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- Aug 26, 2007
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I've always been one who is extremely self-critical. That said, up until a couple of years ago, I never felt that way about my writing. Writing was fun, it was easy, and it was the one and only thing that I was *certain* I was good at. And then, I started taking this whole writing thing seriously. I started to realize that maybe I wasn't really all that good yet. Certainly, I was not the literary genius waiting to be discovered that I secretly hoped I was. I quickly realized, however, that all wasn't lost. I could learn, and more than that, there were people who were willing to teach me what I needed to know to grow into a better writer. So I applied myself. I joined AW, and I learned even more even faster. I was almost overwhelmed by how much I learned. And I started to doubt.
It creeped in little by little, and I was mostly able to shove it aside and keep going. After all, in order to grow, you have to learn what mistakes you're making if you want to be able to fix them, right? But then it seemed like all I could do was make mistakes. The more I learned, the more I saw what I didn't know. It has gotten really, really hard to believe that I'll ever be successful, when all I can see are the flaws...everything that I'm doing wrong. I know that mechanically, there isn't a whole lot wrong with my writing, either. (Nothing that can’t be fixed on edit, anyway) I write cleanly, clearly, and I know also that imagery is a strength.
Stacked up against what I do wrong, though, it seems like a very small number of marks for the "PRO" column. Lots more fall into the "CON". And I have to wonder if this self-criticism that I never really dealt with before the last couple of years isn't due to the fact that I've learned so much. It sounds stupid to my own ears. I mean, normally, the more you learn, the more competent you become, yes? But I feel less competent, less sure.
Most importantly of all: writing has stopped being fun. "Am I good enough yet?" I'm asking myself this question, and I am not satisfied with the answer. The easiest way to get a solid answer, of course, is to finish work and submit it. My track record on that is not good. No acceptances as of yet. Now it’s gotten to the point where I’m so self-critical that it’s rare I can actually write any fiction at all. I hate it before I’ve even written “Chapter One”.
So anyway. Point of this long, rambling post (I've been up all night, so please forgive me) is to ask: does anyone else think that learning a lot can actually damage you as a writer? Not permanently or anything, but can it hurt you? I am on the cusp of giving up trying to write to be published. I want to enjoy writing again more than I want to be published, I think. Or maybe it’s the simple fact that if I don’t find a way to enjoy it again, I’ll never be published because I’ll never write anything again. So maybe it is time to just treat it as a hobby. I don’t know. Whatever I can do to make it fun again would be awesome, and any advice anyone has for me to start getting over myself on this would be very welcome. I’m struggling really badly with this, and have for some time.
It creeped in little by little, and I was mostly able to shove it aside and keep going. After all, in order to grow, you have to learn what mistakes you're making if you want to be able to fix them, right? But then it seemed like all I could do was make mistakes. The more I learned, the more I saw what I didn't know. It has gotten really, really hard to believe that I'll ever be successful, when all I can see are the flaws...everything that I'm doing wrong. I know that mechanically, there isn't a whole lot wrong with my writing, either. (Nothing that can’t be fixed on edit, anyway) I write cleanly, clearly, and I know also that imagery is a strength.
Stacked up against what I do wrong, though, it seems like a very small number of marks for the "PRO" column. Lots more fall into the "CON". And I have to wonder if this self-criticism that I never really dealt with before the last couple of years isn't due to the fact that I've learned so much. It sounds stupid to my own ears. I mean, normally, the more you learn, the more competent you become, yes? But I feel less competent, less sure.
Most importantly of all: writing has stopped being fun. "Am I good enough yet?" I'm asking myself this question, and I am not satisfied with the answer. The easiest way to get a solid answer, of course, is to finish work and submit it. My track record on that is not good. No acceptances as of yet. Now it’s gotten to the point where I’m so self-critical that it’s rare I can actually write any fiction at all. I hate it before I’ve even written “Chapter One”.
So anyway. Point of this long, rambling post (I've been up all night, so please forgive me) is to ask: does anyone else think that learning a lot can actually damage you as a writer? Not permanently or anything, but can it hurt you? I am on the cusp of giving up trying to write to be published. I want to enjoy writing again more than I want to be published, I think. Or maybe it’s the simple fact that if I don’t find a way to enjoy it again, I’ll never be published because I’ll never write anything again. So maybe it is time to just treat it as a hobby. I don’t know. Whatever I can do to make it fun again would be awesome, and any advice anyone has for me to start getting over myself on this would be very welcome. I’m struggling really badly with this, and have for some time.