Return of a Man Named PAMB and its Quotes

Gravity · Mar 31, 2010

On another tangent, a honeymooner on the Facebook page is trying to get his book into libraries, and is pleading for only positive comments. After his post first appeared there yesterday morning he finally got a couple. I feel terrible for him.

James D. Macdonald · Mar 31, 2010

We're not waiting for Regis or Kelly's producers to ask for your book.

... because if we were, we'd be waiting for a long, long time.

==================

NEXT WEEK'S OFFER:

Dear Author:

PublishAmerica will submit your book to Lucifer!

Many of you have wondered how authors get rich and famous. Gone from rags to riches, from the trailer park to the penthouse. Ever wondered, how is their book any better than mine? The answer is, it probably isn't. They sold their soul to the devil!

PublishAmerica will submit your book to His Imperial Majesty, Satan. We will burn up to five copies of your book at a crossroads, during the dark of the moon, while chanting ancient rituals to draw the attention and favor of the Prince of the Powers of the Air, and the interest of several of his lesser demons. Imagine if Lilith or Beelzebub read and enjoyed your book enough to offer you one of their once-in-a-lifetime contracts!

We're not waiting for Lucifer to ask for your book. We're sacrificing it to Him. And we will let your local church, synagogue, or mosque know that your book is being submitted to the Powers Below. So they can put a spotlight on you.

Here's how we do it:

If you want to have books on hand, order now, and we will burn up to five copies, mingling the ashes with the blood of newborn babes. The more books you burn, the better Satan likes it. And you receive a 50 (that's FIFTY) pct discount!

The books for Lucifer will go to Hell shortly after you receive your own copies, for consideration at the devil's discretion.

Go to www.publishamerica.net, find your book, click on it, then add to cart, indicate quantity, and use this coupon: Satanic50. Then click Recalculate and finish the transaction. Minimum volume is 666 copies.

In the Ordering Instructions field, just write: "Repentance Yes". Our PR department will automatically contact you for name and address of your priest, rabbi, minister, or imam.

By using the coupon you are authorizing us to sacrifice the books to Satan and his demons. You may also request that we ship five FREE books to you instead.

Full-color and hardcovers excluded. Offer expires this weekend on Sunday night.

Thank you.
PublishAmerica Author Temptation Team

Snowstorm · Mar 31, 2010

Jim, will they hand deliver?

JimmyD1318 · Mar 31, 2010

Snowstorm said:
Jim, will they hand deliver?

Now that's a scray thought!

PVish · Mar 31, 2010

Cyia said:
And then there's this:

http://bb.publishamerica.com/viewtopic.php?t=32140
There are no words. Imagine the mess Scholastic or Little Brown would be in if one of their authors found out there was no ISBN information available on their books - especially AFTER the release date.

And PA replies:

Thank you for your concern, but we're not having any difficulties.
We simply made a move from Ingram to the world's largest and most
cutting-edge wholesaler, Baker and Taylor. This will lead to increased
exposure of our titles once all vendors have updated their files, a
work that is in progress as we speak, most of which is outside our
control since this is mostly computer generated.

Meanwhile, none of our books are unavailable. Every vendor has full
access to all PublishAmerica titles, and they know exactly how to
access them.

Marian Perera · Mar 31, 2010

Gravity said:
On another tangent, a honeymooner on the Facebook page is trying to get his book into libraries, and is pleading for only positive comments. After his post first appeared there yesterday morning he finally got a couple. I feel terrible for him.

He's got a habit of deleting his threads (if that's what they're called on Facebook), which wipes out everyone's replies to him. That may be one reason why he's not getting many responses now. He's also been given a lot of good advice, but ignores it, so I'm afraid he'll have to learn from experience what it's like to deal with PA.

CatSlave · Mar 31, 2010

James D. Macdonald said:
... because if we were, we'd be waiting for a long, long time.
==================

NEXT WEEK'S OFFER:

Dear Author:

PublishAmerica will submit your book to Lucifer! ...

Thank you.
PublishAmerica Author Temptation Team

May Herpes, the god of Warts, bless PublishAmerica abundantly for their generosity.

DaveKuzminski · Mar 31, 2010

I understand Helen Fry is in charge of receiving publisher donations. Obviously, PA should go to Helen Fry if they want their donations accepted.

(Apologies to Dilbert)

JimmyD1318 · Mar 31, 2010

CatSlave said:
May Herpes, the god of Warts, bless PublishAmerica abundantly for their generosity.

Ohhhh...brother! That's going to leave a mark!

Gillhoughly · Mar 31, 2010

Meanwhile, none of our books are unavailable.

Except to book buyers making orders.

Every vendor has full access to all PublishAmerica titles, and they know exactly how to access them.

Only they don't WANT them because the profit margin you want on your overpriced titles isn't worth the time it takes to fill out the paperwork.

However, every vendor and quite a few unhappy PA writers know exactly where the Stooges can shove their copy machine.

Terie · Mar 31, 2010

James D. Macdonald said:
Go to www.publishamerica.net, find your book, click on it, then add to cart, indicate quantity, and use this coupon: Satanic50. Then click Recalculate and finish the transaction. Minimum volume is 9 copies.

Shouldn't that be 'Minimum volume is 666 copies'? :evil

merrihiatt · Mar 31, 2010

James D. Macdonald · Apr 1, 2010

Terie said:
Shouldn't that be 'Minimum volume is 666 copies'?

You're right. Fixed.

(See why everyone needs editing?)

