Scene Transistions & Char.

[baki]

EDIT: Updated opening etc...Please critique etc..

Hi,
I've been having some trouble doing scene transitions, not sure the transitions are smooth. This is important for me to perfect as there are alot of these in my book.
Here's an excerpt of my work: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=84898


Also Do you sometimes feel the main char. turned out diff. from how you planned him?


Thanks

[SpookyWriter]

Hi,
I've been having some trouble doing scene transitions, not sure the transitions are smooth. This is important for me to perfect as there are alot of these in my book.
Here's an excerpt of my work: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=84898


Also Do you sometimes feel the main char. turned out diff. from how you planned him?


Thanks
Hi Baki,

I'm not sure if you are asking the right question here. I read the first paragraph of your posted work and I think the issue of transition from one scene to another is the least of issues. I would suggest reading a few books on how to write an opening scene (hook) and the basic mechanics of writing a story.

I'm not going to critique this work, but I will say that I would need a more polished example of your writing to help further.

Best wishes,


Beep! Beep! A grey alarm clock croaked cheerfully. THWAP! A giant hand came down and made ‘judgment’ on the clock, crushing it to pieces. A man rose from the bed beside the alarm clock; he scratched his head and looked at the alarm clock and sighed “Oh crap. Not again.” The man was about 5” 11 and had dark blond almost brown hair which was currently in a right state. He walked into the bathroom (which was part of his bedroom) and looked at the mirror above a discoloured sink which had turned grey. He quickly trimmed his moustache with a pair of scissors, while leaving the small beard growing on his chiselled jaw.

[baki]

Thanks. I was feeling really iffy about the opening as well. Could you elaborate as to why you didn't like the opening.

[SpookyWriter]

Thanks. I was feeling really iffy about the opening as well. Could you elaborate as to why you didn't like the opening.

I posted my critique of this paragraph. Here's my initial thoughts, but do go back and revisit the work you posted.

-----------------------


Beep! Beep! A grey alarm clock croaked cheerfully. I had a problem with the alarm clock croaking whether cheerfully or not. The opening scene with an alarm clock going off is too cliche. I think the first sentence should be more natural to the story development. What was so important about the alarm clock going off?

THWAP! A giant hand came down and made ‘judgment’ on the clock, crushing it to pieces. I'm not sure this will work since we don't have any sense of a person in the room yet. I think setting is important here and give us some idea of where we are at the moment.


A man (What man?) rose from the bed (We already know he is beside the alarm clock.) beside the alarm clock; he scratched his head and looked at the alarm clock and sighed “Oh crap. Not again.” The man was about 5” 11 and had dark blond almost brown hair which was currently in a right state. He walked into the bathroom (which was part of his bedroom) and looked at the mirror above a discoloured sink which had turned grey. He quickly trimmed his moustache with a pair of scissors, while leaving the small beard growing on his chiselled jaw. His eyes were a perfect reflection of the season, autumn. He quickly glanced at his watch and his face lost its colour when he realised what the time was. He quickly showered and then literally jumped down the stairs and sprinted into the kitchen.
He was greeted by a little girl. She had long ebony hair which went past her shoulders and jade green eyes.



I think you need to break up this opening scene so we (readers) have a better understanding of what is going on. Why did the "man" smash the alarm clock? But to tell you the truth, I wasn't getting into the action here and think you can expand a lot on the opening.

The paragraph to open a story, chapter, or scene needs to keep the reader engaged in the story. I didn't see a story here but a description of some events which tell me what is going on. But a story should show me the events as they transpire so I can imagine for myself what else is happening at the moment.

I want to become engaged early in a story. However, I didn't find a story here or an opening that interested me enough to continue reading.

I would consider rewriting the opening, break up the scene into logical paragraphs, and focus on the grammar.

Best wishes,

[Church Lady]

I'm new here, and just perusing through.

I won't comment on the transition because something else is standing out--you begin a lot of sentences with a pronoun. Try to mix it up a bit. Also, there are many places where you are 'telling' instead of 'showing.' For example, describing the principal's bald spot. You could instead say something like: Kenshi could almost see his reflection on Principal Soand So's head.

A very good start. I hope these two comments are helpful.

Good luck!

[baki]

Thanks, Thanks alot. I think you already know but I'm actually a rookie, rookie writer. When writing a story I see the scenes in my head and try to translate that into to words but the problem is I don't translate enough to create a clear picture for the reader. When I read it I don't see this because I've already got the picture in my head.
I will post an improved opening ASAP. But I wanted to ask whether you enjoyed the dialogue?

Thanks
PS: Did I mention that I love you guys. :D

[SpookyWriter]

Kenshi could almost see his reflection on Principal Soand So's head.The sun reflected off of Principal So's head and reminded him of how much time he lost thinking of his studies instead of ...

Here we have loss of hair as a simile to time. I like to avoid using direct references to a physical attribute whenever possible.

[SpookyWriter]

Thanks, Thanks alot. I think you already know but I'm actually a rookie, rookie writer. When writing a story I see the scenes in my head and try to translate that into to words but the problem is I don't translate enough to create a clear picture for the reader. When I read it I don't see this because I've already got the picture in my head.
I will post an improved opening ASAP. But I wanted to ask whether you enjoyed the dialogue?

