Alpha Nails: nail polish for REAL men

missesdash · Jan 17, 2013

I was positive this site was some sort of joke, but apparently it's real. I should start by saying I don't have a problem with men in nail polish. I actually think it's hot with certain looks.

But the idea that someone would make "nail polish for men" as if, ya know, regular ail polish is "too girly" is super laughable. And then to throw out this marketing campaign with pictures of boxers, sports fans and dudes with guns (war pain on your nails), christ.

Actually reminds me of this quote:

What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear - menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event:

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

The US Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("You have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("Can women be aggresive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("Without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("You must give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy (" Man, you are lookin' good") by giving fives and saying, "Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"

What would happen if men painted their nails? From the site:

Designed specifically for men, Alpha Nail is technologically and biologically superior to anything on the market. Formulated with both Citral and Ginseng to strengthen and invigorate the nails down to the beds, our formula keeps nails harder and healthier. Ask Roger Huerta. He has put AlphaNail to the test for hundreds of battles in the toughest weeks of training camp.

For those of you with a flair for style, our colors are so sick Dr. House can’t fix them. The revolutionary matte collection provides an uber-masculine and fashion forward satin finish, and our metallics shine like candy paint in the summer time. What’s more, our unique click pen applicator does away with those dainty little brushes and girly nail polish containers. Just click, paint, put the cap on, and its ready to go for another round.

Finally our clean slate remover wipes eliminate the need to ever buy a fluffy sack of cotton balls. One wipe will take care of an entire hand, and when you are done, just toss it.

And of course a link: http://www.alphanail.com/

I'm still on the fence about mantyhose.

kuwisdelu · Jan 17, 2013

Well then.

Corussa · Jan 17, 2013

This put me in mind of Joey in Friends, advertising lipstick for men.

Ichiban!

:banana:

Ambrosia · Jan 17, 2013

They may have something. Nail polish without a brush sounds great. And I hate cotton balls.

Chrissy · Jan 17, 2013

So... menstration would be manly on a man. That's actually fascinating.

So... why have men historically dominated women?

Is it just physical strength/bigger-ness?

Or was it a random 50/50 thing and men won the luck of the draw?

I'm terribly lacking in this type of education. I blame the Republicans.

ETA: But seriously, I always thought it had something to do with the carrying-babies/taking-care-of-babies thing. Being "tied down" so to speak, with menstration, pregnancy, breast-feeding, etc.

Ambrosia · Jan 17, 2013

Chrissy said:
So... menstration would be manly on a man. That's actually fascinating.

So... why have men historically dominated women?

Is it just physical strength/bigger-ness?

Or was it a random 50/50 thing and men won the luck of the draw?

I'm terribly lacking in this type of education. I blame the Republicans.

So does everyone else.

I was fascinated by the whole manly menstruation thing, too. Wonderful quote, Missesdash. Sounds totally likely.

thebloodfiend · Jan 17, 2013

This thread amuses me.

MENstruation might've just made my day.

Shadow Dragon · Jan 17, 2013

Heh, this reminds of Chuck Liddell. He was the light-heavyweight champion in UFC. The man had a chin of granite and for a few years completely dominated anyone that stepped into the ring with him. Aside from kicking ass, he also liked to paint his fingernails purple. If regular girly nail polish is good enough for him, I think it's good enough for most guys.

missesdash · Jan 17, 2013

Shadow Dragon said:
Heh, this reminds of Chuck Liddell. He was the light-heavyweight champion in UFC. The man had a chin of granite and for a few years completely dominated anyone that stepped into the ring with him. Aside from kicking ass, he also liked to paint his fingernails purple. If regular girly nail polish is good enough for him, I think it's good enough for most guys.

I learned the alpha nail site, too.

What do Roger Huerta, Chuck Liddell, Chris Leben and Dave Navarro have in common? They are all alpha males and they all adorn their nails with war paint. Why? Why not! For the fighter or the guitar picker, any normal nail polish will add natural strength to the nail and prevent chipping and cracking. But it is more than that. It is a statement... a proclamation of the inner attitude of the alpha. It is about having the confidence that says ‘I am my own man, and will decide the rules for how I live my life according to how I see fit.

