The "T" Party.

sadbeautifultragic

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Basically what Becca H said. I'm not out yet so I can't speak from personal experiences, but a really close friend of mine had a really similar experience to yours.

All you can really do is prove her wrong. When she sees it happening, and see's who you really are, and that none of this bad stuff is happening, she'll improve.

This is pretty much what happened to her. Her parents were really hesitant about it at first but once she was maybe a year into hormone treatment and really "getting there" her parents started seeing the difference; how much happier it made her and how much more "herself" she seemed.

*big hug* Just keep being you. I remember how difficult it was for me when I was first realizing who I was, how difficult it was for me to finally accept "okay, this is who I am, and I'm going to love me regardless." The people around you have to go through that, too.

*second big hug*
 

Shadow Dragon

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And now mom is on me about living in a fantasy world (the internet) with imaginary friends (my online friends). I'm trying not to get too upset about that since she comes from a different era but it does piss me off that she's writing off the great friends I've made online as imaginary and saying that all this is just make believe.

On a much brighter note, I also came out to my oldest friend and he was completely accepting.
 

Shadow Dragon

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We had another talk and she's completely adamment that she won't ever accept me as her daughter, that I'll never be female, that I can not live in my parents house as a female, and that none of the facts I've giving her can be trusted since it's from the internet. There was some yelling and tears (from me) in there as well. I guess I'll just have to man up (heh, irony) about my anxiety issues and get a job and move out. And not talk to my mom about it again. But getting a job is going to suck without having a car.
 

sadbeautifultragic

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Sorry, Shadow Dragon. It sounds like she's just really un/misinformed and all you can really do is hope she'll come around. If you're into God I'm praying for you and if you're not, I'm hoping and wishing for you, too.
 

Becca_H

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It's very, VERY early Shadow Dragon. My mum went into a really dark mood for six weeks when I told her I was doing it.

It's a temporary state. Promise.

Also, internet friends aren't internet friends. They're friends, who you happened to first meet on the internet, who you mostly use the internet to keep in contact with. I saw a statistic somewhere that said millenials maintain like 80% of all their social relationships online.
 

Becca_H

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Forgot to mention: A lot of what she's saying is probably meant to STOP you transitioning, which will be your mum's mindset right now. Threatening to kick you out if you live as a girl doesn't mean she will.

I would suggest giving your parents time to get used to the idea, but don't allow them to dictate when you transition, because then you'll find they probably won't ever be "ready". A couple of months, maybe? Keep it fresh in their minds during that time, but after then, it's worth a go.

All my mum's fears about being hurt or what the neighbours will think were proven completely unfounded to her. And I live in a very conservative part of the UK.
 

Shadow Dragon

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Like I said, I am still going to go through with the transition in the coming year but I'll just go out and do it away from her. When she's ready to talk calmly about it, I'll listen. Until then, I'll help with money problems if they need it, to pay bad for the twenty some years they took care of me, but that's it.
 

Caitlin Black

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Wishing you all the best. :)

I imagine it must feel liberating to have come out to your parents, even if they're being a bit annoying about it. It's like you've just jumped the first hurdle!
 

Caitlin Black

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Sometimes what we need is to start rolling down the hill. It might seem impossible to stop, but you're on your way, which is better than having never started.

/inspirationally-inscrutable

At least, that's the way I hope it works, for all our sakes.
 

kuwisdelu

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Best of luck, Shadow! As others have said, it is still really very early, and this is a lot for them to comprehend right now. Do what's comfortable for you, but it's too soon to write them off entirely. *hug*
 

sadbeautifultragic

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Again, good luck, Shadow Dragon.

I just spent thirty minutes repeatedly clarifying the difference between "transgender" and "transsexual" for my family. And they don't even know I'm trans so when I got all worked up about it they were like O_O okay, T, sorry.

That really bugs me though! I mean, a lot of the time it's an honest mistake, and one I used to make all the time, but still.

Also, earlier today I tried wearing my binder and a posture-correcting bra on top of it and I'm now so, so, so, so happy with going out in public in something besides a hoodie that's way too big for me. :heart:
 

Shadow Dragon

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Well, mom's been acting a bit more rational lately. Still says she'll never consider me to be her daughter but isn't as upset about it but she does still think that it just stems from my other issues. Baby steps, I guess.
 

Mara

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Hello everyone! Finally back from Norway, and will get to that at some point soon, but wanted to catch up on the past few months first.

