The "T" Party.

They're also rather exciting, yeah?

One of these days it'll just be normal. Dresses will be unisex, bathrooms will dispense cotton candy, and unicorns will...
Wait, wrong world.

I for one just wish that the assumption that all babies are born straight will go away. Well, that's not all that I wish, but it'd be a nice thing. I was surprised to see my first instance of that on Roseanne, when the gifts given to a baby girl were a doll, and also a football, so she could choose what she wanted to play with. :3

Thanks Diana.

And Dae, I feel the same way about checking out lingerie and sexy outfits. Like, I'll walk past a shop called Bras N Things in my local shopping centre, and I'll immediately check out what they've got out the front. I'm not looking in a "Oh, I'd love to nail a chick wearing that!" sort of way. I'm looking in a "Oh, that looks awesome! I wish I had breasts so I could wear one of those." sort of way.

But still, I tend to think "Pervert" simply because that's what I assume anyone observing me would be thinking. Sometime it's hard to separate what you think others think of you, and what you are actually like.

I know the feeling. In the moment approaching my official transition, my mum took me shopping to add/create my wardrobe. I hated it. I refused to approach clothes, touch them, look at them, for fear of what people would think. My mum had to pick stuff for me (or collect stuff I pointed at) and quickly whack it on my back when nobody was looking to judge if it'd fit.

Nobody was actually looking, but still, it intimidated me.

But really, the whole notion of 'pervert' is etched into our brains from school bullies and the immaturity of being a kid. The reality is people don't really look at what other people do, and if they are looking, they don't bother to judge. Very rarely would anybody think 'pervert' and if they did, their maturity level would probably be through the floor, anyway.

If I saw a man looking at ladies' clothing, I wouldn't assume pervert. I wouldn't think anything. But if I thought deeper, I'd wonder if he was buying for a wife, friend or relative, whether he was a fashion designer, the owner of the shop or a competitor, or even looking at something else past that. There's a million possibilities and reasons.

So, buy what you want, look at what you want. Don't worry about what people think, because they're not really thinking anything. Although, I know this is hard, and takes a while to build the confidence. But you get there eventually.

I was really nervous at first when going shopping with my mom, because she suggested I go wander off and find something while she looked at something for her and I couldn't find the right section. (We weren't on the right floor, so it wasn't my fault.)

But then we went to another store that had more clothes that I was interested in, and within a few minutes I was explaining to my mom what patterns wouldn't look good and which would, based on what would make my shoulders look bigger and stuff like that. That was so much fun, and I felt pretty comfortable after I realized what I was doing. (Of course, between the awkward point and comfortable point, one of the women working at a store asked, "Can I help you ladies find anything?" while looking straight at me when I wasn't feeling especially feminine, so my confidence got boosted hugely.)

One thing that really helped was ordering a few clothes online so I'd have something to wear while shopping.
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Oh, more self-indulgent news. Just two days after filling out my name change paperwork, I have received a letter addressed to "Ms. Emily (real name)" with three copies of the court order for my new name. I'm not legally female yet, but I guess either they didn't know or they decided legal gender didn't matter when addressing a letter.

I usually can't stand clothes shopping under any conditions (Oh, how I hate women's clothes), but it was fun to go with a TG friend. He chooses to present as male and calls himself "he", but very much has a feminine mind he likes to express through clothes at home.

Having me along with him was the perfect cover. I'd be the one clicking through all the hangers and touching the ladies' clothes, but he could be right by my side and giving his opinion. I pretended we were shopping for a mutual friend. "Would Jessie like this?" I'd ask, holding up something I thought was his size. ("Jessie" was his 'girl name', which he loved to be called when he knew he was in a safe accepting environment) I think we were pretending to be shopping for his sister.

I could see that process being quite painful on one's own, however. Women frequently buy clothes for their husbands so it's common to see them in the men's department, but you don't often see the reverse.

Becca_H said:

But really, the whole notion of 'pervert' is etched into our brains from school bullies and the immaturity of being a kid. The reality is people don't really look at what other people do...Very rarely would anybody think 'pervert' ...

If I saw a man looking at ladies' clothing, I wouldn't assume pervert...There's a million possibilities and reasons.

Click to expand...

True that. My first thought if I saw a man looking at ladies' clothing would be that he's probably shopping for his wife/girlfriend, or a gift for a female friend or relative. But my second thought would probably be that he's trans or enjoys crossdressing. (In which case I would think, "Cool! Live out loud, brother/sister!" I think crossdressing is sexy.)

When you mention the fear of being seen as a "pervert" do you mean fear of being recognized as trans? Or is there some other "perversion" involving men in the women's department I'm not aware of?

