Agony Aunt

Answer:
Dear Anxious of Gibraltar
Take showers. No need for plugs, and think of the money you'll save!

Dear Auntie -
My wife spends our money faster than I can earn it, and we're going deeper and deeper into debt every day. How can I put the brakes on this without upsetting her?
NoScrooge

Answer:
Dear NoScrooge,
You must create a diversion. To break your wife of her spending habits, give her a book featuring Claude Monet's paintings of water lilies. Next, build a lily pond in your back yard, where she can spend hours contemplating lilies instead of running around spending money. If this doesn't work, give her a book about Albert Einstein. Then create a "crop circle" on your lawn reading E=mc2. She will spend weeks or even months trying to figure it out. These techniques are foolproof.

Dear Auntie,
My wife's no-good brother has arrived with his camper, his wife, and six children, and they are living in my front yard. How can I get rid of them without upsetting my wife, who loves her brother dearly?
Desperate in Dubuque

Dear Desperate in Dubuque:

Send them on an errand to East Dubuque and then blow up the Julien Dubuque bridge before they return. --shakeysix


Dear Auntie--
I live in Arkansas and dead blackbirds are dropping all over my lawn. Would it be safe to bake four and twenty of them in a pie? My husband is in the counting house and the maid is at the er, so I really don't know if they are toxic---s6

Dear s6,
I would say it'd be safe for you. Those birds are dropping dead for a reason. In ancient times, when they wanted someone murdered, they threw poisoned bread to the birds at the park. The birds who ate it would fly over the victim's house and drop dead there, so that they'd be cooked and eaten by the inhabitants. One or two servings, and bam! Have you done something naughty to someone recently?


Dear Auntie,
YO, HELP ME OUT! My homies tell me that my speech ain't no real! I can't even get them to come to my crib. Them don't see that I'm a Gangsta, like, 4 real, yo!
Deep in Da Nile

Dear Worried of Hampstead
He doing the backstroke and you the butterfly?? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! It's when he does the breaststroke while you do the crawl (or maybe the doggie paddle) that will get you in real trouble.


Dear Auntie -
My girlfriend, who is otherwise quite normal, insists on flashing every truck driver we pass on the highway, and it makes me so mad! I've talked with her about it and she just laughs and flashes all the more. Should I be concerned about this?

Dear iLion,
I would insist on driving, and not let her anywhere near the high-beam switch.

Dear Auntie,
My wife is a horrible housekeeper. For example, about a week ago, I got up in the middle of the night to take a leak in the kitchen sink, and it was full of dirty dishes. I just don't know what to do.
Running Out Of Patience In New England

Dear Running.......
Do not take this lying down. It's serious, and you may want to take her in for counseling. If she just won't change, see if she will at least consider moving the dishes to the bathroom sink. As an alternative, have you considered leaving several beer bottles next to the bed, or simply going to the bedroom window? Let me know... I care.


Dear Auntie -
I recently saw my neighbor's husband sneaking around with my wife. Do you think I should tell her?
Neighborly Guy

Dear Exasperated,
Red fabric dye is easily available and not very expensive. Dye the entire dress a brilliant scarlet, and start a new trend in wedding attire.

Dear Auntie,
My 95-year-old neighbor, who has never been married, is filing claims against me, saying that I made inappropriate advances to her. This is ridiculous, since the closest I ever came to her was when I happened to reach down and pet her little poodle last week. What shall I do?
Innocent in Indianapolis

Dear Innocent,
You have been misinterpreted. Back in the ol' days, the sentence "I'm gonna go pet the poodle", was an unusual euphemism for ahem'ing. Go have a cup of tea with your neighbor, and if you don't pass out by the chlorophorm in it, I'm sure you'll be in a position to reach an agreement.


Dear Auntie,
I don't know where I am. Or who, for that matter.
Lost in New York

Dear Lost,
Every train or bus terminal in New York has a Lost & Found department. Go to one and wait. Someone will probably come along and claim you.

