An opening scene(2nd revision)

[Caroyles]

This time I focused more on Ally's psychological problem. Action lines may still be weak and so are the dialogues. I am still trying to kick the habit of thinking 2 languages and write at the same time.

Thanks for reading/commenting.


FADE IN:

INT. FABER'S HOUSE, ALLY'S ROOM - NIGHT

ALLY MYSTIC, 21, unkempt, lifeless yet good-looking. She packs
the last piece of clothing, shuts the bag and zips it with ease.

A diary is placed next to the bag. She picks it up and look at
it for a moment. There's an envelope sticking out of the diary.

ALLY
I am not going to change my mind...am I?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. FABER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT

The bathroom is dimly lit. Ally stares at the mirror. A long
awkward silence filled the space. Ally suddenly speaks.

ALLY
I flunk my exams again... I don't get it I
mean I studied. I make sure everything was
right. Why...why did it happened again?
(a beat)
Is this your doing?... Damn you god, what is it
that you want from me? Can't I shape my own
destiny for once?

A reflection appears behind Ally's reflection. But this one is a
man. He enshrouds himself in black, revealing only a devilish
smirk.

DELLE
He won't let you. Even if he does, I won't
allow it too.

A devilish laugh spooks the atmosphere.

ALLY
Why are you doing this to me?

DELLE
Don't you get it, you come here to suffer.

Ally's reflection speaks abruptly.

ELLE
Stop it Delle.

DELLE
Come on Elle, you know I can't stop it.

ALLY
I want to break free from you...

DELLE
How are you going to do that when you can't
even handle reality...

A devilish laugh echoes the bathroom as the man slowly dissolves
from the mirror.

In a fit of anger, Ally smashes the mirror only to realize
that...

the running water has overflowed from the sink and damps her
feet. She snaps out of it instantly and turns the tap. The water
stops flowing.

The bathroom is now brightly lit. Ally sighs and looks at the
mirror. It is still intact. A frail expression reflects on her.

A KNOCK on the door.

SKYLAND
Lily, I need to pee.

The KNOCK startled Ally. She takes a moment to recompose herself.

ALLY
Does it have to be in this bathroom?

SKYLAND
Yes.

ALLY
I am a bit busy right now.

SKYLAND
If I wait, I will pee in my pants.
(a beat)
Please.

ALLY
Oh great.

Ally drains the water hastily. She uses a towel to cover up the
wet floor. Done. She opens the door to reveal
SKYLAND FABER, 10 an innocent-looking kid. He holds a teddy monkey on his left hand.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

He enters the bathroom. Ally is just about to leave when...

SKYLAND
Wait.

ALLY
What?

Skyland simply stares.

ALLY
Ok...ok I will stay here.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

Skyland closes the bathroom door. Ally stands outside.

SKYLAND(OS)
Are you there?

ALLY
(reluctantly)
Yes.

SKYLAND(OS)
Ok.

There's a moment of silence.

SKYLAND(OS)
Oh crap!

ALLY
What now?

SKYLAND(OS)
My pee won't come out.

ALLY
And?

SKYLAND(OS)
Can you like whistle a tune or something so
that I can er...pee?

ALLY
No way.

SKYLAND
Please...My pee is choking down here.

ALLY
Can you stop exaggerating?

SKYLAND
(tries to whistle but fails)
I would do it myself if I can but I can't
whistle. Please...

Ally considers his plead. Soon, she gives in and starts to
whistle.

In a moment, a sound of water clashing can be heard. It's a sign
of relief.

SKYLAND
...You can stop now.

A flushing sound is heard. Skyland opens the door.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

An awkward moment.

ALLY
What? Do you have something to say?

SKYLAND
No...here, for you.

Skyland hands Ally the teddy monkey.

ALLY
(surprised)
Woah. Why are you giving me this?

SKYLAND
Well...we did make a deal.

ALLY
A deal?
(thinks)
Oh...the PS2 thing? I was just joking with
you.

SKYLAND
It's only fair that I keep my promise.

ALLY
But you don't have to.

SKYLAND
Man of words. A hard principle to kick.

ALLY
Well if you insist...

She accepts the monkey.

ALLY
Thanks.

SKYLAND
(firmly)
You don't have to thank me. The PS2 still
stays.

A quiet moment.

ALLY
(jokingly)
No it isn't.

