rolling on the floor.

Thanks to Nymtoc I have a certificate as a registered digital prosthetic fitter in Greenland. Anyhow, I was the guy who had to find new toes for flyingtart. It was that ordeal that led me to join a monastery.

All I can say about her is.... I'm sure she makes a better first impression with her shoes on!

I met Drachen when I was vacationing in Greenland and he tried to steal my toes, claiming someone else needed them more. I made him feel so badly about it, I heard he ended up joining a monastery.

Storygirl and I met when I was running my tanning salon. She made some wild claims about permanent skin damage, or some such nonsense.

I met iLion when a customer of his had a complaint about one of his 'Avatar' tanning beds that was supposed to turn customers blue. It turned this one girl a nasty purple shade and she wanted to sue him. Anyhow, as a registered tanning bed installation and maintenance technician I soon found the root of the problem, we turned her the proper shade of blue and she decided to use the pictures she'd taken of herself for the lawsuit as an avatar for her Absolute Write persona.

I met Drachen Jager when he was leaving iLion's tanning salon and returning to his job as a pig inseminator (using the certificate he had recently managed to add to his other qualifications). "Pigs are the most fun to inseminate," he told me, and then--seeing my shocked expression--he said, "Don't get me wrong! We use boar's semen! Everything's completely sterile! Oh, dear, you didn't think I meant..."

I first met Nym right after that conversation he had with DJ. According to Nym, DJ confessed that the Pig insemination job was pretty good, but he had received some complaints from a few pigs that there just hadn't been enough foreplay to suit them.

I met iLion when he was masquerading as a pig during my career as an inseminator. I figured out he was human when he complained about the lack of foreplay.

I met DJ when he was wining and dining one of his porcine insemination clients prior to consummating the relationship. As I passed by their table, I said, "Nice skunk." DJ replied, "That's not an skunk, it's a pig." I replied, "I was speaking to the pig."

It was the oddest thing. Three cans of mushrooms fell out of my grocery cart, and there he was, helping me pick them up. Well, trying to. We bashed our heads together twice before I staggered back, saying, "All right, already, you get the buggers." He did, and I thought that was that, but when our carts tangled at the checkout it was obvious that Fate wanted more of us.

The rest...I will leave to your fertile imaginations.

Ahh, Matera the Mad. I met her years ago, when I was a certified shopping cart de-tangler. She invited me for a threesome with some shaggy, unwashed guy. I suggested we make it a twosome but for some reason she was into the guy.... No accounting for taste I guess.

Once upon a time, longish ago, in a land none-too-far away we met in a pub. He walked in and the look upon his face indicated that he needed a hard drink. I gave him a shot of vodka and he explained that some evil hag had cursed him, everything he loved would be burnt. Since his recent love had turned to dust, I gave him the bottle and he gave me a toast.