The "T" Party.

kuwisdelu · Mar 24, 2016

Diana Hignutt said:
Use the Lady's Room. You're a lady. It's pretty simple, if you think about it. Be fearless.

I will.

I asked one of my friends if she'll go with me. She's got my back.

I love my friends.

It does seem like I have to start soon. I'm getting breasts. They're small but they're mine.

My biggest worry remains my voice, though.

Edit: Everything went great. Thanks! ^_^

Samsonet · Mar 29, 2016

so a while ago I listed my pronouns as they/them on my tumblr, a page I thought nobody went to. I didn't ask anyone to change what pronouns they were already using for me.

and then! my newest friend not only noticed the change, she actually referred to me as "they" and "them"! !!

i didn't know this felt so nice.

amergina · Mar 29, 2016

So, I'm trying to work up the nerve to go to Macy's and buy me a men's suit fitted to me this weekend. Gah. I'm sure it'll be okay.

Shadow Dragon · Mar 29, 2016

amergina said:
So, I'm trying to work up the nerve to go to Macy's and buy me a men's suit fitted to me this weekend. Gah. I'm sure it'll be okay.

One thing to keep in mind is that workers at big retailers have to deal with a lot of idiotic and abrasive customers. They'll happily deal with a customer that's polite regardless of the order than they would over a lot of others.

Also, do the high number of customers, they likely won't even remember you a week later. So, you'll be fine, and don't need to worry about it too much.

kuwisdelu · Mar 30, 2016

amergina said:
So, I'm trying to work up the nerve to go to Macy's and buy me a men's suit fitted to me this weekend. Gah. I'm sure it'll be okay.

I'd love to send you one of mine if we were the same size. Any chance you're 36/30 or 38/30?

Also, I'm alive. Yay.

amergina · Mar 30, 2016

I'm... actually not sure what size I am at the moment, hence actually going to get fitted.

I've lost a ton of weight in the past two years. I'm a woman's 10 for the waist and a 14 in a bra, but about a 12 in the binder. (compression FTW.)

kuwisdelu · Mar 30, 2016

Oh! That reminds me! I bought my first dress! And it actually fits and I look cute in it, I think.

Not that I can wear it outside for a while longer...

amergina said:
I'm... actually not sure what size I am at the moment, hence actually going to get fitted.

What color and style are you thinking?

amergina · Mar 30, 2016

kuwisdelu said:
Oh! That reminds me! I bought my first dress! And it actually fits and I look cute in it, I think.

Not that I can wear it outside for a while longer...

What color and style are you thinking?

Yay for cute dresses!!

I'm leaning toward single breasted and something either black or gray (light or dark). I like classic lines. I'm not all that tall as a guy (5' 7")

kuwisdelu · Mar 30, 2016

amergina said:
Yay for cute dresses!!

I'm leaning toward single breasted and something either black or gray (light or dark). I like classic lines. I'm not all that tall as a guy (5' 7")

So we're both right between the averages. Yay androgynous height.

I went from being slightly shorter than average for a guy to being slightly taller than average for a girl.

I'm 5'6" so still pretty average, but I feel SO much taller now. It's weird.

Opt for a gray or charcoal over black. Black jackets are good, but black suit spells funeral or secret service.

kuwisdelu · Mar 30, 2016

So I'm glad my friends at the Native center were so accepting, but I was a bit surprised they didn't have more questions for me.

Turns out they did, they'd just been asking our gay friend instead of me (despite me trying to reassure them they could ask me).

amergina · Apr 2, 2016

So, I went to the mall to buy a suit. Got terrified. Waited for a friend to come hold my hand....and walked into Men's Warehouse.

It was fine and fun and no one even blinked. All that panic over nothing.

I get to pick up my suit on Friday.

kuwisdelu · Apr 2, 2016

amergina said:
So, I went to the mall to buy a suit. Got terrified. Waited for a friend to come hold my hand....and walked into Men's Warehouse.

It was fine and fun and no one even blinked. All that panic over nothing.

I get to pick up my suit on Friday.

I know those feels. Cool! Post pics when it's done.

Maryn · Apr 3, 2016

It's heartening to realize how very many people are absolutely cool with trans customers or neighbors or whatever. It's just that the few who aren't are so freakin' vocal about it, you know? When I'm with our trans daughter in public, I'm sort of on the lookout for people who don't approve of who she is. It's nearly all older men, 55+. Their wives are fine. Young people may stare for a moment, but you can see them mentally shrug their So what? and return to whatever they were doing.

Amergina, what color suit did you end up getting? I do love a well-fitted suit. I second the request for pictures when you get it.

