Why Most Romance Couples Start Off Hating Each Other

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Lydia Sharp

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I had fun reading the responses in this thread. Good discussion.

My two cents... the hating each other at the beginning always gets an eye-roll from me because it's quite obvious at that point that those two are going to end up together. That kills the tension right away, no matter what kind of struggles or emotional rollercoasters they go through in the middle.

In my real life experience, my husband and I knew from the moment we met that we'd end up getting married one day... we just didn't know when or how. And since then, we've had years of typical life struggles that are made all-the-more difficult because we believe we ARE with the right person. It's easy, if you don't truly love someone or are on the fence about your emotions, to face a hurdle and just say "forget it" and move on. But not so when that person feels like your other half, and without them, you'd be lost.

For me, that's where the real conflict is created. When you DO know your feelings for that person, you KNOW you love them, and something threatens the relationship, and thus, your meaningful existence.

And that's why I write women's fiction instead of cookie-cutter romance. It has more emotion behind it, in my opinion. More is at stake than "love at first sight" or "he loves me, he loves me not" or "wow, I really hate that guy... or do I."

Okay, maybe that was a nickel's worth. ;)
 

Jinnambex

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I know that no one has posted on this thread in a long time, but I loved reading this!
I am currently reading Melina Marchetta's Lumatere chronicles, and don't get me wrong, I love them, but the one thing that is frustrating me is that a lot of the conflict and character romance is driven by artificial elements rather than believable problems. One of Marchetta's favorite things to do to keep the conflict going is go just have the characters get so mad with each other that they storm off before telling the truth to the other characters. A lot of conflict is introduced, sure, but it bugs the crap out of me that if I were in that situation, I could've avoided the conflict with a single sentence! "Tell her the truth!"--genie from Alladin.

In short, a lot of the conflict in Finikkin of the Rock, Froi of the Exiles, and Quintana of Charyn seems to be driven by characters avoiding saying the things that could easily get them out of the conflict for no good reason other than the chapter seems to end before they get to that point?

Ex- in the third book, it starts out with the king and queen getting in a big argument which ends up driving the king to decide to leave and go on a mission in a enemy nation. But the premise is stupid. The wife woke up from a dream and she yelled the name Froi, who is their best friend. The king gets mad because she woke up with another mans name of her lips, but that's stupid for him to react that way because they have always had a strong relationship of trust. And even more stupid is that the queen has magical powers where she has dreams of real events that are taking place elsewhere. So her dreams are shared between other people? Its weird, don't really know how to explain it, but the point is, she shared a dream about this man, Froi, and it made me shake my head because they think Froi is in terrible danger, possibly dead, but the king takes it as sexual when he has no logical reason to think that.

Her romances are structured with the hate at first sort of deal. I'm more of a in love right away sort of person. Anyways, I typed this all on my autocorrecting iPhone, so sorry if there are errors!!!
 
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WookWife

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I disagree intensely, but that's not important.

Thank you. I just wrote a story that did have love at first sight but I was creative and added in another sort of conflict to drive the story. Still had the element of will they or won't they until the end.
 

Captcha

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I know that no one has posted on this thread in a long time, but I loved reading this!
I am currently reading Melina Marchetta's Lumatere chronicles, and don't get me wrong, I love them, but the one thing that is frustrating me is that a lot of the conflict and character romance is driven by artificial elements rather than believable problems. One of Marchetta's favorite things to do to keep the conflict going is go just have the characters get so mad with each other that they storm off before telling the truth to the other characters. A lot of conflict is introduced, sure, but it bugs the crap out of me that if I were in that situation, I could've avoided the conflict with a single sentence! "Tell her the truth!"--genie from Alladin.

In short, a lot of the conflict in Finikkin of the Rock, Froi of the Exiles, and Quintana of Charyn seems to be driven by characters avoiding saying the things that could easily get them out of the conflict for no good reason other than the chapter seems to end before they get to that point?

Ex- in the third book, it starts out with the king and queen getting in a big argument which ends up driving the king to decide to leave and go on a mission in a enemy nation. But the premise is stupid. The wife woke up from a dream and she yelled the name Froi, who is their best friend. The king gets mad because she woke up with another mans name of her lips, but that's stupid for him to react that way because they have always had a strong relationship of trust. And even more stupid is that the queen has magical powers where she has dreams of real events that are taking place elsewhere. So her dreams are shared between other people? Its weird, don't really know how to explain it, but the point is, she shared a dream about this man, Froi, and it made me shake my head because they think Froi is in terrible danger, possibly dead, but the king takes it as sexual when he has no logical reason to think that.

Her romances are structured with the hate at first sort of deal. I'm more of a in love right away sort of person. Anyways, I typed this all on my autocorrecting iPhone, so sorry if there are errors!!!

