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ZannaPerry
01-02-2008, 09:33 AM
What are the worst sex words you've read when reading erotica?

I can tell you the one that makes me gag and is a big turn off is PLUNGED. I hate that word when it comes to the sex scene. Ick!

She_wulf
01-02-2008, 09:46 AM
anal pucker.

Yes, that was in a book. I can even quote which author if I wanted to name names...

Just Jack
01-02-2008, 09:48 AM
Splurge.

Im serious.

I rarely ever stop reading a book halfway through...but Jesus.

MargueriteMing
01-02-2008, 10:03 AM
As in, not a spending spree, but the other kind?

I just hate it when someone's nipples get chafed. Plunging works for me if it's done right. Take the plunge, plunging in, she plunged madly between my thighs, good stuff. It's got more motion to it than pounding, although a good pounding can be good now and then, too. ;)

Pucker is a little better than rosebud. I hate it when it winks at me, though.

ZannaPerry
01-02-2008, 10:03 AM
I don't like it in some books where the man talks really dirty to the woman. Like he's a horny virgin. Such a turnoff.

ZannaPerry
01-02-2008, 10:05 AM
Plunging works for me if it's done right.

When I think of the word "plunged" it sounds like I'm working in a bathroom on a toliet.
:Huh:

Voyager
01-02-2008, 10:31 AM
Fist. I may not like a word, it might even make me laugh, but fist has no place in my erotic never never land.

kristie911
01-02-2008, 10:43 AM
Mounted.

I hate the word in just about any context though.

ZannaPerry
01-02-2008, 10:51 AM
see...mounted isn't thaaaaaaaat bad. Doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth like plunged.

ZannaPerry
01-02-2008, 10:52 AM
Fist. I may not like a word, it might even make me laugh, but fist has no place in my erotic never never land.

How would they use the word FIST in an erotic novel? Do I even want to know?

Stacia Kane
01-02-2008, 12:55 PM
I'm not crazy about "hole". I know it's hard to find words sometimes when you're describing several different acts in and around a particular orifice (or orifices), but something about "hole" just feels yucky to me.


And Suzy I generally agree about the dirty talk. Some is fine, but I've read a few where the hero is really, really graphic from the very beginning of the scene and it squicks me a little. For me, the more excited he is the more graphic he can be.

MelodyO
01-02-2008, 01:17 PM
Prostate. Knobs, folds, leaking, spurting, fainting, humping, labia, tunnel, mound, and like that there. Basically, anything that's too ridiculously anatomical.

Faves: shuddering and gasping. :)

Marian Perera
01-02-2008, 02:12 PM
Inserted.

That word just sounds... clinical.

akiwiguy
01-02-2008, 02:26 PM
Scrotum.

Just doesn't do it for me for some reason. A hairy, wrinkly kind of word to me.

She_wulf
01-02-2008, 05:03 PM
Mounted.

I hate the word in just about any context though.
Yee-hah!

Cowboys ain't that sexy.

kristie911
01-02-2008, 05:33 PM
I can't help it...ever since I read the following sentence, the word mounted just makes me giggle. It just sounds squicky.

He pushed her back against the headboard and mounted her.

Come on! How could anyone take that seriously?! :roll:

theloveofwriting
01-02-2008, 05:47 PM
Plowed.

That just doesn't sound right at all.

Jersey Chick
01-02-2008, 05:49 PM
Unless it's eyes, anything weeping is oooky. There is absolutely nothing sexy about weepage... ugh... give me mount over that any day.

And don't even get me started on the whole juices thing **shudders**

PattiTheWicked
01-02-2008, 06:08 PM
"Laved".

It just sounds like someone with a terrible speech impediment, like the minister in the Princess Bride.... "mawwiage.... twooo wuuuuuv.... laaaaved."

Maryn
01-02-2008, 06:12 PM
Gee, I don't have a problem with any particular word except for some of the sillier names for penis. "Man-rod" cracks me up.

But then, I've made heavy use of several of the ones you all hate or laugh at. Sigh...

Maryn, who hasn't sold anything in eons

Higgins
01-02-2008, 06:12 PM
Prostate. Knobs, folds, leaking, spurting, fainting, humping, labia, tunnel, mound, and like that there. Basically, anything that's too ridiculously anatomical.

Faves: shuddering and gasping. :)

I wrote a semizombie sex scene about a month ago and the anatomical points of reference turned out to be reasonably important.

You're right though, shuddering and gasping can come in handy when you run out of anatomical items.

She_wulf
01-02-2008, 06:43 PM
Gee, I don't have a problem with any particular word except for some of the sillier names for penis. "Man-rod" cracks me up.

But then, I've made heavy use of several of the ones you all hate or laugh at. Sigh...

Maryn, who hasn't sold anything in eons
I hope you've never used the phrase "well-tended breasts"

*G*

I'd like my chicken extra-crispy please....

She_wulf
01-02-2008, 06:49 PM
I can't help it...ever since I read the following sentence, the word mounted just makes me giggle. It just sounds squicky.

He pushed her back against the headboard and mounted her.

Come on! How could anyone take that seriously?! :roll:
Not only is it giggle worthy, it doesn't physically seem right. I mean...

Oh. Sorry, not that kind of a forum. *blush*

MargueriteMing
01-02-2008, 07:09 PM
Gee, I don't have a problem with any particular word except for some of the sillier names for penis. "Man-rod" cracks me up.

But then, I've made heavy use of several of the ones you all hate or laugh at. Sigh...

Maryn, who hasn't sold anything in eons

Heehee, I'm with you, but it's "purple-helmeted warrior" that does it for me.:flag:

MargueriteMing
01-02-2008, 07:11 PM
I can't help it...ever since I read the following sentence, the word mounted just makes me giggle. It just sounds squicky.

He pushed her back against the headboard and mounted her.

Come on! How could anyone take that seriously?! :roll:

Maybe they were into pony games.

Jersey Chick
01-02-2008, 07:17 PM
In one book (that was soooo awful it was awful), it was described as a battering ram. All I could think was - How the hell did he get his pants on??? :D

She_wulf
01-02-2008, 09:23 PM
In one book (that was soooo awful it was awful), it was described as a battering ram. All I could think was - How the hell did he get his pants on??? :D
...and the walls came crumbling down...

kristie911
01-02-2008, 10:20 PM
In one book (that was soooo awful it was awful), it was described as a battering ram. All I could think was - How the hell did he get his pants on??? :D

:roll:

That one made me laugh out loud. Classic.

Marian Perera
01-02-2008, 11:44 PM
Plowed.

That just doesn't sound right at all.

Oddly enough, I really like the word "plowed" in a certain context - in the play Antony and Cleopatra, where someone is describing Caesar's relationship with Cleopatra. I think the exact line is, "He plowed her, and she cropped".

akiwiguy
01-03-2008, 12:03 AM
Oddly enough, I really like the word "plowed" in a certain context - in the play Antony and Cleopatra, where someone is describing Caesar's relationship with Cleopatra. I think the exact line is, "He plowed her, and she cropped".

Yes, I was thinking along those lines. I'm pretty sure, without looking it up, that the word f**k was derived from a word meaning basically "to plough a field".

And on that thought, to be honest I think some of the most common vulgar words are, in the right context, real turn-on words for me. "Please f**k me." Simple, but it does it for me for some reason.

Voyager
01-03-2008, 12:09 AM
When I was reading the Beauty trilogy, I had to stop and catch my breath from laughing the first time I read nether lips

MargueriteMing
01-03-2008, 12:14 AM
When I was reading the Beauty trilogy, I had to stop and catch my breath from laughing the first time I read nether lips

I always liked it, it's got a naughty underworld feel to it.

MargueriteMing
01-03-2008, 12:15 AM
Oddly enough, I really like the word "plowed" in a certain context - in the play Antony and Cleopatra, where someone is describing Caesar's relationship with Cleopatra. I think the exact line is, "He plowed her, and she cropped".

Till the fertile fields, just be aware some rows are tough to hoe.

ClaudiaGray
01-03-2008, 12:59 AM
The thing about writing sex -- the same word/phrase/term that one person finds sexy, the next person will find disgusting, and the third find funny as all hell. It's tricky.

bethany
01-03-2008, 01:05 AM
Nothing really gags and disgusts me. Many things make me laugh. Particularly purple prose. I did a really funny set of dirty mad libs once, it was very very fun.

ZannaPerry
01-03-2008, 03:45 AM
Another word to call the penis is organ...and yeah, that is what they call it but to put it into an erotic novel for a man "to hold his organ and..." Well, you get it. Scientific words are turnoffs in my book, too.

truelyana
01-03-2008, 03:49 AM
I don't like it in some books where the man talks really dirty to the woman. Like he's a horny virgin. Such a turnoff.

What about horny *****cker ?