Maryn, thinking of Jimmy's suits in Better Call Saul

amergina · Apr 3, 2016

It's charcoal. I figured classic is best.

Maryn · Apr 3, 2016

Yup, a classic charcoal is a can't-go-wrong option, with approximately nine bazillion ways to combine shirts and ties. Are you a pocket square person?

amergina · Apr 3, 2016

Maryn said:
Yup, a classic charcoal is a can't-go-wrong option, with approximately nine bazillion ways to combine shirts and ties. Are you a pocket square person?

In fact, pocket squares were bought.

Maryn · Apr 3, 2016

Excellent!

Maryn, rubbing her hands like Monty Burns

kuwisdelu · Apr 3, 2016

So lately I've been struggling with when to come out to my advisor. I'm reasonably confident she'll be supportive, but I'd like to tell her in person. I'll probably be continuing with her for a postdoc in Boston, so I'll likely be with her for another year at least.

I'm also struggling with when or how to come out to my PhD committee. I defend on August, by which point I'll be 6 months on HRT, and while it's a roll of the dice how noticeable the changes will be by then, I'll probably have to tell them at some point.

Maryn · Apr 4, 2016

I'm not the expert some here have become through experience, so add a grain of salt to my recommendations.

Set up a meeting with the advisor sooner rather than later, either just a few minutes to share this and stress how it should not impact your work, or mentioned during a meeting on some other aspect of your work under her supervision. Since you anticipate her support and hope to continue with her in Boston*, she deserves to know early on. It's possible she may have noticed small changes even before you committed via HRT, like mannerisms, no-gender clothing choices, or shaped brows or nails, so she may not be surprised.

Whether you share this with the PhD committee or she does, and when and how, might be something you discuss and decide together. I don't know her, of course, but it's possible she'd be at ease doing this for you, or with you. At six months of HRT, the physical changes will probably be apparent. The committee should know well before your defense, and probably before it's obvious to anyone to actually looks at you closely, even if you are presenting your public self as androgynous at that point rather than female.

Maryn, handing you the salt shaker

* If you're in Boston for a year, try again to meet up with my daughter?

kuwisdelu · Apr 7, 2016

Well I'll be back in Boston at the end of the month to help with a short course the first week of May. I hope to tell my advisor and the rest of the research group then.

Trying to decide whether or not to tell our former department head when I see her next week.

Maryn · Apr 8, 2016

I understand it's a sensitive thing, when and whether to tell people, but I also sense that withholding it makes it seem somehow shameful to be what you are. Which, we all agree, is not the case.

When our daughter first transitioned, I didn't tell people, especially those who knew her before. But over time, I decided that not telling people, allowing them to continue to think of her as a dude, was tantamount to being embarrassed or ashamed of her, which I am not.

So yeah, I lean toward telling the former department head. You, of course, know yourself and your situation better than anyone, and will act accordingly.

Maryn, ain't ashamed of nothin'

Diana Hignutt · Apr 8, 2016

My advice is always: Be Fearless.

kuwisdelu · Apr 8, 2016

Ugh. These days I hate my voice. Talking to people is an exercise in concentration and stress management.

I wish my mom hadn't chosen that to criticize the most about me.

Maryn said:
I understand it's a sensitive thing, when and whether to tell people, but I also sense that withholding it makes it seem somehow shameful to be what you are. Which, we all agree, is not the case.

My main concern is really just my committee, since my defense is just a few months away.

Which made me plenty nervous before all of this already.

kuwisdelu · Apr 8, 2016

Maryn said:
When our daughter first transitioned, I didn't tell people, especially those who knew her before. But over time, I decided that not telling people, allowing them to continue to think of her as a dude, was tantamount to being embarrassed or ashamed of her, which I am not.

I hope my parents come around to that. My father sarcastically asked if he's supposed to say I'm his daughter now when people ask about me like it was the craziest, hardest thing in the world. My mom is still in full-on denial mode.

DancingMaenid · Apr 8, 2016

Maryn said:
When our daughter first transitioned, I didn't tell people, especially those who knew her before. But over time, I decided that not telling people, allowing them to continue to think of her as a dude, was tantamount to being embarrassed or ashamed of her, which I am not.

You sound like a very supportive and perceptive parent.

This isn't trans-related, but when I came out as bisexual to my mom, she was very accepting but told me I shouldn't tell any of our extended family. I know she didn't mean to imply she was ashamed or that I had anything to be ashamed of. I know she's just a very private person who is very guarded due to some toxic family relationships. But it put doubt into my mind as to how accepting she really was, and it made me feel like I had to stay closeted for her benefit.

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