The "T" Party.

Caitlin Black

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Nice. :D

I always get a kick when someone thinks I'm a girl. The best one was some homeless guy called me "Ma'am". Or was it "Miss"? Either way, the next day I gave him a bunch of change - taken in my wallet for the express purpose of giving it to him. :)
 

sadbeautifultragic

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The little things like that are the best. Even just getting "sir" at the grocery store or something, it's awesome, and I love it. :)
 

Caitlin Black

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I'll trade you the "Sir"s I get for the "Ma'am"s you get. Deal? :)

Actually, what I've found is that now that my hair is longer (and I look more androgynous) I get less male pronouns directed my way than I used to. It's not that people are switching to female pronouns - I'm getting hardly any of either.

Just realised that, actually... :)
 

sadbeautifultragic

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Yeah, I know how you feel. I'm finally getting to that point where when people look at me they aren't sure whether to call me "sir" or "ma'am" and (although obviously I'd prefer them seeing me as a dude) that's better than everyone assuming I'm a lady.
 

Shadow Dragon

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So, I just stuck the note on my mom's computer desk since both parents were out of their bedroom. Now I play the waiting game. Fuck, I'm panicking like hell.
 

Shadow Dragon

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Mom saw the note but she was heading out when she found it. She said we'd talk about it later and that she'd be the one to tell dad. So, more waiting.
 

thebloodfiend

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Yeah, I know how you feel. I'm finally getting to that point where when people look at me they aren't sure whether to call me "sir" or "ma'am" and (although obviously I'd prefer them seeing me as a dude) that's better than everyone assuming I'm a lady.

I'm not even trans, and my entire life, up until college, was like that.

Of course, they always went for "sir," just because it's less of an insult to call a girl a guy than a guy a girl I guess.

When I was younger, I was told I'd make a hot guy. People are stupid. (though, it's true, I guess)

Good luck with your progress, though.


Question -- If a family member psuedo-outed themselves as trans to you, what do you do? Especially if you have to communicate over email since they're overseas? I don't care, one way or the other (well, I find it odd, since it sort of came out of the blue and I haven't seen them in months). I told them I was alright with it, asked for clarification, yet I got nothing. Figured I'd leave it alone.
 

Kitty Pryde

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Mom saw the note but she was heading out when she found it. She said we'd talk about it later and that she'd be the one to tell dad. So, more waiting.

Hope everything's going okay for you! Your friends on the internets are sending good vibes!
 

Shadow Dragon

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Mom came back and we did the standard small talk thing. It never came up. I don't think she's told dad yet but I can't say for sure. I'm happy that she didn't have a strong reaction but at the same time, I kinda want to have the talk already so that it'll be over with.
 

Caitlin Black

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Personally, I think it's a victory of sorts that she hasn't talked about it yet... Like, if she was going to go off the rails, it probably would've happened already, right?

Good luck anyway. :)
 

sadbeautifultragic

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"are you saying that this is an actually term for being a certain gender before you change? that is one of the most retarded things i've heard in a while..... but although i guess i can classify as that, it still means you are a female. thats attracted to men. so as of now u are a straight female untill surgery. then u will be a gay male....but i need to say i dont see the point of changing if your still going to be attracted to men? that seems like it will lower your chances of finding someone due to the fact that majority of men arent gay..."

Oh my flippin everything holy, the bolded part. Kill me.

"transgender IS NOT what you are. if your transgender just cuz you say so then im a fucking dolphin"

Someone. Seriously. Said. This. To. Me. *facepalm*

I was being nice, and trying to get him to grasp the concept of someone identifying with the opposite sex but he just completely either ignored me or didn't understand, and this is what I got.

PEOPLE WHO TRY TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE WHO THEY CAN AND CANNOT BE WITHOUT EVEN BEING WILLING TO UNDERSTAND OH MY GOODNESS. *tears hair out*
 

DancingMaenid

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strategic_tragedies: Things like that really raise my blood pressure. Especially when people don't understand what trans people can be gay/lesbian. That seems like a common stumbling block, and I don't get it.

Honestly, while ignorance can always be hurtful, I'm usually willing to try to talk to someone who just seems to be unfamiliar with the issues. But I've encountered too many people who just haven't been willing to budge or acknowledge what people try to explain to them.

Shadow Dragon: Good luck with your parents! I think it's probably a good sign that your mom hasn't made a big deal about it, but I understand your anticipation and concern. It's possible your mom is still processing it.

I feel like I'm at a standstill right now. I'm out to a lot of my friends, especially my QUILTBAG friends. But I'm not out to say, my professors, and it's an uncomfortable position to be in. I don't anticipate transitioning anytime too soon, and I'm still unsure about what I would want to do to transition. I'm fairly sure I want top surgery, and have been for a while now. But I'm less sure about hormones, or having my gender legally changed. I hate that those things will be necessary in order to have people see me the way I want to be seen. And I hate feeling like I can't be out as trans as long as I don't look like a man to most people. I feel like I don't have much right to want people to use my preferred pronouns, or try to tell them how I identify, when I look like a woman no matter how I dress or groom myself.

