Learn Writing with Uncle Jim, Volume 2

Tastes have changed in the nearly sixty years since this book was published.

Page two....

James D. Macdonald said:

Tastes have changed in the nearly sixty years since this book was published.

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Most certainly!
That said I tend to check random pages in the book, when I don't like the start, so as to give them another chance.

My pals are two other gals and three guys from quite an assortment of times and places. We're a pretty good team, and with Sid bossing, we run a pretty good Recuperation Station, though we have our family troubles. But most of our troubles come slamming into the Place with the beat-up Soldiers who've generally just been going through hell and want to raise some of their own. As a matter of fact, it was three newly arrived Soldiers who started this thing I'm going to tell you about, this thing that showed me so much about myself and everything.

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Here. I'd keep going.
It has nothing to do with the arrival of the hussars (although that's the one thing that had me intrigued, from the get-go), but more with the change of voice. We're in.

What's with the random capitalisation, though? Was that common, sixty years ago? Because it makes me feel like I'm reading a book written in German. Except it's not, and it leaves me very confused indeed.

James D. Macdonald said:

Okay, do you turn the page?

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No. I grew bored during the history lecture. The very last line sounded like an introduction to yet more lecturing.

I still think that main character narrator directly lecturing the reader is the weakest link. How does the character know that I don't know about the Change War if not by being conscious of being fictional?

"Dear imaginary friend/intelligence agent/psychiatrist" at the beginning would make it much better, if rest of the text conforms to some kind of epistolary form.

The capitalization ... was a thing in fantasy novels for quite a while. It made Some words more Important, I guess. "The Curse of Random Capitalization" we call it.

Who a first-person narrator is talking to has been a problem with first person since ... forever.

So what is this book?

After reading it up until this point, I'd trudge on. It seems like the backstory and lecturing is finally coming to an end, and I am intrigued by the last couple paragraphs. I want to know more about the main character and what she does, and the world she is describing does sound interesting (setting aside my issues with how this information is given to the reader).

We'd better get to an actual scene soon though. It sounds like that's the direction the book is heading in though, judging by the ending of this excerpt.

Also, I too find the random capitalization to be distracting. While reading the second paragraph, I wondered why "demons" was capitalized, while "devils" wasn't.

The actual story, with action, dialog, and all the rest of that, starts at the very top of the next page, first sentence of the first paragraph there.

I suppose this could be considered a "prologue" that was stuck on the beginning of the first chapter rather than being separated out into its own section (where it could be conveniently ignored by most readers).

In a bit, line-by-line and word-by-word through the first page.

(You know my methods, Watson. Apply them!)

feyngirl said:

Not all of his tricks were the most impressive, but they were done with a huge amount of flair, and he seemed to be able to effortlessly control where you looked. Every so often through the routine, his bow tie would turn up somewhere it wasn't meant to be, and every time you'd say this time, this time I'll watch his collar and I'll see when he takes it off. And you never did. Something else would be happening, and you'd be so interested that everything else flew out of your mind.

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Getting back to that magician for a moment: The reason you don't see when he makes the secret move is because all his moves are motivated.

Let's look at that first page. It's from The Big Time by Fritz Leiber. It won the Hugo for Best Novel in 1958.
We start with an epigram, from that ill-omened play Macbeth. Macbeth has the advantage of being very-well known in the USA, partly due to its being in the standard high school curriculum. The current quote sets the stage as being involved with war and battles, and is delivered by the Weird Sisters, manipulative creatures from outside time who care little about humanity.
We start quite literally with a stage direction. Three is the number of perfection (and three is also the number of the Weird Sisters). Hussars were best known as 18/19th century European cavalry used for scouting, security, and raiding. In a story in the mid-20th century they would be an anachronism.
First sentence. First person, five words. Gendered feminine first name. Classically, stories start with a person in a place with a problem, and one of those is now covered.
More description, reinforcing the feminine identity, and about all the description of her that we're going to get. In the parlance of the time, "party girl" would mean "easy lay." Eight words, ending with "me."
By far the longest sentence up to this point; thirty seven words in a compound complex sentence. A little more self-description, but only in terms of birthplace and family. First hints of what genre we're in.
In 1958 film actress Greta Garbo would have needed no introduction. At twenty-six words the sentence is only slightly shorter than the last, and ends with "my own." Non-specific self-description; the reader is left to fill in the blanks. Again a theatrical reference.
Same length as the last sentence. Moving out to her job, and the first hint of her problem. More notes on genre. This isn't just science fiction, it's military science fiction. "Soldiers" is capitalized, marking it as a proper noun; perhaps marking that these Soldiers are not the same as soldiers. In 1958 the US was barely a decade out of WWII, and less than that out of Korea. Eisenhower, the Supreme Allied Commander, was president.
Backstory. Twenty-seven words in this sentence, ending with "Time." (The Big Time, as opposed to The Big Show, that is, WWII.)
Another long, complex sentence. Ends with "now." Backstory. (Sometimes the easiest way to tell the audience something is to just tell them.)
Last sentence of the first paragraph. Short, punchy, at just six words. "Me" is in the position of power, ending both the sentence and the paragraph. "Killing" is introduced explicitly; we knew this was a war, but the business of war is often glanced over. Our narrator is a combat nurse. She'd know.
The page ends with the first part of the first sentence of the second paragraph. It promises more back story.