ZannaPerry
01-03-2008, 04:05 AM
Nah, truelyana, this current book I'm reading the hero sounded like a horny virgin. He couldn't get to the woman fast enough, or stop touching. Was kind of uncomfortable for the woman if you ask me. Ha...I wanted to shut the book to give them some privacy.

Jersey Chick
01-03-2008, 04:35 AM
This thread is cracking me up. I thought battering ram was pretty much the end all - but I was wrong.

Hmm.... plowed seems a bit impersonal to me, but not really squicky. I think of that as a wham-bam-thank you-ma'am type roll, roll, roll in zee hay.

truelyana
01-03-2008, 04:38 AM
Nah, truelyana, this current book I'm reading the hero sounded like a horny virgin. He couldn't get to the woman fast enough, or stop touching. Was kind of uncomfortable for the woman if you ask me. Ha...I wanted to shut the book to give them some privacy.

Fair enough, I quite like the sound of Horny virgin now to come to think of it. I understand if the story was making it sound uncomfortable for the woman, it's interesting when it does that. Brings the story to life. :)

scarletpeaches
01-03-2008, 04:41 AM
Throbbing manhood.

A manhood which throbs, makes me giggle.

truelyana
01-03-2008, 04:43 AM
Throbbing manhood.

A manhood which throbs, makes me giggle.

That is kinda cute, in a laughable way.

Jersey Chick
01-03-2008, 04:47 AM
Ah yes, the ever present throbbing manhood. Am I the only one who pictures it pulsing, like a cartoon thumb when it gets whacked with a hammer (the thumb, not the manhood)? And has anyone actually ever seen a manhood throb? I image it'd freak the sh@t out of me.

Just Jack
01-03-2008, 05:05 AM
Spunk.

Or really, any of the other nicknames for sperm.

I enjoy the occasional erotica/romance, but its not Hustler, lets keep the trash words out of it.

Don Allen
01-03-2008, 07:32 AM
Gee, I don't have a problem with any particular word except for some of the sillier names for penis. "Man-rod" cracks me up.

But then, I've made heavy use of several of the ones you all hate or laugh at. Sigh...

Maryn, who hasn't sold anything in eons

Reminds me of one that cracks me up constantly "Love Muscle" There use to be a porn star named "Lance Love Muscle" I can't read anything that talks about his throbbing love muscle without thinking "what twit wrote this" geeze.... OMG I have to go wash now.....

brokenfingers
01-03-2008, 07:34 AM
Hmmm, interesting word selections here. As for me, the number one turn-off word that cools my jets in a heartbeat is 'No'.

ZannaPerry
01-03-2008, 07:47 AM
As it should, brokenfingers. ;)

Another word I came across that left my mouth dirty...

PRICK. ...as in another name for a man's thing.

kristie911
01-03-2008, 08:46 AM
And has anyone actually ever seen a manhood throb? I image it'd freak the sh@t out of me.

No, and I hope I never do because, like you, I'd run the other way. Ick!

Just Jack
01-03-2008, 08:49 AM
being a man, and an athlete (locker room) i have had many an oppurtunity to see a manhood throb

and have yet to see one do it....so if you see one throb

i would suggest police investigation

Jersey Chick
01-03-2008, 08:55 AM
Imagine that in an episode of CSI ;)

sunna
01-03-2008, 09:17 AM
I've learned so much just reading this thread...

Folds, slit, nubbin, bump(s) - I mean, c'mon, bumps? Like frost heaves? On logs? Might as well say thingy and have done with it.

My fav so far: appendage. Wow. Can't remember the title, and I think I actually tossed the book, which I almost never do.

She_wulf
01-03-2008, 09:32 AM
I was only 12 when I read this one, and it cracked me up....


Your breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.

We passed it around Bible camp for days.

Just Jack
01-03-2008, 10:03 AM
Slit....that one just makes me cry.

Stacia Kane
01-03-2008, 01:47 PM
Spunk.

Or really, any of the other nicknames for sperm.

I enjoy the occasional erotica/romance, but its not Hustler, lets keep the trash words out of it.


Of course, how could I forget!

"Cum."

*shudder*

I hate that word, just hate it. It has such a raincoats-in-the-porno-theatre feel to it. Just...sleazy. Ugh! I hate it referring to the substance and I hate it referring to the physical act. (Note: "Come" is fine. I just hate, um, that awful misspelling! I can't bring myself to type it again.)

I feel like I need to wash now after typing it.

MargueriteMing
01-03-2008, 01:59 PM
Spunk.

Or really, any of the other nicknames for sperm.

I enjoy the occasional erotica/romance, but its not Hustler, lets keep the trash words out of it.

I guess baby custard and boy honey are right out, then?

MargueriteMing
01-03-2008, 02:02 PM
Of course, how could I forget!

"Cum."

*shudder*

I hate that word, just hate it. It has such a raincoats-in-the-porno-theatre feel to it. Just...sleazy. Ugh! I hate it referring to the substance and I hate it referring to the physical act. (Note: "Come" is fine. I just hate, um, that awful misspelling! I can't bring myself to type it again.)

I feel like I need to wash now after typing it.

Well, sometimes sleazy is what you want, though...

kristie911
01-03-2008, 02:29 PM
Nothing wrong with a bit of sleaze. ;)

Stacia Kane
01-03-2008, 04:00 PM
Perhaps I should have said "tacky" instead of sleazy.

cletus
01-03-2008, 04:28 PM
I guess baby custard and boy honey are right out, then?
There is a store in the local mall called "Lovejuice". I think they make smoothies and fresh juices, but the name puts me off from trying one.

theloveofwriting
01-03-2008, 05:02 PM
Reamed:eek:.

Someone had too much time on their hands.

Jersey Chick
01-03-2008, 05:35 PM
THis thread's even better! :D

:ROFL:

truelyana
01-03-2008, 05:41 PM
You know all these nicknames actually do exist between sex conversations.

donroc
01-03-2008, 06:15 PM
My favorite from the female character's POV when she watched his staff "beat a tatoo against his chest."

www.donaldmichaelplatt.com

Stacia Kane
01-03-2008, 08:51 PM
My favorite from the female character's POV when she watched his staff "beat a tatoo against his chest."

www.donaldmichaelplatt.com (http://www.donaldmichaelplatt.com)


*spits Coke on the laptop*

HeronW
01-03-2008, 09:04 PM
erotica's in the brain, (excuse me to all the zombie luvfests :> ) so most mention of body parts looks like a shopping list, or worse a recipe. Heaving breasts and quivering thighs always sound like a fried chicken shack during an earthquake :}

Bubastes
01-03-2008, 09:05 PM
Heaving breasts and quivering thighs always sound like a fried chicken shack during an earthquake :}

:roll:

Higgins
01-03-2008, 10:22 PM
erotica's in the brain, (excuse me to all the zombie luvfests :> ) so most mention of body parts looks like a shopping list, or worse a recipe. Heaving breasts and quivering thighs always sound like a fried chicken shack during an earthquake :}


Zombie love sounds so wholesome. Zombies do have brains, they just aren't in very good shape. It's no wonder I gave up writing erotica at an impressionable age and moved on to sci-fi and fantasy.

She_wulf
01-03-2008, 10:38 PM
Zombie love sounds so wholesome....
IDK, I think the plot just sort of falls apart.

I couldn't resist....

akiwiguy
01-03-2008, 11:04 PM
Imagine that in an episode of CSI ;)

What, kind of like..

Katherine: So this penis is all that was found?
Gil: Yes. And it is manhood, not penis. Manhood.
Katherine: Ah.
Gil: I'd say that no more than ten hours ago this was a proud battering ram.
Katherine: Because it is still quivering?
Gil: Throbbing. Thighs quiver. Manhoods throb.
Katherine: A little purple don't you think sir?
Gil: Funny. You think they resemble a purple helmeted warrior too?
Katherine: I meant your prose.
Gil: Hmmm, are you taking notes? Let's hear what we've got.
Katherine: Very well. "My chaffed nipples tightened as the sheet was pulled back to reveal the pulsating man-rod, glistening with the juices of..."
Gil: Katherine, I;ve been thinking.
Katherine: Yes Gil?
Gil: Are you still looking for a critique partner?

kristie911
01-04-2008, 01:50 AM
:roll: Too funny! :)

scarletpeaches
01-04-2008, 02:05 AM
Spunk.

Or really, any of the other nicknames for sperm.

I enjoy the occasional erotica/romance, but its not Hustler, lets keep the trash words out of it.

You mean like baby gravy? Or man-juice?

Spooge?

Worry not, mods; I am ejaculating ejecting myself from this thread now, before I get banninated. :eek:

scarletpeaches
01-04-2008, 02:07 AM
Slit....that one just makes me cry.

Shaun Hutson has a habit of describing a moist vagina as a 'gaping maw'.

Hmm.

