View Full Version : What if AW members had to continue Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy...

10-23-2007, 04:36 PM
....could we do it?

I'll bet we could...

10-23-2007, 04:38 PM
If there was a Star Wars type villian who wore a cape and trudged around ominously, but whenever he was about to say something sinister, popped off with some homespun homily from the Ozarks instead, I think that character should be named Darth Twain.

10-23-2007, 04:39 PM
Why are so many lawyers working on tort reform? Seriously, it can only be reformed into one word: trot.

Talk about overbilling!

10-23-2007, 10:19 PM
Why couldn't January, February, March, April, and May each have 31 days, and the remaining seven months each have 30? It would be a whole lot easier to remember than "30 days hath September...".

10-23-2007, 11:05 PM
Just once I'd like to see a romantic comedy where the female lead picks the guy she'd pick in real life. Sure, no one would go to see it, but it would make the world more balanced.

(My leetle Meerkat...is this "on target"? I have no idea...just trying to play along...

10-23-2007, 11:14 PM
Close, Jeanne. Jack Handey was the author of those little blurbs on Saturday Night Live, also published as a small book, such as:

"It's a shame that families have to be torn apart by something as simple as packs of wolves."


"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

10-23-2007, 11:20 PM
Boy, similies are something else, aren't they?

10-23-2007, 11:21 PM
It really makes me angry when I drive in my town and see signs that say "bump." More polite towns have "merge" or "yield" signs instead.

10-23-2007, 11:33 PM
I recognize the need for "Yield" signs; I just object to their use along Lover's Lane.

10-24-2007, 12:42 AM
When people cut me off in traffic, it makes me stop and think and wish, wish I had a Klingon bird of prey that would decloak and fire on the offending vehicle rendering it absolute ash, then I could relax and get on my way.

10-24-2007, 12:46 AM
If we elected a dog for president, it should be a talking dog. He should also be housebroken.

10-24-2007, 01:52 AM
It's tragic when people worth their weight in gold are skinny.

10-24-2007, 02:01 AM
LOL, okay, I clearly cannot compete! But you guys ROCK!

10-24-2007, 07:22 AM
multi-hued oreos, because the only thing missing from this perfect junk food, was artificial coloring.

10-24-2007, 07:31 AM
If everyone else jumped off a bridge, that would be a pretty big pile of bodies.

10-24-2007, 08:45 PM
If there was ever a fountain of youth, I think it should squirt Mountain Dew.

10-24-2007, 09:07 PM
Say what you want about "profiling" and "data mining." I just think it's nice to finally get some recognition. Just yesterday, I received a letter addressed to the Safe Driver at (my address) and one from the community college to the Ambitious Working Professional at (again, my exact address!). They really do know me!

10-24-2007, 09:13 PM
My wife says she likes it when we have sex, but I wouldn't want someone doing that to me.

10-24-2007, 09:14 PM
like this? No child left behind? Let me drive the school bus and we'll see about that!

10-24-2007, 09:25 PM
Sincerity really is the best policy. Whenever somebody who is talking to me says "Well I'm sorry, but I just think that..." and then they go into a long explanation about the way things should be, I stop listening right then. When they finish, I say simply: "You don't have to apologize to the likes of me."

10-24-2007, 09:30 PM
I bet if Shakespeare was lying on his death bed and suddenly realized that he could have just written free-verse poetry instead of sonnets, he might have been so inspired that he would have written a poem about his revelation, but he wouldn't have been able to decide whether to write it as a sonnet or in free-verse and before he could make up his mind, he died. So who's the stupid one now, Willie? Not me.

10-24-2007, 09:30 PM
When anyone says just kidding, and they've really said something insulting, I just visualize myself placing a call to the IRS to let them know that this person is defrauding on their taxes, then I go and do it, and to make sure they wind up in federal prison, I make cash donations to both political parties in their name with their address, accompanied by vitriolic hate mail. Then when they are dragged off to the federal penitentiary, I come to visit them behind the caged windows. When they pick up the phone to speak to me, I say, "Just kidding." Then I hang up and leave, remarking on what a wonderful sunny day it is outside.

10-24-2007, 09:32 PM
Because Halloween has been so coopted by retailers and adults, I've decided this year to serve something truly scary in the minds of most suburbanites, popcorn balls and carmel apples, all homemade. Happy Halloween.

10-24-2007, 09:33 PM
If bio fuel from french fries is good for the environment, why can't we run on it?

10-24-2007, 09:52 PM
I always wondered what the "Do Not Enter" signs really meant. I entered. Nothing happened.

10-24-2007, 09:55 PM
How do they expect to sell any of their snacks, if they have to be labeled "Warning: Dangerously Cheesy!" so prominently? Why don't they just change the recipe a little to avoid that whole FDA mess?

10-25-2007, 07:29 PM
I keep trying to come up with deep thoughts, but all I have are mud puddles.