SKYLAND
No?

ALLY
(jokingly)
Of course not. PS2 is like my life. How can
I let you have it all?

SKYLAND
Hey!

Without hesitation, she runs towards Skyland's room. Joyfully,
Skyland plays along and chases her. We...

FADE TO:

[randesq]

and work on that secret recipe in your own private bat cave. Your writing can improve in the same way anyone learns a any craft. Spackling pages on a board, looking for spoonfed commentary cannot improve your writing.

Can you get a Yale degree by filling out a form over the net? We can all appreciate how exciting it must be to post on a board and get all this terrifc feedback. But, you have to struggle with the material in order to see the light. I don't think this craft can be taught, it's a learned process that is self taught.

It's okay to struggle with the page, to wrestle with an idea in your head and attempt it on the page. But with the language battle, maybe you can get more out of the advice if you attempt a FULL rewrite on all your pages.

Keep working at it.

[maestrowork]

I think it might be educational if we could point out what's wrong with this piece. It certainly has problems, but it's not the worst thing I've ever read (try to read Altanta Nights!). I think Caroyle can benefit from knowing what exactly is wrong with it.

Just a thought. I may post a crit some time later. Right now, I need to work on my own s***.

[Joe Calabrese]

I think we should get past the language problems and deal with her scene's structure, character development and things we can help her with.

[vig]

we've helped her. optimus gave a major overhaul.

if we help her anymore we might as well write it for her.

she still hasn't figured out the cadence. every character says exactly what they are thinking. it's a talking heads scene that only pieces the skin, when the reader wants a compound fracture.

it's not even the grammar as much as it is the stilted prose

i'm ready to the throw the baby out with the bath water and she needs more salt on the lips and no more kisses.

vig

[Joe Calabrese]

Okay then,

For those who wish to offer constructive criticism, please do so under the guidelines of the forum.

For those who believe she is beyond help, change the channel. You have the power to not open and read this thread.

[maestrowork]

Whew... I just finished editing my ms. So now I have some time.

Again, please remember, this is only my opinion.


FADE IN:

INT. FABER'S HOUSE, ALLY'S ROOM - NIGHT

ALLY MYSTIC, 21, unkempt, lifeless yet good-looking, packs
the last piece of clothing, shuts the bag and zips it.

A diary is placed next to the bag. She picks it up and look at
it for a moment. There's an envelope sticking out of the diary.

ALLY
I am not going to change my mind...am I?

Here, the "ask myself a question because I don't see another way to show internal thought" is cliche. Besides, this is the very first scene of the film -- just doesn't feel right. It's better to show than tell. Have the character flustering around the room, packing, then unpack again, look out the window, or something -- better show us she's trying to figure something out instead of us telling us (talking head).

If you do decide to do a monologue... think about what a young woman would say to herself... maybe something like:

ALLY
I'm not going to change my mind this time. Nope. Not happening.

Then have her look at her suitcase and unzip it again... something like that, I think, would show better.

DISSOLVE TO:

No need to indicate Transitions.


INT. FABER'S HOUSE, BATHROOM - NIGHT

The bathroom is dimly lit. Ally stares at the mirror. A long
awkward silence.

I cut the verbiage such as "...silence fills the space. Ally suddenly speaks." Clearly, she speaks (in the next line).


ALLY
I flunk my exams again... I don't get it I
mean I studied. I make sure everything was
right. Why...why did it happened again?
(beat)
Is this your doing?... Damn you god, what is it
that you want from me? Can't I shape my own
destiny for once?

Dialogue needs a lot of work. It doesn't sound natural.

A reflection appears behind Ally's reflection. But this one is a
man. He enshrouds himself in black, revealing only a devilish
smirk.

If only his smirk is visible, how do we know it's a man? Also,
Please introduce the name of the character before you
use it in the dialogue.

DELLE
He won't let you. Even if he does, I won't
allow it.

A devilish laugh spooks the atmosphere.

Simply "He lets out a devilish laugh." Leave the emotions to the readers.

ALLY
Why are you doing this to me?

DELLE
Don't you get it, you come here to suffer.

You lost me here. Ally comes "where" to suffer?

Ally's reflection speaks abruptly.

Again, you're telling. Also, Ally's reflection has a name?

ELLE
Stop it Delle.

