Agony Aunt

Dear No Doubt,

You boyfriend sounds like jack-wad. Don't kill the poor bastard, just leave him. That will hurt him a lot worse.

==

Dear Auntie,

A friend of mines wants me to crit her first draft ms, but she can't write. Should I do it and lie to her and tell how good it is. Or should I squash her dreams?

Dear Anxious of Aberdeen,

Get him to a beautician immediately. The only thing you demonstrate with a letter like this is how poor of a wife you are. Any wife worth her salt knows men are incapable of grooming themselves. Learn to pick clean his fur or get an in-home hairdresser.


Dear Auntie,

My great grandparents adopted a full grown man in 1947. He's 95 years old now, and every girlfriend I bring home sleeps with him. He always tells me whether they're "keepers" after he's done. I'm starting to think I should take his advice. What should I do?

Jealous Virgin

Dear Jealous,

He's 95 and still bedding young ladies? You must find his secret and send it to me so I can give you the proper advice for your situation.


Dear Auntie,

I recently found a pair of women's underpants in my briefcase. This happened twice last month. These underpants are quite racy and feel great when I wear them but they're a little small. Should I leave a note in my briefcase and ask for a larger pair?

Squeezed in Snoqualmie

Dear Squeezy,

It's not the undies which are the problem. This is your wife's way of telling you to slim your fat ass. So go to the gym and start burning that flubber. Once you're able to fit perfectly inside those garments, the spark of love shall return to your life, one way or another.


Dear Auntie,

OW Help me! My girlfriend bought one of those OW vodoo dolls at OUCH Wal-Mart and won't stop YIKES poking it with YAAAARGH needles!

Dear Pokey

Hoo-boy, Freud would have a field day with this one! The needle represents your, ahem, manliness. You might think this means she wants to get frisky but she's using a needle. A skinny little, barely adequate needle! I'm going to send you an email with the secret to having a manhood that will keep your girlfriend happy. Please respond to any and all emails regarding this subject.


Dear Auntie,

My wife received a really nice Christmas present (a diamond necklace) and when I ask her who it's from, she just smiles and says "Santa." I think it cost more than my car. How did Santa know my wife likes expensive jewelry?

Perplexed in Peoria

Dear Perp:
Sounds to me that your wife knows what Santa craves.

Dear Auntie;
My fifth hour class should have been in their seats two minutes ago. The halls are quiet. No one in sight. Should I search them out or should I lock the door?---s6 ps--I am the teacher.

Nameless,

Just lock the damn door. It's every man, woman and child for him or herself.

__

Dear Auntie,

I kissed a girl and I liked it, but my boyfriend is sort of pissed off about it. What should I do?

~Totally Kissable

Dear TK,
Send pictures. Better yet, video. You may have a great future in movies you wouldn't want your mother to see.

Dear Auntie,
I've got a brother who I'd like to disown. How can I legally change HIS name?

Dear Only-child
Build a time-machine, go back in time to when he was born. Pay the doctor a bribe to change the name on the birth certificate. Really that answer was so simple it was staring you in the face, I don't know why people come to me with such simple problems.

Dear Auntie,
My privates itch during sex, what can I do?
- Itchy Willie

Dear Confused,
Don't forget Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and the New York Yankees.

Dear Auntie,
My pet peeve is people who attempt to write limericks with no respect for the rules of meter and rhyme. Can anything be done about such barbarians?
Poetically Licensed

Dear poetically licenced,

you need a special cap , find the poet in the hat and steal his, this will give you magical editing abilities.






Dear Auntie Agony,

I can't decide on a personal style and am a mish mash of eras, what can I do that won't take me years to fix it all???

patches

Dear Patches -
Not to worry! Make your next plot include a lot of time travel, then your characters, and other elements, can span many eras and styles. You may have a talent for it.

Dear Aunt Agony -
I'm going to the Caribbean on vacation soon, and I sure hate to go alone. Can you come with me for a couple weeks of perfect sun and secluded beaches? I've leased a yacht for the duration, and I'm sure we can find plenty to do.

LonelyGuy

Dear LonelyGuy,
As an albino with a sand allergy, I'll have to pass on the Caribbean, but would be thrilled to join you on your yacht, provided it stays docked. Bring Scrabble.



