Obituaries and Funeral Programs

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Cassiopeia

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Does anyone have any experience in writing an obituary and/or planning a funeral program?

I'm not sure how to go about re-writing my mother's obituary. She's leaving us soon. The family has reviewed the one she wrote and it has everything she wants to be in it but it's not really the way it's supposed to be. At least that's what they tell me.

I also don't know how to make up the program for her funeral and no one else really does either.

If anyone can help me with this, I'd be ever so grateful.
 

Williebee

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Cass -- Let me start at the top.

My sympathy's on your family's loss. I hope that everyone in the family is taking the opportunity to mend some fences and share some caring and affection.

As for the obituary? Did she write it? Then, with the possible exception of correcting the spelling, leave it alone.

Screw what somebody else thinks is a proper format. They are her words.

The funeral home is placing it in the paper, probably as a paid insert. (The cost of which is usually part of the burial package.) It can say whatever you want it to.

The very best obituary I've ever seen was written by my next door neighbor about a year ago, shortly after she found out she had brain cancer. It was written by her, in first person. It was a powerful and lasting goodbye to her family and community, in her own words.

That said, I've done a few of these. If you want some help with the program, PM me and tell me what word processing program you use. I'd be happy to send you an example.
 

Devil Ledbetter

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Cass,

I was asked to write the obit when my cousin died last December. I sat down with his sister and went over all the family and friends to be mentioned, his education and accomplishments, and what was important to him. I looked over the formats of several obits and chose one that seemed appropriate to the circumstance - the unexpected death of a man with a young family. From purely a writing standpoint, it was not difficult, but I did find it emotionally draining.

I agree with Williebee that you don't have to follow an exact format, especially if what your mom wrote was just how she wanted it to read. If not, it should still be a relatively simple matter to format what she's written into a proper obit. Just read the obit section of the newspaper and crib the formatting, but of course use your superior writing style.

I've not written a funeral program, although I did write my grandmother's eulogy. The grief and the time pressure, plus the pressure of family looking to you to "get it right" is what makes these things daunting to write.

Don't hesitate to ask for the help of someone less emotionally involved.

Hugs,

DL
 

Cassiopeia

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Thanks for your support you two. For me, I am the most likely to be able to do it as I am able to distance myself. When I say rewrite, it just needs to be condensed. And the family would like to really show all that she did so I believe they want more of an addendum if that makes sense.
 

Southern_girl29

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I work at a newspaper. I wrote my granny's last December. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to write, but I knew I had to do it. I couldn't let anyone else. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.

Our paper has two different kinds of obits, paid and non-paid. In the paid, the family can say whatever they want. It does not matter. I'm sure most newspapers are this way. I would leave it as is, especially if your paper does have a paid obit. I don't really know what to tell you about the program. The funeral home let us pick out a poem and a Biblical quote, and we picked her favorite. We didn't have to write anything.
 

dadburnett

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I’ve “written” and done several memorial services, including writing a few eulogies. I’ve not done an obit and my sense of it is what I see in the newspapers. They range far and wide, from (for example) an obit I found of a great-grandfather of mine that was pretty much name, birth and death dates to a full column “story” for his wife’s obit a few years later. Her’s talked of her life and accomplishments, her family, the organizations she belonged to and … There are no rules that I can find and I think that the fewer rules, the better. In general it should be something that has meaning for the family left behind and what is relevant to the community, assuming a significant community presence.
As far as eulogy and service is concerned, there are two major considerations, the beliefs and wishes of the deceased and the beliefs and the needs of those loved ones who will attend the service. The reality the stuff of the service is that which best serves those in attendance, it’s about their needs during this time of grief and loss. Respect for them, I feel, is paramount.
I participate usually as a minister and the thing I dislike most about many religious funeral/memorial services is using it as an opportunity to preach, to sell a perspective of life and death that did not necessarily represent the beliefs and knowing of the deceased and that of those in attendance. So, for me, it’s all about knowing something of the person, of the family and of those likely to attend. Then, honoring them with compassion and understanding in their time of grief with a picture of the deceased that is respectful without painting an imaginary picture of who and what the person was. Honor, respect, compassion and honesty are appropriate guidelines …
 

JeanneTGC

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I was lucky when my grandmother died, in that while going through her things I found a poem she'd clipped out and saved, clearly with her death in mind. I asked my friend to use that as the basis of his sermon, and so it was very personal and very moving.

Really, like everyone else has said, make it what works for YOUR family. It's no one's business but yours -- represent your mother as she would want and in a way that reflects the family's needs.

And, many, MANY {HUGS}. This has to be a hard time for you, but I know how strong you are and I know you'll carry everyone else. Remember we're here for you when YOU need carrying.
 

Cassiopeia

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I'm home from South Dakota now. She's going to be leaving us soon. I reread her obituary and realized what it is that needs a bit of help. She wrote this while under heavy meds but I know what she wants in there so I will write it for her.

Some of you know, this is a challenge for me. We've had a lot of difficulties, my mom and I. At least it is one kindness I can do that will help me to remember the good in her and help my StepDad and sisters to not have so much weighing on them.

*hugs* to all. Thank you for the great input and help.

Jeanne, yes. I am strong. Which makes it all the more right for me to be doing this for the family. I had to come back to work for tomorrow but I made sure my Dad has the help he needs.

Love to all.
 

dadburnett

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My prayers and uplifting thoughts are with you at this difficult time. As you seem to be saying, this is also a time of healing and I see you and all concerned being blessed by what you are doing.
 
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