I think I prefer my own nice word - ladygarden. :D

Le jardin du femme!

katiemac
01-04-2008, 02:43 AM
That reminds me of a line from Belle, a really beautiful song from the Hunchback of Notre Dame musical:

"Pousser la porte du jardin d'Esmeralda," which basically translates into "let me open the door to Esmeralda's garden."

joyce
01-04-2008, 05:17 AM
:roll:This thread is so funny I've been laughing all the way through it. When I read throbbing I always picture the poor thing being hit by a hammer or something.

Jersey Chick
01-04-2008, 05:42 AM
The cartoon thumb image! :D

This is one of the best threads ever.

SP, can I use ladygarden in a future work? That's brilliant! :D

joyce
01-04-2008, 06:08 AM
The cartoon thumb image! :D

This is one of the best threads ever.

SP, can I use ladygarden in a future work? That's brilliant! :D

I love ladygarden. I can just read it now....she sprayed her ladygarden with pesticides to keep the preditors away with their throbbing battering rams.

scarletpeaches
01-04-2008, 06:08 AM
Purple-headed custard chucker, anyone?

joyce
01-04-2008, 06:10 AM
Purple-headed custard chucker, anyone?
:roll:

scarletpeaches
01-04-2008, 06:11 AM
I call dibs on copyright for 'ladygarden'. But you can all use it if you wish. Just remember to make a reference to scarlet or peaches somewhere in your perverted fiction novels, as a wink and a nod to my perversion, thankyouplease.

SherryC
01-04-2008, 06:12 AM
I don't like 'tool'. When it's used: He used his tool to....

yuck. It's makes me think of a screwdriver or a some other 'tool' I might find in the garage. Doesn't do it for me.

scarletpeaches
01-04-2008, 06:13 AM
Shaft.

It makes me think of lifts or mines.

joyce
01-04-2008, 06:14 AM
I call dibs on copyright for 'ladygarden'. But you can all use it if you wish. Just remember to make a reference to scarlet or peaches somewhere in your perverted fiction novels, as a wink and a nod to my perversion, thankyouplease.

Perhaps I'll name the character after you. I don't know if I could get through writing it though because I'll be thinking of this thread and laughing. In fact I'll never write a sex scene the same again after this thread.

scarletpeaches
01-04-2008, 06:18 AM
That's probably for the best.

I don't think I've ever written a sex scene. I've written scenes where sexual congress has occurred, but in a roundabout way, no specifics. It was obvious from all the squelching and grunting what was going on, but there were no throbbing manhoods, flowering labia or gaping maws involved.

Just a donkey and a bucket of custard.

ZannaPerry
01-04-2008, 06:51 AM
Shaft is another one that leaves me high and dry.

names for the man's thingy that stick out but should be left in the writer's imagination:

prick
organ
shaft
throbbing manhood
manhood
thingy
sticker
fishing pole
pole
baseball bat
large, thick finger <--that was my favorite for the lamest
pinky

Don Allen
01-04-2008, 07:00 AM
I do like Ladygarden... S.P I may write you for permissions.....

Jersey Chick
01-04-2008, 07:44 AM
fishing pole?!?! good Lord... What about pole vault pole? Or how about javelin? Oh, javelin would be perfect, wouldn't it?

Egads...

Ok - so I have to work ladygarden and scarlet, and/or peaches into a scene... hmm... this oughta be interesting.

I'll leave the donkey to others, though. :D

kristie911
01-04-2008, 09:03 AM
fishing pole?!?!

Well, I have heard it referred to as "tackle" so I guess fishing pole would make sense. Right? No? No.

:roll:

Just Jack
01-04-2008, 09:13 AM
I really hate it when they reffer to it as...ahem..."prickmeat"
Sounds like something you would pick up at the deli.

"What would you like mam?"
" I would like a seven inch c**k please"
" Im sorry, were fresh out, but we have some lovely five inchers available"

brokenfingers
01-04-2008, 09:30 AM
All I can say is - reading this thread has made me glad I don't read erotica. ;)

akiwiguy
01-04-2008, 09:39 AM
I just thought of a really common interesting one. A lot of older works, especially say Anais Nin, and I think from Story of O, the word "sex" is used for vagina (and I think male organ... lol, I just had to say organ!).

As in, a randon quote from a Nin story "And when he touched her sex he found that she was wet."

It is a word I quite like used in that way for some odd reason. Maybe in some cultures that is a really common use of the word, but I'd never heard it used in that way.

ZannaPerry
01-04-2008, 09:55 AM
Yeah...organ is not a good word to call a man's privates. Too scientific.

MelodyO
01-04-2008, 10:05 AM
I really hate it when they reffer to it as...ahem..."prickmeat"
Sounds like something you would pick up at the deli.

"What would you like mam?"
" I would like a seven inch c**k please"
" Im sorry, were fresh out, but we have some lovely five inchers available"

Ahahaha! I've read a lot of bad porn in my time, but I've never heard it referred to as "prickmeat". That is award-winning material, my friend. ::hands you prickmeat trophy:: :tongue

Just Jack
01-04-2008, 11:12 AM
Ahahaha! I've read a lot of bad porn in my time, but I've never heard it referred to as "prickmeat". That is award-winning material, my friend. ::hands you prickmeat trophy:: :tongue

strangely, im very flattered

HeronW
01-04-2008, 03:39 PM
Not a bad word, just not quite right:
reading a lovely bdsm, alphabet soup type scene, very hot and the lady in question had an 'organism'.
I'm thinking--amoeba?

cletus
01-04-2008, 04:30 PM
My wife's favourite is "Throbbing thrill hammer".

joyce
01-04-2008, 06:49 PM
Well, I have heard it referred to as "tackle" so I guess fishing pole would make sense. Right? No? No.

:roll:
Thinking along these lines....I guess you need to describe the pole. Does he have a river pole, surf pole or the mack daddy deep sea fishing pole. I love this thread. I'm already laughing this morning.

She_wulf
01-04-2008, 06:56 PM
Thinking along these lines....I guess you need to describe the pole. Does he have a river pole, surf pole or the mack daddy deep fishing pole. I love this thread. I'm already laughing this morning.
Spanish fly fishing...

cletus
01-04-2008, 07:07 PM
I don't like 'tool'. When it's used: He used his tool to....

yuck. It's makes me think of a screwdriver or a some other 'tool' I might find in the garage. Doesn't do it for me.

He used his tool to plough her ladygarden.

:Shrug:Makes sense to me.

donroc
01-04-2008, 07:25 PM
Miss Ladygarden suggests a Miss Marple-like detective in a cozy. Of interest, which I have used in my soon to be released historical novel set in 17th century Spain, the garden was a metaphor for the poet's ultimate goal.

www.donaldmichaelplatt.com

MargueriteMing
01-04-2008, 07:37 PM
He used his tool to plough her ladygarden.

:Shrug:Makes sense to me.

Maybe he could use his hose to fertilize it?

HeronW
01-04-2008, 07:48 PM
Wasn't an icky word but in a bdsm/alphabet soup erotic tale, the heroine had an 'organism' and I'm brought to a screeching halt thinking; amoeba?

Stacia Kane
01-04-2008, 08:08 PM
He used his tool to plough her ladygarden.

:Shrug:Makes sense to me.


Maybe he was plowing through her beanfields.

(Somebody HAS to get that reference.)

ZannaPerry
01-04-2008, 08:21 PM
Well.....last night I found "steel rod" for a man's privates. Why can't we all just use the word that makes the most sense and won't make us cringe. You don't have to be creative when naming a man's privates. COME ON! That's sort of insulting for the man, or uncomfortable. Just like when you give it a pet name for him.

Jersey Chick
01-04-2008, 09:05 PM
I knew a guy who called it Humphrey.

I haven't been able to watch a Bogart movie since.


swear to god, the first part is true.

ETA: I just remembered, Humphrey was from a Judy Blume book - this guy called his Myron. And the boys were Ted and Ned.

It's still pretty weird, though. :D

Maryn
01-04-2008, 09:25 PM
I once knew a guy who referred to his balls as Sticky and Elmo. It pretty much ruined certain parts of Sesame Street for me.

cray
01-04-2008, 09:58 PM
inky kicked me in the bingos the other day.

just sayin...

Jersey Chick
01-04-2008, 10:02 PM
What did you do to deserve it? ;)

auntybug
01-04-2008, 10:02 PM
inky kicked me in the bingos the other day.

just sayin...

No - that was me dear :e2tongue:

ETA: I don't remember which thing he did- he's a PITA all day....

cray
01-04-2008, 10:28 PM
What did you do to deserve it? ;)

who knows why chicks do anything? :Shrug:

No - that was me dear :e2tongue:

ETA: I don't remember which thing he did- he's a PITA all day....

oh yea, she's right. it was her.
i blacked out.

