We all know that struggling writers can sometimes find themselves strapped for cash. By that I don’t mean they visit an S&M parlour. (Just in case the allusion to a “struggling writer” has invoked an image of bondage linked with the ferocious use of a leather strap. And if it has then you may like to consider seeking some professional help). If so, my charges are modest. Talking about S&M, when a dominatrix dies do you think her former clients should have a whip round? Just a thought. Anyway, we were discussing this at an editorial meeting a few years ago when someone came up with this brilliant idea for a second income. It entailed opening up a men’s barbershop and employing naked women to cut the hair. Okay, I know it’s not politically correct but just run with it for a while.
Not only had it never, to our knowledge, been done before, we decided that the place would be packed solid from the time it opened until the time it closed. Even those guys who didn’t need a haircut would be coming in. Probably every day. ‘It grew last night and needs another trim. I don’t want people to think I’m a hippy.’ Others might want each hair cut individually. Okay, it would attract a lot of dirty old men. But so what? Their money is as good as anyone else’s. And to avoid the problem of wandering hands we’d have an apron that acted like a straightjacket. ‘What about bald men?’ I said. ‘They’ll be standing at the window drooling and that might put the customers off. Not to mention the cost of having the windows cleaned every day.' The solution was simple. If the customer was bald then it was a polishing job. The female barber would apply a moisturising cream and give the customer’s head a good buff.
We came up with a slogan: “Bald? Leave here and you'll shine at work all day!” We could even resurrect the old shoeshine boy, (in this case a female), and do them top and bottom. Needless to say, she'd probably get tired of customers saying, 'And while you're down there, love...' As we mulled the idea over we realised that there might be a health and safety issue. Just think about it. The problem is the customer’s face would be in close proximity to the female’s body and she could very easily poke his eyes out. And I don’t mean with her scissors. We decided the best way around this would be to issue each customer with safety goggles. Okay, we realised there’s a downside. The customer is forced to wear a straightjacket and goggles. But then there was the upside. How many times have you had a spontaneous emission whilst having a haircut?
Finally, in a spirit of sexual equality we decided we could also open a female hair salon. In this case the naked barbers would be composed of athletic young men. The customers could admire their barber’s six-pack and other attributes whilst he’s doing their hair. No need for straightjackets because we doubted any of the barbers would object to a “hands on experience.” It would also provide some natural setting gel for the customer’s hair. And if the idea caught on – as we knew it would – we would open a chain of these places. We even thought up a name: “The Bareassed Barber.” Yes, I know what you’re going to say. Why didn’t we do it? Simple. Because it would be sexual exploitation. Being perfect gentlemen we could never bring ourselves to exploit females in such a crude fashion. As mere sex objects. Anyway, we decided our wives probably wouldn’t let us.
Not only had it never, to our knowledge, been done before, we decided that the place would be packed solid from the time it opened until the time it closed. Even those guys who didn’t need a haircut would be coming in. Probably every day. ‘It grew last night and needs another trim. I don’t want people to think I’m a hippy.’ Others might want each hair cut individually. Okay, it would attract a lot of dirty old men. But so what? Their money is as good as anyone else’s. And to avoid the problem of wandering hands we’d have an apron that acted like a straightjacket. ‘What about bald men?’ I said. ‘They’ll be standing at the window drooling and that might put the customers off. Not to mention the cost of having the windows cleaned every day.' The solution was simple. If the customer was bald then it was a polishing job. The female barber would apply a moisturising cream and give the customer’s head a good buff.
We came up with a slogan: “Bald? Leave here and you'll shine at work all day!” We could even resurrect the old shoeshine boy, (in this case a female), and do them top and bottom. Needless to say, she'd probably get tired of customers saying, 'And while you're down there, love...' As we mulled the idea over we realised that there might be a health and safety issue. Just think about it. The problem is the customer’s face would be in close proximity to the female’s body and she could very easily poke his eyes out. And I don’t mean with her scissors. We decided the best way around this would be to issue each customer with safety goggles. Okay, we realised there’s a downside. The customer is forced to wear a straightjacket and goggles. But then there was the upside. How many times have you had a spontaneous emission whilst having a haircut?
Finally, in a spirit of sexual equality we decided we could also open a female hair salon. In this case the naked barbers would be composed of athletic young men. The customers could admire their barber’s six-pack and other attributes whilst he’s doing their hair. No need for straightjackets because we doubted any of the barbers would object to a “hands on experience.” It would also provide some natural setting gel for the customer’s hair. And if the idea caught on – as we knew it would – we would open a chain of these places. We even thought up a name: “The Bareassed Barber.” Yes, I know what you’re going to say. Why didn’t we do it? Simple. Because it would be sexual exploitation. Being perfect gentlemen we could never bring ourselves to exploit females in such a crude fashion. As mere sex objects. Anyway, we decided our wives probably wouldn’t let us.
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