How is everyone?

Games are calculated to make you feel like you accomplished something. They're more fun than real life because the balance between effort and reward is precisely geared to human instinct. The odds of winning classic card games fall in this range too. Then you come out into life where projects sometimes get interfered with by health concerns, other people's schedules don't fit yours, various conflicts come up and wham, the game seems so much more satisfying than real accomplishments.

That's a very good summary of the issue, and one I was having. It sounds like you've got a sensible plan for avoiding it, and I hope everything is going well with you and Prescription Strength Cat. :) And I hope things go well with your writing career, too.

Had a nice surprise this morning.

Got out of the shower, sent my still-growing hair out of my eyes, looked in the mirror and...

I believe my exact words were, "That's HOT!" Said like a valley girl, of course. :tongue

So yay - my hair's starting to get to a decent length that makes me think it looks good. Hooray!

[removed by Mara to save space]

Unfortunately, I have to comb it back, because if it dries without being combed it looks like an unkempt mop.

/ramble

Awesome! :)

I used to have the "unkempt mop" thing going on. That early stage of growing your hair out can be kinda difficult, but once it gets to a certain length, it usually starts sorting itself out more. It's amazing how much difference the extra length makes, in particular because it weighs your hair down a bit and changes the way it rests.

I have been considering hair clips or whatnot, to keep the front/side parts in place... I'm forever brushing hair out of my face.

Hehe. The hardest part of having long hair, for me, is keeping it out of my mouth when I'm trying to eat. It took me a while to get used to that.

So, I'm really happy. Today I was at one of those just-for-kicks grammar lectures (yep, I'm lame) and I raised my hand, and when the instructor called on me, he referred to me as "that gentleman in the back." Of course I was so ecstatic I replied "thanks, sir!" like a whimpy little girl, and he was embarrassed, but still! He thought I was a dude! Whooooooop!

:D Congrats! That still makes me really happy now, after I've kinda gotten used to being usually read as female. I had a conversation with a woman at the airport and she assumed I was a typical straight girl, which was kinda funny and made me feel good, even though I had to correct her on that and it was slightly awkward. (Not on the "girl" part, but on the "straight" part. Mostly because I mentioned my "fiancee" and that sounds just like "fiance.")

Nice. :D

I always get a kick when someone thinks I'm a girl. The best one was some homeless guy called me "Ma'am". Or was it "Miss"? Either way, the next day I gave him a bunch of change - taken in my wallet for the express purpose of giving it to him. :)

:)

The little things like that are the best. Even just getting "sir" at the grocery store or something, it's awesome, and I love it. :)

Yes, it's awesome. :D And it never really gets old.

Oh my flippin everything holy, the bolded part. Kill me.

I'm not gonna quote that guy's garbage again, but I wanted to assure you that when I rule the world, people like that will be taken to the Dungeon of Doom under my Fortress of Despair and fed to my cyborg vampire minions.

I just wanted to let people know I've modified the AW profiles now so that if you go

CP-->Edit Your Details and then scroll down to the section labeled Additional Information, I've changed the options under Sex:

Female
Male
Other
Prefer not to disclose

When a user creates an account, they can chose to ignore the section entirely, but Mac and I wanted to make it editable, and less restrictive.

YAY! That's really awesome. :)

I actually like dresses and heels, but it's the enforced gender roles that make me uncomfortable.

*vibes*

I don't really like wearing men's clothes, but I could do it. The gender roles thing is what bothers me most, too.

Finally had the talk with my mom.

Forgot to mention: A lot of what she's saying is probably meant to STOP you transitioning, which will be your mum's mindset right now. Threatening to kick you out if you live as a girl doesn't mean she will.

I would suggest giving your parents time to get used to the idea, but don't allow them to dictate when you transition, because then you'll find they probably won't ever be "ready". A couple of months, maybe? Keep it fresh in their minds during that time, but after then, it's worth a go.

All my mum's fears about being hurt or what the neighbours will think were proven completely unfounded to her. And I live in a very conservative part of the UK.

My experiences were very much like Becca_H's, and that thing about kicking you out is probably mostly coming from a stupid belief that she can talk you out of transitioning. My mom pretty much tried the same crap with me, and worried about what everyone would think, etc. Now she's a member of PFLAG and has commented that she likes me a lot more since I've transitioned.

Again, good luck, Shadow Dragon.

