[Dawno]

Originally Posted by DreamWeaver

Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing pink prom dresses is no basis for a system of echelon laddering. Supreme echelon power derives from a mandate from the posters, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can't expect to wield supreme Poz-busting power just 'cause some watery tart threw a pink prom dress at you!

Help, help, she's repressing me! She's repressing me!

Kris

This got me thinking about the following. Apologies to Python lovers everywhere and for it not being in verse.

Remember when you read it to think of John Cleese and Michael Palin's voices...
An Author enters a townhouse in Maryland.

Author: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Author: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Author: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Author: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this book what I
wrote a few months ago and what you published in this very place.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Fairy Gremlin Romantic Thriller...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Author: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. The grammar, that's what's
wrong with it! And the spelling and the punctuation – and look at this spline!
Owner: No, no, it’s uh,...it’s a revolutionary publishing technique.
Author: Look, matey, I know bad editin’ when I see it, and I'm looking
at some right now.
Owner: No no it's not bad editin’ , we’ve kept your unique voice! Remarkable editors here we’ve got! Lit’r’lly dozens of ‘em! All very supportive, write ‘cha a great email, too, they do! Comes from havin’ a good liberal arts education, an readin’ the Pennysaver, it does.
Author: The emails ain’t spelt right neither! It’s stone nonsense.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! It’s revolutionary publishing!
Author: All right then, if it’s so well edited and revolutionary, I'll just check the bookshelves at the local book shop next-door then!
(shouting out the door to the bookseller’s)
'Ello, Mister Bookseller! I've got a fresh $100 bill for you if
you can show me a copy of...(Owner tosses a book over Author’s head through the bookshop’s front door)
Owner: See, there’s a copy! Right there in the front!
Author: It wasn’t there ‘till you threw it in the door!
Owner: I never!!
Author: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Author: (yelling into the book shop) 'ELLO Readers!!!!!
Aside from that volume what clobbered the poor lady lyin’ there on the floor, has you ever seen a POZ book 'ere on the shelves!

(People peek up from behind the stacks and counters shaking their heads – a small voice from an unseen person says “no”.)

Author: Now that's why I call it a dead book. No one in there has ever seen a POZ book!
Owner: No, no.....No, they’s just stunned!
Author: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! They’s stunned by the genius of our marketing model, they’s all really more interested in ordering your book online and are visitin’ the nice bookseller for his free internet book orderin’ services.
Author: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That book is definitely not sellin’ a copy outside my friends and fambly, and when I wrote it not six months ago, you sent out a press release that it was a resonatin’ work that will fit your speciality like a bleedin’ glove.
Owner: Well, it’s probably a glitch at the distributor.
Author: Glitch at the distributor?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? look, why does the manager at Barnes and Noble tell me they won’t stock my book because it’s non-returnable?
Owner: Don't take that tone with me! You must be wrong. I’m startin to think that your whole drama, this whole escapade is nonsensical. It isn't deserving of an explanation and I demand an apology!
Author: And another thing, I took the liberty of examining my royalty statement when I got home,
and I discovered the only reason that I even ‘ad royalties was because you sent postcards to all my relatives.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course we sent post cards to your relatives! If we hadn't sent them they would have missed out on the opportunity to own a rare first edition from a traditional publisher for which you did not have to pay a single dime!
Author: "Rare first edition”! You mean rare because the only way this book sees print is when I order in lots of 500 and sell them out of my trunk? And about those dimes...
Owner: No no! Your books available through brick and mortar bookstores from sea to shining sea! There will be customers, you just have to market your book harder. It’s pinin’ for your lack of commitment to sell it.
Author: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This book is no more! It has ceased
to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft
of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't printed up author’s copies ther’d be no copies. The book is pushing up the daisies! it’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!
THIS IS AN EX-BOOK!! I will not market it for one more minute!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better give you your rights back then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Owner: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of rights reversions.

Author: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got an amendment that will make your contract non-exclusive, though.

(pause)

Author: (sweet as sugar) Pray, can I talk about my book with other publishers then?
Owner: Nnnnot really. See, right here, it’s a confidentiality clause.
Author: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY HELP THEN, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Look, if you go to my partner's townhouse in Iceland, he'll give you back your rights.

Author: Iceland, eh? Very well.

The Author leaves.