101 things a novelist should never do... [Archive]

AnneMarble

11-22-2004, 11:26 PM

3. Roundly, loudly, personally, and publicly flame anyone who ever buys a book from him/her.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It seems so obvious, and yet quite a few authors forget it.

As an example, I know of authors who used their message boards or lists to personally scold fans who admitted to buying that author's books before the street date. Ahem. Look, if someone is posting on your boards, they are a Fan, probably even a core fan. They shouldn't be scolded for buying your books.

To be fair, I have seen fans go psycho on their favorite authors. I guess what authors should do then is rant about them in a private loop and ignore them. Any other ideas? :\

ChunkyC

11-23-2004, 12:08 AM

5. Ignore clearly stated submission guidelines.

aka eraser

11-23-2004, 12:35 AM

6 - Assume every word you've written is sacrosanct and editors who suggest a tweak are just jealous wannabes.

dub

11-23-2004, 12:56 AM

Never discuss new manuscript (in first chapter) with anyone but a total stranger.

dub

maestrowork

11-23-2004, 01:59 AM

... thinks he's the next J K Rowling...

Greenwolf103

11-23-2004, 02:03 AM

9. Dump a character's life story into their first scene.

detante

11-23-2004, 02:28 AM

Mistake self-therapy for character development.

Jen

Redwriter

11-23-2004, 03:43 AM

11. Open with a sunrise

Spitfire

maestrowork

11-23-2004, 03:44 AM

12. Kill the 1st person narrator/protagonist at the end

arrowqueen

11-23-2004, 04:04 AM

13. Put your ms, in your sae by mistake. (Sigh.)

Kida Adelyn

11-23-2004, 04:21 AM

14. Believe that the computer will never eat your work, so why back it up?

reph

11-23-2004, 05:49 AM

15. Kill the 1st person narrator/protagonist at the beginning.

Oops, that's been done, and it can work. The story is told by a ghost or an angel. Sooooo–

16. Assume that any fool thing that somebody says is an unbreakable rule really is one.

pianoman5

11-23-2004, 06:09 AM

17. Never write a novel that's already been written, even if you give it and the characters different names.

ChunkyC

11-23-2004, 07:12 AM

17. Never write a novel that's already been written, even if you give it and the characters different names.
Well, crap. <delete> <delete> <delete>

pdr

11-23-2004, 07:14 AM

18. Never spend more time each day writing for writers' message boards than you do writing your novel!

19. Never talk at length and loudly about your work in progress to all and sundry. Write it down don't talk it out!

Oklahoma Wolf

11-23-2004, 08:00 AM

20. Don't submit your manuscript in crayon

maestrowork

11-23-2004, 09:38 AM

21. Don't put copyright notice on your ms.

22. Don't write stilted dialogue.

23. Don't name your characters in the same book with the same first letter (especially if they're of the same gender): James, Jason, John, Joe. Sure way to confuse the readers.

24. Don't info dump unless it's REALLY, really, REALLY interesting and benefits the story.

25. Don't end your story with "it's just a dream."

HConn

11-23-2004, 09:42 AM

26. Don't rob banks.
27. Don't kill people.
28. Don't burn down buildings.

Okay. Those aren't specific to *novelists* but still....

Greenwolf103

11-23-2004, 09:57 AM

29. Don't put "need to know" information in parentheses. Such as (he had such a big fear of frogs).

Vanessa99

11-23-2004, 11:05 AM

30. Don't do all the work for your reader. Leave some things for the imagination to write in.

Euan Harvey

11-23-2004, 11:41 AM

31: Don't ever eat the yellow snow, 'cause that is where the doggies go.

HConn

11-23-2004, 11:46 AM

32. Don't spell accents phonetically.
33. Don't tug on Superman's cape.
34. Don't spit in the wind.
35. Don't pull the mask on the old Lone Ranger.
36. Don't mess around with Slim.

SRHowen

11-23-2004, 06:21 PM

leave glasses on the table with 7 cats in the house.

(gotta go clean up a mess)

Shawn

stormie267

11-23-2004, 07:46 PM

37. Plunk too many characters into the book.

maestrowork

11-23-2004, 11:10 PM

38. Not use your imagination...

rtilryarms

11-24-2004, 12:29 AM

39. Suddenly fall asleep, mid-lick, when preparing envelops for mailing.

rtilryarms

11-24-2004, 12:30 AM

40. Suddenly fall asleep, mid-lick, when doing anything!

ChunkyC

11-24-2004, 12:36 AM

42 (we got two #37's, one unlabelled)

...refuse an invitation to jam with Stephen King and the Remainders.

reph

11-24-2004, 12:45 AM

43. Refuse an invitation to OD on jam when you walk into a bookstore and see that your novel has been remaindered.

katdad

11-24-2004, 01:02 AM

>>1: Answer any reviews -- good or bad.<<

Tell me about it. I once wrote a book review for a mystery novel, and the author threatened to come kill me. He even wrote that in a letter to my editor and signed it. D'oh!

katdad

11-24-2004, 01:05 AM

>>21. Don't put copyright notice on your ms.<<

My agent says this is perfectly okay, and I've never heard otherwise. Stating that a work is copyright is one step in guaranteeing your protection.

katdad

11-24-2004, 01:07 AM

>>26. Don't rob banks. 27. Don't kill people. 28. Don't burn down buildings. <<

Now you tell me! (Does what you did during college count?)

notsosweet

11-24-2004, 02:06 AM

Never bludgeon the reader with too many details.