Jersey Chick
01-04-2008, 10:34 PM
Must've been some kick. Tell me she wasn't wearing steel-toed boots, at least.

joyce
01-04-2008, 10:39 PM
I once knew a guy who called his Willie Wonka and my girlfriends old man call his the hog. Now when I see Ray's chocolate pants I'm going to be thinking about the Willie Wonka thing. This thread keeps getting better and better, or am I that sick in the head?

Jersey Chick
01-04-2008, 10:40 PM
:ROFL:

Willy Wonka!!??! :eek:

There goes another movie.

joyce
01-04-2008, 10:41 PM
I guess it's better than calling it Doctor Dolittle.

KimJo
01-05-2008, 02:44 AM
The word "package" bugs me... I don't remember if I've ever seen that in a story, but I have a few male friends who use that term for their anatomy, and it strikes me as hilarious, not even remotely sexy.

Jersey Chick
01-05-2008, 03:21 AM
family jewels - I hate that...

MargueriteMing
01-05-2008, 03:25 AM
How about Mr. Happy?

akiwiguy
01-05-2008, 03:51 AM
The word "package" bugs me... I don't remember if I've ever seen that in a story, but I have a few male friends who use that term for their anatomy, and it strikes me as hilarious, not even remotely sexy.

Yeah, and meat pack is quite common for either gender's genitalia. Or growler. There's a certain sort of person who's pick-up lines seem to be consist of "Hey... show us ya growler!", and then their mates all wet themselves laughing between bouts of vomiting over each other, and then they all go home to vomit some more, which is about the most exciting thing you'll get to do at midnight with female company numbering.. zero.

MargueriteMing
01-05-2008, 02:54 PM
I saw this link on another forum:

http://books.guardian.co.uk/news/articles/0,,2217735,00.html

Now we all know the source of the battering ram. I suppose if you like the term baby batter then you can put a different spin on the word battering.

honeycomb
01-05-2008, 08:10 PM
Ah yes, the ever present throbbing manhood. Am I the only one who pictures it pulsing, like a cartoon thumb when it gets whacked with a hammer (the thumb, not the manhood)? And has anyone actually ever seen a manhood throb? I image it'd freak the sh@t out of me.

I didn't before this entry.

slcboston
01-05-2008, 11:22 PM
I knew a guy who called it Humphrey.

I haven't been able to watch a Bogart movie since.

Great. Casablanca WAS one of my favorite movies... Now I may never be able to watch it again. :)

Jersey Chick
01-05-2008, 11:56 PM
Ah... Humphrey's not entirely my fault - I think I read it in Forever by Judy Blume when I was a teen. And probably giggled like an idiot at the time. :D

rhymegirl
01-06-2008, 04:20 AM
Wow, this is the first time I noticed this thread. (And it's quite funny, actually)

A couple of thoughts:
I don't like all those stupid made-up words that just come across as hilarious. Just call the stuff what it is.

In one novel I was reading, the author refers to the woman's vagina as her "sex". I don't much like that either. I get what it means, but don't think it sounds right.

I have to wonder why writers think they have to make up terms instead of calling parts of the body what they are.

I mean, geez, if they really want to be creative why not say: He put Pinocchio's nose into the mailbox slot.

auntybug
01-06-2008, 04:23 AM
I mean, geez, if they really want to be creative why not say: He put Pinocchio's nose into the mailbox slot.

1st they ruin Bogey....now she wants to ruin disney...

Get Pinocchio into position..."Lie to me..tell me the truth...lie to me..."

*runs*

rhymegirl
01-06-2008, 04:26 AM
Yup. I happen to think "Pinocchio" is the perfect term for penis.

Jersey Chick
01-06-2008, 05:33 AM
That reminds me of a joke we used to tell when we were kids. About Snow White and Pinocchio...

we wuz twisted

MargueriteMing
01-06-2008, 06:22 AM
That reminds me of a joke we used to tell when we were kids. About Snow White and Pinocchio...

we wuz twisted

Okay, give it up, or Ruby may meet a chick from Jersey in my next short story...

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=88131

Yes, yes, it's a shameless plug for commentary, so I learn better what I do right and wrong.

She_wulf
01-06-2008, 07:32 AM
1st they ruin Bogey....now she wants to ruin disney...

Get Pinocchio into position..."Lie to me..tell me the truth...lie to me..."

*runs*
That was VERY close to a movie (alright, porn flick) made in the 80's...named, mysteriously enough...Pinocchio.

It was the finale of a triple feature along with The Erotic Adventures of Robin Hood (Marion was a tramp and Robin...well, the men were merry), Alice in Wonderland (made me wonder why I was watching it...OFF WITH THEIR...ahem) and then the wooden boy...Lie, don't lie! Lie,....Silly stuff.

That's the last porn I ever watched.

Amy

CatMuse33
01-06-2008, 08:01 AM
Get Pinocchio into position..."Lie to me..tell me the truth...lie to me..."

*runs*

ROFLMAO!! For real! Yes it was from an old joke, but I haven't heard it in a while. :)

Jersey Chick
01-06-2008, 08:34 AM
I don't remember it word for word, but it was basically about Snow White sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying "Tell a lie.... tell the truth... tell a lie..."

I'm not even sure it was Snow White. Might have been Cinderella.


jeez, i hope i don't get into trouble for my dirty joke...

like I said, twisted. :D

ZannaPerry
01-06-2008, 09:31 AM
I am so very pleased everyone enjoys this thread......!

Jersey Chick
01-06-2008, 06:12 PM
This is one of the better ones - it's cracking me up! :D

auntybug
01-06-2008, 10:05 PM
I don't remember it word for word, but it was basically about Snow White sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying "Tell a lie.... tell the truth... tell a lie..."

I'm not even sure it was Snow White. Might have been Cinderella.

jeez, i hope i don't get into trouble for my dirty joke...

like I said, twisted. :D

There's the pinocchio/sandpaper one too...

also....when Cinderella diaphragm (sp) turns into a pumkin...
Fairy Godmother "What took you so long? I said be home at midnight?"
"I ran into this Peter, Peter guy...."

Yes, Virginia. I have no scruples...even fairy tales aren't safe.

Okay...I'd swear I typed these in before...."Junk" in the favorite for grade school boys...Alas not us forget Richard...the looong version of Dick for pecker names :D

She_wulf
01-06-2008, 10:13 PM
Okay, give it up, or Ruby may meet a chick from Jersey in my next short story...

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=88131

Yes, yes, it's a shameless plug for commentary, so I learn better what I do right and wrong.
LOL!

I'll hold the camera this time...on second thought, maybe the boom mic.

'don't wanna get caught with my pants down.

Amy

Stacia Kane
01-06-2008, 10:16 PM
That was VERY close to a movie (alright, porn flick) made in the 80's...named, mysteriously enough...Pinocchio.

Amy

I am terribly disappointed the filmmakers didn't take the pun opportunity and call it "Penioccio". Or just plain "Penoccio".

Bubastes
01-06-2008, 10:44 PM
I just read a story that contained the phrase "stabbed at my crotch with his manhood." Ow, sounds painful. I don't want the word "stab" anywhere near "crotch," kthx.

This was followed by the phrase "poked his tongue inside my mouth." "Poke" is just such an inelegant word, too clunky for a sex scene, don't you think?

*sigh* No wonder sex scenes are so challenging to write.

Jersey Chick
01-06-2008, 10:55 PM
Poking just doesn't sound romantic no matter what.

Did you ever write a sex scene that, upon revising, made you laugh because it was just too unbelievable? In one of my WIP, I changed only part of the scene (I don't know why I never completely changed it at that point) and when I was revising, I realized they were doing something that was physically impossible unless they were both really flexible - and the mental image gave me the giggles. :D

veinglory
01-06-2008, 11:00 PM
I once forgot my character's name so it seems like a third man suddenly appeared in the middle of the action : /

Dulvarian_Eldritch
01-18-2008, 10:43 AM
I'm sorry, but really, none of you have ever seen a "throbbing manhood"? To gloss lightly over the physiology of how it works, it's blood pressure that brings things up. Your heart pumps. Blood goes in, no blood goes out. A man in a quite erect state is more than capable of his "manhood throbbing" with each heartbeat.

I was laughing my sore buttocks off (and before anyone gets any funny ideas, to jump into running 6 miles a week has left my posterior muscles sore since I'm only in my second week. And maybe you don't have dirty minds, but I do. And would have gone straight there...) and my wife asked me what was so funny. She agreed with the above assessment. Two guys at work agreed with the same thing.

Maybe other people were visualizing the little guy like... doing something other than a little light lifting action, but it isn't a big deal. Ok, so maybe it's a little more noticeable if you just seared through an 8-ball and then got down to business. But it isn't all that abnormal.

Also, depends on what a reader has experience with as to what they find off color, off putting, or book dropping. Having a tiny bit of experience in things carnal, I just wonder what in world some authors were thinking about when they coined the phrases that they used when they describe their characters copulations. I've laughed over a few pages, I've nodded appreciably at some others, winced and cringed a few times. Never put a book down because of a poor scene. I've eaten galley food underway. You can't scare me with some bad purple prose.

