Purgatory's Pit of Doom

ink wench · Mar 24, 2011

Steve, love the pitch! I really think you're going to do well with a historical fantasy set in Spain. I mean, that kicks ass. (Was that too positive? Sorry.)

Damn. Now I want to go work on the pitch for my WIP instead of writing my WIP.

soulcascade said:
IMHO QLH is great for people who don't already have writing friends to bounce their query off of. But the down side is sometimes too many people can chime in, leading one to endlessly tweak and re-tweak their query. At least, that's what happened to me when I went there. For me the opinions of 4 or 5 different people (who give good feedback) is more than enough.

This.

lkp · Mar 24, 2011

SteveCordero said:
x
15-yr-old Alejandro must best marauders, fairfolk, and monsters to steal a dragon’s treasure and rescue his sister from an evil Constable

What do you guys think so far?

I like it all, plus kellion's suggestion of time and place, except for the word Constable. Constables just don't sound scary enough.

PrincessofPersia · Mar 24, 2011

Yeah, Constable makes me think of Officer Krupke.

SteveCordero · Mar 24, 2011

Thanks, Ink.

Thanks, Lkp & Princess. What other title do your think will work?

The baddy is the Governor's right hand man that essentially runs the place. He holds the title Constable. Could I just use "official"? How about ... "corrupt official"?

So it will be:

In Medieval Spain, 15-yr-old Alejandro battles marauders, fairfolk & monsters to steal a dragon’s treasure and rescue his sister from a corrupt official

Cricket18 · Mar 24, 2011

FINALLY got a response on my query today, after weeks and weeks of silence.

A rejection, bien sur.

K. Taylor · Mar 25, 2011

If it's for Twitter, are you still with the 140 spaces used limit?

Leigh.Lyons · Mar 25, 2011

Yay, internet.

A real reply later!!

K. Taylor · Mar 25, 2011

Glad it works, Leigh.

ink wench · Mar 25, 2011

(((Cricket)))

Welcome back, Leigh!

Steve, I can see why people are saying it lacks punch, although it might be accurate. I'll give it some thought after my coffee kicks in.

kellion92 · Mar 25, 2011

Hello Leigh!

Hugs, Cricket. I'm (not) enjoying the silence now.

"Corrupt official" is better -- probably could get eviler somehow but it is twitter-length -- an admirable job.

soulcascade · Mar 25, 2011

*waves to Leigh*

Steve, I like "corrupt official" more than constable

SteveCordero · Mar 25, 2011

Morning, Pit

{{{Cricket}}}

Thanks, guys. Great input. When I start trying to piece together a query opening I'll post it here too.

Snappy · Mar 25, 2011

Hi there Leigh!

I like it, Steve. Twitter pitches are SO hard. I'm still trying to come up with one I can live with. *sigh*

kellion92 · Mar 25, 2011

And Snappy is the pitch queen!!! High compliment.

alias octavia · Mar 25, 2011

Steve, great pitch. I'm really impressed. Your WIP sounds fascinating.

Really enjoyed reading through the discussion on QLH and "neutering" a query. I agree. Did you read The Intern's latest blog post on this issue? Funny but very true.

Kellion, I like tag lines in a query. They can be gimmicky, but when they work I think they do a good job of piquing interest.

I've been considering posting my query on QLH there for this new book, just to expand the pool of input with the idea that more eyes = better query. But it might just aggravate me. I think I'm better off relying feedback from my critique group and others.

Thanks to everyone for posting their weasel words. It helps to be on the lookout for others as I go through my manuscript one last time. (I use wordle for finding overused words too, soul). I've found I'm also a "little" offender. I'm reading my manuscript aloud for this final pass. SO. PAINFUL.

E.T.A. - sorry for the R, cricket.

Snappy · Mar 25, 2011

kellion92 said:
And Snappy is the pitch queen!!! High compliment.

Too much pressure! LOL. Thanks, Kell.

Leigh.Lyons · Mar 25, 2011

SteveCordero said:
Thanks, Ink.

Thanks, Lkp & Princess. What other title do your think will work?

The baddy is the Governor's right hand man that essentially runs the place. He holds the title Constable. Could I just use "official"? How about ... "corrupt official"?

