What are the Unwritten Rules of Romance Writing?

job

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What puzzles me somewhat is the way certain sexual acts are accepted in mainstream Romance and others are not.
(Not talking about Erotica or Romantica here.)

For every couple hundred books that go into detail in re tab A and slot B, there may be one mention of masturbation. The odds in real life, *cough*, are skewed differently.

I liked the insight that sexual intercourse or mutual physical arousal are 'about' the relationship. About the creation of a bond. About communication.
That's why sexxing shows up at length in Romance while essentially solitary activities, be they ever so sexual, do not. Folks do not have blinding revelations about each other when they're in bed in opposite corners of the house. In the same bed -- more likely.

Also . . . sexual relationships are the fantasy, aren't they? Folks do not turn to their lover, close their eyes, and imagine battery-operated appliances.

But sometimes I wonder why we don't get a mention of masturbation when it seems called for by the action of the book, especially when there's open and detailed depiction of sexxing.

So I feel like there's taboo at work here. Because of its rarity in mainstream Romance, I'd argue we can add masturbation as a 'forbidden topic'.
 
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Also . . . sexual relationships are the fantasy, aren't they?
Maybe so, but they're not (or shouldn't be IMO) completely unrealistic.
Folks do not turn to their lover, close their eyes, and imagine battery-operated appliances.
No, but they often turn to their lover, close their eyes and masturbate, either themselves or each other, with hands.

Anyway, I don't see how masturbation can kill off sexual tension. Hell, sometimes it makes it worse.

And wanking doesn't mean the person or character then ceases to want their would-be lover as much.

You don't have sex once and never want it again, do you? Why then, should the five-knuckle shuffle kill off your sex drive for a particular person?
 
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ellisnation

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You don't have sex once and never want it again, do you? Why then, should the five-knuckle shuffle kill off your sex drive for a particular person?

It shouldn't. I just think the general opinion is that it could kill it for the reader. As with all things writing, when done well enough, it could be spectacular.
 

job

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It shouldn't. I just think the general opinion is that it could kill it for the reader. As with all things writing, when done well enough, it could be spectacular.

Looking at the sex act in terms of plotting --

It's neat and tidy to build up sexual tension, add some relationship stuff that marches forward as the sexual act proceeds, and leave everybody satisfied in bed at the end of a scene.
This is a classic sequence.
(Details of hand, mouth, tab A and slot B and the actual level of heat are not important from a plotting standpoint. )

This is classic because it WORKS and it's satisfying for the reader.

When you depart from this classic sequence, it becomes a different sort of scene and you accomplish different things with it.

If our young woman arrives with popcorn and sixpack to find her boyfriend temporarily uninterested, you may not have one of the great lovescenes of all time. The comic possibilities, however, are limitless.
 
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san_remo_ave

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Hm. This topic really has me thinking.

Since masturbation is the stimulation of genitals (oneself or another's) with the exception of coitus, I would agree that self-masturbation is not that prevalent (I see either references or scenes of it once in every, say, ten romances I read), thought why I'm not really sure other than as a social more. Even though, as many have noted, it's quite prevalent, it's certainly still a 'behind closed doors' topic in mainstream romance (exclusive of erotica, I think).

However, masturbating each other? I see that a lot. Much of the historical romance that I have read, the first physical scene (or shortly thereafter) has the hero working 5-digit magic on the heroine straight to the big 'o', then they stop. Sometimes it's an interrupted interlude, but more often than not the hero gets the heroine off then waits. It's deliberate. It's also a way to elevate high sexual tension without deflowering the heroine, because once they finish the act it's expected that marriage will at least enter the conversation in a historical. It's also used to 'awaken' or 'prove' (often to both) that the heroine has feelings (or the hawts) for the hero.

*wanders away, pondering more*
 

sunandshadow

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I'll offer a man's POV here. I've been lurking around this thread because it's one of the best threads I've ever seen on AW.

However, I have to say that I find the above attitude is what I don't like about most contemporary romances. Who says sex is necessary for a deep, satisfying pre-marital relationship? Sex doesn't give one any more "window into their inner thoughts" than any other sort of shared activity. In fact, I think sex obscures people's real feelings, simply because it's an easy way to SIMULATE intimacy.

Interestingly (and surprisingly) of the people I know who have been married 20+ years and still consider their marriages to be very passionate, around half did not have sex before marriage (including my wife and me; we went out for two years, no sleeping together). This topic came up at a party once, so that's the extent of my scientific inquiry, but the results are interesting nevertheless. None of the people I refer to are fundamentalist Christians (I'm an Agnostic Jew). Perhaps the fact that such relationships cultivated the love and romance WITHOUT relying in any way on sex can account for the passion and longevity in the relationships.

Yet the irony in the romance genre --one of the "unwritten rules", it seems--is that if you have a hero and heroine who don't sleep together, it's consigned to the "Christian" romance back shelf. Very disappointing. I've read a number of contemporary romance novels, some quite elegantly written. I'd say three-fourths of them would have been more emotionally moving without the obligatory sex.
Personally I don't seek out sexless romances because I feel that I get forcefed a lot of unnaturally chaste romances in my tv and movie-watching, not to mention that I play online games many of which impose uncomfortable pg-13 restrictions not just on the game's official content but also on the players' personal interactions. And, let me emphasize again that this is just me personally, but to me a romance feels incomplete if it does not involve sex, and preferably also conceiving children. Such an 'incomplete' romance can be a great story, but vice versa, a great 'incomplete' romance still feels 'incomplete' to me. I write erotic/steamy romance, and that's what I consider the ideal form of romance simply because it's my personal favorite.