Which reminds me, I lurked in here to try to find something and got lost. Pardon me guys and gals, I'll figure it out here in a minute...

ZannaPerry
01-18-2008, 09:31 PM
I don't think any woman knows how a throbbing manhood feels or looks because we simply don't have one. Generally. We know how "we" throb but that's for a different time and I really need to get my mind out the gutter. It's a regular there.......

Jersey Chick
01-18-2008, 10:31 PM
I'm sorry, but really, none of you have ever seen a "throbbing manhood"? To gloss lightly over the physiology of how it works, it's blood pressure that brings things up. Your heart pumps. Blood goes in, no blood goes out. A man in a quite erect state is more than capable of his "manhood throbbing" with each heartbeat.


Hmm... maybe I just gotta pay closer attention? ;)

No - don't know that I really want to see it. The cartoon hammer-whacks-thumb image is too prevalent.

Dulvarian_Eldritch
01-19-2008, 10:18 AM
I only ever paid attention to it after my wife commented on it. So...

But yeah, as far as descriptions go, that one is kind of accurate. I just think that almost everyone does that same mental twitch to the thumb-hammer image. I've personally never misunderstood it.

While that would be a remarkable trick, the real thing does exist. In fact, a little comic erotica story with as many of the far fetched descriptions in it gets pretty funny as my brain wraps around it.

But, I think that it would only really be realistic in prose if referred to in a little more exact manner so as not to distract the reader from the intent. If someone were truly interested I could give an example, but I think that on closer investigation one could find out the truth of the matter. In general, if it was used in relation to the level of excitement of the man in question, and in a manner that didn't try to depict it as a visual notice. It's not going to call attention from across the room. But it is something that can be noticed by tactile sense. Show, not tell, I guess.


To refer the matter of how women throb... that was the point at which I decided that no matter how well I tried to relate a sexual encounter of any flavor, I would never be able to write from a woman's perspective. I tried once and I felt the scene dreadful and swore never to try again.

Back to lurking.

MargueriteMing
01-19-2008, 12:22 PM
The word to use isn't throb, it's pulse. The manhood pulses. Throb is a thing of pain, and its mis-use more so.

ona
01-19-2008, 12:32 PM
Hilarious.

But I guess sex is just that, in the end. Absurd and hilarious.

Throbbing vein :) .

ona
01-19-2008, 12:39 PM
If you're silly enough to google something like "euphemisms romance novels" you'll get a few giggles.

I once worked with a woman who liked to refer to her "vag" (vaj). Kinda vulgar but better than many of teh other terms.

Tasmin21
01-19-2008, 05:27 PM
Actually heard a grown woman talk about her "va-jay-jay". I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cringe.

Maryn
01-19-2008, 07:33 PM
Oddly enough, though I've had a vagina all my life, and though I've written erotica for some time now, my need to mention vaginas to anyone other than my gynecologist and my lover or husband approaches zero.

Maryn, disgusted by "va-jay-jay"--what are we, five?

rhymegirl
01-19-2008, 08:10 PM
Actually heard a grown woman talk about her "va-jay-jay". I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cringe.

Oprah calls it that.


Last night we were watching a Clint Eastwood movie called Tightrope. His character has two young daughters. The youngest one who is maybe 8 years old asks her dad in the car, "Dad, what is a hard-on?"

So he tries to explain it to her, but not very well (leaving out that the term actually applies to a penis.) He explains it in such a way that she ends up using the term incorrectly later in the movie.

So that just confirms my feeling that people should use the real words when it comes to sex. Why must we make up words to cover up our embarrassment? And why choose stupid terms in novels that just come across as hilarious?

sandyn
01-19-2008, 09:24 PM
So that just confirms my feeling that people should use the real words when it comes to sex. Why must we make up words to cover up our embarrassment? And why choose stupid terms in novels that just come across as hilarious?

First, I gotta say this thread is just hilarious. It's made my morning brighter...

I have a true story about using the real words:

Early on, I taught my children to use the 'real' words, i.e. 'vagina' and 'penis' because I was so freaking tired of hearing little boys, in particular, call their penis a 'weenie.'

My little girl (about three at the time) proudly told one of my female neighbors that she had a 'gina' and asked if the woman had a 'gina' too. Boy, did I hear about that! BTW, it was her boys who called their penises 'weenies.'

Personally, I hate the word 'cock.' After all, isn't it the man who crows afterwards? It's certainly not his penis, 'cause if it was, that would make me head for the hills in a heartbeat...

absitinvidia
01-19-2008, 10:00 PM
I once had to explain to an author that readers of a certain age would not find "love canal" to be at all sexy. Quite the opposite.

My favorite ever, which I obviously had to delete, was "his tentacles of arousal moved in and out of the abyss of love." Wrong on so many levels.

MrWrite
01-19-2008, 10:09 PM
1st they ruin Bogey....now she wants to ruin disney...

Get Pinocchio into position..."Lie to me..tell me the truth...lie to me..."

*runs*

Ok in a thread full of funny post this is the funniest! :ROFL:

MrWrite
01-19-2008, 10:13 PM
I don't think any woman knows how a throbbing manhood feels or looks because we simply don't have one. Generally. We know how "we" throb but that's for a different time and I really need to get my mind out the gutter. It's a regular there.......

Oh believe me it can throb. You don't really see it throb but I can assure you a man can FEEL it throb!

rhymegirl
01-19-2008, 10:17 PM
You can also ask it questions and it can answer. Mostly yes answers.

MargueriteMing
01-20-2008, 06:26 AM
I once had to explain to an author that readers of a certain age would not find "love canal" to be at all sexy. Quite the opposite.

My favorite ever, which I obviously had to delete, was "his tentacles of arousal moved in and out of the abyss of love." Wrong on so many levels.

Tentacles? More than one? I'm so confused.

absitinvidia
01-20-2008, 08:20 AM
Tentacles? More than one? I'm so confused.

I just took it on faith that she was talking about fingers, but I'll admit I was traumatized.

Broadswordbabe
01-21-2008, 02:49 AM
Oh, boy, you guys made my night (I was furious with myself for having done more housework than writing this weekend, for no good reason - I'm now feeling no more productive but a lot more cheerful).

I think Purple Helmeted Warrior is my favourite - there's got to be a "war in the trenches" gag in there somewhere....

And as for this:


My favorite ever, which I obviously had to delete, was "his tentacles of arousal moved in and out of the abyss of love." Wrong on so many levels.

Makes me think of the sadly defunct Cthulhu Sex webzine.

I should really go to sleep. But thank you!

Broadswordbabe
01-22-2008, 11:18 PM
Damn, I killed the thread...I feel bad now....:(

RumpleTumbler
01-22-2008, 11:27 PM
Plunged....lol. It reminds me of unstopping a toilet.

Of course I guess that's a turn on for some.

Broadswordbabe
01-22-2008, 11:47 PM
People grabbing anything. Especially fistfuls of anything. That just sounds painful. And sort of greedy, as well.

slcboston
01-24-2008, 09:17 PM
Oprah calls it that.

Which, frankly, does NOT lend the term "va-jay-jay" credibility. I don't care if Mother Theresa called hers that, as terms go that's right up there with calling a penis a "pee-pee." Even if it is being used by grown ups.

Seriously, if you want to talk about your vagina, why not just call it that? Wasn't that the whole point of the "vagina monologues" in the first place, that as terms go it needs to be de-stigmatized? How does reducing it to a toddler's gibberish help with that?

(And if any woman ever refers to it as such during the course of sex, the night's over. Because I'm on the floor, LMAO. :D)

Maryn
01-24-2008, 09:22 PM
I had a real problem with "The Vagina Monologues," though. They were calling anything in the general region "vagina," when that's simply not the case in terms of clinical anatomy. While I like the idea of destigmatizing the word, I thought the play's contribution to an incorrect understanding of what it means undercut the effort and then some.

Maryn, who has now vowed never to say "va-jay-jay" in the throes of passion

red lantern
01-25-2008, 01:08 AM
I am still a green horn in this genre but I can't bring myself to use the C word to describe that area female anatomy (I am guy) I don't even say it, and it is so popular in some of the online erotica I read. Its just crude and for me in poor taste, I am criticizing anyone else its just not for me.

my second one is 'ploughing' as in he was ploughing her - makes it sound like a chore: 'Well after I finish ploughing I am heading in for supper and sit by the fire' Hardly evokes the right sort of imagery does it?

Stacia Kane
01-25-2008, 01:45 AM
I had a real problem with "The Vagina Monologues," though. They were calling anything in the general region "vagina," when that's simply not the case in terms of clinical anatomy. While I like the idea of destigmatizing the word, I thought the play's contribution to an incorrect understanding of what it means undercut the effort and then some.

