Can anyone help me?

[Frustrated]

I'm tearing my hair out with frustration here. All I want to do is to have the chance to write. I'm in an enviable position in that I have some savings and don't need to work for the next year or so. I wanted to use this time to write. I worked hard for years and I believe I've earned a break. Great, right? Wrong.

Time spent in "playing" at the computer, typing away at my short stories or working on my second novel, is time when my girlfriend feels ignored. After an hour or so she grows moody and starts to complain. I'm obsessed, she'll tell me. Other people don't sit and ignore their partners. Sometimes she'll put a film on, and then I have 90 minutes more freedom in which to work (I've grown used to working with the TV blaring). But when the film stops, so must the writing. If it doesn't, she'll demand I speak to her or she'll just stomp around the room in a rage, clatter pans in the sink, put her awful, grating, whining, teeth-grinding music on the stereo.

I'd like to be able to treat my writing as a job. If I had the chance to work 5 or 6 hours a day at it, I'd be thrilled. When my girlfriend was working, it was bliss. I could write all day. Now that she's not, things are impossible. If I escape to another room, I'm shunning her, and she won't stand for that. I've tried getting up early and staying up late. Both are unacceptable. If I'm not there to cuddle her when she wakes up, like boyfriends are supposed to do, sparks will fly. If I don't come to bed soon after her, she feels unloved and can't sleep. Then she'll come back through in a mood.

It's as though my computer is another woman.

My first manuscript is in the hands of a reputable agent who has requested changes. Right now, I can't see how I'm going to find the time to do this. The hour a day I might grab feels woefully inadequate, more so because there's always a thundercloud in the room ready to burst.

I've tried to compromise. Give me a couple of hours, please, without interruption. Inevitably, this sparks an argument. I take her out several times a week. Every moment I'm not writing is spent with her. But it's never enough. I'm always distant, she'll say. And I suppose that's true; my mind is always on the stories I'm not getting a chance to write.

Please, is there anyone out there who can give me some advice? How do you juggle your work and social life? I don't want to have to choose between my writing and the woman I love. I want both. Is that too much to ask?

Or am I just being a whining git?

[aka eraser]

I think your gf sounds like a spoiled brat. She needs to grow up and find something/one other than you to validate her existence.

If you were still working outside the home she'd have to deal with her loneliness for 8+ hours. It's not at all unreasonable for her to grant you a few uninterrupted hours a day to focus on your writing without a tantrum.

IMO you're either going to have to stiffen your spine, do your work and deal with her reaction or give her (or yourself) the heave-ho.

Edited to fix a pesky typo.

[Takvah]

I won't pretend to know you or your situation. However, from what you've described your girlfriend seems to be selfish. Have you tried to explain to her that this is a job to you? I would set aside a few hours every day and tell her that you will be WORKING during that time and would appreciate her not disturbing you or annoying you. Since she can't find it in her heart to give you this space you'll have to demand it and set a routine that she must abide.

I am married now and I was married once before... to a woman that was similarly (how do I couch this nicely) needy. My current wife and my two stepchildren grant me more time and support than my ex-wife did. They support me 100% and accept the fact that I am doing something I love and that it doesn't diminish the fact that I adore them, one bit. I set a routine, they respect it and they wait anxiously for chances to read little morsels I throw at them for input. They are my biggest/only fans *snickers*. Maybe if you involve her by sharing some of your work with her (if you aren't already) it might help you. Nobody said, you had to take anything she says with more than a grain of salt but she might at least feel less threatened by your "mistress".

[katdad]

Please send your excess girlfriends to me.

[Kaitiana]

I second the opinion that she's acting like a spoiled brat. I always like to say that the phrase "two become one" is meant to be taken figuratively, NOT literally. Two people, no matter how much they love and like each other, NEED their own time and space. Whether it be one hour a day or eight varies from personality to personality. I've learned in relationships that the ones where we spend every waking moment we can together and NEVER take time to spend apart are the ones that crash and burn the fastest.

If you sincerely love your girlfriend, the best thing you can do for her and the relationship is to sit down and have a serious, civil discussion with her where you tell her exactly how you feel and what you need. Emphasize that you are taking into account what she needs, but you feel she is asking for too much from you. Tell her you are more than willing to compromise so that you both can be happy in the relationship (i.e., you get a set amount of hours each day to write where she agrees not to interupt you in return for spending the rest of the time together), but that if she doesn't compromise in return then it is only going to lead to resentment on both your parts.

Communication is key. If she sincerely loves you she will listen and respect your wishes. If she doesn't--then she probably isn't the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.

