The "T" Party.

kuwisdelu

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Lately, I've been kind of self-conscious about how my dysphoria interacts with my weight. That is, I worry sometimes that I really just want to be thin and that being so uncomfortable with my chest and curves is just symptomatic of that. But the thing is, I might never be "thin" and even at a healthy weight, I know I'm not going to be flat-chested or have a masculine figure. And I know that weight and musculature can definitely affect gender dysphoria. But it's hard to separate the two sometimes, and I feel like a fraud because if I had a very androgynous, flat-chested woman's body, I'd probably be fine with that.

Fat distribution is one of the most obvious markers of gender, so it's no surprise at all if your weight makes you dysphoric.

That's exactly what started the realization process for me the most. I'd gained a lot of weight, and I absolutely hated how my fat distribution made me look more male. Whenever I talked about wanting to lose weight, my father made a point to say how he thought I looked "good" how it made me look more masculine, and ugh, I hated every moment of it.

I started losing weight at the beginning of 2015 with the goal of looking more androgynous and being able to wear girl clothes again, and by the end of the year, I knew I needed to transition.

Just seeing my silhouette in the mirror, with the fat at the hips and defined waist makes me so happy now. I don't care at all if I have a little belly, because it's a girl belly.

Whether you want to transition further or not, there's nothing wrong with wanting to look more androgynous, and fat distribution can be a huge factor in preventing that.
 

amergina

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I also lost weight largely to be more androgynous and so I'd fit masc clothing better.

I have a fairly large chest, but it's easier to make it less apparent now that it's smaller.
 

DancingMaenid

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Thanks for the reassurance and commisseration. :)

I'm still very hard on myself sometimes.
 

DancingMaenid

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A couple kind of random things:

- I seem to be going through another period where I get really envious of men I think are neat and good-looking. It's depressing that I can't be like them. This always makes me a little self-conscious, too, because since I know I'll never look like, say, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I worry that I wouldn't be satisfied looking like "me" even if I do transition. But then, I think it's probably natural to envy people who look like how we'd like to look, and I really never feel this way about women except in a sense of 'if I had a build like hers, it'd be so much easier for me to pass," which isn't really the same.

- This is no one's fault, and I definitely don't mean this as a criticism of the movement, but the Women's Strike planned for tomorrow has me feeling a little self-conscious. I don't know if I would strike regardless, and realistically I know it's doubtful that people I know will be paying very close attention to who strikes and who doesn't. But I feel kind of bad because I know the point of a protest like that is visibility and to show the impact of women in the workforce, and most people read me as female. But I don't see myself as a woman and feel uncomfortable implying that I do by lumping myself in with women workers.

I do plan to support the cause by only supporting woman/minority-owned businesses, though.
 

SWest

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...

- I seem to be going through another period where I get really envious of men I think are neat and good-looking. It's depressing that I can't be like them. This always makes me a little self-conscious, too, because since I know I'll never look like, say, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I worry that I wouldn't be satisfied looking like "me" even if I do transition. But then, I think it's probably natural to envy people who look like how we'd like to look, and I really never feel this way about women except in a sense of 'if I had a build like hers, it'd be so much easier for me to pass," which isn't really the same...

:Hug2:

...- This is no one's fault, and I definitely don't mean this as a criticism of the movement, but the Women's Strike planned for tomorrow has me feeling a little self-conscious. I don't know if I would strike regardless, and realistically I know it's doubtful that people I know will be paying very close attention to who strikes and who doesn't. But I feel kind of bad because I know the point of a protest like that is visibility and to show the impact of women in the workforce, and most people read me as female. But I don't see myself as a woman and feel uncomfortable implying that I do by lumping myself in with women workers.

I do plan to support the cause by only supporting woman/minority-owned businesses, though.

Totally understandable.

And tomorrow highlights the importance of individuals in a social movement considering how best to contribute to supporting and defending each other, and the whole. We each need each other, and all political out-groups need all other out-groups. That nuance does become more clear with each generation's struggle, and The Greater Good-TM should never be used to override one's gut sense of how to proceed.

You are extraordinarily valuable just as you are. Thank you.
 

Bpituley

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OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Sorry. I had to let that out somewhere.

This past New Year's eve, I got a kick in the pants to do something with my writing. My wife and I were invited to a friend's place for a NYE party. Said friend is a very published author. She's been mentoring me. She introduced me to her agent. Her agent gave me her card and told me to write something new for her. I started developing a concept that's been floating around in my brain for several years. I sent the first draft of the first chapter of my book to said agent. I talked with said agent on the phone this morning. Said agent likes the premise for the book and wants to work with me to develop it. ::hyperventilating over here::
 

SWest

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DancingMaenid

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That's awesome, Bpituley! Good luck!