DELLE
Come on Elle, you know I can't stop it.

Delle, Ally, Elle -- my head is spinning...


ALLY
I want to break free from you...

DELLE
How are you going to do that when you can't
even handle reality...

A devilish laugh echoes the bathroom as the man slowly dissolves
from the mirror.

In a fit of anger, Ally smashes the mirror only to realize
that...

the running water has overflowed from the sink and damps her
feet. She snaps out of it instantly and turns the tap. The water
stops flowing.

The bathroom is now brightly lit. Ally sighs and looks at the
mirror. It is still intact. A frail expression reflects on her.

I'm still trying to figure out what that was about. Is that the devil? Is Ally crazy? I guess I'll have to find out.

A KNOCK on the door. It startles Ally. She takes a moment to recompose herself. It's her brother, SKYLAND, 10.

Again, introduce character first before he speaks.

I move the "startles" line here. Makes more sense here.

SKYLAND (O.S.)
Lily, I need to pee.

It's still an INT. shot of the bathroom. It should be an O.S.

ALLY
Does it have to be in this bathroom?

SKYLAND
Yes.

Doesn't make sense. I'd cut the above two lines.

ALLY
I am a bit busy right now.

Instead have her say, "Go way, I'm busy."

SKYLAND
If I wait, I will pee in my pants.
(beat)
Please.

Dialogue's really off here. Again, it's all O.S. for Skyland

ALLY
Oh great.

Ally drains the water hastily. She uses a towel to cover up the
wet floor. She opens the door. SKYLAND stands at the door, holding a stuffed monkey in his hand.

I rewrote a bit here. A few things... there's no such thing as a teddy monkey. If it's not important, no need to say left or right hand. A kid is usually innocent-looking... describe him only if he's unusual (like he looks like a devil on drugs). Last, I'm not sure how many 10 year old still drags their stuffed toy to the bathroom.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

He enters the bathroom. Ally is just about to leave when...

SKYLAND
Wait.

ALLY
What?

Skyland simply stares.

ALLY
Ok...ok I will stay here.

"Stay here" sounds like Ally is going to stay and watch Skyland pee!

SKYLAND
Thanks.

Skyland closes the bathroom door. Ally stands outside.

There should be a new scene here:

INT. HALLWAY, OUTSIDE BATHROOM
Ally stands outside while Skyland is inside doing his business.

SKYLAND (O.S)
Are you still there?

ALLY
Yes.

SKYLAND (O.S)
Ok.

There's a moment of silence.

What is Ally doing? It's better to describe Ally's reaction or what she's doing (tapping her feet, huffing and puffing, what?) than say "moment of silence."

SKYLAND(OS)
Oh crap!

ALLY
What now?

SKYLAND(OS)
My pee won't come out.

This is bad dialogue. I can't imagine a 10 year old saying that. "I can't pee" -- maybe.

ALLY
And?

She wouldn't say "And." How about "so?"

SKYLAND(OS)
Can you like whistle a tune or something so
that I can er...pee?

He just said crap and pee and he's now embarrassed to say pee? At this point this scene is just bizarre (I'll comment later).

ALLY
No way.

SKYLAND
Please...My pee is choking down here.

Oh, please, that's too much... must revise dialogue!

ALLY
Can you stop exaggerating?

SKYLAND
(tries to whistle but fails)
I would do it myself if I can but I can't
whistle. Please...

This is too weird for me.... BTW, Skyland is still O.S.

Ally considers his plead. Soon, she gives in and starts to
whistle.

In a moment, a sound of water clashing can be heard. It's a sign
of relief.

Sound of water clashing? Just say "We can hear Skyland urinate..."

SKYLAND
...You can stop now.


A flushing sound is heard. Skyland opens the door.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

Shouldn't Skyland come out of the bathroom now?


An awkward moment.

ALLY
What? Do you have something to say?

SKYLAND
No...here, for you.

I have no idea what all this mean.


Skyland hands Ally the monkey.

ALLY
(surprised)
Woah. Why are you giving me this?

On the nose dialogue. Try "What is this?" or "what?"

SKYLAND
Well...we did make a deal.

"We made a deal."

ALLY
A deal?
(thinks)
Oh...the PS2 thing? I was just joking with
you.

SKYLAND
It's only fair that I keep my promise.

ALLY
But you don't have to.