None of us get everything we want 100% of the time--and she needs to realize she is no different than the rest of the world. Give and take, it all comes down to give and take. And right now it sounds to me like she's doing all of the taking and none of the giving.

I know you're in a tough situation right now, but the problem isn't going to get better if you keep going the way you are now. It will only get worse. Good luck!

[Greenwolf103]

Amen, Frank!!

I know that, as writers, it's hard for us to see this *their* way. But reading this post, I am starting to think your g/f is the clingy type.

I went through the same thing in the very beginning. My b/f (now hubby) would constantly tap my shoulder at 2 a.m. with an "aren't you ever coming to bed?" or complain I spent too much time writing. Then he'd start reading my stuff and see exactly how much of it I got done then tell everybody within earshot "she wrote 100 pages today!" And stuff like that. It was pretty cool and eased up on him pressuring me to stop writing so much.

The thing of it is, though, he's got his own obsession: Computers. When I'd be writing, he'd be doing his programming/whatnot. (I had to laugh when I read your "it's like my computer is another woman" quote because that's actually been an issue in the 10 years we've known each other.)

My advice: Tell your g/f to grow up. Better still, she needs to stop being so whiny and get some kind of hobby or a job, or something. She CANNOT expect you to devote your time and energy to her 24/7. That is just unrealistic and any girl who feels she "deserves" that kind of treatment from her boyfriend won't stay in a relationship for very long. Unless it's with an obsessive boyfriend.

YOU deserve your freedom and time to pursue doing what you love. You are actually GOING SOMEWHERE with your writing! Give it the time and energy you want to and, meanwhile, have your girlfriend connect with some other girlfriends to keep herself entertained.

[Nateskate]

Frustrated, I'll try not to go "Dear Abbey" on you. I feel your frustration.

These are just generalizations. They may not apply to you, but if they do, then I hope they help.

1) I don't know what you mean "girlfriend", but I do suppose you have a committed relationship with her. So, rather than suppose you are just in a relationship that you shouldn't be in, I'll give you both the benefit of the doubt.

And I don't know ages, maturity level, and all of the other incidentals.

2) If you were speaking about a wife, long time committed partner, and you both love each other, which it sounds like, I'd think you'd need counseling to some degree.

If you love each other and are committed to each other and want to grow together, then it is essential that you establish boundaries that are clearly defined. A boundary is where she begins and you end, and where you begin and she ends. Controlling and possessive behaviors are not healthy in a relationship. And generally those are signs of past wounds.

For instance, if she has abandonment issues, and had a childhood where she was "invisible", she might be overly clingy to the one person she perceives is supposed to love her. And if that is the case, she probably needs some degree of counseling or another to work out those issues. I'm not telling you to tell her that. But if you really want to have a healthy relationship with someone who has deep wounds, you need to work those things out.

3) Do you have your own issues to work out? I don't know you and won't assume you do. Let's say you just love someone complex. You need to convey to her that she is important, that you care, and that you want a healthy relationship.

However, that takes two people working toward that goal. But again, if you understand healthy boundaries, you will not want to control her, or have her control you. If she feel so emotionally needy that she is clinging to you, you need to say specifically what is in your heart, because she is insecure.

I won't coach you, but you can explain that you really do love her and want to convey that. However, you want to also convey that love doesn't require that you be with her every waking moment, and only doing activities with her. She can shop, go out with friends, and needs to get a life so to speak, in which she has her diversions while you do your thing. If she has unrealistic expectations, maybe you can help her see that. But it doesn't mean you should allow yourself to be in bondage to her.

If you can't make her see that, then she needs to find someone who does "Her Dr. Phil" so to speak.

4) Another thing, many young guys are unrealistic about relationships, and have a somewhat Beer Commercial philosophy of life. I don't assume that you do, but I feel it is important to rule that out.

I know one young man whose marriage was on the rocks for a variety of reasons. But one thing that absolutely was fixable was the fact that this guy was involved in sports to an inordinate degree.

He was playing in so many leagues. It was the "I can have my cake and eat it too syndrome."

His wife was being emotionally abandoned, and needed a wake-up call to reality. And so, that plus the financial and other problems led to multiplication of stress, because she felt unloved and that her husband thought games were more important than her.

All women need to feel secure, and there are reasonable things that can be done. One is to make it a priority to ask about her day, and to listen "empathic", which means "how did her day feel to her-happy, frustrating or sad". Plus you want to do the little things to connect: foot rubs...etc. (not just pre-sex) and what you say and do.

If that doesn't make her feel secure, and this is all due to emotional wounds, then essentially nothing you can do will make her feel secure, and this is an issue she needs help to work out.

