Opening scene(revised)

[Caroyles]

Hope this one is better. Thanks for reading.


FADE IN:

INT. FABER'S HOUSE, ALLY'S ROOM - NIGHT

ALLY MYSTIC, 21, a good-looking woman who doesn't wear make-ups nor does she bother to tie her hair. She shuts her bag and zips it.

FADE TO:

INT. FABER'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT(2 YEARS EARLIER)

The Faber Family. At the dinner table. JASMINE(41),
SKYLAND(7) and ALLY. BRUCE(42) comes from the kitchen with a can of diet coke.

JASMINE
Don't you have anything to say?

ALLY
Like?

JASMINE
Like why did you flunk your exams again?

ALLY
I don't want to talk about it right now.

JASMINE
Fine.

They resume eating and...

JASMINE
What do you plan to do now?

ALLY
I don't know.

JASMINE
You don't know? That's great.

ALLY
I'm done.

JASMINE
I'm not done with you yet.

Ally looks at her Mom.

ALLY
That's too bad.

JASMINE
What's wrong with you Ally? You used to be a
top student, you used to be so cheerful,
friendly, and talkative. What happened to
the Ally I once knew? Where did she go?

ALLY
(a beat)
I don't remember being a top student nor do
I remember being cheerful, friendly and
talkative. I only remember....never mind.

JASMINE
Come on Ally, tell me. Tell me what is it?

ALLY
(sigh)
I will tell you when I feel the time is
right.

Ally stands up. Bruce stands up and confronts her.

BRUCE
Are you testing our patience?

ALLY
(a beat)
I don't wish to start another fight.

BRUCE
Be glad that we are not punishing you for
getting such poor results.

ALLY
You know...I really don't care if you punish
me or not.

Bruce slaps Ally on the face. Jasmine tries to stop it but she
isn't fast enough. Ally doesn't feel a wink of pain

ALLY
Can I go now?

JASMINE
Bruce, what was that for?

BRUCE
I can't stand her arrogance.

Ally stands up, preparing to leave. She moves towards the stairs when...

JASMINE
Ally.

She turns back.

ALLY
I'm getting a job. I'm getting a pay. Then,
I'm getting out of this place. That's my
plan. Are you satisfied now?

She heads for the stairs.

FADE TO:

INT. FABER'S HOUSE, BATHROOM - NIGHT(PRESENT)

Ally, lost in thought, snaps out of it. She looks at the
mirror.

ALLY
Am I doing the right thing?

No answer.

ALLY
Of course I am doing the right thing...I
really hate myself...

There is a knock on the door.

SKYLAND
Elle, I need to pee.

ALLY
(annoyed)
Does it have to be this bathroom?

SKYLAND
Yes.

ALLY
I am a bit busy right now.

SKYLAND
If I wait, I will pee in my pants.
(a beat)
Please.

ALLY
Oh great.

Ally opens the door.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

Skyland enters the bathroom. Ally is just about to leave when...

SKYLAND
Wait.

ALLY
What?

Skyland simply stares.

ALLY
Ok...ok I will stay here.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

Skyland closes the bathroom door. Ally stands outside. There's a moment of silence.

SKYLAND(OS)
Oh crap!

ALLY
What now?

SKYLAND(OS)
My pee won't come out.

ALLY
And?

SKYLAND(OS)
Can you like whistle a tune or something so
that I can er...pee?

ALLY
No way.

SKYLAND
Please...My pee is choking down here.

ALLY
Can you stop exaggerating?

SKYLAND
(tries to whistle but fails)
I would do it myself if I can but I can't
whistle. Please...I will let you take teddy
monkey.

Ally considers the offer. She accepts it and starts to whistle.
In a moment, a sound of water clashing can be heard. It's a sign of relief.

SKYLAND
...You can stop now.

A flushing sound is heard. Skyland opens the door.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

An awkward moment.

ALLY
What? Do you have something to say?

SKYLAND
No...I will put the monkey in your room. A
present from me.