SKYLAND
Man of words. A hard principle to kick.

ALLY
Well if you insist...

She accepts the monkey.

ALLY
Thanks.

SKYLAND
(firmly)
You don't have to thank me. The PS2 still
stays.

A quiet moment.

ALLY
(jokingly)
No it isn't.

SKYLAND
No?

ALLY
(jokingly)
Of course not. PS2 is like my life. How can
I let you have it all?

SKYLAND
Hey!

Without hesitation, she runs towards Skyland's room. Joyfully,
Skyland plays along and chases her. We...

FADE TO:[/QUOTE]

I'm not going to go through the dialogue here. But basically your dialogue needs a lot of work -- you really need to listen to how people talk, and how a 21yo and a 10yo would say to each other. Right now, Skyland sounds like he's 6 and Ally sounds like she's 12.

Also, really don't know what the purpose of these two scenes is. What are you trying to accompish here, in terms of plot and character? Perhaps if you tell us what you're aiming for, we'd have a better idea. Right now, I have no sense of story movement. We jump from her packing her clothes to having a crazy moment in the bathroom to a kind of creepy thing going with the boy (having his adult sister whistling while he pees). My question is, what do you want to accomplish in these scenes?

Hope this helps.

[Caroyles]

Thank you for your time maestrowork. Maybe my confession reply will make more sense to why I write like this? This will come in a minute.

[Caroyles]

Ok, here's a couple of confession I would like to make. It may look like excuses or whatever you want to think. But I just feel that these should be out.

1. These scenes are part of a teleplay I wrote. Yes, you heard me. A teleplay. An hour drama(?) about a young teenage girl who always believe that fate has been controlling her destiny. I currently had 5 episodes in mind. I know all the possible critics that are going to shoot after this. Why do I know? It's because someone has posted a thread regarding on a TV idea and how they wanted to sell it. I see all these experts that shoot him down, indirectly, but I know what they meant.

Let me just put it down first before things get out of hand. It's a teleplay. And I do not have any intention at all to "whatever you want to call it" the teleplay. I love to write. I love to put my ideas down. But profit issues has never come into mind. I also never thought of becoming this "oscar writer" or whatever you want to call it.

2. Yes, english is my second language. Or should I say english is hardly my culture at all. But my guess is that most experts here have yet to watch Asian dramas. Why do I say that? It's because if you did, you will realize that most techniques I used are really what Asian writers used to write their scripts. It might be disatrous or sound like s*** to you, but it isn't to us. If you don't believe me, get hold of one translated Asian teleplay drama show and you will know what I mean.

I'm still trying to adapt this whole new english culture way of writing my script. I don't know if anyone feels that I put in effort. But if you did, I thank you for that. If you didn't, well...I suck. Are you happy now?

3. I have to admit that when I first come to this board. I was expecting a feedback like this one.
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=104042&postcount=23

Instead, I get things like go work on your grammar. Go learn the language. Write it in your own language. Get the cadences right.

First of all, how am I going to work on the grammar when I don't even know where my mistakes are. Believe it or not, I spend the whole freaking day combing out the grammar mistakes that people are trying to point out. I did manage to find some minor once. I fix it and ppl still say the same thing. Time wasted. Hahaha, I can only laugh myself for that.

Secondly, how does writing in my native language ever help in improving the script? Maybe it might work out for french or dutch or german, but it will never work out for mandarin. Why? It's because of differences in the culture, techniques and the presentation of work. They work differently. If you don't believe me, watch a korean teleplay, a taiwan teleplay and an american teleplay. After doing so, then you come debate my a** out of this forum.

Lastly, I think everyone knows this but look, I am not trying to waste your time. I see that doubleit(?) has been shot once when he asked for feedbacks regarding his shorts or screenplay. Some experts interpreted that doubleit is trying to waste the board time by posting an unrevised screenplay. I would like to say this. You're entitled the right NOT to help me at all. You helped me I will give you my thanks. If you don't, that's fine with me. Be selfish if you want, it's your rights. But then again, if you're doing it for the sake of attention, then it's your rights too. I know the fun of flame wars because I was involved in one a long time ago.

Ah all out...I guess I am going to be flamed or maybe ban. But guess what, I feel better after typing all these.

If you take the time to read it, a big thank you to all of you guys.