"Adorn their nails with war paint."

Chrissy · Jan 17, 2013

Nailpolish deprives oxygen to the nails IME, thus turning them yellow.

That said, it's hawt (male or female) on a temporary basis. I have especially always liked black.

Bookewyrme · Jan 17, 2013

...well ok then. That's...an interesting site.
I notice, despite how "manly" they are, they still have those dreaded "girly" colors, pink and purple (light pink, or dark purple, interestingly). And I must say, if I could afford it, I might order some for myself, because those applicators are seriously intriguing for someone who has never been very good with nail-polish!

As for "mantyhose" it's a stupid name, but I'm thoroughly behind the concept. I mean, there was a time in the not-too-distant-past (relatively) where men routinely wore hose or stockings under their breeches! And I, for one, would welcome a return to Renaissance/enlightenment era fashion for men! I mean, it's kind of dreamy.

thebloodfiend · Jan 17, 2013

Chrissy said:
That said, it's hawt (male or female) on a temporary basis. I have especially always liked black.

Same here. And navy blue. And those crackle things. I just never have the patience to apply it nicely. And when it peels off, I just say fuck it and don't fix it.

I'd be all over a guy who wore nail polish. Sadly, most of them around here who wear it are gay.

BenPanced · Jan 17, 2013

Ambrosia said:
They may have something. Nail polish without a brush sounds great. And I hate cotton balls.

I think Avon, Revlon, and other cosmetics companies have tried the pen concept over the years because the design looks really familiar.

That said, I think MAC has tried to market colors specifically for men (basically took several of the darker shades and gave them more "manly" names). Like this company did by changing the name of something like Cotton Candy or Baby Pink to COCAINE. (Gasoline? Srsly? Reminds me of this comic strip that parodied catalogs and used color names like Tripe and Maraca.)

For those of you with a flair for style, our colors are so sick Dr. House can’t fix them.

Chrissy · Jan 17, 2013

thebloodfiend said:
Same here. And navy blue....

Oh hell yeah.

That's it. I'm going for a mani/pedi with navy blue all the way.

Also, I love, love, love short nails (on women, I mean). They are so adorable. Not those claw-like/acrylic thingys. No offense intended to you crazy scratchy girls (but seriously, how do you type???

)

kuwisdelu · Jan 17, 2013

Chrissy said:
Oh hell yeah.

That's it. I'm going for a mani/pedi with navy blue all the way.

Also, I love, love, love short nails (on women, I mean). None of those claw-like/acrylic thingys. No offense intended to you crazy scratchy girls (but seriously, how do you type??? )

Forget typing, how do you masturbate?

Kylabelle · Jan 17, 2013

*snork*

Chrissy · Jan 17, 2013

*sigh*

mirandashell · Jan 18, 2013

Misses - have to admit I eye-rolled so much I now have a headache. Amazing how much spin an ad agency are willing to use to sell something. Hundreds of years of gender stereotype twisted backwards in one advert. Or not.

Actually, in some ways, it's quite clever. It's 'moisturiser for men' all over again.

regdog · Jan 18, 2013

I always thought The Undertaker in the WWE was damn fine and he wore eyeliner.

Alpha Echo · Jan 18, 2013

Am I the only chick who wouldn't find nail polish sexy on a guy? Sorry...I just don't. Not for me. I don't care if you wanna do it. Go for it. With the power of the alpha. But it's not a turn-on for me.

The MENstruation article was fantastic and probably spot-on, sadly enough. That made me laugh though. Good way to start the morning.

As for my own nails, they grow fast, and I'm constantly cutting them down because, as Chrissy mentioned, typing is kinda impossible once they hit a certain length. I rarely paint them because then they just chip, and I get annoyed. And start picking rather than fixing.

I have taken DD for mani/pedis before. Those are fun. And I get the type of polish that doesn't chip, so it lasts a few weeks.

I LOVE pedis...just don't care much about the polish. I just think the massaging and hot water and stuff all feels so good.

merry_and_silver · Jan 18, 2013

I used to buy lots of nail polish out of the dollar bin...