Skyland leaves the scene. Ally enters the bathroom, stares at
the mirror and...

FADE TO:

[Joe Calabrese]

Caroyles,

Slow down. You posted an earlier version of this scene 13 hours ago. Let things digest before you rush to a rewrite. Think about changes carefully. There is virtualy no difference between the two samples, in fact, this one is worse in the opening descriptive action in the 1st two scenes.

I feel that your biggest and 1st problem to address is your command of the English language. I feel at times that I'm reading an internet language translation. It feels stiff and formal.

My advice at this point is to work on your english/dialog skills and do that (other than taking an English course) by reading produced scripts which are similar in nature/genre/theme etc...

drews scriptorama is a good free website for downloading scripts.

Get a good feel for spoken English before tackling this project, unless you want to write it in your native language and then hire a translator to convert it.

I hope this doesnt offend you and I don't want you to feel like you should give up. If screenwriting is your passion, go for it with all you have, but I have to tell you how I feel by what I have seen in your several posts.

Good luck.

[William Haskins]

hi caroyles,

longtime listerner, first time caller...

many others have mentioned the broken english, so i won't dwell on it. the primary liabilty of it is the sheer unnatural ring of the dialogue. but i wouldn't feel too bad about this, since even fluent butchers of the english language often write stiff and lifeless dialogue.

but, before moving on, i'll show you two little tricks that will help you on your way.

trick 1: reflect the laziness of language

this trick is very easy. acquire as many english-language magazines and dvds as you can. read and listen. note that we do not say "do not" when we can say "don't" . americans love contractions. that way we can fit more words into a conversation about how we're so much better than everyone else. when we do say "do not"; when such a thing becomes necessary, we say "do NOT", as in "do NOT touch my ***."

remember, contractions are your friends. a small list can be found here (http://www.johnsesl.com/templates/vocab/contractions.php). learn them, love them.

trick 2: reflect the informality of language

lines like "i don't wish to start another fight" are wooden and lifeless. they show no personality and are much too formal in their structure. this is where knowing the language becomes vital. but by reading a lot, you should be able to decode the formula (to some degree) to "dress down" language - find the casual and the conversational, the clipped syntax of anger or frustration, the obtuse runaround of the lie, or the shy.

another big limiting factor in not being fluent is not truly understanding how subtext can be achieved. this is your biggest challenge. you have people in the scene above talking at each other. they say exactly what's on their minds, they answer the questions that are asked them. oh yeah, and there's a lot of exposition.

especially this (yikes!):

What's wrong with you Ally? You used to be a
top student, you used to be so cheerful,
friendly, and talkative. What happened to
the Ally I once knew? Where did she go?

real conversation, and -- to an even greater extent "movie conversation" -- is all about subtext. conversation is a cat-and-mouse game. it's a game of wanting something but not coming out and saying it. it's hide-and-seek, it's being scared to say i love you.

this creates tension, it underscores motivation and theme, it reveals character.

your scene does none of these things.

what is the purpose of your scene? i mean, obviously the parents' motivation is to get their kid back on track, to figure her out in a time of great change, to understand.

ally's motivation is to discover who she is, and this manifests in her rebellion.

the potential for conflict and tension is there, but instead you've got this dull, lifeless back-and-forth without dimension.


-william

[35mm]

Since William and Joe have already said the dialogue bit I will comment on something else.

I think your opening scene is a bit too short for it to be an effective charcter moment.

This is obviously the moment where we see Ally the prostitute or whatever she turns out to be. I would like to see more exposition here. It's in important scene for this character. Make this scene matter to me!

Also you introduce alot of characters at once. Please don't do this for this will confuse the reader later on in the story. When a new character comes into play it's time for the proper introduciton. Think of introductions as being hand shakes. We do not only get to know their names we get to see what they look like.

However incidental characters can remain incidental.

Lastly the mirror scene was an intresting device but once again you don't need to say things that can be relayed through action.