Another off the wall question from me.. (personal relationships, Part 2)

Wayne K said:

I'm writing a creative memoir about how three generations of my family see the things I've done in my life.
You guys were incredible when I asked the interracial question here. Thank you.
Now the next weird one: I dated a woman who was once known as Jose. He had the full sex change thing and was working behind the perfume counter at Macys. She was beautiful.
We went our separate ways when she siad to herself "Oops" and freaked out on me.
Anyway, how do you look at a relationship like that? How old are you(No cheating) and honesty may be brutal in your mind, but not for me. I want it.
Thanks.

Click to expand...

Love the question, and sorry to answer with a question. What do you mean when you say, "...she said to herself "Oops" and freaked out on me."

Regarding age, fat chance, but I will give you an honest assessment of my feelings when you answer my question.

I wear a beard similar to Mr. Crowe's in your avatar. I can't imagine being intimate with a person who has a beard. I like soft, smooth skin, full lips... you get the picture. My wife, on the other hand likes the look of the beard, and likes the feel of it when we're intimate. It takes different strokes for different folkes.
As far as your friend from Macy's, If it were me, I'd react to her as she is now, not as she was before.

How do I look at your relationship with the transgendered woman? To be honest it took me a long time to figure out what the question was because I really didn't "look at it" as anything. It's how I would look at anyone's relationship, and seeing as I have no idea how your relationship was, whether it was mutually supported, and based on trust and love, or if you fought every hour of the day etc, I can't really say. As far as how do I look at a relationship between a man and a transgendered woman in general? I say it's hard enough to find someone out there as it is, if you can, and are happy, then who am I to judge?

I'm really not sure what my age has to do with it, but I'm 28.

Two questions, what do you mean by "Oops", and did you know she was transgendered when the relationship started?


(All you get by way of age is that I'm firmly entrenched in the target demographic of most TV networks, so there )

I'll say mine - 28 And for your other question... I grew up with a gay older brother, went to drag shows, gay bars (around here, they're called "Family Bars"), and caught him making out with all kinds of people while drunk. Then I got married and now have a drag queen for a brother in law.
So, there's nothing shocking/wrong/weird in my world. My parents and my in-laws, however...

As a woman slightly under thirty I have no problem with transgender people or people being in relationships with them. But I do think it's sad that an m to f transgender person will never be able to bear children, and last I heard the technology to take DNA from a sperm and put it into an empty egg to be fertilized by another sperm, or to take DNA from and egg and put in into an empty sperm to fertilize another egg, is still under development, and will be really expensive whenever it goes commercial. If I wasn't told that the transgender person had had the full operation I would wonder because a lot of people change everything except the genitals because the surgery on that part is the most frightening, probably the most expensive, and the results aren't that great.

One other thought which might or might not occur to me is that some transgender people I have met have almost a religious view of femininity which can seem kind of alien or head-in-the-clouds to someone who has been a woman all her life, thinks wearing makeup is beneath her dignity and a waste of time and effort, ditto about dieting, detests the menstrual cycle part of being a woman, and in general thinks being a woman is not something dreamy.

I have earned every silver hair I have, those beautiful silver strands creating highlights that other women pay a small fortune to achieve and I don't care who knows it. I have never understood the whole embarrassed by age thing women put themselves through. My nonchalance could be due to most people I meet thinking I am younger by a decade or so than I am, I don't know. It just never has much mattered to me who knew my age. I am currently in my 50's for general reference.

Who you choose to date, and perhaps become intimate with, does not affect me. I have had friends who were gay and I have had friends who were on their path to an eventual sex change operation. I have never considered this a reason to like or dislike a person, just as I don't care about a person's race or nationality or hair color. I look at more substantial things like the character of the person. That is what matters.

A similar situation happened to one of my best friends, except in the end, he could only get as far as kissing before he realised he just couldn't bring himself to be with her, knowing she was once a him. Thing is, he's the most liberal guy I know. I remember just thinking how sad a situation it was: it's hard enough for everyday people with a common sexual preference to find someone to be with, and this girl has the extra hassle of finding someone who isn't put off by her sex change. If I saw her out with a guy, I'd be really happy for her, and I would think the guy is pretty cool for being so open-minded.

It's one of those things that sounds like a joke or a small-scale scandalous thing from the distance of not knowing the players, but I'd like to think, up close and in the know of their personalities, I'd be sympathetic to the reality of their (your) pain.

