- Joined
- Feb 13, 2005
- Messages
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I received the following from a friend in British Columbia this morning. I think the piece was written by John Cleese. Aforementioned friend thought it was funny as hell. I politely agreed, then invited him to kiss my crumpets.
--------------------------------------------------------
Some English humour
** Important, please read thoroughly! **
To the citizens of the United
States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in
recent years to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister will appoint a Governor of America eliminating
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium,
and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour",
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn
to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary").
------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no
such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the
reinstated letter "u" and the elimination
of -ize.
------------------
4. You will learn to resolve
personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not quite ready
to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
--------------------
7. The Former USA will adopt UK
prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to
it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable
as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching
Gywneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare in Love was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with
a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop
playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of
you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed
JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent
(i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins
promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Go ahead and share this with
your friends in the USA (those with a good sense
of humour.)
--------------------------------------------------------
Some English humour
** Important, please read thoroughly! **
To the citizens of the United
States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in
recent years to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister will appoint a Governor of America eliminating
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium,
and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour",
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn
to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary").
------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no
such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the
reinstated letter "u" and the elimination
of -ize.
------------------
4. You will learn to resolve
personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not quite ready
to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
--------------------
7. The Former USA will adopt UK
prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to
it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable
as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching
Gywneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare in Love was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with
a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop
playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of
you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed
JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent
(i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins
promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Go ahead and share this with
your friends in the USA (those with a good sense
of humour.)