Dear Auntie,
My aged father, who is on his deathbed, was offended by something I said the other day. Now he says he's going to change his will, leaving me penniless. I've apologized for calling him "a disgusting old relic," but it doesn't seem to make any difference to him. His lawyers are coming tomorrow morning at 9. What can I do?
Devoted Son in Denver

Dear Nailbiter,

Tell him you're on the Dean's committee reviewing his tenure status. See if he changes his diagnosis.

Dear Auntie,

Someone in the office photocopied his naked backside, bad tattoo and all, and posted it on the bulletin board. I was initially blamed for it but when I showed the Human Resources Director I have no tattoos on my backside, she fired me. Now what?

Cracked Up in Crenshaw

Dear Cracked Up in Crenshaw;
Don't fret, it only means she has a crush on you. She is clearing the way for you two to date. Go ahead give her a call and ask her out. After all when you marry, she will be the breadwinner and you can retire early.

Dear Auntie,
While I am texting this email to you, I am speeding along on the expressway and for the last 20 minutes the fool in front of me has had his left turn signal on but he never changes lanes. How can I keep from being distracted by this stupidity?
Roaming Fingers

Dear Roaming Fingers,

Give in to the power of the dark side! Ram your car into that f&$@er, shove your fender up his tailpipe and then, as you drive by the wreckage of his car, wiggle your private parts in his general direction. If that won't teach him how to drive I have no idea what will.


Dear Auntie,

I admit it, I have bad B.O. it's plagued me for years. Yet I am allergic to deodorant. It causes pustules to well up in my armpits, hives across my back and shoulders, impotence and the doctor tells me it could make me go blind. Here's the dilemma, my wife says she'll leave me if I can't control my personal odour. What should I do?

Dear Don Henley,

Clearly this is a sign that Joseph Smith was the true prophet of God. Convert to Mormonism immediately, take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Do it now, in a New York minute!


Dear Auntie,

My ex-wife still wants to have sex with me. Is that strange? Also, I've only noticed this recently but she seems to have a penis. I don't know why I never noticed that before, is that normal when a woman gets divorced?

- Confused in Connecticut

Dear Hapless,
For starters, whip the potatoes until they reach the appropriate consistency. That failing, whip your husband until he reaches the appropriate consistency.

Dear Auntie,
At the local tavern, there is a contest on Wednesday nights where each all of the barstools are numbered, and a number is randomly drawn at midnight. The person sitting on the winning number gets to go into the back room and have free sex. My significant other and I have been going there for weeks and I haven't won; however, she has won three times so far. Do you think she'd be upset if I asked her to switch seats next week?
Unlucky in Love

Dear Unlucky,
You're not unlucky, you're stupid. Do you really think those numbers are "randomly drawn?" Slip the guy in charge a Franklin, the way your s.o. has been doing all along.

Dear Auntie,
I have green skin. Doctors have told me that this is an unusual condition, though not unheard of, and that otherwise I am perfectly normal. I am a rather pretty girl, yet men avoid me like the plague. What can I do to change this situation?
Chartreuse in Chicago

Dear Chartreuse,
You have a rare gift! A movie-star friend of mine exclusively dated green women, his name is Kermit and he's a bit on the short and skinny side but he pulled in seven figures last year!

Dear Auntie,
I have a bullying problem at school. Things were fine up until recently when I started gaining weight. Now I can't outrun them anymore. Can you tell me how to get the little kids to slow down so I can beat them up like I used to?
Brutish in Buffalo

Dear Brutish in buffalo, feed them CHOCOLATE. They'll stop chasing you to beat you up and start chasing for goodies. You'll be THE popular fat kid. Every class has one.

Dear Auntie,
My MIL came over and drank me under the table. What can I do to gain her respect?
Sincerely, DIL

Dear DIL,

Sign the two of you up for the next hot dog-eating contest and do your darndest to eat her under the table.

====

Dear Auntie,

My fiance doubts Shakespeare's authorship. (He claims it was Bacon all along.) Should he be murdered? And in what sorts of ways?

No Doubt