I'm posting it here to get minor feedback, just mainly which version do you like more? Which one reads better? Do they both suck? Are they both ok?
VERSION 1
VERSION 2
I had to do an assignment in my class today and kind of ended up re-writing my opening. Thanks for any opinions.
VERSION 1
“Order, order in the club house,” Pip said jokingly as he started spinning in his desk chair. Pipkin McClennen with his short sickly thin and pale complexion wasn’t the type of person to scream “power”. His spiked dark red hair didn’t even move as he spun several times in his chair till his cover green eyes couldn’t see straight.
“What, are we five?” Laura sighed as she leaned up on her elbows from her comfortable spot on Pip’s lime green carpet. Laura Wishnowski took the ponytail holder from her wrist and put her red shoulder length hair into a ponytail. Wiping her bangs from her navy blue eyes, then plopped back onto her back continuing to concentrate on the small black speck on Pip’s ceiling.
“It was only a joke.” Pip said
“Wasn’t very funny.” She mumbled quickly
“What is your problem?!” Pip spazzed
“Will you both shut-up! I don’t feel like listening to you both argue!” Max quickly interrupted as he continued throwing a bouncy ball up at the ceiling and catching it again. He blew of tuff of his shaggy dark brown hair out of his equally dark eyes, but missed the ball and watched it disappear somewhere on the floor.
VERSION 2
“Order, order in the club house,” Pip said jokingly as he stopped spinning in his desk chair. Pipkin McClennen was a short pale, almost sickly thin thirteen year old, with spiked short dark red hair, clover green eyes, tons of freckles and braces, Pip wasn’t a normal kid though he was a genius, and already a senior in high school.
“What, are we five still?” Laura sighed as she leaned up on her elbows to look at him from her comfy spot of Pip’s lime green carpet. Laura Wishnowski was also thirteen. Many wrongly thought Laura and Pip were siblings for she too was a ginger. She had lighter shoulder length red hair with bangs, dark blue eyes and plenty of freckles.
“It was only a joke.” Pip said
“Wasn’t very funny.” She mumbled quickly
“What is your problem?!” Pip spazzed
“Will you both shut-up! I don’t feel like listening to you both argue!” Max quickly interrupted as he continued throwing a bouncy ball up at the ceiling and catching it again, while laying on Pip’s bed.
Maxwell Walsh also thirteen was not a ginger, in fact the opposite with dark brown shaggy hair and eyes to match. Max was taller and slightly less lanky than Pip, but did share some freckles that only rested on his nose and cheeks.
I had to do an assignment in my class today and kind of ended up re-writing my opening. Thanks for any opinions.