It's sad how much transphobia a transperson can internalize. It comes to light when you fear being recognized for who you really are = synonymous with being recognized as a pervert...

And, gawd, it's just clothing!! (I'm frustrated with the culture here, not belittling the transwomen who fight just to buy clothes for themselves) How sad is it when it's easier for a man to say he has a violent criminal record than to say he likes wearing women's underthings? It's evidence of a bizarre social skew on morality when violence against another is more forgivable than a fashion statement that hurts no one.

Oh my god, Emily could you please come shopping with me and teach me the ways of what clothes look good?

Ardent Kat said:

True that. My first thought if I saw a man looking at ladies' clothing would be that he's probably shopping for his wife/girlfriend, or a gift for a female friend or relative. But my second thought would probably be that he's trans or enjoys crossdressing. (In which case I would think, "Cool! Live out loud, brother/sister!" I think crossdressing is sexy.)

When you mention the fear of being seen as a "pervert" do you mean fear of being recognized as trans? Or is there some other "perversion" involving men in the women's department I'm not aware of?

It's sad how much transphobia a transperson can internalize. It comes to light when you fear being recognized for who you really are = synonymous with being recognized as a pervert...

And, gawd, it's just clothing!! (I'm frustrated with the culture here, not belittling the transwomen who fight just to buy clothes for themselves) How sad is it when it's easier for a man to say he has a violent criminal record than to say he likes wearing women's underthings? It's evidence of a bizarre social skew on morality when violence against another is more forgivable than a fashion statement that hurts no one.

Click to expand...

1. When I said "pervert" I was thinking of things such as the following example. Where I volunteer, there's one man who used to take a bunch of women's clothing into the change room. He was observed unintentionally over the course of a week or two, and what was happening was that he would take the women's clothing into the change room, make "grunting and heavy breathing noises" and then return the clothes to the racks. The immediate assumption from the people running the store was that he was some sort of pervert, and they banned him from using the change rooms. So things like that - especially if I were to take the women's clothes into a change room - where people think you're getting some sort of "not standard" sexual enjoyment, in public, with clothes of the opposite gender. Or like, "Oh, he's staring at those bras. He must be imagining them on a woman. Does he have no shame to stand in a public place and imagine having sex?" I never said it was a rational fear, but I stand by the use of the word "pervert" as per that particular fear.

2. I totally agree with the clothing comment you made, how the world is backwards and would rather accept a violent person than a not-the-sexual-norm person. I happen to think I look damn good in a skirt, male body or purposefully crossdressing (ie. shaving legs, wearing fake boobs, etc.).

I should hasten to add that I'm not saying, "People who do X (ie. stuff like in my examples) are perverts."

What I'm saying is that, when gripped with an irrational fear about being seen as a pervert (which yes, does come from carrying the secret of being trans, in my case at least) what you do is you think one small situation, and then you assume that everybody around you thinks that situation makes YOU a pervert. It doesn't matter that you might not think something like that makes anyone a pervert - the irrational fear makes you think everyone else thinks YOU are a pervert for doing something like that.

Again, this is just in my personal experience. I'm not speaking for everyone here, nor do I intend to.

But I just wanted to clarify my point above.

When I was talking about worrying about being seen as a "pervert" it's sort of an irrational fear that people will somehow know I'm a lesbian and think that I'm only looking at girl's clothes to imagine hot girls and sexual stuff like that. Plus, I'm not really good at girly stuff, and I also have an irrational fear like people will look at me and judge me that I'm not worthy of being in the store. Like Bath and Body Works... it's so not for me and I'm afraid that they knew that and were only being nice as a disguise to keep an eye on me for shoplifting or something.

Eh. I just wish that I could manage to pick out a nice outfit. And afford it. I'm considering a life of asexuality, or aromanticism already.

Guardian said:

Oh my god, Emily could you please come shopping with me and teach me the ways of what clothes look good?

Click to expand...

*blushes* Well, actually, I'm still pretty bad at style, except relative to my mom. I do know that horizontal stripes tend to be a bad idea because they make my shoulders look big, though.

When I first moved into this apartment, I was doing laundry, and it was just one big load with both my stuff and my ex's stuff. When I was moving it from the washer to the dryer, a foreigner who was doing his laundry noticed all the women's clothing and got all excited. After introducing himself and explaining he'd just got to America, he then asked "So are you one of those who, ahhh how you say, dress cross?". Unfortunately, I had to disappoint him. He seemed really excited to meet his first cross dresser.

Guardian said:

I'm considering a life of asexuality

Click to expand...

I can recommend it.

Mara said:

*blushes* Well, actually, I'm still pretty bad at style, except relative to my mom. I do know that horizontal stripes tend to be a bad idea because they make my shoulders look big, though.