I had almost the exact same reaction to the Marchetta series... well, I only read the first one because the made-up conflict was too much for me, but I imagine I would have continued hating it if I'd kept reading!
 

EMaree

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I'm so glad this thread got resurrected, it's been an amazingly fun read.

Personally I have a strong preference for initial chemistry -- not necessarily love, but a strong attraction to their personality and (optionally) their looks. But a well-done progression from dislike (or my favourite, distrust/intimidation/fear) into respect and longing glances can be amazing when it's done well.

I stepped into this thread feeling so sure that I preferred chemistry-from-the-start couples. But I'm thinking of some of my favourite enemies-to-lovers and rivals-to-lovers storylines, and how much more powerfully that depth and complexity calls to me. I love the friction there, and the progression and character development involved to admit that the person you've been fighting against is also the person you want to protect.

This has given me a lot of food for thought on how to level-up my romance subplots.
 
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Deb Kinnard

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I'm torn into two viewpoints on this. For one thing, most of my own work tends to be the "one person loves at first sight but the other doesn't" sort of trope. Or, the party who falls first falls very early, and then has to spend the bulk of the novel convincing him/herself that it's okay to feel so strongly so soon. The other trope in my own work is the "this can never work, we're too different" sort of thing where both people care deeply, but circumstances in their own personalities seem to dictate that it cannot ever work out. I've never successfully handled a plot where they are rivals or dislike each other very intensely. I'm not sure I'm a good enough writer to pull it off; if it ever does become something I want to do, I might lose interest were they too inimical from the get-go.
 

Latina Bunny

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The reason it's used is because it provides conflict and tension.

For me, personally, I don't really like this trope that much. It depends on the couple and how they treat each other. Distrust or mild dislike is fine, but I get turned off by arrogance and jerks easily (especially male ones) both in real life and in fiction, so the hating each other trope doesn't usually work for me and I end up putting down the book whenever a love interest goes too far in the jerk department.

I'm one of those who prefer rivals or cautious distrust over outright hatred. (There are maybe one or two pairings in anime that I ship that has something close to beginning hatred trope.)

Sometimes I feel the hating trope ones are in a very dysfunctional relationship (or bordering on abusive or uncomfortable "relationship"), and I don't like seeing people constantly acting abusive or jerk-ish, especially to their loved ones.

Also, I tend to prefer people who act mature in romantic stuff, and I feel sometimes the hating tropes ones sometimes act more childish/immature or less classy, which is a major turnoff for me in a romance/romantic storyline.
 
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This thread was a fascinating read.

I love stories with unrealistic premises -- sci-fi, fantasy, etc. -- but when it comes to the characters in the stories, I just can't bring myself to care about them if they act in unrealistic ways. It's like a literary Uncanny Valley. So I've always hated this Slap Slap Kiss trope because I've never known anyone who acted this way (aside from literally abusive relationships, but those are not the same thing at all) and I've never felt this way in love before. I've argued with partners, but I've never fallen for anyone who I hated.

So it's really fascinating for me to read accounts from people who have! It's still really really weird to me, but I'm glad that your relationships worked out, and maybe I'll try reading these stories with a more open mind. :) Although I haven't noticed this trope as much in queer romance, I guess because we have, uh, other issues to get in the way of our relationships (bitter lol).
 

Simone.Garick

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To me, this has been done so many times in books, movies, and tv that it's practically a cliche. Most couples in romance stories seem to start off on the wrong foot. They may be rivals, strangers, or one of course just wants nothing to do with the other. Then they start to get to know each other and love begins to grow. But then something happens that breaks them apart and one hates the other even more, and the other person spends the rest of the story trying to redeem himself/herself to win him/her back, he/she succeeds, end of story.

Another example is where the guy is a charming young man who many women swoon over, and the gal is the only who doesn't feel that way towards him, and who may actually despise him to begin with. And it is her he ultimately gets together with in the end.

Why does these things happen in romance stories or between couples in fiction? What purpose does it serve? Is it some kind of rule?

It has sorta always been around but i think it didn't really swing into pop culture until the 60's-80's. It's more or less a trope written around the dynamics of serialized/episodic story-telling. You, know, the, will they, finally.. etc. It's basically a short cut to creating artificial tension and retaining viewership because no one wants to miss the installement where they finally <X> .

It worked pretty well.

IT can also be seen as an off-shoot of the bickering married couple that deeply love each other. Though in that scenario it's somewhat different. Being able to freely bicker with someone con show just how at ease or comnfortable one is around them, that youy can be totally honest enough to barb and quip at each other. It shows in of itself the deep roots the relationship has.

