Agony Aunt

iLion

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Dear Harry -
You might tell the guys to quit gazing so intently you-know-where at your you-know-whats. Of course, they might actually try shaving themselves and find out it's really a great way to go and start a whole new trend in your neighborhood.

Dear Auntie -
I like your style of advice to people, and actually find it kind of exciting, if you know what I mean. What's your sign? Do you want to meet me for drinks after work today? Did I mention I drive a corvette? Yeah... I thought that might get to you. :)

Open shirt, Gold Chains, Lover Guy
 
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shakeysix

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Dear Master;
Max has probably stolen your dentures. How else could he whistle?--s6


Dear Auntie:

Our school cafeteria is serving Cowboy Stew with Cheery Cornbread and Mixed Fruits. today for lunch. What are the ingredients in Cowboy Stew? And, while we are at it, what makes cornbread cheery? Although I like Fruits as much as the next person what makes them vacillate so? Should I risk it or should I stick with my warm mayo and baloney sandwich?--s6
 

shakeysix

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Dear ilion--I don't know about Auntie but I am a fluttery, flirty Gemini who drives a 2007 Calibre with a bale of mulching hay and a bag of manure in the back seat. We can share a bottle of Mad Dog over pix of our grandkids!--s6

Dear Aunty:
I can meet men but I can't hold their attention. Any ideas?--s6
 

flyingtart

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Dear s6
Sorry, what did you say?


Dear Auntie
I am becoming more and more attracted to mars bars. Should I be worried?
Sweet Tooth
 

Drachen Jager

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Dear Sweet Tooth,
Is it the Martians or the beverages they serve? I am addicted to both myself. I just love me some Martian tail.... But, I digress. What was the question? Hmmm I could go for a bit of Martian ass tonight.

Dear Auntie,
My wife slipped some Viagra into my porridge, now I have an erection that won't go away. It's starting to hurt. What should I do with it?
 

Nymtoc

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Dear Boner,
Do you realize what a great opportunity this is? There are dozens of porn studios that can use you right now! Write me privately, and I'll give you some contacts.

Dear Auntie,
I am rugged male, considered handsome by many, but lately I've noticed that woolly hair is starting to grow all over my body, and my head is beginning to look like that of a sheep. What shall I do?
Baaa in Boise
 

flyingtart

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Dear Auntie,
I am rugged male, considered handsome by many, but lately I've noticed that woolly hair is starting to grow all over my body, and my head is beginning to look like that of a sheep. What shall I do?
Baaa in Boise

Dear Baaa
Get the shears out then get knitting!

Dear Auntie-
should i add marshmallows to my potato salad?--s6

Dear s6
Of course.


Dear Auntie
When is the best time to propose marriage?
Lovesick of Leningrad
 

Kaiser-Kun

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Dear Marshmallow Man,

Of course. As their name suggests, this squishy little things are a type of fungus that grows in a marsh. This particular area of New Orleans is harvested every day by a horde of 24-hour working slaves. Everytime one of them dies, another takes their place. Where do they get such numbers? Well, there's a lot of people who go missing every day in America only... are you enjoying your chocolate with marshmallows now?

Dear Auntie
When is the best time to propose marriage?
Lovesick of Leningrad

Dear Loser,

IT NEVER IS. No matter how long you wait, no matter how much effort you spend, she'll NEVER be reayd for marriage. Are you reading this, Natalia? I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDD

So I don't know.



Dear Auntie,

kleeba treeba gleeba fleeba.

xhjki
 
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Nymtoc

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Dear xhjk,
I don't speak Zarphatic.

Dear Auntie,
Last week my old buddy Mel told me that he is about to undergo a sex-change operation. I know this will be difficult for him, but it's going to be difficult for me, too. After Mel becomes Melissa, should I continue to treat him as I always have, or should I take a new approach?
Baffled in Berkeley
 

Kaiser-Kun

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Dear Baffled,

I recommend you take the customary steps. Approach Mel/issa with decisiveness, but not too much, and offer now-him/then-her a bouquet of flowers. One of them should bend down to make you appear as a lovable dork. Take him/er to dinner to discuss your relationship. After a few shots of tequila, things should flow naturally.

Dear Auntie,

010010010010000001110111011000010111001100100000011000110111010101110010011100110110010101100100001000000110001001111001001000000110000100100000001101000100001101101000011000010110111000100000011101000111001001101111011011000110110000100000011000010110111001100100001000000110111001101111011101110010000001001001001000000110001101100001011011100010011101110100001000000111001101110000011001010110000101101011001000000110000101101110011110010111010001101000011010010110111001100111001000000110001001110101011101000010000001100010011010010110111001100001011100100111100100101110001000000100100001100101011011000111000000100000011011010110010100100001

Lee Beloved
 

flyingtart

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Dear Lee
Now, I think you're being a little bit simplistic, don't you?


