Fortunately...unfortunately

the goon has a nauseous reaction to halitosis and fears vomiting into an unlucky patient's open mouth, so the original plan is still on. Fortunately...

Fortunately, since we seem to be doing this is a bizarre omniscent form of second/third person, we can do anything we want. So, since the logical twist would be an Ian Flemming style James Bondesque escape, we'll do something else. Something like: a hotel guest mistakes you for a bell hop and demands you immediately come get his luggage from the car. So you grab a luggage cart and run over the goon's toes causing him to drop the AK and hop around one one foot yowling in pain while you dart out the door. Unfortunately...

...the second you dart out the door you are confronted by a Bengal tiger, which roars and leaps toward you. (The bad guys always have pets, you know). Fortunately...

Fortunately, the luggage you were supposed to be after is in the back seat and the door is wide open and the keys are in the ignition. You jump in and climb into the driver's side front seat and take off. Dorothy is getting her ass back to Kansas. Unfortunately...

...you have not gone 100 feet when you see a sign reading "BRIDGE OUT!" and screech to a halt before you plunge into a turbulent river. Fortunately...

Fortunately, you learned how to swim along your adventures. Not to mention it's not your car. Unfortunately...

the driver of the car behind you was texting and couldn't stop in time. His car hits you, knocking you into the turbulent river. Fortunately . . .

Fortunately the car floats for a while, long enough to wash you onto a sandbar. Unfortunately...

...the sandbar is already occupied by a female crocodile and three of her offspring. At the sight/smell of you, the female attacks. Fortunately...

you are able to ditch your alligator purse before she spots it, at least saving yourself an awkward political discussion about the Endangered Species Act. Unfortunately...

...the croc doesn't give a shit about political correctness, and she continues toward you, opening her jaws wide as she prepares to crunch. Fortunately...

You have a bag of my grandmother's Christmas cookies, the ones garnished with the little silver balls from 1938. The cookies are even harder than the garnish but what do alligators know about Christmas cookies? They break their teeth out and you hop to another sand bar...

Unfortunately...the new sandbar is occupied by an anaconda that hasn't eaten in a month. Fortunately...

Fortunately, snakes have an excellent sense of smell and you smell terrible. After the goon with the gun, stealing a car from the hotel and crashing it, an alligator and her brood, and now a bigger than life anaconda- you could use some new skivvies. Unfortunately...

...you don't immediately realize that the anaconda doesn't find you appetizing, so you slide back into the water and begin to feel strange little bites all over your body. Piranhas! Fortunately...

(What country were we in?)

Fortunately, you're in shallow water and walk the ten feet to the other side. On the oposing river bank you pry toothy little fish from your legs and whack them on a rock. Starting a fire by rubbing two sticks together is no easy proposition, but you manage. The river is still there for rinsing your drawers, your fire is really going now, handy for drying your clothes and roast a few fishies, and keeping the creepy crawlies away while a visit is payed to slumberland. Unfortunately...

(We are in that vast country of the imagination.)

...as you are about to bite down on a tasty-looking fish, you notice movement in the brush a few feet away. At first you think it may be a harmless Armydi armadillo, but then you see its spots and realize it is a jaguar, and it is creeping toward you. Fortunately...

Fortunately, he's hungry too. He's more interested in the fish than you and he doesn't mind his cooked rare. So you toss him some heads and some spare fish you weren't going to be able to eat anyway and he curls up beside you and enjoys his little feast. Unfortunately...

Unfortunately some redhaired, eyeglass wearing individual decides to grab the tiger....lion....leopard....by the tail. It whirls and bites him....meanwhile the armadillo runs off into the brush.....fortunately

...the redhaired, eyeglass wearing (and handsome!) individual hands you a bottle of pills labeled "PROTEC-U-ASS" and says, "Take one of these every morning, and you will easily overcome all dangers." He hops onto a waiting helicopter and flies off. Unfortunately...

Unfortunately, the armadillo split, so testing the pills on him is out of the question and the pantyer is beeing too cute all curled up and purring by the fire. Fortunately...

...it's still morning, so you realize can take a Protect-U-Ass pill yourself. What harm can it do? You swallow one. Unfortunately...

Unfortunately, you took the blue pill. Fortunately...

...when the blue pill takes effect, you start to feel very, very, very happy. Unfortunately...

the little blue pill you took was a Valium, and you are soon utterly zonked. Fortunately . . .