Thanks
PS: Did I mention that I love you guys. :DBaki,

Story telling is an art form. If you have a story to tell then it has a beginning, middle, and ending. Practice telling oral stories first and then begin to write them down.

I always say that good story telling begins when you can convince a total stranger some event actually happened. That's why I like to get outside and mix it up with complete strangers. I'll sit in a pub or somewhere and just make up a story.

Good luck and keep writing!

[baki]

Thanks.
Does anyone have comments on the dialogue though. Is it natural of foced?

[Bufty]

Baki, how would you react if I told you the dialogue was funny?
How would you react if I told you it was stupid?
How would you react if I said you are a rookie rookie and you simply need to practise practise practise and read read read?
Take your pick - and keep practising.

[baki]

1)Baki, how would you react if I told you the dialogue was funny?
2)How would you react if I told you it was stupid?
3)How would you react if I said you are a rookie rookie and you simply need to practise practise practise and read read read?
Take your pick - and keep practising.
1) Ask you why you found it funny and ask how you think I could improve.
2) I would redo everything then ask again.
3)LOL. I would take that advice.

PS: is it really that bad?

[Church Lady]

Maybe I shouldn't jump into this because I new to this board. But that wasn't very constructive.

You don't have to heap on praise if you don't like it. But you can offer something that will help a writer learn the craft. You have over 3,000 posts, so I'm guessing you're are not the newbie. Your advice could be quite valuable. If it's constructive.

[ACEnders]

Your dialogue is supposed to be funny? I'm sorry but I didn't see tht. I also think it's too mechanical. I'm not sure how to explain that. I think it's more a feeling. But I'm not published (yet) so take what I say as you will.

Keep writing! Good luck!

[baki]

Maybe I shouldn't jump into this because I new to this board. But that wasn't very constructive.

You don't have to heap on praise if you don't like it. But you can offer something that will help a writer learn the craft. You have over 3,000 posts, so I'm guessing you're are not the newbie. Your advice could be quite valuable. If it's constructive.

You being new to this board doesn't change the value of your opinion. Sure you may not be as established member of the community but that doesn't change whether your right or wrong.

Just my two Cents.

PS: I didn't get the post either. It hink it was supposed to be a crypric way of giving advice? I think? Who knows.

Your dialogue is supposed to be funny? I'm sorry but I didn't see tht. I also think it's too mechanical. I'm not sure how to explain that. I think it's more a feeling. But I'm not published (yet) so take what I say as you will.

Keep writing! Good luck!

Sorry I phrased my question wrong.
What I mean't to ask was whether my dialogue seems natural or forced. Nothing to do with FUNNY! Also could you give me an example of what you felt was 'mechanical' in my extract?
Thanks
Now I Need to edit that out now. :P

[SpookyWriter]

Baki,

I already pointed out several areas where you could use some improvement. If I were an editor, I can assure you that after reading the first sentence I would decline.

I believe you came here and asked for help with transitioning scenes and maybe character development. However, I now believe you are asking members to help with learning to write prose so that the story stands on its own merit.

Sorry, but the work submitted needs a great deal of studied learning and improvement before it is ready for marketing to agents or etc.

I believe Bufty was correct to say that you can improve the writing by learning from reading and practice.

We're not here to make judgement of future potential, but work submitted as appropriate.

Best wishes,

Jon

[ACEnders]

Forced...okay. I think the dialogue was the best part of it. Not forced. :-) Maybe you could add a bit more depth to it, though. Especially with his daughter. Have them exchange something that demonstrates their relationship a little bit more. Maybe add some dialgue while they're in the car. I'm assuming you tell more about this boy later within the story, right? Because with this excerpt I feel very confused wondering what's going on. But that's good because you do'nt want to give us everything at once! Good job!! :-)

[baki]

Forced...okay. I think the dialogue was the best part of it. Not forced. :-) Maybe you could add a bit more depth to it, though. Especially with his daughter. Have them exchange something that demonstrates their relationship a little bit more. Maybe add some dialgue while they're in the car. I'm assuming you tell more about this boy later within the story, right? Because with this excerpt I feel very confused wondering what's going on. But that's good because you do'nt want to give us everything at once! Good job!! :-)

Thanks. I too thought the dialogue was something I could be partially proud of. Everything else I knew was iffy. Thanks alot and good luck with your book.
lol, I might even pick it up if I see it in store.
Thanks Spooks as well. :D

[Bufty]

One learns the craft by first acknowledging that writing is a craft and it can take years of hard work to master. One has to read and practise constantly.

Submitting work which one knows is not polished to the best of one's ability, and asking a never-ending string of questions which jump from topic to topic, is not the route forward, despite the apparent enthusiasm.

There is much to be learned from this site simply by reading and using the search facility.

Maybe I shouldn't jump into this because I new to this board. But that wasn't very constructive.

You don't have to heap on praise if you don't like it. But you can offer something that will help a writer learn the craft. You have over 3,000 posts, so I'm guessing you're are not the newbie. Your advice could be quite valuable. If it's constructive.

[baki]

I've updated it with a new opening. Thanks for your suggestion. Would like your opinions on this new one now. Thanks. :D