Bit of fun...can you suggest a title?

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As most of you know by now, I work part-time in a department store. Most of the guys I work with are great; one or two are...well, chumps. So, being a mature, loving Christian woman, I've decided...

...to bite back, by writing a sexually-deviant, explicit, bonkbusting tell-all expose of life as a sales adviser. Obviously not based on my own experience, of course, being a mild-mannered, moral, celibate, teetotal innocent. I mean, based on my observances while working in this place.

Two and a half weeks until my contract runs out and I don't have a plot. Well, I don't outline anyway so that's no matter. All I usually need is an inciting incident or situation, and some characters. Characters I have plenty! Characters? I've got them coming out of my ears! I just don't have an inciting incident. Or a destination/conclusion to aim for.

Or a title.

So.

I'm thinking Jilly Cooper. Jackie Collins. A dash of Anita Shreve to make it appear literary and the cache of a Penny Vincenzi.

Can anyone think of a suggestive, fruity title that would make Borders-browsers think, "Ooh - I must read this book; it sounds entertaining!"?

Just think department store, lots of staff, plenty of opportunity for socialising outside of hours...hilarity, I think you'll agree, will prevail.

What? What? There's no point in being a writer if you can't use your God-given talent to be vindictive!

And yet...the only titles I can come up with so far have been a bit pants.

So I need help.

Don't say it. :D

No, really...I have a list of words and phrases that sound like titles, and nothing suits. So over to you!
 
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That reminds me of the time I spoke to one of the guys from security and asked how it was going.

He said, "Oh, I've just been in women's knickers."

*ahem*
 

Ziljon

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Give us some more of the lingo. You said something in another post, I forget which now, about reporting damaged goods. There was an acronym for it. It was new to me.

That shop talk is what makes a good title. So share some of them words with us.
 
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Give us some more of the lingo. You said something in another post, I forget which now, about reporting damaged goods. There was an acronym for it. It was new to me.

That shop talk is what makes a good title. So share some of them words with us.

FDG? It stands for, I assume, faulty/damaged goods.

Uh...shop talk? I've been thinking of all the different departments and so far I've come up with:
  • Womenswear
  • Menswear
  • Women's accessories
  • Men's accessories
  • Childrenswear
  • Home
  • Gifts
  • Cosmetics
  • Lingerie
  • Concessions
  • Food Services
  • Visual
  • Housekeeping
  • Security
  • Admin
  • Loading Bay
I can't think of any other acronyms besides FDG. I need a phrase that's something to do with selling or trading, or shopping. Hmm...

*strokes chin thoughtfully*
 
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I am neither psychotic, nor a cosmetics girl. :D But hey, I can lie, right?
 

Vincent

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Has Are You Being Served? already been taken?

Not for years. Who would even remember?

You might also try;

Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em

George and Mildred

Dad's Army
 

benbradley

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FDG? It stands for, I assume, faulty/damaged goods.
Reminds me of all the eBay abbreviations used in clothing: NWT, New With Tags, NWOT, New WithOut Tags,...
*strokes chin thoughtfully*

Hmm, only thing that comes to mind is "Caught In The Dressing Room." Or if that's not suggestive/explicit enough to catch the possible book buyer, "We Were Caught In The Dressing Room."
 
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I'll think of something. And even though I'll feel like the next two and a half weeks drag, no doubt, I'll treat it as research. I've never carried a notebook with me to work because I'm scared of someone finding it and reading what I've written about them! (Another reason to learn shorthand I reckon). But I've been scribbling down anecdotes when I get home, amusing things I've heard, notes on 'unusual' customers...like the guy with a huge forehead who punctuated every sentence by slapping himself in the head. Or the outwardly middle-class woman who looked very respectable and turned out to have called her young daughter Ocean, of all things. The wee girl ran off and mum had to shout after her and I thought - dear god, she looks like a doctor or a lawyer but she's a chav on the inside.
 

WendyNYC

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Getting It On in the Loading Bay?
Sex and Accessories?

I like working in the "Damaged Goods" somehow.
 

WendyNYC

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This sounds like a fun book, btw. Be sure to include that horrid woman and her daughter. And have them do something DREADFUL.
 

dobiwon

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Three title suggestions:

"And I'm Supposed to Help You?"

"Recognize Yourself?"

"Over the Counter and Through the Racks"

Seriously Peaches, this sounds like a good idea for a humor book. I hope you can pull it together.
 
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I'm really going to go to town on this one. They say that if you exaggerate a person's quirks in a book, they don't recognise themselves - or think, "No...she can't mean me. I'm not that bad, surely?!" Their pride won't let them see themselves in any character. So I may as well play it up, eh?

Once I have the inciting incident and a vague idea of where I want the book to end up, I'll be good to go. I'm the sort of writer who needs something that kicks off the action and a destination. How I get there, I never know when I start writing, but it's a method that's worked for me so far.
 

benbradley

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Maybe more of a subtitle than a title: "The customer turned out to be Damaged Goods. She named our love child Ocean."
 
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I can't wait for seun to read this thread. He'll go off on one of his chavrants again...