But I think everyone else's are hilarious. More! More!

10-26-2007, 12:48 AM
Suppose you got on a train leaving Washington DC at 2:15, and the train's average speed was 65 miles per hour. And then suppose that, when the conductor came around insisting on seeing your ticket, you just stared out the window with a serious look on your face, and said "Don't interrupt me, I'm in the middle of a math problem!"

That would be pretty clever, I think. Pretty clever indeed.

10-26-2007, 05:22 AM
I think it’s nice when someone asks ‘if you’re all right’ when you fall but you should be able to smack them to pass the pain along.

10-26-2007, 08:04 PM
If being in jail were criminalized, then only the criminals would be in jail.

HAH! Take that 4th District Court!!!

10-26-2007, 08:41 PM
They just gave us our annual "Discrimination in the Workplace" training, and at the end of the class, they asked if we had any questions. I raised my hand and asked if anyone besides me thought the secretary in the first video was NOT a natural blond.

Now I get to see those videos all over again--they must want me to gather more evidence about my theory...

10-26-2007, 08:48 PM
For those of you who are parents, whenever any of your kids are scared in the middle of the night, claiming there is something or someone under their bed or in their closet, just do what I did:

First get the child a glass of water, to take their mind off the issue.
Then, tell a completely unrelated story--a fairy tale or perhaps a tale of when you were a kid their same age.
Then, tell the same story, slightly differently, so they get bored enough to start falling asleep again as you're talking.
Finally, ask if that made things better in helping them forget all about that monster under the bed.

From one parent to another.

10-27-2007, 12:45 AM
When I see my son walking home from school, wet, cold, miserable and utterly dejected, I drive by smiling and waving. That way, he'll be able to tell stories about his cruel mother on talk shows, get sympathy from the audience and sell more books.

10-31-2007, 08:37 PM
When aliens attack the earth wouldn't it be weird if they actually looked like aliens?

10-31-2007, 11:41 PM
When you feed your kids carrots, serve them on hot dog buns with catsup and tell them they are crunchy hot dogs, that way when you burn the hotdogs, you can tell your kids they are chocolate carrots.

11-02-2007, 08:28 PM
As I walked through the forest I could not help but think; "Where have all the friendly animals gone?" Then I realized that I was not in the forest. I was in jail, hungover and the animals weren't so friendly.

11-02-2007, 08:31 PM
I was told by my stock broker that everything was going to fine and that I would soon be rich. It was then that I decided to stop dangling him from the 47th floor window of his office.

11-04-2007, 10:08 AM
In the middle ages they thought the world was flat. But they had all these old greek statues with Atlas with a round world on his shoulder. I bet that made them scratch their heads. That, and the lice.

11-04-2007, 05:16 PM
When your friends says they don't eat meat because they're a vegetarian, ask if you can pull their canine teeth since they won't be needing them.

11-04-2007, 06:31 PM
What if AW members had to continue Deep Thoughts...
what I saw

what I thought:
Their heads would explode

David Conner
11-06-2007, 05:29 AM
Do clarvoyants suffer from pre-traumatic stress disorder?

11-06-2007, 05:44 AM
driving through cimarron, kansas the other night a dark cat darted across the street, inches from my tires. my heart stopped. the last thing i need is more bad luck. a black cat killed my husband some years ago and things have been going to hell in a h-basket since. so i chased the cat down. turns out he was only dark gray w/ black stripes. at first relief flooded over me---and then i realized that THEY were out of black cats and now were sending in the grays--s6

p.s.--this is a whole lot more true than you would ever want to believe.

11-12-2007, 09:55 PM
I remembered the time when I was hiking and saw a doe and wondered why they called it a doe. Then I saw its eyes and realized the evil heart and sinister bearings towards all of humankind. Suddenly, it all made sense.

11-13-2007, 09:32 AM
I always found it odd that people say "god bless you" when you sneeze. Last time someone said it I handed them my snot filled handkerchief and told them that god had blessed it, thanks to them.

11-13-2007, 09:40 AM
If you see a beetle in on your dog, does that make him Ringo?

11-13-2007, 10:47 AM
I often see people stopped in a left-turn lane with their left blinker on. I am glad they do this because I wasn't sure which direction they were going to turn.

11-13-2007, 10:49 AM
I often wondered what it would be like to play water polo. But it is so hard to get a horse into the swimming pool.

11-13-2007, 10:52 AM
If a chicken ate a frog. How would she describe it's flavor?

11-13-2007, 11:09 AM
If I traveled back in time and saw myself, I think I'd punch myself in the nose. One poke for the mistakes and missed hints and clues I've reconsidered over the years.

Oh, and one more just for Darla Karlpunski. I've been kicking myself for years over that night, so why not punch myself just once back in time?

Would it rend the fabric of time, or would it just rend the seat of my pants, like on that date with Darla?

