GALAXY SAGA 1-5 (revised FEB 14th)

[GoneFishinJoe]

Hi. guys. Best to all. I'm looking for more comments. So far on the other board I've gotten some wonderful helpful comments, but the more the better.

Thanks for your time. <img>

Joe.

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EXT – EARTH ORBIT - SPACE
Earth floats in a sea of starlit emptiness.
It’s majestic and beautiful.

A silver and gold STAR-FIGHTER, THE ALTUS INTERCEPTOR, rises from Earth’s blue skies into orbit. It picks up speed, and rockets forward toward the edge of the solar system.

A pursuing EARTH FEDERATION FLEET follows. The ALTUS INTERCEPTOR spins to avoid incoming laser fire and missiles.

INT. – ALTUS INTERCEPTOR - COCKPIT
The silhouettes of a man and woman look out into space. RED and BLUE lights reflect off the fighter's windows.

EXT – SOLAR SYSTEM - OUTER RIM
The ALTUS INTERCEPTOR zooms past Saturn’s rings and
Jupiter’s moons, then past Pluto and rockets away into infinity.

INT. – ALTUS INTERCEPTOR- COCKPIT
BRYANT, a ruggedly handsome man, 36, compassionate but hardened by years of battle, wears a Federation Officer’s uniform several sizes too big.
ALEXA, 25, beautiful, confident, disciplined and kind is dressed in black.

The two fugitives are EX-FEDERATION MILITARY.

ALEXA
This is not quite like old times.

BRYANT
Yes it is. We're usally getting chased but not
by our own military.
How far are they behind us?

ALEXA
Sixty sub-light seconds.

BRYANT
How many?

ALEXA
200 Dragon Fighters, and the Command
Ship - Niagara.

BRYANT
Damn
Your father's ship.

EXT. – ALTUS INTERCEPTOR
The Interceptor gets hit by a barrage of laser fire
and concussion missiles. Shields glow brightly then dim to reveal carbon scoring all over the fighter's hybrid tensile superstructure.

INT. – ALTUS INTERCEPTOR- COCKPIT

BRYANT
You OK?

ALEXA
Yea...You?

Bryant rolls the fighter to avoid laser fire.

BRYANT
I’ve been better. But I don’t think they want you dead.
Just me.

ALEXA
We’ve borrowed the best
fighter in the Federation.
We’ll make it out of here.

Laser fire strikes viciously. The Altus Interceptor spins off course. Bryant struggles to regain control.

BRYANT
You mean stolen the best fighter in the Federation, don’t
you? Kiddo?

Deadly Dragon fighters close in for the kill.
The interceptor pulls up, reverses, and shoots them.
Pilots eject.

BRYANT
This is too much

ALEXA
We’re fine.

BRYANT
We don’t have enough fuel cells.

ALEXA
We’re fine

BRYANT
This thing had a few pieces missing
when we found her.

ALEXA
We’re fine
Relax, I’m calibrating the flight computer.
Everything’s fine.

The interceptor gets hit by a concussion missle.

BRYANT
And the FLEET shooting at us?

ALEXA
We’re down some
diagnostic arrays but she’ll FLY and FIGHT.
Just pilot us out of here.

The interceptor gets hit by a massive missile.

BRYANT
(on floor)
This is nuts, we're getting killed.

BRYANT picks himself up.

ALEXA
They don’t like traitors.
(beat)Sorry. I didn’t mean...

BRYANT
Don’t worry. I’ve been called worse.

The interceptor spins down wards and blows past an UN-MANNED NAV STATION. Laser fire hits the NAV STATION and it explodes.

BRYANT
Alexa – Can you please find the shortest
route to the worm hole, and divert all power to
boost engines and rear shields.

Alexa makes the adjustments on her console.
Another concussion missile hits the INTERCEPTOR.
Shields glow bright.

BRYANT
Fastest Route!

ALEXA
Be patient old man.

MORE LASER FIRE HITS THE INTERCEPTOR

BRYANT
Alexa. Fastest route!

***

INT - PLANET RYGAS - MINES – NIGHT

Aliens and humans work side by side in LORD PRIMUS’s mine in FORCED LABOR. Hot colored gasses steam up from every crevice and miners cough as they work.

MANTUS SOLDIER
Work Harder, you lazy ingrate.
You’ve never had it so good.