The author wants us to slow down here--long, compound complex sentences ensure that. It's also info-rich (if not an out-and-out info dump). There's a promise of action in that opening stage direction, but not much since.

---------

As the story continues, we meet a small number of characters, including non-humans, from the distant past, from the far future, and from off-Earth locations. At various times most (if not all) turn to the reader and deliver long monologues. Eventually, the careful reader will notice that the entire book is set in a single room, about the size of a stage. To answer the question some have asked in this thread, who is the narrator talking to? the answer is: this is a play, these are actors, and we, the readers, are the audience.

I had a look at what I would want to strike out, to get me to turn the page.

James D. Macdonald said:

Time for a First Page....

When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

When the hurly burly's done.
When the battle's lost and won.
-- Macbeth

ENTER THREE HUSSARS I love the chapter heading.

My name is Greta Forzane. Twenty-nine and a party girl would describe me. I was born in Chicago, of Scandinavian parents, but now I operate chiefly outside space and time--not in Heaven or Hell, if there are such places, but not in the cosmos or universe you know either.

I am not as romantically entrancing as the immortal film star who also bears my first name, but I have a rough-and-ready charm of my own. I need it, for my job is to nurse back to health and kid back to sanity Soldiers badly roughed up in the biggest war going. This war is the Change War, a war of time travelers--in fact, our private name for being in this war is being on the Big Time. (being in / being on pulled me out, Big Time) Our Soldiers fight by going back to change the past, or even ahead to change the future, in ways to help our side win the final victory a billion or more years from now. A long killing business, believe me. <-- love this

You don't know about the Change War, but it's influencing​

Okay, do you turn the page?

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James D. Macdonald said:

As the story continues, we meet a small number of characters, including non-humans, from the distant past, from the far future, and from off-Earth locations. At various times most (if not all) turn to the reader and deliver long monologues. Eventually, the careful reader will notice that the entire book is set in a single room, about the size of a stage. To answer the question some have asked in this thread, who is the narrator talking to? the answer is: this is a play, these are actors, and we, the readers, are the audience.

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Interestingly, I'd keep all the references to theatre / movies, mainly because of that quote at the beginning. But I would get rid of quite a bit of exposition. Probably a book I'd like to see played out, or preferably play out myself -- as opposed to reading it directly.

Interesting artifact of the times. All the fleeting references, idioms and allusions. Like having a New York Times issue from 1958. Is it worth analysing it like that?

Any way you choose to analyze a work of fiction is worthwhile. Finding the temporal references could be fun.

A Feminist critique? Sure! A Marxist critique? Why not?

1958 is nothing. Analyzing stuff from 1888, or 1848 -- way tougher. Stuff from 1548 ... you almost need specialist training to do that.

One thing we can see here is that stories date. Particularly if you're using popular references. Film stars, popular songs, slang ... those go fast.

As the novel progresses (and it's barely of novel length ... 128 pages in the trade paperback I have on my desk here, just about 40,000 words) we learn that the characters we meet don't actually know who they're fighting for, or why, or even what victory will mean. The two sides are referred to as "Snakes" and "Spiders," for reasons that we never learn. It's a bleak Oceania-has-always-been-at-war-with-Eastasia sort of universe, seen from the very lowest level of the grunts and support staff. It's also a locked-room mystery.

It's an ambitious, non-typical work.