Maryn, who has now vowed never to say "va-jay-jay" in the throes of passion

Kind of OT, but I was watching one of those sex-change documentaries a week or so ago, and the post-op patient, who now had ladyparts, actually said, "I haven't peed yet through my vagina, so I don't know what that will be like."

Seriously, they had NO IDEA that women do not actually pee through the vagina. Someone had to explain it. (And aside from anything else, I really thought if they were going to give him ladyparts, you'd think they would have gone over their basic structure and function first.)

So yeah, referring to the entire vulva as a vagina is not a good idea. (And I hate the word "vulva". Ech.)

rhymegirl
01-25-2008, 01:47 AM
Which, frankly, does NOT lend the term "va-jay-jay" credibility. I don't care if Mother Theresa called hers that, as terms go that's right up there with calling a penis a "pee-pee." Even if it is being used by grown ups.

I agree.

I was only mentioning the fact that Oprah calls it that. Some women may have heard her say it and decided to borrow the term.

She's not setting a good example by resorting to babytalk.

kikazaru
01-25-2008, 04:43 AM
I have a friend from Jamaica who refers to her lover as a "sweet piece of rudeness." While not technically a term for anatomy, it slays me every time.

Jersey Chick
01-25-2008, 04:59 AM
Hmm... if someone's peeing out of their vagina, they might want to sit down and have a little chat with their surgeon. Somebody made a boo-boo.

Ugh - baby talk. If I ever call it a va-jay-jay, anyone in earshot has my permission to slug me. That's even squickier than biological terms.

Sweet piece of rudeness- that's killer... i like it :D

DWSTXS
01-25-2008, 05:30 AM
Mounted.

I hate the word in just about any context though.


Well Kristie....I'll agree with you about 'mounted'..........mainly though, because of a joke I heard years ago.......

A man has two monkeys as pets........they are his long time pet companions.....he loves them like family............after 20 years, they both get sick and die at the same time.............the man is grief-stricken....and finally, after giving it a lot of thought.......he calls in a taxidermist to consult on having them displayed life-like in his living room.........

The Taxidermist walks in.....looks at the 2 dead monkeys.......looks at the man.....the man says 'I want to have them displayed right in here, up next to that wall there.'

The taxidermist looks at him and says, 'You want them mounted...'

'No!' the man says, '...just shaking hands will be fine...'

DWSTXS
01-25-2008, 05:31 AM
and by the way............the word I can't stand.......is 'bulbous'

Just Jack
01-25-2008, 05:39 AM
I read this one about 5 minutes ago...
and I had to share it with you guys...

Engorged

...the funny part is, while I think its describing a penis...there isnt a penis in the scene...

???

DWSTXS
01-25-2008, 05:53 AM
va-jay-jay and vullva are just too weird sounding........I don't think I want Oper teaching anyone about sex, or body parts.....or anything for that matter....

now, 'coochie'................there's a good word.......

DWSTXS
01-25-2008, 06:41 AM
well..........I once described a guy....who was NOT too well-endowed as 'Thumb-penis'


but.......other words for the...ahem.....'ejaculate'....how about
'DNA'

'enjoyment juice'

'fun-seed'

well.......I guess you can see why I don't write erotica......besides....if I did.....I probably always be turned on...and I'd spend my days in bed......hunched over like a comma......pleasuring myself frantically...........

DWSTXS
01-25-2008, 06:44 AM
It's also weird...............when people 'cleverly' name their pe-noos..........

the one I remember vividly...is 'little elvis'.........

MargueriteMing
01-25-2008, 07:42 AM
I read this one about 5 minutes ago...
and I had to share it with you guys...

Engorged

...the funny part is, while I think its describing a penis...there isnt a penis in the scene...

???

Shrug, there is erectile tissue in the clitoris, inner labia, and surrounding the outer third of the vagina. It engorges during arousal.

LloydBrown
01-25-2008, 08:53 AM
Oprah's use of "va-jay-jay" is hysterical to me. I know a guy who goes by "J.J." who got a new nickname after that. Now he's named after Oprah's girl parts.

She_wulf
01-25-2008, 04:57 PM
It's also weird...............when people 'cleverly' name their pe-noos..........

the one I remember vividly...is 'little elvis'.........
and when little elvis is done, he can leave the building...

Thank you, thank you very much

LOL

Soccer Mom
01-25-2008, 11:00 PM
Does little elvis wear a rhinestone coat?

DWSTXS
01-26-2008, 01:37 AM
Yes, and, it was ribbed for extra comfort...........

DWSTXS
01-26-2008, 01:39 AM
I am still a green horn in this genre but I can't bring myself to use the C word to describe that area female anatomy (I am guy) I don't even say it, and it is so popular in some of the online erotica I read. Its just crude and for me in poor taste, I am criticizing anyone else its just not for me.

my second one is 'ploughing' as in he was ploughing her - makes it sound like a chore: 'Well after I finish ploughing I am heading in for supper and sit by the fire' Hardly evokes the right sort of imagery does it?

You mean 'coochie'?

Soccer Mom
01-26-2008, 01:52 AM
I'm sure he means "cucumber".

HeronW
01-26-2008, 02:25 AM
A friend, happy married, refers to hers as 'mmmm hmmmm'.

donroc
01-26-2008, 02:54 AM
I remember hearing but never reading in print a reference to the vagina as the shmunyeh.

DWSTXS
01-26-2008, 04:18 AM
cucumber is the male appendage...........coochie is the vagine..........

Dasence
02-06-2008, 07:50 AM
I know this is late, but the novel I just finished reading used "pistoning" and totally killed the scene for me. Made me think of cars.

Just thought I'd share.

Broadswordbabe
02-06-2008, 01:00 PM
Makes me think of steam engines. Maybe there's a whole untapped genre of steampunk erotica out there...

KrishnaJewel
02-08-2008, 05:42 AM
Well if anything....this thread just goes to show as writers we cant please everyone....cos I know that there are words that some have objected to that I personally find erotic and would rather see/hear than the proper anatomical words...I will use those when speaking to someone I am not intimate with.

gingerwoman
02-09-2008, 10:19 AM
I don't like it in some books where the man talks really dirty to the woman. Like he's a horny virgin. Such a turnoff. Um... this is a major turn on for me. lol

I'm reading a squicky book at the moment.
Here is a quote
the massive quantity of ejaculate that was flooding into her mouth every couple of seconds, the cum spilling readily from between her lips to drench her chin, neck and chest
Um now that is yuck to me. The heroes (plural) are vampires that have unusally copius amounts of cum and blood. yuuuuuck.

She_wulf
02-12-2008, 12:48 AM
...The heroes (plural) are vampires that have unusally copius amounts of cum and blood. yuuuuuck.
I tried to resist.

The above would make me gag.

*G*

Stacia Kane
02-12-2008, 02:13 AM
I'm picturing one of those fake movie-vomit tubes, you know what I mean? Where oceans of liquid pour out in a thick stream and splatter everywhere?

YUCK. Yuck yuck yuck. Eeew.


Does he need an actual mop to clean up the bathroom if he...um...decides to enjoy some gentlemen's literature in solitude?

Patrick L
02-15-2008, 04:42 AM
Moist. I've seen it several times and I think of brownies.

And when someone bites a brownie at a party and says it's moist, I think of...well...you know.

Patrick L
02-15-2008, 06:37 PM
Wasn't it the Church Lady who told "Jessica Hahn" (on SNL) that her "celestial orafice looks all engorged and tingly"?

Classic.

And yes, throb is accurate.

lute
03-10-2008, 04:39 AM
Hahahahaha. These are classic.

Gyrated has no place in a sex scene. Ever.

sunandshadow
03-13-2008, 09:56 AM
Hilarious. :ROFL: I'm certain I've used every one of these words in one scene or another that I've written. Maybe I just like all words. Although I did boggle one time when I read the phrase "cock snot".

donroc
03-13-2008, 04:50 PM
I read a historical novel manny years ago in wich a character refers to his penis as "my pizzle."

cray
03-13-2008, 07:08 PM
I read a historical novel manny years ago in wich a character refers to his penis as "my pizzle."

are you sure that wasn't a snoop dogg interview? :D

Cloud Jumper
03-14-2008, 05:38 AM
Makes me think of steam engines. Maybe there's a whole untapped genre of steampunk erotica out there...

Chuga chuga chuga, WOO-WOOO!!!!

Matera the Mad
03-18-2008, 05:56 AM
I just made it through the whole thread without feeling any warm wetness between my thighs
-- that is, I didn't pee my pants laughing. :roll:

She_wulf
03-20-2008, 08:00 AM
Courtesy of:

http://community.livejournal.com/weepingcock/profile

The Velvet-Sheathed Steel That Proclaimed Him Male

There are OOOOooodles of noodle* references on that page.