Dear Auntie,
I've just watched a movie that's clearly based on the story of my life. Should I sue the makers of Transformers 2?

Yours,
Optimus

Dear Optimus:
It is past judicatory measures. Those Hollywood bastards are in your head! Do you think they came up with your life story by chance? Not hardly! It is a well known fact that THEY are using the register scanners in WalMart stores nationwide to weasel into your subconscious and pirate ideas for their movies. Sad to say the Waltons are in on it too. Except for John Boy and Erin. What can you do? Move to western Kansas! Avoid all excitement! If you live an uneventful life they will have nothing to steal! --s6

Dear Auntie:
I believe that Amelia Earhart spent her final days charading as my Aunt Atanacia from Atchinson. I have evidence. In fact I can lead you to her Lockheed Electra cleverly disguised as a 1948 Minne Moline parked in our north pasture. It just chaps my fanny seeing all those big city folks spending their hard earned cash digging up that desert island. Should I inform the KBI?---s6

Dear flyingtart,

No one ever said you had to attend a christening with both feet on the ground. Book yourself a hot-air ballon ride, first thing, as they can be hard to come by. Next thing is, you need to enlist your local Brownie troop to make lots and lots of trusty tin foil hats and itty-bitty parachutes. Thusly armed, you will float above, dropping tin foil hats on all the alien heads, thus disarming them.

I can't for the life of me figure out why the tin foil hat people haven't figured this out before. This approach has always worked for me. I've yet to be abducted.

Dear Auntie,

Washing my mouth out with soap just makes me swear more. What am I to do with my filthy tongue?

Dear potty-mouth,

Stick your tongue up a whore's #$% then twirl it in a pot of &%#$ ^&#$. After that eat a huge steaming bowl of $&^$ &&%#(. Repeat every time you swear. Either you contract a terminal illness or you learn to talk nicely. Either way, problem solved!

Dear Auntie,
Will you be my mother?
- Orphan Annie

Dear Orphan Annie,

Yes, I will be your mother. But you have to bake cookies with me on Saturdays and let me put ribbons in your hair. Daddy will be so pleased. He hasn't had a fresh one since the last rotted in the spare room closet. The cookies I mean.

Dear Auntie,

How many puppies is too many. And what do you do with them when they're grown? The people at the pet shelter are starting to make funny faces.

-Animal Lover

Dear Zoophiliac,

NEVER STOP. Your puppies are giving a great service to the world, be it accompanying old people in retirement houses that nobody wants to visit, donating their organs to family-owned puppies, warming heads as nice and fluffy hats, or providing every taco stand with fresh supplies. Keep 'em coming, woof!


Dear Auntie,

I have like, this REALLY BIG PROBLEM. I'm always thinking that other people don't pay enough ATTENTION TO ME.

ME​

Dear Deflated,

Souffles are made of attitude and hot air.

You can't just march into the kitchen, with boots stomping. Put a book on your head and practice gliding like a model. Your souffle will be impressed. Furthermore, they know when you're unworthy. Have you tried self-esteem exercises?

Dear Auntie,

I've learned to procrastinate so well, I've even quit biting my nails. This is so exciting!!! What am I in for?

Claws on the Tex-Mex Border

Dear Claws,

Well, first off, before you begin to learn to procrastinate less I must remind you not to procrastinate about taking that next breath.... Oh...nevermind.


Dear Auntie,
My wife says she adores a shorn scrotum, but I'm afraid of what the guys in the locker room will say. Should I shave or not?
- Harry Balzac

Dear Claws...

You're in for a long ride. I've seen this before. Sure, it starts with the something basic like nail biting, but then quickly spreads to things like showering, dressing, paying bills - till finally, one day you awaken and realize you can even put off getting out of bed! Only way to break this cycle is to procrastinate putting things off. I recommend you start with something basic, like maybe... nail biting. If you can master nail biting without putting it off any longer, you will be well on your way to recovery! You can do it, Claws!


Dear Auntie:
Lately, when I enter a room where my dog, Max, is - he immediately starts looking around up in the air and whistling, and sorta digging his toe in the rug... you know, like he was doing something wrong and is trying to look all innocent. Should I be concerned?
- Master