The they hate each other at first, trope however. Doesn't really hold up as well. On the one hand it can show that most differences people fight over melt away as the two parties begin to learn and understand each other, but most times it's played pretty straight faced.

Love at first sight is the other side of the trope and strangely, that's not much better., More a product of lazy writing. It's hard to write a growing relationship, There are too many subtle details and nuances . It's also not very dramatic.

Bothe these tropes disguise the fact that for an outsider looking on. Typical relationships are pretty boring and almost imperceptable. ENtertainment is all about cutting to the exciting stuff.
 

Ari Meermans

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It's a trope that works for me when there's a good reason for the dislike. Too often, though, it seems forced because the reason for the dislike is irrational. I met a guy who I loathed from the first words out of his mouth. He was arrogant and unkind. Condescending. We worked at the same bank and I dreaded seeing him in the elevator—him and his stinkin' three-piece suit—because he never missed an opportunity. He still sparks my temper like steel on flint almost every time I see him. Which is a problem because come spring we will have been married 36 years.
 
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CEtchison

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It's a trope that works for me when there's a good reason for the dislike. Too often, though, it seems forced because the reason for the dislike is irrational. I met a guy who I loathed from the first words out of his mouth. He was arrogant and unkind. Condescending. We worked at the same bank and I dreaded seeing him in the elevator—him and his stinkin' three-piece suit—because he never missed an opportunity. He still sparks my temper like steel on flint almost every time I see him. Which is a problem because come spring we will have been married 36 years.
::golf clap::Love this story.
 

Latina Bunny

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It's a trope that works for me when there's a good reason for the dislike. Too often, though, it seems forced because the reason for the dislike is irrational. I met a guy who I loathed from the first words out of his mouth. He was arrogant and unkind. Condescending. We worked at the same bank and I dreaded seeing him in the elevator—him and his stinkin' three-piece suit—because he never missed an opportunity. He still sparks my temper like steel on flint almost every time I see him. Which is a problem because come spring we will have been married 36 years.
That's great the relationship worked out for many years. Congrats! :)

(For me, personally, I know I can never do that. I can't stand condescending/arrogant people. And there are times when I can hold grudges for a long while. It can be hard for me to forgive others, depending on their actions. I'm friendly and talkative, but people often exhaust me and make me anxious often, so I usually keep to myself. If I dislike a person, I usually dislike them for a reason, and I have never really changed my mind about most people.)
 
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Ari Meermans

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You guys are too funny. The point was the trope can work because there are real world cases, but it sometimes doesn't work in a particular novel because the cause of dislike (conflict) is contrived. I think that some romance writers think it's an easy source of conflict, but it isn't. It's work—much like a relationship. You really have to know the personalities of your characters in order to find the source of conflict that does work. But when this trope works, it works.

As an aside, there's obviously far more to my relationship than his personality being the strop for keeping my innate sarcasm and snark honed razor sharp to be used later on . . . oh, say . . . the misogynistic prez of our local homeowner's association. The spouse actually does have lovely qualities such as generosity and a real caring for my well-being and a desire to be in my company. That last one is a real poser since it's certainly not like I don't have some pretty nasty faults my ownself.
 

ElaineA

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I always fall back on the old, tropes are tropes because they speak to something common enough that people will sit still for it being done over and over. It's always interesting to see what sparks for some and not for others.

I like the dislike-at-first-sight trope better than love-at-first-sight, but I do think it requires some early indicator of commonality between the protags. Like with Ari and Mr. Ari, they worked at the same place. That's enough for me, story-wise. They will be thrown into each other's paths occasionally, and have real opportunities to catch a glimpse of each other behaving in a surprising way. To me, that's where the conflict gets interesting. What do you do when someone you thought you disliked does something you really admire? How does the protag move from sneering discomfort in the elevator to, "hey, that was really nice of you to give Joe the Homeless Guy out front a hundred dollar bill."

The set-up may be simple, and even sometimes feel a little contrived, but if the execution toward the HEA/HFN feels genuine, I can usually forgive a little contrivance at the start.
 

Latina Bunny

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To be clear, I am not dismissing this trope or saying it could never happen.

Pretty much almost any trope can work, I feel. :)

Just stating that it is a trope I am personally not usually fond of, is all. ^_^ I have seen it work some times, especially in some historical Romances, but it's usually a trope I approach with caution because of my experiences with the contrived bad stories that contain this trope.

All tropes can work, of course. :) They're good old classics, and they can work for many people, so they're timeless.

Of course, some tropes could be updated or be given some interesting twists, or be more progressive or inclusive, but many tropes still work for many people. There are many tropes I like that someone else may not like, and vice versa, etc.

It sometimes comes down to preferences, is all.

It is good that there are different romance tropes out there, and a variety of stories out there. :)
 
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