I just spent thirty minutes repeatedly clarifying the difference between "transgender" and "transsexual" for my family. And they don't even know I'm trans so when I got all worked up about it they were like O_O okay, T, sorry.

That really bugs me though! I mean, a lot of the time it's an honest mistake, and one I used to make all the time, but still.

Also, earlier today I tried wearing my binder and a posture-correcting bra on top of it and I'm now so, so, so, so happy with going out in public in something besides a hoodie that's way too big for me. :heart:

I think the big issue is that so many contradictory definitions of "transgender" flying around that the word is starting to lose meaning. It originally meant "not a crossdresser, not transsexual, but similar" and now it's often interpreted to mean "umbrella category, including crossdressers and transsexual people." And the media (and a lot of transsexual people) just tends to use it to mean "transsexual." So, I understand the confusion.

Congrats on the binder. :D It kinda reminds me of when I was so happy to have some new clothes, because I was sick and tired of wearing the same two girl shirts because they were my only options that looked decent.

Well, mom's been acting a bit more rational lately. Still says she'll never consider me to be her daughter but isn't as upset about it but she does still think that it just stems from my other issues. Baby steps, I guess.

Wow, she's going by the book in terms of how she's reacting. Like, there's a typical pattern and she's hit every note so far. If she follows the pattern, she'll probably next try to wait you out because she thinks it's a phase, and then get impatient and try talking you out of it again, and then say she'll always see you as (insert wrong name and gender here), and then sorta maybe try to help while calling you the wrong things, and eventually start accepting you for who you really are.

Anyway, I'm so sorry you've had to go through that, and I really hope things improve.
 

Mara

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Hi everybody! :) I'm finally back from my three months in Norway. I meant to post that I was going, but ended up without good internet access for a while. So, I apologize for worrying anyone. But I have good news.

I. Am. Feeling. GREAT.

My fiancee's grandparents unexpectedly gave her a great birthday present. Namely, a plane ticket for me to come to Norway. :D

I had loads of fun meeting my fiancee's extended family. And my fiancee and I got even closer and confirmed to ourselves that we were really happy living together and wouldn't get on each others' nerves except with little minor stuff. :)

I just want to take a moment to gush about my fiancee. She's sweet, incredibly funny and witty, brilliant, interesting, creative, protective, and loving. She's a role-playing gamer with a huge collection of White Wolf books, and she's also a freelance RPG writer who has a few writing credits to her name and is likely to have a big one soon (which I can't talk about yet). She's the best RPG writer I've ever seen, hands down, and that's not just bias speaking. And while I'm not focused on appearance, I have to add that she's tall, pretty, in good shape, and has the greatest smile ever. Oh, and of course, her hair is long and always dyed blue, cause you gotta have blue hair, right? Her usual outfit is black jeans, a black leather jacket, a girly shirt underneath, some Goth jewelry, and a genuine honest-to-God surplus Red Army beret that she bought from a cheap tourist shop in Berlin. (She wanted to mock the Soviet Union in the most capitalist way she could, and thought she bought a cheap knockoff, but recently realized it was actually the real thing.)

So, basically, my fiancee is fucking awesome. That fact alone makes me feel happier and more confident. But that's far from the only thing.

In the process of going there, I got a passport with the right gender on it, a driver's license with the right gender on it, and badly-needed eyeglasses. Seriously, I had no idea how bad my eyesight had gotten until I finally got glasses. I'd stopped reading as much because it was a strain, but now I'm back to my old book-hungry self. (EDIT: Also, the glasses look good on me and convey the image I want to convey. :) )

While I was over there, my voice improved greatly and is now rather consistent. I lost ten pounds and got in much better shape. I broke a lot of bad habits. I solved a lot of mental hang-ups, anxiety issues, and lingering depression. I got a better haircut.

I also did _really_ well at socializing with her family and other people, gained a _ton_ of confidence, and bought a whole _pack_ of _underscores_ to use when explaining it. :p

After a while, I just got used to that stuff. It became normal. I stopped noticing it. I started wondering if I was imagining things, if I hadn't really lost that much weight, if my health hadn't improved that much, if my voice was really any different.

And then I got back home to the United States. And I finally had a familiar benchmark to measure my progress by. The results were amazing.

My parents immediately commented that my voice was different. They also noticed I'd lost a lot of weight. When I walked around on all this strange American flat ground*, I felt superhuman compared to how I used to feel when I walked here. Turns out walking up and down hills every day kinda has an impact.