And last of all, I am a guy. I dunno why ppl keep interpreting that I am a girl. I mean think about it, would a girl actually write a scene about a relationship with a hooker? Maybe girls do in america, but not Asian.

:Smack: See the culture differences.
Or maybe it's just my nick. Hahaha. I am a sissy and I am gay :)
Happy now?

[randesq]

One armed outfielder who played in the bigs in the late 30's. Anyone can reach the pinnacle of a farfetched dream, but it requires tremendous work, dedication and an internal drive. Forget about making excuses to internet people and start reading scripts at drewscriptorama or simply write and concentrate on writing pages and educating yourself the way you need to.

It's almost time for tough love.

[vig]

i'm the one who said you were a girl. there are so many girls, i just lumped you in. really though, it's pretty obvous you are a guy simply by looking at the material.

your main character is a guy, he loves a hooker, no way a girl comes up with that storyline.

this is a perfect example of the internet leading the torches to dr. franks castle. ou see it once, GIRL, then you're a girl.

i remember when i was 15 i shot these people, and then for some reason all the neighbors called me the murderer. you know what i mean, stupid stuff like that sticks. i can't go back to my neighborhood without people calling me a killer and things.

i mean i write, why can't i be called a writer? you know what i mean sweetie?

vig

[Joe Calabrese]

I am so confused and not gender wise either.

If this is an episodic drama, is it meant for US audiences or Asian?

I'm assuming since you are writing it in English then it's to be produced here.

I understand that there are vast cultural differences between us
and children talk more formal and say mother instead of mom, but if it's for a US audience, then it needs to conform to our culture, not yours.

If it's for Asian TV then why are you writing it in English?

I am so confused I'm going to bed for the night.

See you all in the morning and please don't write anything that will force me to close this thread.

[vig]

i'm totally cussing and degrading people right now joe, but i took all the words and i put them in wonder womens jet. can see a damn thing.

vig

[Optimus]

Okay, I won't comment on the grammar and language issues. I've lost that war.


But, when it comes to writing you writing this, I'm left asking, "why?"

You don't want to sell it? Okay...fair enough.

You're doing this as some sort of passion project? Just for the hell of it?

Again, I ask "why?'

I'd think if you really wanted to tell this story, you'd tell it in your own language.

You say that it'd be hard for you to write this in your own language and then translate it because of the extreme cultural differences among Western and Eastern cultures. I'm not entirely sure I understand what you mean by that, but it would make more sense to me if you were writing an Asian story about Asian characters.

Write what you know.

That's probably the best non-grammar, non-language advice I can give you.

You don't know Western culture, at least not nearly well enough to write successfully about it. That's not a slam; it's reality.

You don't know enough about the culture you're trying to write about. You dont' understand anything about the culture; its customs, its flavor, its nuance.

You don't know any of these things and therefore cannot write a compelling story. You can't "get into the heads" of Western characters adequately enough to write them well or realistically.

I'd suggest writing this story from your culture's point of view. Write an Asian story about Asian characters. This is what you know. You know how they'd talk to each other and act toward each other.

You understand that culture and have an intimate knowledge of it.

Write what you know.

If you are trying to write an Asian story, then you're obviously dumbing it down for the Western audiences, and it's not working. You don't know enough to write that kind of story.

So, if you're not going to write it in your own language, then you should write it about your culture, using things from your culture, and in your culture's pespective.

As an Westerner, I dont' want to read a script nor care to see a movie about what an Easterner thinks is a western story reflective of Western culture, when that writer has little knowledge of it.

It'd be much more interesting to read an Eastern story with Eastern characters ingrained in an Eastern culture written by an Eastern writer.

[Caroyles]

I suck at loglines. So I will just give a brief summary on what this whole stupid story is all about.

I do have a title in mind. Since many of you feel that I do not know the rules or ways or whatever of screenwriting, I will skip that for now.

It's a 1 hour teleplay drama(?) about a young teenage girl who believes that god is controlling her life because no matter how hard she tries, she never succeeds.

There's basically 4 personalities(3 including Ally herself) that manifest within Ally.
The introduction only shows three.(Delle, Elle and Ally). I do have a backstory on why these personalities were borned, but I guess that since I sucked so hard, you won't even bother to know more.

