Fortunately...unfortunately

...a SWAT team just happens to be coming down the street, and they immediately surround you with an array of submachine guns, assault rifles, shotguns and sniper rifles. Fortunately,

the SWAT team are just actors playing a scene in a movie and you are so grateful to have had a good night's sleep so that you will look fresh for your closeup. Unfortunately,

an evil person in the props department has substituted real firearms for the replicas that were supposed to be in the scene, and one of the actors (who studied at the Actors Studio) starts firing his machinegun. Fortunately,

the evil props person mistakenly filled the machine gun with blanks. Unfortunately,

the sound of the blanks makes you think real bullets have been fired, and since psychological truth is as powerful as objective truth, you fall to the ground, convulsing. Fortunately,

your performance is so riveting that the producer instantly makes you an offer to star in his next film at a salary of $50 million. Unfortunately,

before the film can go into production, the producer is charged with murdering several people, and--although a "dream team" of lawyers gets him off--the film is canceled. Fortunately,

the script is picked up by another producer with an impeccable reputation who ups his offer to you to $100 million. Unfortunately,

all his money is invested with Bernie Madoff, and when Madoff is exposed he loses everything and has to withdraw the offer. Fortunately,

his brush with Bernie Madoff inspires him to make a film about the infamous con man. Entitled Madoff With Billions, it is a runaway success and grosses $50 billion in its first week at the box office. Unfortunately,

you are left out of the film, and since he inveigled you into investing $1,000 of your own money in the project, you are worse off than ever. Fortunately,

you hire that same "dream team" of lawyers that got the first producer off the hook, to sue the pants off the second producer, resulting in an out of court settlement that nets you $10 billion. Unfortunately,

since the value of the dollar has been dropping faster than Paris Hilton's underwear, the $10 billion is actually only worth $1,000, which just happens to be what you owe your ex-wife in back child support and she is waiting outside the courtroom door to take it from you. Fortunately,

Fortunately, ironically, and justifiably you see her leave with her newest fling—the second producer. Unfortunately,

he does not think you're right for his latest project but fortunately...

...the producer's ex-wife turns up, falls in love with you and tells you that she knows how to get back at the producer and at the same time make $1 billion for the two of you. Unfortunately,

she is wearing institutional clothing with "Georgia State Prison for the Criminally Insane" stamped on the back. Fortunately,

you're in Tennessee, and you believe her when she tells you her being locked up in Georgia was a big mistake. Unfortunately,

this is just one more example of how gullible you are, and while she has you in a lip lock, she pulls out a knife longer than the one in Crocodile Dundee. Fortunately,

Crocodile Dundee comes along, pulls out his own new, improved knife and forces her to withdraw. Unfortunately,

because Mr. Dundee did not show up fast enough, what she is withdrawing the knife from is your back. Fortunately,

your Kevlar vest blunted the attack, unfortunately...

a passing stranger wearing a T-shirt that reads "Can't we all just get along?" is incensed at your flaunting of a fabric so emblematic of the military and, forgetting the message of his own clothing, lunges at you, clutches your throat and screams, "Die, Lover of Violence, Die!", totally missing the irony of the situation and almost choking you to death. Fortunately,

Fortunately,your gaze meets his and he falls hopelessly in love with you... Unfortunately,

...at the same moment a rampaging elephant comes along and tramples the stranger to death, leaving you vulnerable to the stranger's brother, who misunderestimates the situation (thank you, G.W.B.), thinks you were responsible for his brother's death and comes at you with a machete. Fortunately,