The MASSIVE ALIEN MANTUS SOLDIER pulls an old miner from his post. He smacks him over the head.

MANTUS SOLDIER
Faster old man, faster.

EXT – PLANET RYGAS – GREAT WALL OF RYGAS – NIGHT
Two moons shine over an ancient valley and the towering
spires of a black palace rise into the air.

LORD PRIMUS, ruler of RYGAS, an alien humanoid, 1000 years old, looks like a cross between a business tycoon and Attila the Hun. PRIMUS stands tall in his podium. The podium is built into the wall of a raised palace courtyard. A tunnel just visible behind Lord Primus leads to the lower levels of the palace

In the valley below, a regiment of MANTUS soldiers, in powered and shielded battle gear, stands at the ready.

Twenty meters in front of them is a mile long line of earth
people and multi-world aliens lined up against the Great
Wall of Rygas. The wall surrounds the palace grounds.

RUNIS SARK, a 10 foot tall alien, who looks like Lucifer on
speed. (aka. a SA-NEKRILL WARRIOR, and Master Assassin)
stands beside LORD PRIMUS.

LORD PRIMUS
Dear Friends, I’ve gathered you here
today to offer you a bit of a history
lesson – or a business lesson on running
a planet.

Lord Primus’s hands glow bright, and an energy field begins
to surround him. Those lining the wall are visibly
frightened.

LORD PRIMUS (CONT)
I can’t afford to feed you any longer.
You’re ill and you do little work.

Thousands of Lord Primus’s MANTUS SOLDIERS roar in
agreement. Lord Primus motions for them to quiet down.

LORD PRIMUS (CONT)
You’re becoming liabilities just because
conditions get a bit challenging here.

The line of MANTUS SOLDIERS cheer louder.
Some Miners against the wall try to run away, but with no
where to go, soldiers catch them easily and push them back
into place.

LORD PRIMUS(CONT)
Others toughened up.
Why can’t you? You’re lazy.
YOU’RE WEAK.

His SOLDIERS shoot their weapons into the sky, and the sound
is deafening. RUINIS SARK, the assassin’s, eyes glow red.

LORD PRIMUS smiles.

It’s time for you people
to become a part of history.

RUINIS SARK chuckles with a voice so deep it resonates
like the rumble of a volcano through the valley.

LORD PRIMUS
No need to thank me. Just remember this day
as the greatest day of your short unimportant
lives. I know I will.

Lord Primus turns away from the crowd, his arm raised,
And hands glowing brightly.

LORD PRIMUS
Never BLOCK progress on my planet.
It'll cost you, your lives.

***

EXT – A NEIGHBORING SOLAR SYSTEM –
Bryant rolls and banks the INTERCEPTOR smoothly through the
middle of a space caravan of alien pilgrims. Disturbed by
the fighter’s wake, aliens chatter angrily at their pilot’s
controls.

A large mass, the pursuing EARTH FEDERATION FLEET slows down
to avoid colliding with the alien caravan. A 300 ship dead
lock occurs. The Aliens are not amused. The INTERCEPTOR star fighter broadens the gap.

INT – COMMAND SHIP – NIAGARA
General Baccus, 50s, is Earth Federation’s MOST HONORED
GENERAL. He stands on the Bridge of the Niagara with a full
compliment of officers manning all stations behind him.
Another General stands beside him. General Baccus puts on a
headset.

GENERAL BACCUS
We’re very sorry for the disruption. We’re
chasing a fugitive, and we’ll be clear of
your flight path soon.

Baccus takes off his head set, and watches the Interceptor
fly away through the HEADS UP DISPLAY superimposed over the massive bridge space windows. He turns the heads up display off, and sees the traffic jam of ships in front of him. It slowly parts to let the fleet through.

GENERAL BACCUS
Damn Him. (beat)
Lieutenant Madden.

LIEUTENANT MADDEN
Yes Sir?

GENERAL BACCUS
Compile a list of everyone who’s served with
Bryant and who also has S-7 security
clearance. Understood?

LIEUTENANT MADDEN
Yes sir.

GENERAL BACCUS
Send me the list, and send a copy to
President Bradford. If BRYANT gets away
organize a meeting in the executive office.

LIEUTENANT MADDEN
Yes sir.