Never treat the reader like an idiot even if some readers are.

Kate Nepveu

11-24-2004, 02:18 AM

Never trick the reader in a way that the reader couldn't figure out ahead of the revelation.

Never condescend to the reader or treat the reader with disdain.

maestrowork

11-24-2004, 02:29 AM

Never "manipulate" your readers to feel a certain way. Instead, help them experience and feel the way the character feels.

rtilryarms

11-24-2004, 03:21 AM

yea,

like the envelope above

Fresie

11-24-2004, 05:59 AM

49 (I think). Never dump your friends for your writing. Don't deny yourself the pleasures of a social life: learn to combine the two.

(That's the advice I got yesterday over a glass of wine from a Dutch author and editor Esther Verhoef)

Karen Ranney

11-24-2004, 07:13 AM

Never believe reviews that call you a goddess; never believe the ones that call you a hack.

Never be late on a deadline.

Never ask for an extension (a personal rule - I can write through fire, flood, flu).

Never believe a photographer who says he'll make you look younger and thinner on your cover photo.

Never believe your own press releases.

rtilryarms

11-24-2004, 07:55 AM

and why are we not submitting this for publication?

SRHowen

11-24-2004, 08:11 AM

>>21. Don't put copyright notice on your ms.<<

Kat, this makes a writer look very amateurish and it has been discussed elsewhere and in many many writer's books. Your work is copyrighted as soon as you write it.

An agent or editor getting a ms with those little c's on them is going to maybe think --OK this writer thinks I'm a thief.

Shawn

James D Macdonald

11-24-2004, 08:43 AM

50. Don't have a mad, passionate affair with your publisher's spouse.

51. If you get drunk at an editorial lunch, don't puke on your editor.

52. Don't fib to your editor (e.g. "I'll have it for you Monday" if you haven't even started your novel and it's Friday afternoon.).

53. Don't be a jerk.

54. Don't put a little chart on your wall graphing other authors' advances and sales.

55. Don't put an app in your system tray that constantly displays your book's Amazon sales rank.

56. Don't do anything less than your best work.

Euan Harvey

11-24-2004, 10:29 AM

54. Don't put a little chart on your wall graphing other authors' advances and sales.

55. Don't put an app in your system tray that constantly displays your book's Amazon sales rank.
You are kidding, right?

56. Remember that editors reject your work, not you.

57. At least, most of the time, they do.

58. Okay, to be honest, sometimes it really is just you.

James D Macdonald

11-24-2004, 10:40 AM

You are kidding, right?

I'm serious as a heart attack. I know the name of that author, and that's a real Windows app.

Bad ideas. Those are things that aren't under your control. What is under your control is your own writing. That's where to concentrate.

59. Don't have an agent who's a jerk, either.

Redwriter

11-24-2004, 10:51 AM

maestrowork

11-24-2004, 11:09 AM

Funny, Tom Cruise told me the same thing.

Jamesaritchie

11-24-2004, 01:08 PM

My agent says this is perfectly okay, and I've never heard otherwise. Stating that a work is copyright is one step in guaranteeing your protection.

Find a new agent. Yours doesn't know how editors react to copyright notice on a manuscript. I used to scream, cuss, question the writer's lineage, grumble as I read, then grabbed for a rejection slip.

Greenwolf103

11-24-2004, 02:02 PM

Uh-oh. Uncle Jim, I'm afraid I've broken ALL of those rules. Well, actually, I didn't "puke"; more like send a crazy E-mail. though I don't exactly do those things anymore...

http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/scared/scared13.gif

Fresie

11-24-2004, 02:41 PM

Robert DiNero told me never to name drop...

Yeah, I was afraid somebody might take it that way... I just didn't want to take credit for someting I didn't say, especially as my views at the time were quite the opposite (she convinced me). Maybe one day it'll end up in quotation books under her name! :D

preyer

11-24-2004, 02:49 PM

is it okay if i have an affair with your publisher's wife, though?

Risseybug

11-24-2004, 06:00 PM

what number are we up to now?? 59? 60?

Once you have a well-recieved, well-reviewed book and are becoming a big success, don't rub it in the faces of every agent/publisher that rejected you.