*sorry*

Soccer Mom
03-20-2008, 08:38 AM
Courtesy of:

http://community.livejournal.com/weepingcock/profile

The Velvet-Sheathed Steel That Proclaimed Him Male

There are OOOOooodles of noodle* references on that page.

*sorry*


:ROFL: Thank you for this!!!!!!!!!!!!

Komnena
03-20-2008, 04:47 PM
I know this is late, but the novel I just finished reading used "pistoning" and totally killed the scene for me. Made me think of cars.

Just thought I'd share.
I remember getting a handout in school in which the teacher had intended to write locomotive fuel. Instead she had us all laughing at the image of what the locomotives were doing.

donroc
03-20-2008, 05:05 PM
I have been tempted to write (but never have until now): He inserted his extension cord of love in her (your choice of adjective) socket of desire.

:eek:

WriteKnight
03-20-2008, 06:08 PM
Long long ago in my youth, I read a series of novels that took place during the crusades. (Wish I could remember the names.) As a student of history and medieval arms, I found the combat and armor sections particularly well written.

Unfortunately, the graphic sex made me howl with laughter.

"His manly quarterstaff"

"Turgid loin-sword"


Remain with me to this day.

Stacia Kane
03-20-2008, 06:11 PM
I totally want to use "turgid loin-sword."

JamieFord
03-20-2008, 06:12 PM
"She could see his dangling participle."

It's just wrong, people...

thmilin
03-22-2008, 03:43 AM
hot diggity this is cracking me up ...

so usually i like the dirty explicit dialogue, but it has to be clever and skilled and real. if it's awkward it's a turn off.

pistoning, ploughing, plunging, ramming, pounding, sluicing, thrusting, are all exactly what a penis is doing in the Wet Sopping Orifice That Proclaimed Her Female.

it's a turn on, I think, for most women who have some experience with the plunging, and can take it and LIKE the connotation of a man being a mad ravening machine pummeling her insides with the help of bottled and female lubrication. it's that moment of mindlessless where you're nothing but two animals rutting away with the senselessness of machines, round peg in round hole, bam bam bam.

however, of course, you have to work up to it, you can't just get to sluicing right away out of nowhere.

plus, these types of words must be used very sparingly. you can watch porn and see it happening for an extended period but no one ever DESCRIBES what you're looking at.
seeing it on paper is another thing and you have to be miserly with the words.

i think my real turnoffs are silly, purple, flowery words (like the quarterstaff, loin-sword). "womanhood" - i skip right over that, because if i linger i get annoyed. manhood, etc., these are such silly vague terms.

i want to see the meat in my mind, i need to visualize with concrete terms. i hate it when he "slides into her core," fingers her "feminine heat," or "thrusts into her femininity."

makes me want to slap the writer for being such a coward. if you're going to WRITE and fantasize about a sex scene, then give us the sex! no euphemisms!

explicit! i want it raw and uncut! exposed!

oh and i dislike "cunt" unless it's used by a participant in dialogue in a really dirty way. if it's just thrown around like it's a standard word it doesn't feel right.

thmilin
03-22-2008, 03:44 AM
i just realized my title, esteemed new member, could be a dirty sex word:

enseamed new member
esteamed new member

ewwwww

DWSTXS
03-22-2008, 03:47 AM
every word mentioned in this thread will be used in my upcoming (there's another damn dirty word) new novel.
My new novel will be written in a new genre - Christian erotica

Titled: Stop saying that word while you're doing this to me@! (Or, 'Please take this crucifix out of my ***!)

Thump
04-08-2008, 11:12 PM
seen today: "main muscle"

... and it didn't mean his heart...

MargueriteMing
04-09-2008, 09:49 PM
From another thread: juice bucket. :e2drown:

mario_c
04-11-2008, 08:45 AM
Does little elvis wear a rhinestone coat?
OK that's the second time in the thread I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I need to cool off.
Wot no one mentioned THIS?
http://www.georgecarlin.com/dirty/2443.html
It's like a thesaurus. Just what I needed after a hard day at work. And other things that sound dirty but aren't.

GeorgieB
04-11-2008, 06:59 PM
OK that's the second time in the thread I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I need to cool off.
Wot no one mentioned THIS?
http://www.georgecarlin.com/dirty/2443.html
It's like a thesaurus. Just what I needed after a hard day at work. And other things that sound dirty but aren't.


Speaking of thesaurii (plural, I just made it up)... the best one that I've found is "The Bald-Headed Hermit and the Artichoke...an Erotic Thesaurus" by A.D. Peterkin. (Now that's the name for an erotic author!).

I use the thesaurus for all my erotic writing, finding such words as "purple-veined tonsil tickler", "salami sausage" and "foaming beef probe" for the male appendange; "black badger", "center of joy" and "naughty bits" for the female; and "amorous congress" (NOT a description of the current crop of idiots in Washington), "bit of a cuddle" and "hot roll with cream" to describe the "act".

My to-be-edited pile contains "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, a Fractured Fairy Tale"---the story of what really happened when Snow White met those horny fellows, was written exclusively using words found in this thesaurus. I think it improved my sensual writing immensly.

Pick up a copy...it's a hoot.

Now back to my regular schedule.

WittyandorIronic
04-19-2008, 07:42 AM
HA!! The whole thread was absolutely hilarious. I don't personally object to any word, as long as it is fitting with the mood and characters. Even the word penis can jar me out of a story if it is misplaced.
I have a girlfriend who calls her vagina (or vulva...whatever, lol) her cookie. This led to a hilarious interlude in which an innocent male coworker asked if I was going to finish my cookie, cause he just LOVED grandma's cookie (the brand) and if I was done he wanted it. He was so confused when all the women in the office just about fell out of their chairs laughing. We kept urging him on. "So how many cookies do you usually eat at once?" "You don't think grandma's cookies are kind of dry?" "So do you always prefer grandma's cookies, or will any cookie do?" Man...... that was a funny day.

MargueriteMing
04-20-2008, 12:01 AM
Milk and cookies, mmmMMMmmm.

mirrorkisses
04-20-2008, 09:13 AM
I'm more into rough dialogue, but I might add that if you have never seen a manhood throb, you just aren't looking.... I'm sure plenty women know what I'm talking about. I prefer to call it dancing, but if I ever read about a dancing cock, I'd be giggling.
btw, i tended to be more into literary sex scenes when I was a teenager and in my early twenties.... It just doesn't really float my boat anymore. good or bad??

kellytijer
04-20-2008, 09:40 AM
No woman at any time under any circumstance in an erotic scene should say, "Aye, Papi." Blarchf.

Hildegarde
04-21-2008, 04:37 AM
Yep, the good ones throb, kiddos!

There is blood flow in there, after all (quite a lot if you're doing it right).

Ummm (blush) you can feel it right there in your hand (and other places) if you don't want to just watch it dance!

PS - my "gross me" word is cunt. I would never use this in writing unless I was using it for negative affect (the kind one MC will not forgive the other for). I am aware that some people try to turn this into a whole empowerment thing, but if anyone uses that word to describe me I will NOT be watching them throb!

I'm more into rough dialogue, but I might add that if you have never seen a manhood throb, you just aren't looking.... I'm sure plenty women know what I'm talking about. I prefer to call it dancing, but if I ever read about a dancing cock, I'd be giggling.
btw, i tended to be more into literary sex scenes when I was a teenager and in my early twenties.... It just doesn't really float my boat anymore. good or bad??

Hildegarde
04-21-2008, 04:39 AM
From another thread: juice bucket. :e2drown:

eep

Voyager
04-21-2008, 04:55 AM
No woman at any time under any circumstance in an erotic scene should say, "Aye, Papi." Blarchf.Damn, you're kidding, Kelly? I just said that to my husband about 10 minutes ago.

I've got a new one I can't take, though. I can't remember what I was reading, but the writer kept saying (repeatedly, over and over and over again) 'tall nipples.' I finally just put a bib on and tried not to drink anything while I was reading.

WittyandorIronic
04-21-2008, 08:17 AM
tall...? Wow. If nothing else, you have to give them credit for high-impact imagery. I don't think what I am picturing, some very oddly placed/designed nipples, is what they intended, but is very vivid! lol.

WriteKnight
04-21-2008, 08:42 AM
Wait... did someone dig up that Victorian word for cunnilingus??? What was it... gamahuche? gamauche? gamahauche??? I can't even pronounce it, much less spell it.

Where IS my copy of "Man with a Maid"???

Hildegarde
04-21-2008, 09:15 AM
Wait... did someone dig up that Victorian word for cunnilingus??? What was it... gamahuche? gamauche? gamahauche??? I can't even pronounce it, much less spell it.

Where IS my copy of "Man with a Maid"???

gamahuche (I think), or possibly with an accent over the e???