In all seriousness:

Many of you have seen authors appear on one of America's top-three daytime TV shows, Live with Regis and Kelly. Famous and not so famous. Ever wondered, how is their book any better than mine? The answer is, it probably isn't.

The answer is, it probably is. Tons better.

But more important than that, every one of them is published by a real publisher with editing, production values, publicity, marketing, and, most important of all, DISTRIBUTION.

JimmyD1318 · Apr 1, 2010

James D. Macdonald said:
You're right. Fixed.

(See why everyone needs editing?)

In all seriousness:
The answer is, it probably is. Tons better.

But more important than that, every one of them is published by a real publisher with editing, production values, publicity, marketing, and, most important of all, DISTRIBUTION.

You can always count on Uncle Jim to tell it like it is. All of these new crazy emails coming from PA has got to have some of their authors wondering what's up with them.

JulieB · Apr 1, 2010

If any POD author's book ends up on one of these shows, how can the publisher keep up with the sudden demand? They can't.

And the author loses out on sales in the end.

brianm · Apr 1, 2010

JulieB said:
If any POD author's book ends up on one of these shows, how can the publisher keep up with the sudden demand? They can't.

And the author loses out on sales in the end.

If, by some miracle, a PA book did end up on the show and demand increased, PA would cancel the author's contract and dump the book because they are not set up to handle anything but sales to their own authors.

~brianm~

kaitie · Apr 1, 2010

Didn't someone actually get featured on some show once ages ago? I seem to remember hearing that, but I don't recall the details.

ResearchGuy · Apr 1, 2010

brianm said:
If, by some miracle, a PA book did end up on the show and demand increased, PA would cancel the author's contract and dump the book because they are not set up to handle anything but sales to their own authors.

~brianm~

Demand might increase to the low single digits after those interested attempt to place an order.

--Ken

Gillhoughly · Apr 1, 2010

Didn't someone actually get featured on some show once ages ago? I seem to remember hearing that, but I don't recall the details.

Was it the mother and daughter fighting on Dr. Phil?

PA told the mother that her story of surviving a serial killer would get her 3 million.

Which of course was a nasty ol' lie.

Transcript from the show:

“Exactly my point!" Dr. Phil exclaims. "Do y’all think that this book is going to make a lot of money? Is that what this is about?”

“Well, she told me that it was projected, the first check in September was projected to be $3,000,000,” Sarah says.

“No, what I told her was, according to my contract, a million books sold was a $3,000,000 check,” Carrie explains.

Dr. Phil turns to Carrie’s would-be publisher, Batya, from PublishAmerica. He asks her, “How many $3,000,000 checks has PublishAmerica ever written to a new author two months after the book came out?”

“I think I can safely say none,” she says. (For once someone at PA tells the truth! But just the once.)

Dr. Phil tells Carrie, "This $3,000,000 pipe dream, I’m sorry, ain’t happening. Ain’t almost happening — I’m sorry — I don’t know who told you this — ”

It was the Stooges, Dr. Phil!!! :e2stooges

Even more absurd is the idea that PA would give a writer a 3.00 royalty on each book sold. :roll:

BenPanced · Apr 1, 2010

Or even give a writer a $3.00 royalty check total...

Gravity · Apr 1, 2010

Queen of Swords said:
He's got a habit of deleting his threads (if that's what they're called on Facebook), which wipes out everyone's replies to him. That may be one reason why he's not getting many responses now. He's also been given a lot of good advice, but ignores it, so I'm afraid he'll have to learn from experience what it's like to deal with PA.

The same guy (who's a self-proclaimed computer whiz) is now saying he's looking into Tate for his next book. Darn shame his mad skilz don't carry over into Google-fu.

Marian Perera · Apr 1, 2010

He should post on the Tate thread here. Stacy Baker would leap in happily to post her firm's phone number for the twentieth time.

BenPanced · Apr 1, 2010

Gravity said:
The same guy (who's a self-proclaimed computer whiz) is now saying he's looking into Tate for his next book. Darn shame his mad skilz don't carry over into Google-fu.

He's another PAvidian clinging to the hope that because there's nothing recent online that slams his publisher, none of the bashing is true. He pulled up a link that's over three years old as his evidence.

ResearchGuy · Apr 1, 2010

BenPanced said:
He's another PAvidian clinging to the hope that because there's nothing recent online that slams his publisher, none of the bashing is true. He pulled up a link that's over three years old as his evidence.

Some people cannot be saved. C'est la vie. (To put it another way, you can fool some of the people all of the time.)

--Ken

Arkie · Apr 1, 2010

I'm a bit surprised that some disgruntled PA authors local to the Frederick area have not organized a picket line in front of the PA building. It seems it would attract local media and might even gain the attention of the Washington beltway media.

Return of a Man Named PAMB and its Quotes

Seen 'em come, seen 'em go

Your Genial Uncle

Baby plot bunneh sniffs out a clue

THE POPCORN MONSTER!

Cat hair collector

starting over

Mah tale iz draggin.

Preditors & Editors

THE POPCORN MONSTER!

Grumpy writer and editor

Writer is as Writer does

Writing! Writing! Writing!

Your Genial Uncle

THE POPCORN MONSTER!

I grow my own catnip

Brian Boru

With great power comes

Resident Curmudgeon

Grumpy writer and editor

THE BLUEBERRY QUEEN OF HADES (he/him)

Seen 'em come, seen 'em go

starting over

THE BLUEBERRY QUEEN OF HADES (he/him)

Resident Curmudgeon

a reader's ear and a writer's heart