At least not to their faces. Do it in the privacy of your own home, to the rejection slip they sent you.:rollin Or just tack the slips to your dart board.

Writing Again

11-24-2004, 06:27 PM

60. Don't be jealouse of other writers who earn more than you do. Most importantly do not lose friends because they make more than you do.

61. Don't be jealous because someone else writes better than you do. Most importantly do not lose friends because they write better than you do.

You earn as much as you earn, you write as well as you write, do your best and don't worry about the rest.

Jules Hall

11-25-2004, 02:36 AM

62. While it is good to be able to hear your characters talking to each other in your head, do not let them do it aloud. When you're in public. In the glottal-stop-heavy artificial language you constructed for their country. Unless you want the men with the white coats to come for you.

Yeshanu

11-25-2004, 03:38 AM

20. Don't submit your manuscript in crayon

Oops! (But I have so many pretty colours...)
http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif

63. Don't think your genius will excuse poor grammar and spelling.

novelator

11-25-2004, 05:36 AM

64. Fail to persevere

Have we mentioned this yet?

Mari

maestrowork

11-25-2004, 06:57 AM

65. Don't talk about your characters like they're real people to your friends and family. Unless you want to be locked up in an asylum.

66. Don't be afraid of the dark places your characters are taking you. Explore the dark side with glee!

Gala

11-25-2004, 07:09 AM

67. Never defend your work.
68. Believe what your characters tell you and write it down.
69. Never send e-mail to anyone in anger.
70. Take a walk each afternoon.
71. Be the first to congratulate other writers on their success.
72. Dress a little nicer that usual for book signings. Puleeze!
73. For god's sake do not gossip about other writers in your community.
74. When store clerks tell you "I'd write novels if I had time," say, "I'd be a store clerk if I had time."
75. When friends don't think you're working because you're writing it's their problem.
78. Keep purified water and free weights near your work area. Drink and lift.
79. When men insist the good sex scenes are about them say nothing. Nothing at all.
80. When people ask if they'll be in the dedication tell them all your books are dedicated to your cat per policy.

been reading another thread and must add:
81. If you don't have anything nice to say about another's success, don't say anything. What is success to them is their business. Don't rain on their parade--go punch the wall.

<img border=0 src="http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/eyes.gif" />

maestrowork

11-25-2004, 12:20 PM

82. Never let obsession overtake your life.
83. Never write something you know squat about. If you don't know something, study, learn, do some research.

HConn

11-25-2004, 01:12 PM

84. Remember that there are more important things in life than writing. Don't neglect them

85. Remember that there are less important things in life than writing. Don't waste writing time on them.

86. When the writing isn't fun anymore, quit. Do charity work instead, or start a business, or get active in local politics, or improve yourself. You and the world will be better for it.

Writing Again

11-25-2004, 09:36 PM

87. Don't give up that which defines you, even for something that is more important. If writing is what defines you then don't give it up for any one or any thing. If you do there will come a time when it hurts and hurts bad.

If writing is not what defines you then don't give that up either, not even for writing -- Better yet, write about it. Make it the subject of your writing.

zerohour21

11-26-2004, 01:58 AM

88. If you do become a huge success, don't get cocky to the point where you let your writing start to suck. Then again, this could go for any field.

Gala

11-26-2004, 03:59 PM

re Obsession and research:

As a writer and human being I do the opposite. This has been the key.

Passion is fuel, invention the fire.

I bow to Columbus, da Vinci, Shakespeare, the usual and unusual.

Ymmv. Obsession and question drive me.

Faulkner: "...to create out of the human spirit that which did not exist before." His nobel prize for lit speech.

(p.s. I am prone to over research hence my comment. I appreciate not everyone has this tendency and books can be the poorer for it.)

detante

11-26-2004, 08:29 PM

67. Never defend your work.

I like to call this "Yeabut Syndrome". As in:

"That scene didn't work for me," said the beta reader.

"Yeah, but he came from an abusive home," said the defensive writer.

Unfortunately, I have been known to suffer from this condition myself, but I'm getting better about listening and trying to find the real problem.

wwwatcher

11-27-2004, 12:03 AM

89. Don't miss an opportunity to read threads like this; they're fun and you can learn a lot.

Jim: Does that mean we can have a mad passionate affair with our publisher?:eek

Yeshanu: I prefer markers myself. But anything with colour is good. (We probably need to concentrate on putting the colour in our stories.):smokin

Gala: "re Obsession and research:As a writer and human being I do the opposite. This has been the key."
(Ain't it great they have the one -- Never think a rule can't be broken?!)

underthecity

11-27-2004, 02:28 AM

When a reader or potential customer asks you why you wrote the book, don't roll your eyes (since this is the 1000th time you've been asked this question).

underthecity

Writing Again

11-27-2004, 03:41 AM

Why did I write the book?