Dear Auntie
I get a sharp pain in my neck every time I read your column. What could be the cause?
Agonised of Angola
 

iLion

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Dear Agonised -
You're not the first. Had someone in Sweden have that happen from reading in the bathroom for hours on end. Also had someone in Ebonia have that ailment... she was trying to read during sex. Apparently, her mate was getting in the way which caused her to hold the paper far over to one side, which then caused the sore neck. If this is your situation, try asking your mate to move a little further back, so you can hold the paper directly in front of you. That should help.

Dear Agony -
I seem to have no short-term memory left. Why am I writing this?
Me
 

Nymtoc

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Dear Me,
You are luckier than most of us, whose minds are filled with tons of superfluous data. Have a drink and enjoy your affliction.

Dear Auntie,
For the past year, I have been dating Sheila, an absolutely gorgeous woman I met online, and I must say the sex is great! However, a few days ago I learned that Sheila has an identical twin sister, Barbara, and that half the time I've been going to bed with Barbara instead of Sheila! Should I let them know I've discovered their little game, or should I play along?
Dubious in Denver
 

MidlifeMark

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Dear Dubious,
Let them know you're on to their game, and invite them together next time.

Dear Auntie,
I just finished reading Dubious in Denver's question, and have concluded that I lead a dull, boring, sheltered existence. How come nothing like that ever happens to me?
Dull in Delaware
 

flyingtart

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Dear Dull
You are suffering from what doctors call "boringiosis tediosus". The only cure is to GET A LIFE.


Dear Auntie
I train and exercise for six hours per day but I still can't get my erection to go down. What do you suggest?
Stiff of St Helens
 

MidlifeMark

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Dear Stiff,
Take out the batteries.

Dear Auntie,
Last night I had a dream that I was a teepee. The week before, I dreamt that I was a wigwam. What is wrong with me?
Two Tents in Tampa
 

Nymtoc

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Dear Two Tents,
In a prior life your were called Hiawatha. Deal with it.

Dear Auntie,
I just found out that my wife has been having an affair with the garbage man. She swears she is innocent, but every time I come home from work I find shredded orange peels and fragments of tin cans in our bed. What should I do?

Miserable in Minneapolis
 

Liz Kelly

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Dear Two Tents,

Stop sleeping with your flap opened.

-Auntie.

==========

Dear Auntie,

I'm awfully gosh-darned as happy as baby clams in matching pink fuzzy sweaters. Should I be smacked in the gob?

Rainbows and buttercups 4-ever,

Giddy Gal
 

Kerlee

It's all a big misunderstanding...
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Dear Giddy Gal, You need to ask? Do it properly and use 4by2.




Dear Aunt Agony,

how can I live next door to these smelly feral pigs any longer?

The mud pie man
 

MidlifeMark

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Dear mud pie man,
Funny you should mention the feral pigs next door; they wrote to me just the other day and complained about you.

Dear Auntie,
It's cold outside.
Chilly in Philly
 

flyingtart

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Dear Chilly
Cold is nature's way of telling you to put some clothes on.

Dear Auntie
I have a strong compulsion to post rubbish on internet forums. Will it make me go blind?
Poster of Plymouth
 

Nymtoc

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Dear Poster,
If posting rubbish on Internet forums makes people go blind, half the world's population would be sightless. But there is a little-known consequence of such activity that researchers are just discovering: posting rubbish will slowly drain your creative abilities until you can no longer write anything but limericks. The choice is yours.

Dear Auntie,
I asked you this question before, and you didn't answer! Are you picky-choosy about which people you think are important, or what? I'll ask my question again, and this time I expect an answer!

I just found out that my wife has been having an affair with the garbage man. She swears she is innocent, but every time I come home from work I find shredded orange peels and fragments of tin cans in our bed. What should I do?

Miserable in Minneapolis
 

iLion

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Dear Miserable-
You're just being too suspicious, as she is obviously just having some private "me" time while you're away. Instead of accusations and worry, why not surprise her and join in on the fun? Come home unexpectedly someday, grab a couple oranges, a banana, and maybe a can of olives, and hop into bed with her to see where it goes! Sounds like fun! And you know what? For all you unfair thoughts, I think you should hand a big tip to your garbage man soon, slap him on the back, and tell him he's doing a great job.


Dear Auntie A -
I suspect my doctor is checking me out a little too closely during my physical exams, if you know what I mean. He seems to touch and grab and rub and poke around looking here and there with just a little too much enthusiasm, and well... I just don't know what to do. Should I stop having these weekly physicals or what?
- Bernice in Buffalo
 
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Nymtoc

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Dear Bernice,
Is the doctor good-looking? Does he gaze into your eyes when he is rubbing and poking? Does your breath come faster and faster? If you don't like what he's doing, why don't you tell him to stop? Why are you bothering me with such a silly question?

Dear Auntie,
I recently married a beautiful woman whom I had known only a short time. For some reason, she continues to avoid me every night and insists on sleeping in her own room. Maybe that's kind of normal with a virginal bride, but I had the impression she was a little more experienced than that. Oh, one more thing--she's taken out an insurance policy on me for a half million dollars. Do you think I have anything to worry about?
Concerned in Corona