Ok, now for the idea of the opening scene.
Intially, I wanted the audience to have the idea on why Ally wants to move out. Then I thought maybe focusing her problems will grip the audience better. But turns out both way sucks real hard.

Then the scene with her brother is to portray to the audience that Ally had a good relationship with his shy brother. That's not shown in the first draft, but I thought the second did a better job. Turns out, it still sucked.
I would also like to portray that Ally looks normal when interacting with her family member. Again, not well portrayed.

Now for Miranda's relationship with Ally. I suck in english so maybe I should do it this way.

If you read the first draft, you will know that...
Jasmine is Ally's biological mom.
Bruce is Ally's step-dad.

As to what happened to Ally's biological dad, well I am still in the process of working this out.

Miranda is basically Ally's biological dad's sister. Thus they share the same surname. And many of you might think Mystic is an odd surname to begin with. But that's my intention. It's because I want Ally to hate her surname.

Thank you for reading.

Ok...ok I know. Same old s***, I will stop posting scenes for feedbacks and
I will go back to my own private bat cave now and rot.

Oh and Don't worry, I won't blame you if I do rot in my own private cave. No sarcasm intended. Peace.

[Caroyles]

If this is an episodic drama, is it meant for US audiences or Asian?
If it's for Asian TV then why are you writing it in English?


Ok here's the catch. The story setting in my head is basically in the US. But as to which audiences, I don't really know. Because I never thought that it will be produced. I mean look at the feedbacks I got.


But, when it comes to writing you writing this, I'm left asking, "why?"
You're doing this as some sort of passion project? Just for the hell of it?
Again, I ask "why?'


This is really a hard question. It's like asking why do I love my gf? Why do I love my family? If I can find an answer to these question, I will come back to you again. But let's just say I love to put my ideas on paper.


You say that it'd be hard for you to write this in your own language and then translate it because of the extreme cultural differences among Western and Eastern cultures. I'm not entirely sure I understand what you mean by that, but it would make more sense to me if you were writing an Asian story about Asian characters.

I'd suggest writing this story from your culture's point of view. Write an Asian story about Asian characters. This is what you know. You know how they'd talk to each other and act toward each other.


Unfortunately, turning this concept into Asian style is really very difficult. It's like asking someone to film Titanic, Asian style. Do you think it will turned out as good as the original one? You might think it's possible but I can tell you that it's never going to work out. I have seen some Asian directors converting some english movie into their own and none ever succeed. Yes NONE.
Isn't Resident Evil a very good example? I mean the american director of RE fails to capture the essence of what the japanese wanted it to be in their own vision.

The ideas I have in my head were pretty much westernised in terms of the story. It's true that the nature of dialogue still needs alot of furnishing, that's why I am here. But I guess the board has a strong belief that furnishing too much for the writer is like spoon feeding. I will respect that.

Optimus, that's the most pleasant feedback I ever had from you.
Guess the confession does help a little. Thanks for taking the time.

[Optimus]

It's okay, Caroyles.

I admire you for being fluent enough in English to even be able to engage in a dialogue on this board. Hell, I don't know the first thing about Mandarin. My spanish is rusty. My japanese sucks. But, you've gotten English down, which is one of the harder languages to learn, so you're doing better than me. I wouldn't know the first thing about the Putonghua alphabet or translating English to Pinyin.

However, I still think that (regardless of your English skills), that your problems lie more in your ability to tell a story. Simple story structure and story elements are not translating well in your pages.

I think this may be indicative of either not having a clear vision of your story, not being able to clearly outline it, or not having much experience in writing stories in this form in general. One of the reasons I suggest writing an Asian story with Asian characters in an Asian culture is simply to practice the art of storytelling.

Maybe you have and the real obstacle actually is simply in the translation. However, I think it's more than that because, based on your dialogue and how on-the-nose it is (expositional), your scene problems seem to be more a symptom of your storytelling skills than your language conversion.

So, writing Asian stories in your own language would give you practice simply in the art of storytelling. After that very difficult skill is mastered, THEN you could start to write English stories.

However, as a Westerner, I would find it much more interesting to hear a story about some Cambodian issues or about some kid growing up in Singapore told from the perspective of an Eastern writer, rather than having something about Cambodia or that little boy from Singapore told through the eyes of a Westerner.

You have insight into your culture far better than anyone over here.

