If anyone knows Toothpaste, please direct her here, or if you happen to see this thread, know that I'm sorry for being so ungrateful to you.
I know, I know, same song, last verse. But as much as I didn't want my anger and frustration to get out of hand again, it did, and I have no more excuses for it. It was wrong, mean, and inexcusably cruel.
You and countless others have been kind enough to hear me out, try to answer my questions, and give my work honest critique, and I disrespected all that with the way I've been acting. It was wrong, and I need to learn to be a better listener.
I know I hurt and frustrated many others too, but I'd be here all night and I want to keep this brief, I know, that's a rarity of mine.
I now realize it was true what you, Chaostitian and so many said about me was true, I often went into threads and posts angry, or frustrated, or acted like I didn't want any help, but used my threads as tools to fuel my doubts rather than my true intention of learning more about my craft.
That said, it's hard to hear the same advice over and over, like you'd done nothing different, when you know you nearly fried your brain trying to improve what could be improved.
I know everyone tells me it's okay to not agree with all advice, and to ignore what you like, but when all you get told is the advice you don't agree with, you finally try it and it doesn't work, or you still get the same kinds of advice four months later like you'd done nothing, or get told the exact opposite, it gets hard to know who's really right, even if no one's lying to you.
Maybe I just haven't grown up like I thought I had, and I don't mean that in a jerky self-pitying way, I'm being as honest and sincere as possible, I truly am.
For others who I've hurt or just pissed off because of my lack of tact and patience, I'm sorry.
All the best,
C.J. Rockwell
P.S. Quicklime, as hard as this is for me to admit, you were probably right about me. I was too narrow-minded selfish. I was also to chicken too write anything that wasn't my strength, or because when I really did give it my best shot, it was just a boring read or it simply didn't interest me in the end.
I've thought long and hard about everything you've told me, but I still believe that I have to like what I'm writing, or it'll just be fake. But I realize I'll have a more fun time of it if I just took more chances and were more flexible with my ideas.
But still, just because what you and others have told me was hard to hear, doesn't mean I wasn't listening, and just because I listened to your advice, and tried harder than you'll ever know to give your advice a chance, that doesn't mean it was always right, or that I could execute it perfectly.
One thing I know I've learned since first coming here is often the comments I hate the most are the sadly the most true. Maybe the reason you and others have rubbed me the wrong way is because I'm jealous, of how mature you are.
I tihnk about someone who told me I'm acting like a kid, and they're proabably right, there are days when I feel like I'll always be 12 years old, and those here who know me best know that was so not a good year for me on many levels.
On the other hands, there are many folks half my age or younger who are more mature than I ever was, and in some cases could ever hope to be.
But one thing will always be constant, I won't ever give up, and even if it takes the next seven years or more, I'll do everything in my power to make up for my heartless behavior from this day forward.
Even if that means just resisting the urge to snipe to start with.
I promised myself I wouldn't come back here and post again until I could make that commitment to myself, or I'll just be lying to myself and end up causing another blow up.
I want those days to be behind me now, okay?
I hope beyond hope I'm expressing myself clearly and honestly, because I am. But I know it's hard to tell with no body language and all, as someone recently told me.
I know, I know, same song, last verse. But as much as I didn't want my anger and frustration to get out of hand again, it did, and I have no more excuses for it. It was wrong, mean, and inexcusably cruel.
You and countless others have been kind enough to hear me out, try to answer my questions, and give my work honest critique, and I disrespected all that with the way I've been acting. It was wrong, and I need to learn to be a better listener.
I know I hurt and frustrated many others too, but I'd be here all night and I want to keep this brief, I know, that's a rarity of mine.
I now realize it was true what you, Chaostitian and so many said about me was true, I often went into threads and posts angry, or frustrated, or acted like I didn't want any help, but used my threads as tools to fuel my doubts rather than my true intention of learning more about my craft.
That said, it's hard to hear the same advice over and over, like you'd done nothing different, when you know you nearly fried your brain trying to improve what could be improved.
I know everyone tells me it's okay to not agree with all advice, and to ignore what you like, but when all you get told is the advice you don't agree with, you finally try it and it doesn't work, or you still get the same kinds of advice four months later like you'd done nothing, or get told the exact opposite, it gets hard to know who's really right, even if no one's lying to you.
Maybe I just haven't grown up like I thought I had, and I don't mean that in a jerky self-pitying way, I'm being as honest and sincere as possible, I truly am.
For others who I've hurt or just pissed off because of my lack of tact and patience, I'm sorry.
All the best,
C.J. Rockwell
P.S. Quicklime, as hard as this is for me to admit, you were probably right about me. I was too narrow-minded selfish. I was also to chicken too write anything that wasn't my strength, or because when I really did give it my best shot, it was just a boring read or it simply didn't interest me in the end.
I've thought long and hard about everything you've told me, but I still believe that I have to like what I'm writing, or it'll just be fake. But I realize I'll have a more fun time of it if I just took more chances and were more flexible with my ideas.
But still, just because what you and others have told me was hard to hear, doesn't mean I wasn't listening, and just because I listened to your advice, and tried harder than you'll ever know to give your advice a chance, that doesn't mean it was always right, or that I could execute it perfectly.
One thing I know I've learned since first coming here is often the comments I hate the most are the sadly the most true. Maybe the reason you and others have rubbed me the wrong way is because I'm jealous, of how mature you are.
I tihnk about someone who told me I'm acting like a kid, and they're proabably right, there are days when I feel like I'll always be 12 years old, and those here who know me best know that was so not a good year for me on many levels.
On the other hands, there are many folks half my age or younger who are more mature than I ever was, and in some cases could ever hope to be.
But one thing will always be constant, I won't ever give up, and even if it takes the next seven years or more, I'll do everything in my power to make up for my heartless behavior from this day forward.
Even if that means just resisting the urge to snipe to start with.
I promised myself I wouldn't come back here and post again until I could make that commitment to myself, or I'll just be lying to myself and end up causing another blow up.
I want those days to be behind me now, okay?
I hope beyond hope I'm expressing myself clearly and honestly, because I am. But I know it's hard to tell with no body language and all, as someone recently told me.
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