*hides from the surgery talk because having to wait ~3 years for top surgery is awful*
, peeps. I hope everyone is well.
Lately I've been wanting to join something like Tindr/Grindr/etc but have been putting it off because, in the closed facebook groups I belong to, I keep seeing other trans men and transmasc peeps showing us screenshots of the awful hate mail they've received on such sites. Or I'm worried people would message me thinking/saying I'm an attractive woman which, depending on context, can almost be worse sometimes. I know the crap other peeps post about getting is only a tiny snippet of what they've likely recieved, and so I'm mega unsure with having no way of even guessing how frequent it would be or how prepared I am to deal with it.
I'm not even sure anymore whether I sincerely want to get laid, think it's worth the effort for its own sake, etc, or whether I just unhealthily think it will fix the fact that I feel deformed and undesirable.
I often felt unsightly and unwanted even before transphobia became part of my experience. Dysphoria was part of it: I used to look down at my body and think it was so gorgeous but so utterly not-mine. Where were my shoulders and hands, where was my face, my legs- where was I? But independently of that, I always sort of felt like, even if my body seemed well-formed and attractive to me, other people seemed to treat me as if I were actively unpleasant to look at. My face, my figure, my clothes- people took just those things on their own as some sort of implicit insult to their eyes. I catch myself wondering if the people who HAVE had sex with me were stifling barf the whole time, or if people who indicated they wanted to all just had some kind of ugliness fetish.
I wonder sometimes whether that's also twisted what I visually see. When I look in the mirror, quite often my face seems subtly asymmetrical and cracked, as of someone who's been in too many fistfights, or I seem to have these weird boney gawky joints or it looks like I move in unnatural and uncanny-valley-ish ways. I can't even tell if that's how I actually look or just how I THINK I look. Nor can I tell whether I've always looked that way to myself or whether it's something that came in after I started feeling ugly.
, peeps. I hope everyone is well.
Lately I've been wanting to join something like Tindr/Grindr/etc but have been putting it off because, in the closed facebook groups I belong to, I keep seeing other trans men and transmasc peeps showing us screenshots of the awful hate mail they've received on such sites. Or I'm worried people would message me thinking/saying I'm an attractive woman which, depending on context, can almost be worse sometimes. I know the crap other peeps post about getting is only a tiny snippet of what they've likely recieved, and so I'm mega unsure with having no way of even guessing how frequent it would be or how prepared I am to deal with it.
I'm not even sure anymore whether I sincerely want to get laid, think it's worth the effort for its own sake, etc, or whether I just unhealthily think it will fix the fact that I feel deformed and undesirable.
I often felt unsightly and unwanted even before transphobia became part of my experience. Dysphoria was part of it: I used to look down at my body and think it was so gorgeous but so utterly not-mine. Where were my shoulders and hands, where was my face, my legs- where was I? But independently of that, I always sort of felt like, even if my body seemed well-formed and attractive to me, other people seemed to treat me as if I were actively unpleasant to look at. My face, my figure, my clothes- people took just those things on their own as some sort of implicit insult to their eyes. I catch myself wondering if the people who HAVE had sex with me were stifling barf the whole time, or if people who indicated they wanted to all just had some kind of ugliness fetish.
I wonder sometimes whether that's also twisted what I visually see. When I look in the mirror, quite often my face seems subtly asymmetrical and cracked, as of someone who's been in too many fistfights, or I seem to have these weird boney gawky joints or it looks like I move in unnatural and uncanny-valley-ish ways. I can't even tell if that's how I actually look or just how I THINK I look. Nor can I tell whether I've always looked that way to myself or whether it's something that came in after I started feeling ugly.