The Sum of Somes

[KansasWriter]

Hey all,

I was looking through a flash fiction piece of mine that had been in the "to edit" pile for a few days when I notice a glaring irregularity in a paragraph structure. This is why it was in the pile: I like a few days to let the ideas simmer and the, er, problems to bubble to the surface. What a metaphor! Anyway, here is the paragraph:

The women were usually quiet or indignant; the men were usually arguing. Arguing or negotiating. Some pleading. Most took days to hand over their marble, some longer, some as short as a few minutes. Some never gave it.

So you will notice that I have used the word "some" quite liberally. My problem is this: while I believe I do have the artistic permission not to make complete sentences (ie: arguing or negotiating. Some pleading.) I then go on to make some strange sentences with the word "some".

What I'm looking for is a way to phrase this paragraph as it is with proper punctuation. Perhaps a semi-colon after the words "marble" and "longer"? Then an m-dash after the word "minutes"? Does that make grammatical sense?

The story is very choppy in its writing style. I guess another question is this: as long as the story is consistently choppy, can the grammar be overlooked for the sake of the narrative voice?

Other sentences:

But good try.
From its touch he knew.
Equal. What's equal? The market makes it equal.

Thanks!
KW

[FennelGiraffe]

The women were usually quiet or indignant; the men were usually arguing. Arguing or negotiating. Some pleading. Most took days to hand over their marble, some longer, some as short as a few minutes. Some never gave it.
While I support your artistic permission to use sentence fragments, I personally feel this example is excessively choppy. I also support the parallelism of repeating "some", but again, to my eye, you're taking it too far.

Setting that aside to focus on punctuation, though. With such non-standard sentence structure, it's impossible to talk about correct punctuation. I think you have to go with how it feels, what kind of impact it makes.

The comma after "marble" is weak; it needs to be something stronger. I think I would prefer an em-dash there, and possibly a comma after "minutes":Most took days to hand over their marble--some longer, some as short as a few minutes, some never gave it.
Hmm, I'm waffling on the comma after "minutes". There is power in setting off "Some never gave it" separately, if you want to emphasize that detail. OTOH, all the fragments earlier dilute the impact of using one here.

[Voyager]

Most took days to hand over their marble--some longer, some as short as a few minutes, some never gave it.

I like that, but you could also mix it up a bit.

Most took days to hand over their marble--some longer, others as short as a few minutes, while many never gave it.
Or sumthin' like that.

[SinkFulloDishes]

I actually like the last two sentences the way they are because the "Some never gave it" stands out as a distinct concept, rather than getting lost in a list of possibilities. But, perhaps that isn't what it is intended to do.

Maybe you could get rid of the first some that has nothing to do with the next two sentences:

The women were usually quiet or indignant; the men were usually arguing. Arguing or negotiating, or even pleading.

You should be aware that I tend to use sentence fragments a lot, so my opinion is a bit biased ;).

[KansasWriter]

Thanks for the opinions folks!

KW

[Doctor Shifty]

I'd get rid of the 'some' before 'pleading'. There is a descending word-strength in arguing to negotiating. 'Pleading' follows the descent quite naturally without the 'some'. Replacing it with 'or' follows your form. 'Arguing or negotiating. Or pleading.'

I'd also get rid of the 'as short as'. It's unnecessary as in the context the minutes are seen as very much shorter anyway.
If you wanted to parallel the form of the 'arguing' sentences you could change it to

Most took days to hand over their marble, some longer, some a few minutes. Some never gave it.

This form also allows the repetitive 'some' to survive more successfully.

Another thing to think about is the question that arises in the mind of the reader (me) on reading sentence 1 and 2 - "How many days (sentence 2) is longer than days (sentence 1)?" Refining this description would stop me from being distracted by unwanted literalism.

On re-reading, I would offer that removing the 'few minutes' phrase would make for better reading. The progression then is days, longer, never. If you need 'minutes' in there, move it to the front of the sentence.

Rarely a man would hand over his marble in a few minutes. Most took days. Some longer. Some never.

The action you describe is probably clearer within context, which I do not have. Hope my fuzzy-context meanderings give you a sense of direction.

[Bufty]

Seems to me the semicolon and the first period should be reversed. And to my eye, the fragment 'Some pleading' jars and maybe ought to be cut.

The women were usually quiet or indignant; the men were usually arguing. Arguing or negotiating. Some pleading. Most took days to hand over their marble, some longer, some as short as a few minutes. Some never gave it.