So, I'm contemplating transition again, and once again I'm kind of stymied about finding a "starting point." I always thought top surgery would be my starting point (and maybe my endpoint), but the reality is that doing that will take some time and I don't want to discount other avenues. But it's like, where do I start? I feel like I can't come out more socially unless I medically transition (not true in an objective sense, I know, but it's how I feel) but the unknown of how people would actually react if my appearance changed is daunting. And part of me feels like I "should" bind for, like, appearance's sake. But I just don't see how it makes a difference right now. Maybe it would if I were on T and passed, but binding makes no difference in how I'm gendered right now.
 

kuwisdelu

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But it's like, where do I start? I feel like I can't come out more socially unless I medically transition (not true in an objective sense, I know, but it's how I feel) but the unknown of how people would actually react if my appearance changed is daunting.

In my (n=1) experience, people are weirdly nonchalant about physical changes, but have trouble once you ask them to use a different name and pronoun.

I know other people have different experiences with changes in appearance, though, so that may just say more about my crowd.

But also, if they're people you see a lot, it'll take a lot longer for them to notice changes, since it's easy to miss gradual changes day-to-day.

You're certainly right that you don't need to medically transition, but FWIW I felt exactly the same, and waited until I was about a month on HRT before I came out to more people socially. I don't know if it's just the extra confidence from it feeling more "real," or an actual effect of finally having the right hormones and feeling more comfortable that way, but it was easier for me that way too.
 
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DancingMaenid

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Thanks for the feedback. :) It's always helpful to hear about other people's experiences.

I'm currently pretty out as non-binary, which is awesome, but so much of my doubt about the future stems from what I want with regards to my body. I have some doubts about hormones, but I think maybe it'd be easier to navigate that directly without trying to fine-tune my identity and outness beforehand. It just feels very theoretical, otherwise. I mean, I'm fine just continuing to call myself non-binary if I decide hormones aren't for me. I'm fine IDing as non-binary even if I transition to male. But I feel a need to be seen as male sometimes, and it's hard to navigate the social side of that without addressing my dysphoria first.
 

DancingMaenid

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Argh. So I mentioned to my mom earlier that I'm seriously thinking about transitioning and it made me feel worse. It's not her. I know she's supportive. But I can also tell that she's a little concerned about me and takes it very seriously, which is very fair and understandable. But it makes me feel bad and self-conscious and I just don't know if I can do it when I have that emotional burden. I don't do well with conflict in our relationship, even if it's not conflict between us. I know it's not her fault, but it's tough for me.

I'm thankful that my friends have mostly treated my increasing outness as a non-issue.
 

Maryn

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Copied from our trans daughter's Facebook page:
Copied from a friend.

Hey trans ppl!!!!, someone named Kristy Pandora [who is Kristy Pandora Greczkowski] is adding trans people on FB with the intention of reporting their names as fake and getting their profiles locked or taken down. Stay safe.
I did a little exploring online and based on what I saw Kristy say elseweb, this action seems fully plausible. So yeah, please be safe.

Maryn, mother hen to all
 

kuwisdelu

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Can I just say seeing photos of Chelsea smiling in the sun at Pride made me really happy?
 
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Maryn

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Of course you can!
 

Diana Hignutt

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Today, I feel like giving up...but I can't...I will not give them that. So, I guess, thanks to the orange fellow in the White House, for rekindling my resolve.
 

Alessandra Kelley

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So, the f-ing douche of a president not only banned us from the military but also just painted targets on us.

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/president-trump-ban-transgender-individuals-u-s-military/

Word is that the military itself was not consulted (despite what the man occupying the White House said) but was blindsided and is not at all happy with what that five-times-draft-dodger casually tweeted yesterday.

Frankly, I think he's just throwing y'all under the bus to create a distraction from his Russian corruption woes.

I'm very sorry.
 

Diana Hignutt

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Well, the Umpa-Lumpa-in-Chief signed the damn order Friday night. To me, this formalizes and legalizes transphobia, which hasn't historically needed much help in this country anyway. I have a deep uneasiness about all this shit. It's making me question all my current plans. Our collective American trans future is cloudy. Whether the sun pops from behind the clouds or a deep darkness sets in more deeply, I do not know. I've never been more worried about the future. I want to say hang in there, we'll all get through this. But, we won't. Violence against trans people (particulary trans women) is crazy high already (2016 was a record breaking year), and now the President of the United States is casting us in an ill light (telling his followers that our rights don't matter, essentially dehumanizing us). Stay strong.
 

Diana Hignutt

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Hang in there, trans folk and translings. It's tough days, sure enough, but that just means we have to support each other all the more. It might feel like it more than not, but you are not alone. We'll get through this too. Somehow.
 

Diana Hignutt

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So, I assume I was the last one to find out, but if you're trans get on twitter. There is an amazing trans community there. It uplifts me more than I ever could have imagined. It's f-ing joyous. FYI.
 

Maryn

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I'm not part of that community (as an ally, it's not really there for me), but recently I saw a retweet from our mayor from a transwoman who's struggling with various things, one of which I could help with. We exchange comments often now. She's so very nice that I'd love to see her hook up with others of her kind. Is there a hashtag she should look for?

Our trans daughter tells me she gets and gives much support on Facebook, FWIW.

Maryn, socking down hot tea on a raw day
 

Maryn

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Thank you! I shall pass it on.

Maryn, tipping her hat