GENERAL BACCUS
Thank you Lieutenant. That will be all.

[dpaterso]

My humble opinion, etc. I am not a professional screenwriter.

EXT – EARTH ORBIT - SPACE

A fragile blue bubble floats in a sea of starlit emptiness.
It’s majestic and beautiful.

How 'bout saying EXT. EARTH SEEN FROM ORBIT - SPACE or similar so the extra word(s) let me know you're describing Earth as a fragile blue bubble? Which doesn't exactly match my mental vision of Earth, but each to their own. My point being, I wasn't sure if you actually meant Earth.

A silver and gold STAR-FIGHTER, THE ALTUS INTERCEPTOR, rises from Earth’s blue skies into orbit. It picks up speed, and rockets forward toward the edge of the solar system.

I couldn't help but wonder what this ship looks like, "STAR-FIGHTER" tells me nothing. Sure, I've watched Star Wars, Star Trek, Babylon 5, Andromeda, Stargate SG:1 and a whole heap of other SF films and series... I could mentally insert one of those ships into the scene if you want me to, just say so. But I'll think of you as a lazy writer. The following crap example is from one of my own scripts, just for fun's sake:

A spaceship flies through the asteroid belt. It's a RED
SPHERE bristling with SPIKES, like an old World War II sea
mine, or a virus seen under a microscope. One glimpse is
enough to convince us that it's an ALIEN spaceship.

...not too elaborate, just enough to deliver an image, I hope. And here's another one, included because reading it again today made me laugh out loud, I must have been on crack when I wrote this:

SVENSON'S POV: a warship, the WYATT EARP, sits on the flat
spacefield behind the dome. She's big, functional-ugly and
bristling with guns, like a porcupine with attitude.

(Wiping tears from eyes.) Ah, such fun. But crap examples or not, that's what you're missing -- what do your ships look like?

A pursuing EARTH FEDERATION FLEET follows.

And I wonder what these look like? Dots of light too far away for detail? Or something like the WYATT EARP above? Do tell.

The ALTUS INTERCEPTOR spins to avoid incoming laser fire and missiles.

Nothing new here, I've seen this scene before a hundred times. One nuke should be enough to wipe anything out -- if the blast doesn't fry 'em then the EMP will melt every system they have. If not, tell me why not? What should I be seeing that explains why a war fleet can't hit a single target that's within visual range?

EXT – SOLAR SYSTEM - OUTER RIM

The ALTUS INTERCEPTOR zooms past Saturn’s rings and
Jupiter’s moons, then past Pluto and rockets away into infinity.

You're giving me the distinct impression that you know absolutely nothing about your own solar system. The Gas Giants don't lie on the outer rim. Heading outward from Earth, and assuming you stayed on the Plane of the Ecliptic, you'd pass Jupiter before Saturn. Maybe Mars and Uranus and Neptune aren't aligned so no worries with missing them out, but Pluto is a hell of a long way away, what kind of speed is this ship doing?? Several multiples of light, seems like. Yet we still see recognizable planets whizzing by? Hmpphh, welcome to the Hollywood Sci-Fi Universe, where impossible imagery supersedes Einsteinian laws. Sure, everyone else does it, so why shouldn't you? Problem is, there's nothing new here, I've seen this scene before a hundred times.

BRYANT, a ruggedly handsome man, 36, compassionate but hardened by years of battle, wears a Federation Officer’s uniform several sizes too big.

You're allowed prosy leeway here since this is your introductory description but you've got me wondering how I'd know he's compassionate? This is something you can show when the time comes, so why bother including it here? Surprise me later instead of telegraphing the punch.

ALEXA, 25, beautiful, confident, disciplined and kind is dressed in black.

More of same, you can show her confidence, her discipline, her kindness later, so why bother telling me about it here? Dressed in a black cocktail dress? Dressed in a black leather combat suit? The color on its own says very little.

The two fugitives are EX-FEDERATION MILITARY.

Sorry, means nothing to me.

ALEXA
This is not quite like old times.

BRYANT
Yes it is. We're usally getting chased but not
by our own military.
How far are they behind us?

ALEXA
Sixty sub-light seconds.

I'd trim the smart dialogue to relevant essentials otherwise you take the tension out of the exchange. They're being pursued! They could be blasted to atoms at any moment! So I'd reduce the above to,

BRYANT
How far are they behind us?