If I were reading along, I don't think that would gross me out, probably just stop me dead. Gamahuche? really, did I just read Gamahuche? LMAO

Also victorian - 'tipping the velvet' - that sound rather fine, though, don't you think?

WriteKnight
04-21-2008, 04:04 PM
Yeah, 'tipping the velvet' is a classic. Frankly, for period terms - I find "Spend" or "Spent" - to be a great word for 'cum'. It carries so many connotations. And I'm always reminded of the expression attributed to Balzac after every orgasm - "AH! There goes another chapter!"

Voyager
04-21-2008, 09:55 PM
Ahhh, and don't forget the good ole Marquis and his war cry of, "I discharge!!!"

WildScribe
04-22-2008, 08:50 PM
I am laughing sooooo hard... ACH!

donroc
04-22-2008, 08:52 PM
I am reminded of a joke based upon 1950s TV shows.

"There's a guy better hung than Peter Gunn."
"Who?"
"Meet McGraw."(said aloud of course) :D

dianeP
06-05-2008, 06:34 AM
[quote=Hildegarde;2281663]Yep, the good ones throb, kiddos!

There is blood flow in there, after all (quite a lot if you're doing it right).

Ummm (blush) you can feel it right there in your hand (and other places) if you don't want to just watch it dance!

quote]


Exactly what I wanted to say. Maybe you can't see it, but I know I can certainly feel it.

dianeP
06-05-2008, 06:35 AM
The worst I saw was "man-root." All I see with that word is a shriveled up, old carrot. I simpl like a good, reliable cock.

Lyra Jean
06-05-2008, 09:16 AM
I've heard the female anatomy referred to as a cooter. Not in anything I've read though. A friend of mine calls hers that.

Maryn
06-05-2008, 05:31 PM
rosemerry, The Daily Show had a segment some time back in which a straight-faced 'reporter' interviewed the mayor of a town which holds an annual cooter festival. (Apparently they're small turtles.) The mayor didn't seem to realize the intent was humor, which made it hilarious.

Maryn, who never uses that term in erotica--'hilarious,' I mean

Carole
06-22-2008, 06:54 AM
Holy cow, I can hardly catch my breath!! This stuff is hilarious!

I've read some doozeys. Some of my favorites, or not:

Downy fur (Referring to pubic hair. I swear, the guy was brushing the girl's pubic hair with a baby's hairbrush. That's just all kinds of wrong.)
Man meat
Throbbing member
Quivering lips (of the nether variety)
Caress (I absolutely loathe that word. It makes me think of soap)
Gyrate
love button
Pendulous

Good grief, there are so many.

Regarding names for the "hot box" (yeah, I hate that one too), I learned at a very young age that girly bits are called monkeys. I guess I was about 7 or 8, and one of my friends filled me in. Imagine my surprise when I first heard the expression, "Monkey on my back".

Jersey Chick
06-22-2008, 07:32 AM
I've heard the female anatomy referred to as a cooter. Not in anything I've read though. A friend of mine calls hers that.

I've heard that as well - from my husband. Then, one time, my dad came to visit (many moons ago) and he was playing tug of war with the dog, and kept calling the dog "cooter". I almost passed out with trying not to laugh.

CandlestickJay
06-22-2008, 08:46 AM
This is hysterical.

I've got a gay friend of mine who calls the vagina a "Va jay jay." It freaks me out. >.> I hate the word cunt too. There is nothing hot and sexy about that.

Jersey Chick
06-22-2008, 09:08 AM
Ooooh... the c-bomb. I have to be FURIOUS to utter that one.

Va jay jay - that's an Oprah-ism, isn't it? I can't stand that one - for cryin' out loud, Oprah, you're a grown woman, just call it what it is!! :D

Carole
06-22-2008, 03:50 PM
I don't like the C word, but it's not that its offensive to me - I just think it's an ugly word. Mr. Vagabond, however, HATES the word.

Captshady
06-22-2008, 06:36 PM
I've heard that as well - from my husband. Then, one time, my dad came to visit (many moons ago) and he was playing tug of war with the dog, and kept calling the dog "cooter". I almost passed out with trying not to laugh.

Well there's an extra laugh in The Andy Griffith Show now!

ShauntaGrimes
06-24-2008, 06:44 PM
I just read a book where the female anatomy is constantly (and by more than one person) called a 'channel.' Like the English Channel? I get a wet channel, but can they be tight? Maybe if a boat is moving through it. It just cracked me up.

The c-word doesn't bother me in some situations.

(This is my first post. I'm glad I found this forum!)

veinglory
06-24-2008, 06:54 PM
Welcome on board ;)

Soccer Mom
06-29-2008, 02:54 AM
Okay, I have a new one. I ran across this in an erotic novel this week:

"her river of love"

and

"the river which made her a woman"

Ew. I know the area gets wet, but it just shouldn't rise to river levels. I wanted to buy them both a round of antibiotics.

Captshady
06-29-2008, 03:06 AM
Okay, I have a new one. I ran across this in an erotic novel this week:

"her river of love"

and

"the river which made her a woman"

Ew. I know the area gets wet, but it just shouldn't rise to river levels. I wanted to buy them both a round of antibiotics.


ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!

soleary
06-29-2008, 03:23 AM
You must be Catholic.

Cranky
06-29-2008, 03:25 AM
You must be Catholic.

Huh? I don't get it.

SM, that was just...ewwwwww. ROFLMAO!

Rena Andra
06-30-2008, 07:32 AM
Very funny thread folks. I could have said something, a few pages back, but I'm still choking on my coffee!

ChaosTitan
06-30-2008, 07:42 AM
Va jay jay - that's an Oprah-ism, isn't it? I can't stand that one - for cryin' out loud, Oprah, you're a grown woman, just call it what it is!! :D

If Oprah uses it, she must have stolen it from "Grey's Anatomy." Apparently TV Censors say you can't utter the word "vagina" more than once in a single episode, so Sonda Rhimes (the creator and head writer) coined the term for the ep in which Dr. Bailey gives birth.

Thus, "O'Malley, stop looking at my va-jay-jay!" was born.

Yes, I remember dumb stuff. :D

Captshady
06-30-2008, 06:12 PM
If Oprah uses it, she must have stolen it from "Grey's Anatomy." Apparently TV Censors say you can't utter the word "vagina" more than once in a single episode, so Sonda Rhimes (the creator and head writer) coined the term for the ep in which Dr. Bailey gives birth.

Thus, "O'Malley, stop looking at my va-jay-jay!" was born.

Yes, I remember dumb stuff. :D

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/28/fashion/28vajayjay.html

She_wulf
06-30-2008, 09:51 PM
in the article just linked to was this:
...Technically speaking, the vagina is the canal that leads from the uterus to the outside of the body, a fact that has led both Ms. Ensler and Ms. Steinem to write that vagina — while not a word that should be stigmatized — is inadequate because it is not inclusive enough. It does not, they have pointed out, include the labia and clitoris, the nerve-rich locus of a woman’s sexual pleasure. “I’m hoping that the use of this new word is part of the objection to only saying vagina since it doesn’t include all of women’s genitalia, for instance the clitoris, in the way that vulva does,” Ms. Steinem said.Eloquent and giggle inducing at the same time.

Hats off to the writer for that one.

Captshady
06-30-2008, 09:59 PM
There's no wiki entry for va-jay-jay/vajayjay either, so if anyone is so motivated ...

Chameleon
06-30-2008, 10:04 PM
I really, really, really, really do not like the word cum. I also don't like the word ejaculate. I'm weird, I know. I just don't like those words in my stories, 'k!

Captshady
06-30-2008, 10:18 PM
I really, really, really, really do not like the word cum. I also don't like the word ejaculate. I'm weird, I know. I just don't like those words in my stories, 'k!

Got any alternative suggestions? I'm not a fan of the word cum, but I've never found a better one for ... it.

Chameleon
06-30-2008, 10:26 PM
Got any alternative suggestions? I'm not a fan of the word cum, but I've never found a better one for ... it.

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about alternatives. But that word just needs to be taken out dictionaries everywhere.

sct
08-26-2008, 09:23 PM
I can understand people's dislike for certain words. It's like hating some vegetables. Some people like 'em, some people don't.

In my own life, I have cum now and again and really enjoyed it. I have ejaculated too, but it wasn't as much fun. I have achieved orgasm, but then my old sex ed teacher keeps showing up. I don't think she knew how to cum. I may be judging her too harshly.

dclary
04-28-2010, 02:07 AM
Disagree. You need "cum."

Everyone knows what it is. It's vulgar in the latin sense -- it's a common word, understood for what it represents.

"Cumming" could easily be "Coming" if you wanted.

But "he shot his cum across her face, smirked as she wiped it with her hands and licked her palms, eyes locked on his" just doesn't sound the same with other alternatives:

jizz
splooge
man gravy
seminal explosion

scarletpeaches
04-28-2010, 02:10 AM
You forgot bollock yoghurt.