So it will be:

In Medieval Spain, 15-yr-old Alejandro battles marauders, fairfolk & monsters to steal a dragon’s treasure and rescue his sister from a corrupt official

I like it, Steve. My only thought is that is lacks movement.... if that makes sense.........

Leigh.Lyons · Mar 25, 2011

alias octavia said:
Steve, great pitch. I'm really impressed. Your WIP sounds fascinating.

Really enjoyed reading through the discussion on QLH and "neutering" a query. I agree. Did you read The Intern's latest blog post on this issue? Funny but very true.

Kellion, I like tag lines in a query. They can be gimmicky, but when they work I think they do a good job of piquing interest.

I've been considering posting my query on QLH there for this new book, just to expand the pool of input with the idea that more eyes = better query. But it might just aggravate me. I think I'm better off relying feedback from my critique group and others.

Thanks to everyone for posting their weasel words. It helps to be on the lookout for others as I go through my manuscript one last time. (I use wordle for finding overused words too, soul). I've found I'm also a "little" offender. I'm reading my manuscript aloud for this final pass. SO. PAINFUL.

E.T.A. - sorry for the R, cricket.

I sort of hate QH for a couple of reasons.

1- no one can agree on why my query sucks.

Person 1 will say "You have purple giraffes in your book/query? They are SOOOO 3 years ago! take them out!"

Then person 2 will say "purple giraffes are so hot right now! But blue dogs, yeah they don't work."

And person 3 will say "personally I hate purple giraffes but the blue dogs add a lot to your query! You should totally keep them!"
:Headbang:

2- I will get a choir of "this sucks" I'll ask can you explain why and usually that's met with a no or silence. :rant:

I don't know if you've had better luck than me, but I hope so.
/rant

Leigh.Lyons · Mar 25, 2011

Cricket18 said:
FINALLY got a response on my query today, after weeks and weeks of silence.

A rejection, bien sur.

Sorry to hear that!!

soulcascade · Mar 25, 2011

Octavia I think you're better off with your crit partners etc. I just think if you take their feedback and go to QLH it will be too many fingers in the pie. Just my 1 cent

2- I will get a choir of "this sucks" I'll ask can you explain why and usually that's met with a no or silence. Leigh you crack me up!!Leigh-Hey guys! Can you tell me why this sucks?
QLH-NO! Figure it out your damn self!

soulcascade · Mar 25, 2011

Jim McCarthy wrote an interesting article on why he's rejected projects

http://dglm.blogspot.com/2009/03/jim-mccarthy-thinks-about-what-he-has.html

Red-Green · Mar 25, 2011

I'm sorry, I can't hear myself think over how loudly your query sucks. You'll just have to figure it out on your own.

Amarie · Mar 25, 2011

Hi guys, I lurk here on a ledge once in awhile (don't ask). Anyway, I was intrigued by the challenge of Steve's 140 character pitch. Steve, I don't think you are going to be able to make the bad guy sound bad enough in such a short space, so I'd concentrate more on giving the pitch some color and playing up the alternate history medieval Spain. These both might be too odd, and not everyone may get the 'there be monsters' reference, but here's a couple:

In a Medieval Spain where there be monsters and fairfolk, 15-year-old Alejandro must steal a dragon’s treasure to save his sister’s life.

In a Medieval Spain where monsters and fairfolk abide, 15-year-old Alejandro must steal a dragon’s treasure to save his sister’s life.

In a Medieval Spain alive with monsters and fairfolk, 15-year-old Alejandro must steal a dragon’s treasure to save his sister’s life.

The only worrisome part is how to take 'steal a dragon's treasure' out of the ordinary. Is there an adjective that you could put in front of the dragon to describe it a bit more?

soulcascade · Mar 25, 2011

HA Octavia, just read that article. Priceless. Reminds me so much of the time I suffered through QLH. I finally had to realize that I would never write a query or book or ANYTHING for that matter that would please everyone.

kellion92 · Mar 25, 2011

How about "dragon's horde"? It's shorter!

Fun pitches, Amarie. Now get off that ledge and join us in the nice safe Pit, where there's nowhere to fall.

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