I do feel that sex does give a window onto someone's inner thoughts, or at least has the potential to do so - much like alcohol, arousal and pleasure lower inhibitions and distract people to the point where they may be unable to maintain a facade. I think if sex obscures peoples' real feelings they're "doin' it wrong". But yes it is possible for sex to be a negative force within a relationship and something people use as a distraction from true intimacy. I'd say once of my own philosophical goals as a writer of sexual romance is to show how sex and love ought to work together, and how readers should be aware that they don't always go together, and that a good sexual relationship is an important part of a good romantic relationship that people have to work at and think about to find out what works best for them as a couple.
 

brainstorm77

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Are there any rules these days? With all the new opportunities with the myriad of presses catering to every spectrum, I would think you could write just about any type of romance. And if it's well written, find a home for it.
 

Mr Flibble

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Originally Posted by Billingsgate
Yet the irony in the romance genre --one of the "unwritten rules", it seems--is that if you have a hero and heroine who don't sleep together, it's consigned to the "Christian" romance back shelf

It'd better not be, or I'm Pagan who's written a Christian novel....that would be most embarrassing. It's classed as Sweet, which is just romance without boinking and different to Christian or Inspirational (which clearly demonstrate faith in Jesus etc). Or at least it better had be, or I'll never be able to look Odin in the face again! :D
 

ThetProf

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A while ago Susan said that the heroine one of her current books was married but not to the hero, creating at least part of the conflict of the novel I assme. I have an outline for an historical where through a plot twist the hero and heroine, after pledging undying love, end up married to other people (they end up together of course in a wonderful HEA) but while they are married to others should they remain celibate? In reality, most likely, they would not, having no idea they will ever be together in the end and wanting/needing to make the best of a bad situation. But would readers freak out and throw such a book through a window or at least drop kick it across the room? I can think of a few examples of historical romances where once the h/h are identified as a couple the men have sex with other women but I haven't run across one where the heroine does.
 

Collectonian

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I think, as with all plot elements, that if it is done well, a hero or heroine can be married to someone else while being in love with (and even having sex with) their true partner. I've read a few contemporary romances where the heroine was married or otherwise in another relationship, but began falling for and sleeping with the hero before the previous relationship was fully ended. For the heroine, at least, it always seems to be an issue of forced or abusive relationship that makes it "okay". I think the main thing is having a plausible reason for their going outside their existing relationships to be with other, that also makes both sympathetic. It can't be just an issue of "I want you" :)
 

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I think the main thing is having a plausible reason for their going outside their existing relationships to be with other, that also makes both sympathetic. It can't be just an issue of "I want you" :)

There ya go. I told my editor I felt strongly I could make my heroine sympathetic enough that the readers will root for her when she finally gets together with the hero.

There's irony in the story with regards to what the heroine wants, and what she does. But...isn't life just filled with irony and less-than-perfect decisions?

I hope readers will give her a chance. But...I'm also thinking I might need to order an asbestoes, flame-proof suit. LOL.

Of course, the first reader is my editor. And if it doesn't fly with her, this is all a moot point. ;)

Susan G.
 

Satori1977

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Are there any rules these days? With all the new opportunities with the myriad of presses catering to every spectrum, I would think you could write just about any type of romance. And if it's well written, find a home for it.

It seems like certain types of romances have more (or different) rules than others. But overall, there are not many rules. You can write sweet, steamy, or battery-operated, and still find a home for it. :D
 

brainstorm77

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Agreed. Regarding sweet romance, there is still a market for it and it doesn't have to be christian. Just look at Betty Neels who has been reprinted through HQ, she always sells out rather fast. Her romances are downright prudish! Yet, I love em :)
 

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Goodreads has a thriving community called "Clean Romance" which just means romances without a lot of sex, violence, or swearing. The standard is more PG than G. But they specifically do not mean inspirational romance. A low heat level does not equal religious content.
 

Kweei

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Goodreads has a thriving community called "Clean Romance" which just means romances without a lot of sex, violence, or swearing. The standard is more PG than G. But they specifically do not mean inspirational romance. A low heat level does not equal religious content.

Really? Wow. I am going to have to check that out.

I read both, but I have more interest in romances that sway towards sweet. Thanks for this!
 

Satori1977

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Really? Wow. I am going to have to check that out.

I read both, but I have more interest in romances that sway towards sweet. Thanks for this!

If you like sweet romances, you should check out Catherine Anderson. I mostly like very steamy romances, but I adore her books. Definitely on the sweet side, though there is some sex. Just not that explicit. And a lot of her characters are Christian, but I wouldn't call it Christian romance.
 

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Really? Wow. I am going to have to check that out.

I read both, but I have more interest in romances that sway towards sweet. Thanks for this!

Sometimes I like sweet and sometimes I like steamy, but I like knowing what I'm going to get and being able to choose my flavor. ;) And I write sweet historicals.
 

JanDarby

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Avalon publishes sweet romances and markets them to libraries primarily. Sweet, but not in the inspirational category.
 

brainstorm77

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Sometimes I like sweet and sometimes I like steamy, but I like knowing what I'm going to get and being able to choose my flavor. ;) And I write sweet historicals.

I'm the same, I like variety.
 

brainstorm77

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Avalon publishes sweet romances and markets them to libraries primarily. Sweet, but not in the inspirational category.


I may be wrong, but I kinda got the idea that even sex behind closed doors is a no no with them from reading their guildelines.
 

Mr Flibble

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You know what, I've been thinking and I reckon there is one rule.

Write characters that are lovable.

Sometimes I like sweet and sometimes I like steamy, but I like knowing what I'm going to get and being able to choose my flavor. ;)

It's always nice to have a heads up.