Things I learned from Horror Movies

As soon as some secondary character solves the puzzle of who the deranged killer is, he's toast. Find out what he knows before you let him go wandering off alone.

If there are any sort of mass-murdering, slasher shenanigans going on in my neighborhood, it's worthless to alert the police because they're patently inept at handling that sort of thing.

If you're in an isolated camp site with a bunch of other young, nubile folks, don't have sex.

Avoid showers, too.

Don't get too attached to your circle of friends, because most of them will die soon.

If you hear a news report of a killer who has recently broken out of a mental facility, don't barricade yourself in your house, or (worse yet) go about your life like normal. Pack up and leave town. Immediately.

If you insist on driving through Texas, take the Interstate. Avoid back roads at all costs.

If you find a little girl's body in the bottom of an old well - leave her there

Under no circumstances should you turn on any lights at night.

Make it a point to invest in charming old Cape Cod houses built on Indian burial grounds.

If you show your breasts. You will surely be the first or second one killed. Also most of them are very poorly written.

If a psycho is chasing you through the woods, don't run. You're just going to fall down and hurt yourself.

For god's sake, don't run up the stairs or lock yourself in a bathroom with no windows.

Just never...ever.....

Wear lots of make up to bed.
Wear high heels when running.
Park car on dark side street in bad part of town.
Ignore barking dogs in the neighborhood.
Pick up a stranger on the outskirts of town.
It's just a tree limb scratchin the window and a unclosed door caught in a breeze creaking shut.
Lay on the grass in a park and make out late at night.
OR lay on the beach late at night and make out.
Go splunking with out a cell phone/ map/ or a real guide.

That noise you heard was probably legitimate. Don't ignore it. And don't go look for the source of it.

If someone randomly appears in the middle of the road in the middle of the night, don't swerve to avoid them. Run over their ignorant asses. If they pass through the car, even better. Just keep driving.

Don't. Answer. The. Phone.

If you do get a hold of the weapon use it, don't squeak, look agast and drop it. Use it on the baddy until he's the consistancy of pureed dog food. :}

Don't assume the evil killer is dead until you've chopped off his head/shot him in the head/otherwise severed all connection to the brain. Otherwise, he's just gonna come back for one last scare. And maybe kill one more person.

All of those spooky legends you've heard about: they're all true. They'll especially come through with a vengeance if you brazenly disrespect the legend and go about the ritual of bringing the legend to life for the express purpose of showing that it isn't true.

The person behind the mask who you think is just your friend playing a joke on you is not in fact just your friend playing a joke on you. Run away!

Unless it's a regular dude. Then punch him in his damn mouth. He's just a regular dude!

Oh, and take your vehicle in for regular maintenance. Otherwise, your car's starter will, naturally enough, fail at a critical moment.

To add to OFG's...if the phone dies, get the heck outta there.

If the biggest nerd in the school gets elected Prom Queen -- RUN!

Modern technology (ie, cell phones, video tapes) will try to kill you if possessed by the evil spirit of a petulant child.

If you're part of a crackerjack investigative team, don't let the dog eat all the scooby snacks until you've solved the mystery.

Never ever wear heels in a cemetery and always make sure your car battery is in good working order before any big event, i.e. prom, wedding to man who's fiance mysteriously disappeared the year before, satanic ritual, anything involving Rush Limbaugh.

Ruv's Horror Safety Advice for Women

Don't take showers or baths more than you must. If you can get by with a pit and crotch wash, go with that. Consider using an alcohol-based wash that evaporates rather than pouring water over bare skin.

Never touch your own breasts. If you must touch them while you bathe, use barbecue tongs rather than a soapy sponge.

Bathe in cold water whenever possible. It will avoid steaming the shower-curtain - a known attractor of violent sex offenders.

For the same reason, invest in heated mirrors so they don't steam up.

Before you open a bathroom medicine cabinet, cover the mirror first or break it if you must. Otherwise, when you close it, someone will be behind you.

Don't talk to yourself in the mirror - ever. Especially, avoid murmuring nonsense words like 'Candyman' or 'Bloody Mary' - no matter how much you may feel like saying these things.

Once you've bathed, wrap your hair in a towel, no matter how short it is -- and if you hear a disturbance keep the towel on your head. Nobody ever attacks a woman until they can see her hair.

Never leave the bedroom door open while you are dressing. If it keeps blowing open, nail it shut.

When you must dress or undress, do so under a horse-blanket and even then, avoid bending over.

At night stay out of the garage, the basement, the attic or indeed anywhere but your well-lit kitchen.

That said, put tamper alarms on any large cutlery you have in your well-lit kitchen; otherwise knives will go missing when you turn your back.

Ditch your cat and get a dog. Dogs never mewl horrendously, knock anything over and never give home invasion false alarms.

Invest in an athsma puffer - no matter how good your respiration is normally, you will hyperventilate in moments of stress.

Invest in sweatpants and singlets - your home survival rate increases enormously - especially if you are also handy with a chainsaw or automatic weaponry.

Wear no makeup. The more makeup you wear, the more likely you are to find yourself in a negligee on an altar later on.

Have at least one child - or if you can't, adopt one. Your survival rate increases if you have at least one child.

Get rid of any excess children you may have past the first. Multiple children are more likely to survive you than an only child.

Avoid sex, but if you must have sex then avoid orgasms. You are far more vulnerable post-coitally than at any other time. If you must have sex, try it behind a pot-plant in a well-lit bank at midday-- and stuff a hanky in your mouth, just in case.

Never have a relationship with a robotics engineer or anyone who works in a technology company. He will want to replace you with an automated model.

Avoid dating anyone in chemical companies or the defence forces. They have a much higher likelihood of bringing zombies into your home.

Avoid bad boys with thick eyebrows that slant up - they're almost certainly diabolists.

Avoid writers, artists and actors - they're prone to insanity and satanists can seduce them in the blink of an eye.

Avoid ouija boards, seances, slumber parties, costume parties, trick or treat, proms, drugs, booze, skinnydipping, making out in a car -- and anything else that looks too much like fun.