Good reasons to have children?

So I guess my question is, do you feel like these are sufficient reasons to have children? Or should I wait until I really feel like I NEED to have a baby? I've known so many women who just NEEDED to have a baby, that not feeling like that makes me doubt myself.

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they're your reasons, you dont have to justify them to anyone. if you're feel like you're ready, that should be good enough.

Send it back for a refund.

signed,

scarletpeaches, glad she knows she never wants kids.

This might sound blunt, but here goes: Would you really have children just to please someone else? A baby isn't a toy. It's a person. They don't stay babies, and you can't just put them away and bring them out to show Grandma when she visits. They need love all the time, even (especially) when they're acting unloveable.

For my wife and me, having children was something we both wanted to do... at some point, but not right away. It is a big responsibility, and we wanted those children to *know* they were wanted - not just that we had them because we were supposed to.

The day came when we knew the time was right. I don't know that we were 'ready' - I don't know if that feeling ever comes - but it was right, and it was obvious. Doing it by cost/benefit analysis wouldn't have worked for us; to us, it isn't a rational thing. It's what we know deep down is right.

And it sounds like you don't have to decide today anyway -- you still have time.

Good luck to you and your partner, Jo.

A baby isn't a toy. It's a person.

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more like a pet.

The only good reason for having a baby is because you want one, not because you need one. It seems to me like you have some good reasons for wanting a child and that you are looking forward to nurturing and teaching that child.

I've known several women in my lifetime who get all googly-eyed over infants and absolutely sucked at being a mother. They really should have stuck to slobbering all over other people's infants and not had any of their own. So, don't use that kind of behavior as a criteria for whether you should have children or not.

I was scared of giving birth. I was a tomboy as a kid. I had more fun playing with Matchbox Cars and always turned my nose up at dolls. I also waited until we had a home and could afford for me to stay home. I was 31 when I had my first child. You have time... don't rush it. The main reason my husband and I wanted to have children was because we wanted to share our lives with our children. Pure and simple.

Children shouldn't be created to fill a void or help a marriage... a child doesn't need a job before they are born. Your parents and grandparents are not the ones raising your child. Bring a child into this world because YOU want to have a child in your life.

Bravo said:

more like a pet.

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Kind of funny, kind of not.

This pet will depend on you completely for a very long time, even when it discovers its independence. It will grow up to win arguments with you, be better than you at many things, and potentially kick your ass.

But for a while, it will look at you and see someone who is the best in the world - knows everything, can do everything. And it can make you feel a love that nothing else can.

And poet hit the nail on the head about having children because you want them, not because people expect you to have them. My mother doesn't like children. They make her nervous. I asked her one day why, if she doesn't like children, did she have FOUR of them? Her response was "Because that is what you were supposed to do, get married, have four or five kids." And no, my mother will not be winning any mother of the year awards in this lifetime or the next one either. She doesn't slobber all over other people's children either, so at least she is consistent.

poetinahat said:

...And it can make you feel a love that nothing else can.

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See, this attitude I really object to. (With respect, of course, as you're one of the few people on God's green earth I'll publicly admit to having some degree of affection for).

It insults all those loving couples, families, friends, any other sort of relationship to say nothing else can make you feel the kind of love having a child can.

In my case, I don't want kids. I've dabbled with the idea in the past to keep men happy but always had that nagging feeling, "Get out now. You're lying to yourself." I've never had that desire. I don't hate kids, don't despise them, don't want to kill them all - just don't want my own.

So for me, nothing is missing in my lack of children. I don't care that I don't have children and (hopefully) never will. Many, many people have said to me "You'll change your mind when you meet the right man," but the right man for me doesn't want children either. (To say nothing of, "You'll change your mind when you have your own." Uh...bit late to change your mind then, huh)?

And the fact I don't feel no kids = something missing/lack of a love which transcends all others means that for me, the love of a child is not all that special, not great, not something I want. It's not the best thing I could ever feel, and so I choose not to go there.

However, I could have misread your tone. And, given this is a thread for people who have/want children and I clearly don't, I should probably exit the discussion.

After, of course, adding that I hope I have caused no offence. The above is merely my - what? - lifestyle choice, perhaps you could say. And it is a choice, so...anyway.

Over and out.

I know I said I'd exit, but...I had to say it sounds like the desire is there for you. If not fully formed, then at least beginning.

JoNightshade said:

So I guess my question is, do you feel like these are sufficient reasons to have children? Or should I wait until I really feel like I NEED to have a baby? I've known so many women who just NEEDED to have a baby, that not feeling like that makes me doubt myself.

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My opinion may not be popular, but bear with me:

I don't believe ANYONE should have children if they aren't sure if they should/want to. There are people out there who do regret it -- even though it isn't PC to say so out loud -- and it's hardly something you can get out of once you're in it. The whole "it's different when they're yours" thing, or "once you have them you'll 'get it'" is too much of a gamble for me...what if it ISN'T different? What if I DON'T get it? What if I'm MISERABLE as a mother?

For me, it's better to risk that I will one day regret NOT having children than to regret having them. I did want kids at one point...tried for quite a while, actually. Then one day realized that it wasn't a baby I wanted, it was a means to an end: I wanted to have a baby because that meant I wasn't struggling to have a baby anymore. The baby itself? Not so much. So we stopped trying, and are happily childfree by choice now.

Children are far too much of a commitment, responsibility, etc., to have "just because". As far as your other points:

Your parents as grandparents: Having a child affects your life (and the child's life) far more than NOT having grandchildren affects your parents' lives. If you want to have children, great, more power to you...but remember that they are your children, first and foremost...not your parents' grandchildren.

