Fortunately...unfortunately

a very attractive woman pulls up in a red 1967 Mustang convertible and offers you a ride. You hop in and she heads downtown. Unfortunately . . .

...she soon has the Mustang up to 90 mph. You yell, "Slow down!" but she is high on something, and she swings the Mustang onto the freeway, crosses lanes and speeds toward a Greyhound bus coming the other way. Fortunately...

the police put up roadblocks, stopping all traffic. You, your new friend, and the Mustang are trapped. The police swoop down on the car and the woman is arrested. You fall to your knees profusely thanking the officers for freeing you. Unfortunately...

Unfortunately...as the police take a closer look at you, one says, "Wait a minute! I recognize this dude! He's Killer Kronos, the tick-tock murderer!" They cuff you and haul you to their patrol car. Fortunately...

. . . at the stroke of midnight, Killer Kronos strikes again, murdering his chosen victim with a Belgian cuckoo clock, thus, placing you above suspicion. You are released under your own recognizance. Unfortunately . . .

the police drive you to the edge of town, and warn you to never come back. In the confusion leading up to your arrest and subsequent release you lost your house keys, wallet, and cell phone. You are broke except the coins in your penny loafers, and you have no idea where you are. Fortunately...

... you have thumbs, so you hitch a ride to your mom's house and soon get a ride. Unfortunately...

in the dark you did not see the No Hitchhiking sign directly behind you. The police, having second thoughts about leaving you in such a desolate place so late at night, come back to get you. Their mood soon changes when they see you with your thumb out in blatant disregard of the law. They handcuff you and take you back to jail. Fortunately...

...repair work is under way on the old jail, and as soon as you are in a cell, you realize there is a large crack in the wall. A little pushing and pulling enables you to remove some stones, providing an opening big enough to squeeze through. Unfortunately...

...you underestimated the size of your hips, which painfully get stuck in the crack. You try harder and harder to wriggle out, but you're only wedging yourself in tighter and making it harder to move. Fortunately...

...a young boy is walking outside the jail with a handful of firecrackers, and when he sees your predicament, he offers to blow enough stones away for you to get through the wall. Unfortunately...

...part of your head is blasted away along with the wall. Fortunately...

...you realize it was just part of your earlobe. It hurts like hell and is bleeding profusely but you're finally free of the wall. The firecracker boy lends you his skateboard so you can make a hasty escape. Unfortunately...

. . . thanks to your blown off ear, your equilibrium is shot to hell and maintaining balance on a plank of wood with wheels just isn't happening. Fortunately . . .

...a condor swoops down and grabs you in its talons, lifts you off the skateboard, carries you aloft and deposits you safely in a meadow. Unfortunately...

. . . this meadow is on the land of the Earl of the Catskills, a wealthy eccentric who believes he is royalty and has trespassers put to death on sight. Fortunately . . .

he has really bad eyesight, so when he hears something and shouts, "Who's there?", you freeze with your arms extended, and he mistakes you for a dead tree. Unfortunately...

...earlier that day, he had called a tree surgeon to cut down dead trees on his land. When the tree surgeon arrives, the Earl directs him to you, and the surgeon (who also has bad eyesight) revs up his chainsaw and heads toward you. Fortunately...

. . . you are much quicker than a tree and you hoof it, confident you can outrun two near-blind men. Unfortunately . . .

...tall grasses disguise the opening of an abandoned well, and in your dash for freedom you stumble into the well and hurtle down to the mucky bottom. Fortunately...

when you regain your bearings after the fall you hear a voice. You look around and see only a frog. The frogs explains that an evil witch cast a spell on him and he's been stuck in the well for nearly two-hundred years. He tells you that he once was a powerful wizard, and that if you would throw him up and out of the well he would regain his powers and be able to free you. You gently pick him up and throw him toward the well opening. Unfortunately . . .

. . . the wizard is not frog of his word. When he reaches the meadow, he does indeed transform into a wizard, but he has no intention of freeing you. He looks down at you from the rim of the well. "Help me out of here," you cry. "Don't I get three wishes for helping you?" "That's the other fairy tale, pal," he replies. As he turns to leave, the wizard calls to you. "If it's any consolation, you have my well wishes." His laughter echoes down the well. Fortunately . . .

...an underground river, dormant for years, has started to flow again. It seeps into the well, making the water level gradually rise, and you find yourself rising with it. You keep treading water till you reach the surface, where you pull yourself out, muddy and disheveled but safe at last. Unfortunately...

. . . a collie, followed by a man and a woman encouraging it along by saying things like "Where's Timmy?" and "Find Timmy, Lassie!" rushes to where you are standing near the lip of the well and begins barking at you. The man and woman turn to each other and then the woman asks the dog, "Did he take Timmy?" The dog barks once and the man, built like a lumberjack, rolls up his sleeves to reveal biceps as big around as your legs, as he approaches you. Fortunately . . .

...a dragon emerges from behind a rock. Seeing the lumberjack dude, it thinks he is a knight bent on slaying it, so it discharges a blast of fire and the dude becomes an ember. Grateful, you try to give the dragon a high five. Unfortunately...