One thing my mother did so beautifully was never to trivialize how much love hurts when it doesn't work out. I'll never forget that lesson. Your circumstances were interesting but I'd imagine the pain, frustration, and loss played up and down the same spectrum as anyone else who'd had to untangle their hearts from a set of hopes.

You were in love with a person, not a set of surgically altered nethers.

I don't see anything wrong with that relationship. Love is love.

Oh, and I'm sixteen, if that helps you.

d&f.

Oh wait, you want to know how old I am? I'm 39.

Wayne K said:

Anyway, how do you look at a relationship like that? How old are you

Click to expand...

How do I look at such a relationship? The same way I look at any other. You're lucky to have found someone, at least for a time, and it's too bad it didn't work out.

Relationship-wise, I think it would be easier to accept the transgendered person as a love interest if you met them after the process was complete than if you knew them first as one thing and then another. It was hard enough to remember to call my niece Christina Christie after 20 years of calling her Tina and that was just a name change. A sex change would take a whole lot more adjusting.

I've never known any transgendered people in real life, but I've watched the shows on TV about them. I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up feeling you're in the wrong body. It takes a lot of courage to go through all they do in order to find peace and happiness in their own skin. If they find love, too, then they're truly blessed.

Oh, and I'm 47.

I love hearing these responses, and I absolutely agree and have for many years (I'm a 30something). I have had gay and dragqueen friends for decades. Yet...

There is a part of my thought process that can't quite register that transgenderism isn't odd and foreign to me. Logically and with heart, I really feel for the people. So what's up with that? Just being totally honest. My theory is that it's just a relic of not being used to it growing up; if I knew a transgendered person, I'm sure it would absolutely disappear.

Mid-forties here - no problem with the relationship, I have known transgendered individuals and the important part is the individual. I've never been involved with one but that's more because of who they were.

Is what you're saying that you met a transwoman and then were surprised, when it came to a moment of intimacy, to find that she still had some of the physical equipment of someone who was born biologically male?

I guess my take on that would be that it would be sad if she felt shame about being trans and thus created an uncomfortable moment for both of you, and kind of farcical if she thought you knew that she still had male plumbing and you didn't even know she was trans.

I know a couple of people, both men and women, whose strongest sexual preference is for pre-op and/or non-op transwomen, and I say "Let a thousand flowers bloom." (My demographics: 44, cisgendered woman {i.e., both genetically and culturally female}, bisexual, in a 10+year and counting marriage with a man, Northeastern US.)

I don't share my razor....

I'm 19 and... I'm not sure. If it was someone else, then it's their business and I don't particularly care. But I know I'd never be able to get involved romantically/sexually with a transgendered person. It's just... I don't know, maybe I'm not used to it. Those things aren't that common where I live. I wouldn't mind having a transexual for a friend, but I wouldn't date one, either. However, I wouldn't mind if a friend got into a relationship with a transexual. Their business, not mine.

If you need to know how younger people feel about it, then I might be able to help with that part. I've just turned 17.

Personally, I wouldn't care either way, I can even go as far to say I wouldn't think twice about dating a transgender if I were in love with them. However, I've been brought up in a very open-minded family.

Then, I could also go on to tell you that I know ALOT of people my age that think things like that are weird, wrong, etc. Someone I know thinks people like that should be lined up and shot <-- Very narrow minded person.

I think it's not so much of a big deal for younger people these days as more people are open-minded about it.

Hope that helped
X

I also think you might get a slightly skewed response from the people on this board. I'm not sure if we are exactly your best recourse for research. But what confuses me more, if this is a creative memoir about how your family views you, um, why aren't you asking them? It seems awfully presumptuous to attribute our opinions to other people, especially since you seem to have no idea how they felt (otherwise you wouldn't be asking us this in the first place right?). Are you just going to say, "Well since that 30 yearold on AW doesn't approve, I'll make my 30 yearold sister not approve. But the 62 yearold did, so my 62 yearold father will." I don't see the logic in that. Individuals are different based on upbringing and a host of other things. Yes we can probably safely say that the older generation would, as a sweeping generalisation, have greater issues than the younger one (considering simply because we are much better informed about such things these days, than once upon a time, education allows for greater empathy), but surely you know that already. And surely you also know that there are always exceptions to the rule. Maybe if you are writing about other people's opinions, you should, you know, ask their opinions.