You have time for kids, are working from home, etc: Are you happy with the way things are right now? Why change it? Will you be able to maintain that lifestyle once you have the added expense/responsibility of kids?

You say you feel like something is missing during the holidays, etc. What about starting some of your own traditions? Adding something new to how you celebrate? My husband and I have modified some family traditions and created a few of our own, and it's brought some life back into some of the holidays (not Christmas, so much, but Christmas has lost a lot of its spark for other reasons for me)

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying "don't have children". I'm saying "don't have children for any reason other than 'I want children'."

Good luck to you, whichever road you decide to take.

It is a different kind of love than any you will ever experience. But with that love comes an insane amount of responsibility and vulnerability.

Since I was one of the first of my girlfriends to have kids (And I was 27, almost 28), they would ask what it was like... here's what I would tell them.
"Having kids takes away 100% of the life you led before you had them, BUT... it gives back 105% of a new life that's even better."

It's a ton of sacrifice, and most will tell you they had no idea of the amount of sacrifice until after they had them, but most will also tell you it's worth it.

scarletpeaches said:

And the fact I don't feel no kids = something missing/lack of a love which transcends all others means that for me, the love of a child is not all that special, not great, not something I want. It's not the best thing I could ever feel, and so I choose not to go there.

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I agree with this, and the rest of your post.

I've heard it said (not by you, poet, just in general) that you don't know what love is until you have a child. I don't think that's true at all. I have a husband, family, friends...to say that I don't know what love really is sounds absurd to me.

It could easily be said that you don't know resentment until you have children. There are some parents out there (NOT all, not most, just some) who resent their children, and the only resentment I've ever seen that can be stronger than that of a parent to his child, is that of the child to his parent.

Easy, tiger. I didn't say better; I just said different. There is nothing quite the same as the love between parents and children.

You know I return the affection, and a disagreement - even public - doesn't diminish that. Having said as much: If you want to be insulted, that's your choice. I see absolutely nothing insulting in what I said, and I'm surprised that it's been seen as insulting.

Where did I say that everyone should want kids? Nowhere. For people who don't want children, I completely applaud and support the decision not to.

Children are not a mandatory requirement for a full life, and I never suggested as much.

What I did say is that, when the time is right, one knows. If the time is never right, then that feeling never comes, and that's fair enough.

If I were to object to anything here, it would be the characterisation of children as 'pets'. There, if anywhere, is where things go wrong.

scarletpeaches said:

See, this attitude I really object to. (With respect, of course, as you're one of the few people on God's green earth I'll publicly admit to having some degree of affection for).

It insults all those loving couples, families, friends, any other sort of relationship to say nothing else can make you feel the kind of love having a child can.

In my case, I don't want kids. I've dabbled with the idea in the past to keep men happy but always had that nagging feeling, "Get out now. You're lying to yourself." I've never had that desire. I don't hate kids, don't despise them, don't want to kill them all - just don't want my own.

So for me, nothing is missing in my lack of children. I don't care that I don't have children and (hopefully) never will. Many, many people have said to me "You'll change your mind when you meet the right man," but the right man for me doesn't want children either. (To say nothing of, "You'll change your mind when you have your own." Uh...bit late to change your mind then, huh)?

And the fact I don't feel no kids = something missing/lack of a love which transcends all others means that for me, the love of a child is not all that special, not great, not something I want. It's not the best thing I could ever feel, and so I choose not to go there.

However, I could have misread your tone. And, given this is a thread for people who have/want children and I clearly don't, I should probably exit the discussion.

After, of course, adding that I hope I have caused no offence. The above is merely my - what? - lifestyle choice, perhaps you could say. And it is a choice, so...anyway.

Over and out.

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poetinahat said:

Easy, tiger. I didn't say better; I just said different. There is nothing quite the same as the love between parents and children.

If you want to be insulted, that's your choice. I see absolutely nothing insulting in what I said, and I'm surprised that it's been seen as insulting.

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You have to understand where scarlet and I are both coming from on this one: It's not necessarily your post, per se...we both catch a lot of hell from the population at large about our decisions to be childfree. We've both been outright told that "you don't know love", "you don't understand love", etc., many times by people who simply can't get their heads around the fact that someone could possibly not want children. So, it's easy to get defensive when that idea comes up, even if it wasn't meant to be insulting.

but it is a different kind of love...

i dunno whatever.

ill let the folks who have (known) kids deal with this.

i definitely stumbled into the wrong thread here.

poetinahat said:

Easy, tiger.

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ROWR!

poetinahat said:

I didn't say better; I just said different. There is nothing quite the same as the love between parents and children.

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I kinda thought that was what you meant. Perhaps I wasn't reacting to your post so much as the entire body-of-work that's been levelled at me, as Lori said in the post after yours.

poetinahat said:

You know I return the affection, and a disagreement - even public - doesn't diminish that. Having said as much: If you want to be insulted, that's your choice. I see absolutely nothing insulting in what I said, and I'm surprised that it's been seen as insulting.

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Just to clarify - I suspected you meant that love of children was not better, rather, different, so I wasn't insulted, merely touching on the attitude of people who do say the love of children is better. Perhaps I could have done better myself in making that clear.

poetinahat said:

Where did I say that everyone should want kids? Nowhere.

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Exactly. You didn't.

poetinahat said:

If I were to object to anything here, it would be the characterisation of children as 'pets'. There, if anywhere, is where things go wrong.

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And sadly, some people do have children for that reason. It's one we both object to, and so we do still have common ground.