Scenes from a hat!

2) I'll measure yours if you measure mine.

3) Dude, you should really see a doctor about that. <points vaguely at other man's crotch, zips up and walks away before he can respond>

4. Here. Let me help you with that.

5. Wow! Two! I was thinking of getting that modification as well.



Reasons why 'bring your zoo animal to work day' never caught on.

1. Not enough bread

2. "Mr. Bubbles is usually such a gentle panther. I don't know what happened. I think maybe John looked at him funny."

3) Unbagged elephant poop.

4) "Nooo! Cornish pixies do not count as zoo animals ... and tell them to leave the aquarium alone." *A crash followed by a rush of water and tittering can be heard.*

5. It's just as hard getting the giraffe out of the elevator as it was to get in.

Signs your dealer might have sold you fake goods

1) The instructions on the side of your baggie read, "just add milk and fry in butter".

2) The instructions for your new furniture is written in a language you've never heard of and the picture on the box is a Big Mac.

3) Mixed in with the greens are scented wood chips and dried cranberries.

4. The magic little pills say Zyrtec on one side. As a plus, your allergies have cleared up.

5. The tires of your new Lamborghini are FedExed a month after you purchase the car.


Sure fire ways to get yourself booted during jury selection.

1) Announcing, whether asked or not, “I’m a crime fiction novelist. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of my imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales will be entirely coincidental.”

2) I've seen a lot of shifty-eyed degenerates in my day and I can tell you that that guy *points to defendant* did the deed.
- This is a property dispute sir.
Ohhhh, right.

3) Start rapping some Jay-Z

"The year's '94 and my trunk is raw
In my rear view mirror is the mother fuckin' law
I got two choices y'all pull over the car or (hmmm)
Bounce on the double put the pedal to the floor
Now I ain't tryin' to see no highway chase with Jay.
Plus i got a few dollars i can fight the case
So I...pull over to the side of the road
I heard "Son do you know why I'm stoppin' you for?"
Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hats real low?
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don't know
Am I under arrest or should I guess some mo'?"

4) In your best Al Pacino impression, "You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, raped and beat that woman there, and he'd like to do it again, he told me so! It's just a show! It's a show! It's "Let's Make A Deal"! "Let's Make A Deal"! Hey Frank, you wanna make a deal? I got an insane judge who likes to beat the shit out of women! Whaddya wanna gimme Frank, three weeks probation?"

5) *Raises hand.* Ok. I'm sensing bubbles of hostility surrounding me and that guy has been staring at my ankle for the last half hour and that makes me feel very uncomfortable.


Inappropriate ways for door-to-door salesman to sell their products.

1. *Dusting self off in fireplace* "You're door was locked. Glad I found this other way in."

2. Do you own a cat? Our tasers may fit in a purse, but just watch what they can do!

3. *Drive's Tahoe through the front door.* I know what you're saying - a door-to-door car salesman sounds crazy, but you never responded to any of our mailers, so here I am. Let me tell you, one ride in this baby, and you'll never want to drive another car.

4) Sir, I can confirm from first hand experience that these vibrators make your wife squeal like no other.

5. Yes, mam, but I have to take the jewelry back to my ... shop to clean them ... Oh, certainly, I can clean your wedding ring as well.


The best ways to piss off your neighbor.

1. Before going on a vacation, remove all the neighbor's tires and leave the cars on cinder blocks. Leave a note - "Needed some extra tires for the kids - tire racing keeps 'em occupied. Back in 30 days ... Oh and thanks!!!!"