...because it made awesome, waterproof finish with which to touch up fishing lures.

I think the MENstruation comparison is a little exaggerated. I don't remember bragging, or parades, or religious rituals, or acts of Congress, etc. at puberty. A lot of men are as awkward at that age as anybody else. I don't remember much of that stuff as an adult either. Must be the crowd I hang out with.

I've been convinced for years that Alex Rodriguez, the baseball star, wears lipstick during games. Googling "Alex Rodriguez Lipstick" reveals that other people have the same idea. I mentioned this to other men a couple of times during games, and they were like, "No! No! That's just the way his lips are!" It was a definite "Don't go there" reaction.

PorterStarrByrd · Jan 18, 2013

I remember the big deal it was when Joe Pepitone, of the Yankees, used a hair dryer in the locker room.

I still don't use one.
Neither do I drill holes in my body to facilitate jewelry
Neither to I paint my body with tatoos

This stuff all has a hell of a lot more to do with marketing than it does with presence or absence of manliness or masculinity. And .. I live far enough out in the woods that I only have to deal with deer and the moose, not dear and mousse.

When in town, I'd rather think I impress people with what I do or have done than how I look. I just kind of keep it possible for them to get within a few feet of me without wretching.

Rhoda Nightingale · Jan 18, 2013

BenPanced said:
Like this company did by changing the name of something like Cotton Candy or Baby Pink to COCAINE. (Gasoline? Srsly? Reminds me of this comic strip that parodied catalogs and used color names like Tripe and Maraca.)

Well in fairness, I always buy my nail polish based on the name. The color is secondary. A couple of my favorites are "Buffy the Violet Slayer" (purple, obviously) "I'm Not Really A Waitress" (really really DARK pink) and "Zeitgeist" (which is iridescent and changes from silver to green to purple to black depending on the light).

This madness is . . . too silly for me to be offended by. It's making me laugh. I hope they enjoy their manly "war paint" nails, even though I guarantee NO one that sees them wearing it will call it anything other than "nail polish."

Vince524 · Jan 18, 2013

I keep hearing Edith Bunker in my head, "If women go through menapause, do you think men go through womenapause."

Or something like that.

J.W. Alden · Jan 18, 2013

missesdash said:
I learned the alpha nail site, too.

What do Roger Huerta, Chuck Liddell, Chris Leben and Dave Navarro have in common? They are all alpha males and they all adorn their nails with war paint. Why? Why not! For the fighter or the guitar picker, any normal nail polish will add natural strength to the nail and prevent chipping and cracking. But it is more than that. It is a statement... a proclamation of the inner attitude of the alpha. It is about having the confidence that says ‘I am my own man, and will decide the rules for how I live my life according to how I see fit.

Click to expand...

"Adorn their nails with war paint."

There's actually been a semi-widely practiced tradition of nail polish in combat sports for a very long time. The idea being that if you're competing in a sport with bare feet or open-fingered gloves, the last thing you want is a painfully broken nail distracting you, so they paint up the nails to strengthen them, I guess. In fact, I'd suspect there are a lot more fighters who do this than anyone notices, because most of the ones I've known that do it use "invisible" polish. It's usually only the punkish ones that don't mind using colored polish (though if I recall, Chuck Liddell started doing his toes after letting his daughter do it before a fight, and it became a good luck ritual/shout out to her).

Anyway, I actually know a little about this brand. If I'm not mistaken, it was started by Aubrey Marcus, who also is part-owner of Joe Rogan's supplement company (which features such products as "Alpha Brain" nootropics and "Shroom Tech" cordyceps supplements). And I can tell you that, at least in the martial arts/MMA circles I frequent, Alpha Nail has been laughed at heartily, especially by those who do openly paint their nails. It seems to me to be a product aimed not at fighters, but at the kind of fight fan who buys Affliction and Tapout shirts because they want to look like fighters.

ETA: Oh, and full disclosure: I totally used nail polish during my 18-year-old emocore phase, but not for martial arts. It was entirely because I thought girls at those clubs and concerts would like it. And I did the silly "only paint the last two nails" thing, too. Ah, to be young again.

Alpha Nails: nail polish for REAL men

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