As far as both Resident Evil movies sucking, I think that has more to do with the fact that the movies didn't hold true to the stories and the heart of the video games (and also very poor casting), than it being because a Westerner directed it.

Whatever you do, good luck, but please take to heart some of the advice we've continually given you.

Oh, and if you can hook me up with a hot asian girl like Ziyi Zhang that'd be great.

[Caroyles]

This post is to answer Ally's crazy personality. My intent for their existence

Delle is a personality that tortures Ally emotionally. He does not tell Ally what to do. In a sense, he motivates Ally to do the things she doesn't want to do. It's like she doesn't have a choice. In other words, he is sort of in control, although not 100% in control of her.

Elle on the other hand, is the like the guardian angel that keeps Ally from going insane. She is also the one that constantly drains Ally's courage so that Ally will be afraid of dying. Although, it is not shown in any of the scenes yet.

Ally is the core, the main soul of the body as we Asian would call it. She can make decision but they are often being influenced by Delle and Elle.

There's also another personility called the coward. This coward personality will only come out when Ally feels happy to destroy the certain happiness that Ally can feel so that the coward will not have the reason to show up again. I haven't sort out his goals yet, but I guess it's useless now that no one is interested huh.

I hope this would help in understanding why Ally had those crazy moments in the bathroom.

[randesq]

you keep coming back to the explanation of your story. What we don't see on the page (in script form) doesn't matter. What we need to see in the bathroom and on the page IS this information. That's the point Optimus and all the others are making. What invests us emotionally in your characters? What compells us to keep reading? What is different about the POV you give us. THIS IS WHY YOU MUST REWRITE on your own before you post a one minute polish. If all these important parts aren't in the page while you spend time on peeing, you'll never vest the reader.

Get rid of the fluff, start over and breathe what you need to into your characters. EVERY scene must push story along or reveal character, but hopefully both. You have to stop telling us what you meant when there's no hint of it on the page. You're getting alot of good advice in ALL your posts, but you're only interested in explaining everything we never see. Take a breather

[Caroyles]

I just explain the story to answer some doubts maestrowork has on my script.
Ok, I shall go back to my *private bat cave* again.

[maestrowork]

I think your story can work, if you explore more of the psychological aspect of the story. But there has to be a plot or movement or real characterization.

The problem with what you have now is that you immediately dump the information on to the audience -- they have no idea who Ally is, and suddenly there are three of her (in the mirror scene). We're lost. Then you follow it with a rather childish third scene with the boy. It doesn't work. A 21yo woman and a 10yo boy simply wouldn't do anything like that. OK, maybe in Asia...

Build your story slowly... show us who Ally is, give us some small conflict, hint at her psychological issues...

I know what you want to go with the Ally/Skyland scene. But at this point, I'm scratching my head, asking, what's it? I think the peeing scene simply doesn't work. If you'd cut that, and substitute it with something like Ally's making breakfast for Skyland, then Skyland gave her his toy monkey... that would work better (at least for the American market). It shows exactly the same thing (that Skyland and Ally have a fun, loving relationship) but more in tune with the American culture.

The peeing scene might work with Asian actors with an Asian setting. But if you want to cast with western actors in a western setting, your need to change the cultural references as well.

I know the cultural differences between Asian and American media. I was watching "The Eye" the other day and I thought it was boring. But apparently some people love Asian movies (Isn't Tom Cruise remaking it?) Or the Ring -- I think the original Korean version was boring (I prefer the Japanese and the US versions). But the reason why these films are popular and they resonate with the audience, Asians or otherwise, are the story and plot. There's a logical progression of plot -- take the Ring for instance. There's a slow reveal, cumulating to not only the big revelation, but also a big conflict (life and death).

So what is the conflict here? It just seems very trivial.

Your other problem is also trying to write in an Asian teleplay style but in English and setting it in the US. It's not easy to do. And probably won't work. It might work in Mandarin with Asian actors, but it doesn't quite work here.

Watch "The Grudge" -- while I don't think it's that hot a movie, it does give you insight on how to make an essentially Asian movie into an American one. The same Japanese writer-director did both films. It's essentially the same story. It's similar style. But he tweaked it enough to fit the American market better. Watch the original, then the US remake, and compare the scripts.

The Ring, on the other hand, is a good example of how to turn an Asian story into a VERY American story. It's essentially the same story, but done in completely different style. It worked beautifully.