Fantasy Middle Reader

[WhisperingBard]

If anyone has the time, I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on the chapter I posted from my WIP, Someone is Killing the Good Wizards of Altree. Not looking for extensive critiquing, just some general feedback. Thanks much!

[katiebug57]

Hi, I went to the children's board to look for your posting, but didn't find it! Did you post it there, or am I looking in the wrong place?

Thanks for clarifying this for me!
Katiebug

[WhisperingBard]

Hi, Katiebug,
It was posted a couple of weeks ago, before the new genre-specific forums were started, so it's now buried on page three of the old posts. Here's a link if you'd still like to take a look (and regardless, thanks for trying!):
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=141668&postcount=1

[Kida Adelyne]

I'll check it out when I have time. (ekkk... I have to go...)

[zeprosnepsid]

I read it and enjoyed it, but didn't feel like I had that much to add to what had already been said. You've already got some great comments in that thread. Good luck!

[WhisperingBard]

Thanks very much for the additional comments!

[kaku]

I enjoyed reading your work. It definitely held my interest. A couple of things troubling me were the narration you inserted from time to time and the description of their domicile.



>Their father, who had once been a distinguished member of the Altree Collective, the governing branch of the oldest magical Order of its kind, had long since retired to their little hamlet in the countryside. He’d been burned out by the petty squabbling of his fellow wizards/bureaucrats and left to seek out the relatively peaceful existence of a scholar and family man. It had been many years since he’d set foot in Altree, much to his sons’ dismay.



>the result of a spell gone awry, (this might be okay - maybe I'm being a nitpick since her siblings would know why her hair was red).



This data seemed somewhat out of place. Is there a way to relate this without narration?


Also, these are obviously wizard children living in a wizard's house. I was expecting their surroundings to be a bit more magical. You failed to include a single mystical object in the description of their surroundings.

I hope this helps! You have a good tale going, keep up it up.

[WhisperingBard]

Thank you, kaku! I appreciate the feedback!

[mdmkay]

As much as I love your postings Whispering if I knew where you were at this minute I swear I'd come bop you. You have no idea of how long I've been waiting for the next chapter on this story and how excited I was that you posted something new. After looking high and low I finally found that darn thing and it was the first chapter again. I almost cried. YES I LOVE THE STORY IF YOU DON'T GET THE SECOND CHAPTER GOING I'M PERSONALLY GOING TO COME CHAIN YOU TO YOUR CHAIR. (only kidding about chaining you to your chair but please please please send me the rest of the story this is killing me). I've always thought you were talented but somehow this particular story really grabbed me and it's like them telling you that a great movie is coming out.....NEXT YEAR, maybe. I really love this story can hardly wait until you get it out there so I can buy and read it.

[WhisperingBard]

mdmkay, hon, you say the sweetest things! If you like the beginning of the new book, you would probably also enjoy the one that PA got. I'd be happy to send you a copy for free if you'll let me know what your address is. And I promise, when new chapters are ready on the other one, I'll let you know! :)

Thanks,
Cia