Fortunately...unfortunately

You'd have to leap into a pot of boiling water, but you're swimming in cold water. Fortunately...

a bale of turtles swim their annual journey towards the Arctic and carry you along, letting you eat some food. Unfortunately,

It was pizza. We all know what happens when frogs eat pizza. Fortunately,

you croak a song that puts everyone in trance. A female turtle falls for you, swims to you and kisses your cheek. You wrap your webbed feet around her, she blushes and hides in her shell. You join her in, pop your hand out to place a 'Do Not Disturb' card outside the shell. Unfortunately,

You've made a mistake--it's awfully hard to determine gender for a turtle. Fortunately,

You can't see the difference after two beers and decide to rock n roll n try the sex. Unfortunately,

wait, wait, don't say anything, I know:
you are in a cave, the turtle's spouse comes home and finds you in flagrante delitto, kills the turtle and lunges after you. Fortunately...

she spots the anchor tattoo on your elbow and recollects you as her childhood crush. Unfortunately,

she was a pervy, disturbed child and the things she tries...you won't. Fortunately...

a host of old turtles barge the shell and arrest her as the woman who eats her mates. You're free in the open sea and enjoy the flow of water through your gills. Unfortunately,

You are swept into a raging current, headed closer and closer to the rocky shoals of a strange island. Fortunately,

Your head collapsed with the island, sending a crack along its centre. It sinks to the sea and a genie emerges from the crack. It thanks you for freeing it and grants you three wishes. You transform to a human again and got two more wishes to spare. Unfortunately,

The first thing out of your mouth is, "I wish you would give me a little time to think about it." You now have one remaining wish. Fortunately ...

the next words out of your mouth are I wish I hadn't said that. The genie crinkles his nose and wiggles it back and forth in a gesture that is oddly familiar to you, as he grants your third wish, eliminating your second wish and fulfilling his wish obligation. Unfortunately . . .

The genie's mind is timeless and irreversible, meaning he still remembers you expressing your second wish, even though you haven't said it anymore and you don't even remember it. You are confused as he disappears, thinking you have one wish left. Fortunately ...

you rub the lamp again and another genie comes and grants you three wishes. Unfortunately,

... he is the brother of the other genie and hasn't much time for your shenanigans because he has to watch his brother. Fortunately, ...

. . . he has time available for you next Thursday at 2 p.m. sharp. You agree to meet the genie then regarding your wishes and he returns to the lamp to watch his brother. Unfortunately . . .

his brother's got measles, he asks you to babysit him while he summons a genie doctor. You pat the ailing genie's forehead, he starts crying and poops in his diaper. Fortunately,

... it's special genie diaper, so the poop is put into cryostasis until the genie doctor arrives. Unfortunately ...

the genie starts crying, his shrill yelps wake other genies. They float to you and that's when genie dies, other genies believed you killed their kind and now chase you with torches and sticks. Fortunately,

... they have not yet eaten anything and soon return to their homes to eat dinner. Unfortunately, ...

hunger invades your stomach and you search around for fruits. Fortunately,

... you find a particularly large pear. Unfortunately, ...

the pear puts you to sleep. The local tribe of the island, spot you, carry you to their town and throw you in a big black bowl. You open your eyes and see yourself surrounded in warm water as a tribal man is chopping onions and tomatoes before dropping them in the bowl. Fortunately,