Click to expand...

*eyes favourite, horizontally-striped top suspiciously*

I never thought of it like that. My style's pretty sub-standard though, as well.

Becca_H said:

I can recommend it.

Click to expand...

Yay!

I'll just be a Forever Virgin, thanks. Especially with all the more talk about giant dicks and boobs (not here, but in other places). It's like, really a turn off.

Guardian said:

Yay!

I'll just be a Forever Virgin, thanks. Especially with all the more talk about giant dicks and boobs (not here, but in other places). It's like, really a turn off.

Click to expand...

I think asexuality is more common than people think, because it's something people don't want to admit for fear of being ridiculed.

I'm asexual, and in a loving relationship. It's just not sexual. The idea of sex repulses me.

Becca_H said:

I think asexuality is more common than people think, because it's something people don't want to admit for fear of being ridiculed.

I'm asexual, and in a loving relationship. It's just not sexual. The idea of sex repulses me.

Click to expand...

If only more people could admit to what they really are. I think my best "relationship" thus far, and certainly the longest, is my "domestic partnership" with a gay friend. We'd be one of those old sitcom couples who sleep in separate beds.

Guardian said:

If only more people could admit to what they really are. I think my best "relationship" thus far, and certainly the longest, is my "domestic partnership" with a gay friend. We'd be one of those old sitcom couples who sleep in separate beds.

Click to expand...

Kinda what happened with me. My long-term partner was my best friend for three years. After that time, we were like "Oh my God we've sleepwalked into a relationship!!!" And our friends were like "So you only just figured that out, huh?"

After about a month of fighting and freaking out, we accepted that we weren't best friends, but a couple.

I think if sexuality was more flexible, things like that would happen more often. But if two straight girls are best friends, they probably wouldn't consider anything. I don't know. I guess this is all philosophy of sexuality.

I think it would be nice if people could get over the idea that relationships need to be held together by sex. In fact, that very notion often tears a relationship apart. "We haven't had sex in -- what's wrong with us??"

I'd like the idea of him and me becoming an item, but I don't want to close him off from finding a nice boyfriend. :3 Me, I'm not even sure what I want in a girl. I like the idea of sex, mostly, but not the actual idea of ME having sex. :/ And sometimes just not at all.

Guardian said:

I think it would be nice if people could get over the idea that relationships need to be held together by sex. In fact, that very notion often tears a relationship apart. "We haven't had sex in -- what's wrong with us??"

I'd like the idea of him and me becoming an item, but I don't want to close him off from finding a nice boyfriend. :3 Me, I'm not even sure what I want in a girl. I like the idea of sex, mostly, but not the actual idea of ME having sex. :/ And sometimes just not at all.

Click to expand...

If you like the idea, it may be worth exploring. You never know how he may feel about it. If there's no sex, sexuality may become irrelevant.

Hey, I'm living proof this can and does happen.

Becca_H said:

If you like the idea, it may be worth exploring. You never know how he may feel about it. If there's no sex, sexuality may become irrelevant.

Hey, I'm living proof this can and does happen.

Click to expand...

Yeah, I should. I just haven't found someone I'm actually attracted to yet. I had a potential girlfriend come down and spent the whole night thinking, "DON'T TOUCH ME OMG PLZ TO BE MOVING HAND OFF MY ARM" and I pretended to be asleep.

Maybe I'm just shallow.

I think fear of the first time having sex is pretty common. You don't know what to expect, it's something you've never done, you feel like you're going to be judged for performance if the other person isn't a virgin, it will undoubtedly complicate what you already have with that person...

I bailed the first time I had a chance to have sex. I just said, "Maybe we should wait a little while," and then made up an excuse to get the hell out of her house. I then psyched myself up to do it the following week, which I did, but it was still pretty scary.

I think the point of no return for me was being naked in front of someone for the first time since being a baby getting changed.

Cliff Face said:

I think fear of the first time having sex is pretty common. You don't know what to expect, it's something you've never done, you feel like you're going to be judged for performance if the other person isn't a virgin, it will undoubtedly complicate what you already have with that person...

I bailed the first time I had a chance to have sex. I just said, "Maybe we should wait a little while," and then made up an excuse to get the hell out of her house. I then psyched myself up to do it the following week, which I did, but it was still pretty scary.

I think the point of no return for me was being naked in front of someone for the first time since being a baby getting changed.

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*faints*

On the other hand, there's a something deeply emotionally satisfying about sex (or lovemaking) when you're comfortable and with someone you trust--and yes, I'd include loving yourself in that.

In any case, it's the individual person's choice--and said individual is perfectly free to change said individual's mind. It's your body, and you absolutely get to decide if,when, who, and how--even if it's never.