Oh, and I'm no longer constantly craving unhealthy foods. Which is weird, because that's the majority of what I ate in Norway. But Norway's junk food is healthier than ours, and I think it helped me kick my sugar addiction.

I feel like I've mostly completed transition. I've gotten my life back together. My brain is working right. My offline social skills have gone from "terrible" to "noticeably above-average," and the same can be said of my health.** I went to Norway feeling frustrated that my life was still on hold, feeling like I couldn't quite grow up. I came back feeling like an adult. A confident, happy adult.***

So, I'm doing great. :)

*They don't have flat ground in Norway. It's against their religion or something.

**Okay, well, my health is above-average by the standards of the not-so-healthy southern rural area where I live. It's probably not all that great compared to more healthy places.

***It's a good thing that I feel like an adult now, because I turned thirty while I was in Norway. And now I don't have to be embarrassed to admit that, because I no longer worry that I come across like a fifteen-year-old.
 

Caitlin Black

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That's fantastic Mara!

Funny you should mention feeling like an adult... I have the same problem. I'm 28, and still feel like a 15-year-old. I think perhaps part of feeling like an adult is being treated like who you really are, maybe.

So it makes sense that I still feel like a teen, and you're starting to feel like the adult you are. Just a theory, of course.

And yeah, getting hair in my mouth while trying to eat is really annoying. :tongue Last time I wound up with Szechuan sauce in my hair. Ack!

Hair is a learning curve. :tongue
 

Shadow Dragon

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Don't you love it when assclowns try to play scientist? Or bring up religion in court cases?

“A so-called sex-change surgery can make one appear to be the opposite sex, but in fact they are nothing more than an imitation of the opposite sex,”

“Here, petitioner has not even had the surgery by which his sex purports to be changed. Thus, based on the foregoing and the DNA evidence, a sex change cannot make a man a woman or a woman a man all of which, the Court finds is sufficient in and of itself to deny petitioner’s request for a name change,” he wrote.

“To grant a name change in this case would be to assist that which is fraudulent,”

“It is notable that Genesis 1:27-28 states: ‘So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them… The DNA code shows God meant for them to stay male and female.”

The report also read that he did not want to be “complicit in legitimising sex changes through changes of names.”
http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2012/09/16/us-oklahoma-judge-denies-name-change-for-those-transitioning/
 

sadbeautifultragic

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Whenever I tell someone I'm trans and they bring that up, I always say the same thing. I'm a really big believer in God. I don't belong to any specific religion, and I'm not really all for the Bible, but I do believe in God and I believe he/she/it made us the way we are -- cis or trans or gay or whatever -- for a reason. You know? And if there really is a god, and if we all really did come from him and if he really does love all of us, I don't think he'd be a sexist homophobic racist prick who only loves the people who make the only life they have completely revolve around him. Because if there is a god like that, I don't want to believe in him. Some of us are trans, some of us are cis, whatever, but either way it's just who we are and if there is a god, he loves that about us, and he probably just figured we're so strong. We can handle a bit more.

And then generally they walk away (and I like to think they re-evaluate their beliefs, too.)

Anyway, there's my two cents. Sorry for the speech.

P.S. What a great place for my 600th post! Yaaay. <3
 
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Kim Fierce

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This is one reason I am becoming fascinated lately with Native American tradition. People who are genderqueer were (and possibly today still are)considered spiritually enlightened, and were regarded as healers and counselors. I've been trying to learn more but I'm not sure where to start.

When I was a teenager I read a historical fiction novel that included a little bit about this, and even though I can't remember the book now, it's something that always stayed in my mind.
 

Shadow Dragon

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One thing to add to what Kim said, you got to keep in mind that tribal culture in North America was not homogeneous. It greatly varied from one tribe to another. Some considered genderqueer people to be enlightened and connected to the spirits but some didn't.
 

Kim Fierce

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That is something to consider, too, ShadowDragon. In trying to look things up I wonder sometimes which are universal and which aren't.
 

Diana Hignutt

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This is one reason I am becoming fascinated lately with Native American tradition. People who are genderqueer were (and possibly today still are)considered spiritually enlightened, and were regarded as healers and counselors. I've been trying to learn more but I'm not sure where to start.

When I was a teenager I read a historical fiction novel that included a little bit about this, and even though I can't remember the book now, it's something that always stayed in my mind.

Many shamanic traditions hold this view, all across the world.