It's also been continuously in print since its first publication. (In slightly different form it was originally published in Galaxy Science Fiction as a two-part serial; the copyright on that was never renewed so that version is up on Project Gutenberg).

Eh. I'll read it. I'm really curious about it now.

James D. Macdonald said:

One thing we can see here is that stories date. Particularly if you're using popular references. Film stars, popular songs, slang ... those go fast.

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Excellent point. I think I would have appreciated this opening more if I caught some of the references like the one to Greta Garbo, but alas, that was far before my time. Even with more modern authors such as Stephen King, I've caught my eyes glazing over when older pop culture references since I don't get many of them, or only vaguely understand them. That gives me some food for thought for my own WIP, which uses a moderate number of music references.

Going off your description of it, I'm interested to read more.

My description makes you want to read more ... but the first page generally left folks feeling ... eh.

Of course, in the wild, the first page or two aren't the only things most folks have to go on. They also have the publisher's name or editor's reputation (in this case, Galaxy magazine, under H. L. Gold and Frederick Pohl, who had published many important and well-liked stories and novels), the author's name (Fritz Leiber was well-known and popular), and reviews, cover art, back-cover blub, sell-line, word-of-mouth, and all the rest of the cloud that surrounds any commercial publication.

If you'd read and liked other stories by the same author, you'll give that author more of a chance. (That's why established authors can get away with slow or confusing openings, while a first-timer could never think of doing so.)

Leiber had been writing Fafhrd and Gray Mouser stories since the late '30s, as well as many other popular and well-received works in a variety of genres. (His novel, Conjure Wife, has been reprinted and packaged as science fiction, fantasy, horror, and romance by various publishers over the years. That may be a record.)

As to using popular culture in our stories: Ian Fleming described James Bond as looking like Hoagy Carmichael. Without looking him up, how many of us, today, can picture Hoagy Carmichael? What we also know about Bond, from the novels, is that he's a dark-haired middle-aged Scotsman, once muscular, who now struggles with his weight. I would argue that the latter description is the one that is actually useful to the reader.

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Soon: The first page from a first-time author.

First page of a first novel by a previously unknown writer:
Would you turn the page?

Having recovered from the opening simile, yes. I like the mood, and it's presented very well, almost timeless.

Talk Like an English Major.

In today's episode, the difference between metaphor and simile.

A metaphor compares two things directly. A simile also compares two things, but uses the words "like" or "as" to do so.

Metaphors:

The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees.

The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas.

The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,

And the highwayman came riding—

Riding—riding—

The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door.

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Simile:

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St. Nicholas too.

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Both are used to give the reader the feeling of something unfamiliar by explaining it in terms of the familiar.

Why do I tell you the names of things? Because the Sapir–Whorf hypothesis commands me.

The rain clawed at the windows of the bar like an angry cat and tried to sneak in every time some drunk lurched in the door.

I recommend vaguely familiar as well as familiar if you write horrors or thrillers. Reader's mind will fill in the blanks.

The reader is your willing collaborator.

I'd read on. I like how the Indian summer is treated as a character and antagonist. In a weird way, and probably because it's so fresh of my mind, it reminds me of the first chapter of IT by Stephen King, in which the town of Derry is the main antagonist. And I like this sentence:

And sometimes the old, against all the warnings of better judgment, wait with the young and hopeful [...]

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I wouldn't turn the page. That's not because it isn't good, of it's kind. In fact, I think there's a lot of strength in the opening, because it makes it really clear what sort of book it's going to be, and I don't think I'd enjoy it. With that first sentence ending in woman and the emphasis on heat and passion, I think this will be about interpersonal relationships, possibly affairs. From the emphasis on winter/summer I would think there would be a range of ages, so maybe an multi-generational family saga? It must be twentieth century from the language, but with the slow start I would think it would be from before the seventies.

So I think it's clear on the type of book it is, which is good. On the other hand, that's a huge wodge of description! We've got a place, but no person except the shopkeepers and no problem apart from the heat. I want to feel that I'm going to be shown wonders; what I'm being shown is that New England can be hot.

James D. Macdonald said:

Would you turn the page?

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Maybe. I liked it starting out, but by the end of the page, I was skimming. I think the writer went beyond making a point about the weather (which is probably also some sort of foreshadowing) to hammering it in with a mallet. Enough about Indian summer already.

This must be Peyton Place. Which I've never read. Is it any good, once you get past the weather?