And of course, I'm aware that coming out is a fraught and risky process to begin with.

I also have some concerns about my mom. I'm out to her, but I know she doesn't really understand. I know it will be a challenge when I do start planning for top surgery more seriously. She's against any "cosmetic" surgery, and the one time I brought up surgery to her, she cautioned me against becoming a "plastic surgery addict." I know she's open-minded, and would likely try to relate if I put forth my reasoning, but that's a very vulnerable position to put myself in. But there's no way I would have surgery without her knowing about it, and I don't think I could do it without a support system.

At the moment, it's not really an issue, but it's in the back of my mind.

I also have some concerns about an upcoming family wedding. I really don't know if I'd feel comfortable wearing feminine clothes, but I know wearing a suit probably wouldn't fly with extended family. And that's even assuming I could get a suit that fits me.
 

Shadow Dragon

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Mom just told me that she does have questions she wants to ask but she's still getting her thoughts in order and she did show dad my note but he's not ready to talk to anyone about it. So, they aren't ignoring it or in denial, it's just that they're still processing it.
 

kuwisdelu

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"are you saying that this is an actually term for being a certain gender before you change? that is one of the most retarded things i've heard in a while..... but although i guess i can classify as that, it still means you are a female. thats attracted to men. so as of now u are a straight female untill surgery. then u will be a gay male....but i need to say i dont see the point of changing if your still going to be attracted to men? that seems like it will lower your chances of finding someone due to the fact that majority of men arent gay..."

Oy.

I have a friend who was just struggling through this thought process the other day. Apparently he and his friends met a trans woman in Vegas who started hanging out with them.

He's a pretty understanding guy, so I think it was just unfamiliarity, but he was really struggling to wrap his head around it.

I told him she's a lesbian and his head would hurt a lot less if he just thought of her as a lesbian.

But then, even my gay friend still finds my sexuality confusing.

I also have some concerns about an upcoming family wedding. I really don't know if I'd feel comfortable wearing feminine clothes, but I know wearing a suit probably wouldn't fly with extended family. And that's even assuming I could get a suit that fits me.

Pantsuit? More masculine than a dress, less feminine than a regular suit. Probably cool with your extended family.
 

Deleted member 42

I just wanted to let people know I've modified the AW profiles now so that if you go

CP-->Edit Your Details and then scroll down to the section labeled Additional Information, I've changed the options under Sex:

Female
Male
Other
Prefer not to disclose

When a user creates an account, they can chose to ignore the section entirely, but Mac and I wanted to make it editable, and less restrictive.
 
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DancingMaenid

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Oy.
Pantsuit? More masculine than a dress, less feminine than a regular suit. Probably cool with your extended family.

That's a possibility. I'm not fond of the look of a lot of women's suits, though, so it depends on what I could find.

I actually like dresses and heels, but it's the enforced gender roles that make me uncomfortable. That, and unlike at the drag parties I go to with friends, I think my leg and underarm hair will draw more attention.

I just wanted to let people know I've modified the AW profiles now so that if you go

CP-->Edit Your Details and then scroll down to the section labeled Additional Information, I've changed the options under Sex:

Female
Male
Other
Prefer not to disclose

When a user creates an account, they can chose to ignore the section entirely, but Mac and I wanted to make it editable, and less restrictive.

Awesome! Thank you so much for that. I appreciate the effort to make it less restrictive. The lack of options has been a minor annoyance of mine.

For all intents and purposes, should we just treat "sex" as "gender"? Ideally, I think it would be preferable to label the field as "gender", but I don't know if that's within your control.

Regardless, thanks!
 

Kim Fierce

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I think there are so many positions on the gender spectrum that it's impossible to label them all. I also want to wish Shadow Dragon luck.
 

Shadow Dragon

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Finally had the talk with my mom. She doesn't believe that it's real. That it's part of my depression and that I just want to be someone else since I hate myself. She seems to believe some not true things about transgendered people; like always being able to tell someone isn't a typical guy, like that they always have to start over completely in a new life, etc. Also, she said that she'll never consider me to be her daughter. I'll always be her son. And she brought up, over and over, about how no one will accept it because of the area we live in and that her family won't accept it. She used the fact that I don't take good care of myself and that I have a deep voice against it being real. Also, due to anxiety issues and depression, I still live with my parents and she added that I can't live with them as a girl. So, yeah, not a great reaction by any stretch.

As for dad, apparently he still refuses to talk about it to anyone.
 

Becca_H

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I had the same reaction from my mum at this stage - pretty much all the things you said and more. I think it's pretty common and usually doesn't last. It's almost like a grieving process for parents, you know?

All you can really do is prove her wrong. When she sees it happening, and see's who you really are, and that none of this bad stuff is happening, she'll improve. I was 19 before my mum really accepted me as her daughter, and 21 when she accepted me as her "real" daughter. So it took a while, but we got there.

Also remember parents experience a very high level of guilt, which may manifest itself in many ways. They may feel it's their fault, that they raised you wrong, or they'll be worrying about you forever as a consequence of this - and later on, they may regret forcing the wrong gender on you.