ALEXA
Sixty sub-light seconds.

...tho' I'd have to say that "Sixty sub-light seconds" made me grin, sounds like Trek technobabble to me...

The Interceptor gets hit by a barrage of laser fire
and concussion missiles. Shields glow brightly then dim to reveal carbon scoring all over the fighter's hybrid tensile superstructure.

INT. – ALTUS INTERCEPTOR- COCKPIT

BRYANT
You OK?

ALEXA
Yea...You?

I think what Alexa has to answer here is,

ALEXA
Yeah... our shields took the brunt of it.
Any stuff that got through was absorbed
by our hybrid tensile superstructure.

...otherwise, how in heck can I possibly know what materials the fighter is composed of? Rough rule-of-thumb: if you can't show it, and/or your characters can't talk about it, don't include it. The extra detail is pointless.

The interceptor gets hit by a massive missile.

BRYANT
(on floor)
This is nuts, we're getting killed.

In this future, seat belts are a lost technology.

The interceptor spins down wards and blows past an UN-MANNED NAV STATION. Laser fire hits the NAV STATION and it explodes.

How can you convey the fact the Nav Station is unmanned -- or that it's even a Nav Station? Suggestion:

BRYANT
My God, they hit that Nav Station!

ALEXA
Relax! It's unmanned! No casualties!

...or not, shrug, but maybe you can see why I'd make the suggestion, same rough rule-of-thumb applies.

The Planet Rygas stuff was a hoot. If that's as intended, great!

EXT – A NEIGHBORING SOLAR SYSTEM –

Bryant rolls and banks the INTERCEPTOR smoothly through the
middle of a space caravan of alien pilgrims. Disturbed by
the fighter’s wake, aliens chatter angrily at their pilot’s
controls.

A large mass, the pursuing EARTH FEDERATION FLEET slows down
to avoid colliding with the alien caravan. A 300 ship dead
lock occurs. The Aliens are not amused. The INTERCEPTOR star fighter broadens the gap.

Methinks you might have to split this over several scenes and include many snippets of dialogue to explain to your audience what the heck is happening. And also, why the pursuing fleet can't just go around, over, under, the alien ships. Space is big, as Douglas Adams said, and it's also three-dimensional, not limited to two planes like a street junction. So your gridlock situation stretches belief beyond breaking point.

I'll remind you, this is my humble opinion. I'm a Sci-Fi fan, but not when it's presented in this paint-by-numbers format that damn near uses every familiar image and cliche there is. What this lacks, if I've not made it clear, is originality. Not just setting and action but also characters. I wanted to like it lots, and I very nearly did, but deja vu kept entertainment levels low. My fingers twitched to find the TV remote so I could switch over and watch something I hadn't seen instead. If you can somehow inject an original take on a very worn scenario, I might not be in such a hurry to change channels. Your mission, should you decide to accept it...

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[GoneFishinJoe]

Dear Derek P.

OK. I'm not going to address every thing you've said point for point. Cause you wrote so much. It was all good and quite funny, and you should write comedy. Perhaps you do. But your web page says science fiction books.

I also thank you for your comments on Done deal of an earlier draft of this. Again helpful and funny and much needed. Thank you for the time and effort. It all goes in my helpful notes section. Seriously I do take notes of comments I think are useful and helpful, and you've got quite a few helpful notes.

I will answer what the ship looks like. It's a aggressive chicken shaped space ship with yoke powered nuclear engines, and it shoots eggs at the enemy.
While on earth it's often followed by flocks of seagulls that comes in handy when it wants to cloak (become invisible.)

Seriously...though I'm going to have to write 110 pages of crap first before I can make it enjoyable, and get to know my own characters better and make them less cliché.

Sorry....but it's going to take time....so prepare for more mistakes.
I'll always look forward to your constructive suggestions.

Have your humour and wit hat on and be ready to give further suggestions on the next segment. Only if you wish of course.

Best to you, and read on, write on and enjoy!

Joe.

PS.

D.P Wrote: "My humble opinion, etc. I am not a professional screenwriter."
I respond, Yes Derek, but you are an experienced professional novel writer. yes? - so your points are well made and your 2 cents worth at least a dollar fifty. LOL. Thanks again.