I just started a chapter with this line:
The weak ones are taken behind the Baths of Neptune and decapitated.
It's passive, I know. But I like it because the emphasis is on the weak ones and the decapitation, not who's doing the killing.
But I could go with this:
They decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.
By not identifying who's doing the killing, "weak ones" still gets most the attention (although I prefer "decapitation" to be the last word in the sentence).
And then there's plain old:
Soldiers decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.
So, as a reader, which one makes you want to read the on more?
A: The weak ones are taken behind the Baths of Neptune and decapitated.
B: They decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.
C: Soldiers decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.
D: Some fantastic variation I haven't thought of.
Thanks!
The weak ones are taken behind the Baths of Neptune and decapitated.
It's passive, I know. But I like it because the emphasis is on the weak ones and the decapitation, not who's doing the killing.
But I could go with this:
They decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.
By not identifying who's doing the killing, "weak ones" still gets most the attention (although I prefer "decapitation" to be the last word in the sentence).
And then there's plain old:
Soldiers decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.
So, as a reader, which one makes you want to read the on more?
A: The weak ones are taken behind the Baths of Neptune and decapitated.
B: They decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.
C: Soldiers decapitate the weak ones behind the Baths of Neptune.
D: Some fantastic variation I haven't thought of.
Thanks!