11-13-2007, 08:17 PM
My mother once said she was going to knock me into next week. I asked her to put a little more effort into it and try to get me to Saturday.

11-13-2007, 08:41 PM
elderly surfer talk-Like man the buck stops here-wow like duh! Like dude I think it has like slidden to like a halt man. Like 65 cents starts here!

11-14-2007, 12:55 AM
I told my mother-in-law that I was baking cookies. She said she was itching to have some. I told her that flea powder would work better.

11-14-2007, 05:19 AM
When you cross a one-way street, stop looking both ways, it confuses the drivers.

Since recycling is important to the environment, we should send our belly button lint to sewing factories so they can make sweaters out of them.

11-14-2007, 06:53 AM
Since carbon dioxide causes global warming, politicians can do their part best by not breathing.

11-14-2007, 08:16 AM
The major holiday for November is Thankgiving. It would stand to reason that December's should be called, 'Thanksgetting' instead.


11-14-2007, 08:02 PM
One's a burro, and one's a burrow. With a W. So why does everyone keep saying that I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground?

11-14-2007, 08:46 PM
When I made an engraved plaque with the rear of a feline pasted upon it, I told folks it was my catastrophe.


11-16-2007, 09:14 PM
Many good folks are confused about just what in tarnation "tipping point" means, when really it's just that event horizon for change versus time progressions, beyond which the flow becomes both irreversably unidirectional and exponential.

11-16-2007, 09:31 PM
Recently my high school has had several faculty meetings focusing on bullying and how to identify and prevent the problem among the students. I am thinking that we should re instill our original values in our students. Lets take bullying away from the kids and give it back to the teachers!---s6

11-16-2007, 09:53 PM
Did doctors in ancient Rome call IV's fours?

11-16-2007, 10:35 PM
That reminds me: how did the movie Caligula earn a rating of "Thirty?" It wasn't that good, more like a collection of gratuitous sex scenes and the like...

11-17-2007, 02:51 AM
Last spring I woke the kids, "THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!" then when they started crying, I smiled and said "April Fools, who wants pancakes?"

11-26-2007, 08:37 AM
It's dangerous to live by popular wisdom. "As easy as taking candy from a baby" -- my foot. I found out that sixteen out of seventeen babies will howl and scream like plump little airraid sirens if you try to take anything from them. Now I'm all scratched up and they won't let me ride the bus anymore.

Which brings up another pet peeve: breast-feeding in public. But my time is up, and my public defender is giving me the shut-UP sign.

11-26-2007, 08:51 AM
My friend Bob always said 'what you don't know can't hurt you'.

So one day Bob is walking down the street and a bowling ball which fell from the tenth floor landed smack on his head. So I leaned down to speak to him sprawled on the side walk and asked, 'that didn't hurt, did it?'

Liam Jackson
11-26-2007, 12:44 PM
Have you ever wondered why someone invented an expensive piece of equipment just to give a Twinkie a squirt of icing? They could have just spread a little icing along the top. No one would notice, or care.

I often wonder what the Twinkie thinks of that.

11-27-2007, 10:27 PM
Real one...Dizzy Dean was a pitcher. One sports writer claimed that the curb ball was an urban myth, an optical illusion. Dizzy replied, "Why don't you go stand behind that tree and I'll plunk you with an optical illusion!"

01-05-2008, 08:24 AM
If the WNBA was a sport, wouldn't it be on t.v.?

02-06-2008, 02:24 AM
I often wonder what the world would be like if there were only short school buses. You know, for the "special" kids. If all the buses were short buses, where would the "cool" kids sit?

03-30-2008, 01:27 AM
As a young child consistently seeing my dad immediately head to the refrigerator after arriving home from work, one day I inquired about his ritual. He lifted up his bottle, said "This is my medicine" and took a sip. I got sick a few weeks later and tried to cure it with his medicine, but I learned that I hadn't even known what sick was, until I found myself hugging the toilet later that day.

10-31-2008, 03:57 AM
The use of English verbs confuse me, I just don't know why...
Maybe some of you can help me, and tell me the reason why...

We say: See Saw Seen...,
Why not: Be Baw Been...?
Or even: Pee Paw Peen...?

Some say: Run Ran Run...,
What about: Jump Jamp Jump...?

Many use: Fly Flied Flown...,
Imagine: Buy Buied Buown...?

If we all agree to: Sit Sat Sat...,
Shouldn't we consider: Shit Shat Shat...?

It's okay to use: Grow Grew Grown...,
And also: Throw Threw Thrown...,
But is it cool to say: Screw Scraw Scrown...?

10-31-2008, 11:59 PM
Sometimes i think about what a beautiful world it would be if everyone on earth had a Twinkie. Just a simple Twinkie. Oh, an in that Twinkie, along with the cream filling, there's a clown.