Because it was more fun than watching television.

Eowyn Eomer

11-27-2004, 06:20 AM

68. Believe what your characters tell you and write it down.
Is that anything like hearing little voices in your head? :p

69. Never send e-mail to anyone in anger.
Well that could be part of a bigger rule - never say anything to anyone in anger, written or verbal. You don't put out a fire by throwing gasoline on it. Although it's not always easy to take the higher road.

72. Dress a little nicer that usual for book signings. Puleeze!
How 'bout jeans and a nice top?

78. Keep purified water and free weights near your work area. Drink and lift.
Ick, take all the good taste out of water! :rollin

73. For god's sake do not gossip about other writers in your community.
What community are you talking about?

81. If you don't have anything nice to say about another's success, don't say anything. What is success to them is their business. Don't rain on their parade--go punch the wall.
I like the way Thumper put it better. ;)

70. Take a walk each afternoon.
What if it's pouring rain and I can't afford a treadmill?

Gala

11-27-2004, 06:36 AM

Community is defined by you. For me it includes people in the city where I live, members of associations, contacts and friends, business associates. I know people who are horrific gossips, to the point of standing on the perimeter at the end of a meeting, booksigning, contest announcement, or critique session and trashing those who just contributed. Over the years I've learned to avoid gossips like a mosquito with bird flu. I don't value opinions proffered as gossip.

The Internet is a good place for me to anonymously vent writerly anger and angst against others, with no harm done them.

Walk in the rain. It's good for you. That's my opinion after a lifetime spent doing same in the NorthWest. If I'd waited for sunny days I'd only have hit the pavement a few days per year. Rain water is good for the skin and the soul.

Treadmills are a bore, imho.

<img border=0 src="http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/eek.gif" />

Writing Again

11-27-2004, 12:43 PM

I don't have writers in my community.

The only writers I ever interact with are here.

mr mistook

11-27-2004, 01:07 PM

Yeah! God forbid somebody in my loser town considers him or herself a writer. Being an artist in Aurora Illinois is like being a left-handed homosexual in the backwaters of Arkansas. It's not something you really want to be open about.

Kida Adelyn

11-28-2004, 03:49 AM

I don't know how this happened, but has anyone else noticed that we should be on number 97? Ther was a bunch that were psted without numbers and people didn't put them as part of the list.

97. Never let an idea go to waste.

Gala

11-28-2004, 06:34 AM

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>Community is defined by you<hr></blockquote>
Don't have to be writers. Impossible to publish w/o some kind of community imho. Got a spouse, a tree, a pet? That's good.

Cheers.

98. Never hide behind your work. "Hide" is defined by you.

Kida Adelyn

11-29-2004, 08:59 AM

99. Never write if you don't like the subject

Stlight

11-29-2004, 12:50 PM

100 - A writer should not fail to learn to say, "Thank you for your suggestions." This can be used for almost anything that is said. If the comment is bad, but touches on your book in some way, there is a chance the speaker actually bought the book. If he/she didn't like it, that won't change. If you don't get a rep for being insane, you'll get one for listening. :b

Euan Harvey

11-29-2004, 02:36 PM

101: Never take as gospel anything written in a list.

[Sorry, couldn't resist.]

reph

11-29-2004, 03:40 PM

Never exceed your word lim–

oops.

katdad

12-01-2004, 10:56 PM

>>21. Don't put copyright notice on your ms.<<

By the way, I asked my agency specifically about this, and I was told that they weren't too upset either way, but that removing the copyright notice was actually the better way, so that's what I did.

The bottom line -- they said that most publishers ignore the copyright and aren't going to reject a manuscript at seeing it, but it was a small irritant nonetheless, and so we deleted it from my copies.

STORMTURNER

12-07-2004, 11:02 PM

Never kill your main character in your first book, especially if you're a novice. Publishing Houses like the characters to live on -- sequels, prequels...

Higgins

09-22-2006, 05:52 PM

11. Open with a sunrise

Spitfire

This seems true, but I'm not sure why. Is it too descriptive or inert or has it been overused?

Willowmound

09-22-2006, 06:18 PM

Too obvious perhaps? The sun rising on your story. Will it end in a sunset? A cowboy riding into it?

Cliché, I guess would be the word.

Simran

09-22-2006, 06:53 PM

65. Don't talk about your characters like they're real people to your friends and family. Unless you want to be locked up in an asylum.

I remember this guy from a high school science fair I was in (many moons ago). I came in the middle of his conversation and thought he was talking about an adventure he went on. The more I listened to him, I realized he was talking about his sci-fi novel he was writing. The weird thing was, he kept saying that he and the other character did this and that and the conversations that they had together. Very strange fellow. :crazy: I don't know whatever happened to him. Wish I remembered his last name so I cold look him up and find out. Peter, something or other.