It is reasonable for you to "Work". And if you are working at writing, then it isn't a hobby, but investment in a career option. That has to come across. And it needs to be explained that when she interrupts that, it is like walking into your office at any job.

Set a reasonable boundary, example, "Honey, this is my job. I have a small window of opportunity, and if I waste it, it may not come around again. This is not simply a prolonged vacation for me...we'll do things together. Let's set up a schedule: Date nights...etc. But here's my work schedule. (hours blocked for writing).

So, if you give her "Her exclusive time" -so much each day, plus a night or so of fun- then great.

Also, encourage her to do things; not to get rid of her, but so that she is happy: hobby classes, school, a job...activities where she meets girlfriends to do things with, she will become more balanced, having things to look forward to. Because if she is sitting around bored all day long that isn't healthy for anyone.

[Kate Nepveu]

Leave the house to write? Library, cafe, coffee shop?

[macalicious731]

Kate has a good idea, if you have the means (laptop, etc.) to leave the house, even for as long as your battery allows. Hopefully she'll be able to see that while you're away you're really getting work done, and eventually you could move back into the home for writing.

At the same time, I'd suggest that while convincing her to support you in your writing, you should encourage her to find a hobby or passion of her own. It sounds like she needs one.

[Frustrated]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I've read your advice and I do feel a lot better now. There's a lot I need to consider, which I hadn't really thought about. This afternoon she stormed off to see a friend (the first time we've been apart for weeks) and I just grabbed the opportunity to spraff out my frustration. I've spent the last few hours writing. If she had a hobby, that would be great, but her hobby seems to be me. Unfortunately if I left to write in a cafe or somewhere like that, she'd see that as me shunning her. I'll figure something out.
Sorry about venting my frustration on you all. Everyone's been very kind.
Thanks again.

[dannyne330]

Or, get her to leave the house. Surprise her and one of her girlfriends with a paid afternoon at the spa (an entire weekend if you can afford it). Perhaps she'd like all the pampering. You could get them tickets to the theater for a very, very long play, a nice dinner out and the symphony, or into an exclusive dance club if that's her thing. You could convince her to enroll in a class that she's always wanted to take at a nearby college...just about anything.

This is a short term solution for what has the potential to be a long term problem. But it has the two-pronged effect of allowing you to finish your edits for your agent, and being a nice gesture to your girlfriend (as long as you tell her you're doing this for her, NOT yourself).

I don't want to tell you how to handle your relationship, but I agree she needs to understand that what you're doing IS work, and it takes time. It sounds like she doesn't know much about the business, so pin it on your agent if you have to. Tell her if you don't get this done NOW, your agent will drop you.


Good luck.

[detante]

You are not being a whining git, but you might be asking too much. It takes a special kind of person to live with a writer. They have to share their lover with a entire cast of characters, all demanding the writers attention. Anyone with a shred of self-doubt would feel jealous of all the attention a writer lavishes on imaginary people.

It would be a good idea to talk to her about your goals and what it will take to accomplish them. She needs to understand what she is getting herself into so she can decide if it's worth it.

It might also be a good idea for her to get a job.

[RGame]

If you can't get her to leave the house, maybe you should. Maybe go to a library or somewhere where you can write in peace for a little while, even if you have to use pen and paper instead of a computer.

[maestrowork]

Try treating your writing as work (and not a "hobby" as she might see it). That means:

1) telling her that you're working
2) leaving the house and go to "work" -- coffee house, etc. etc. Don't come home until you're done with the day's work.

If you're serious about your work, which is "writing," you need to be determined to make it such. I'm sure your girlfriend would understand when you have to go to work, that she is not part of that.

[Stephenie Hovland]

I definitely think you need to have the hobby vs. work talk. I told my husband that I'm serious about writing - that this wasn't a little project that would fizzle out in a few months, that I feel so productive and wonderful when I write. He said OK and bought me a laptop for the next holiday. I also check in with him occasionally, sharing my joys and frustrations (briefly) and telling him my goals. He knows I'm working toward something, not just wasting time.
If she is the dependent, needy type, you could tell her some of your goals and promise her some jewelry when your first novel is published. She might be hounding you again in two weeks, but it may keep her at arms length for a little while. Make sure you treat her as a special person when you aren't writing.

[Fresie]

I know I'm going to say a cruel thing now, but it's because I (blush) recognised myself in your girlfriend. At the beginning of our relationship, I too made some unreasonable demands on my BF. Not about creativity, but still. I felt perfectly secure, I knew he loved me enough to do whatever I wanted. And it came absolutely out of the blue when one day, very calmly, he said: either I stopped my demands, or I had to leave. He said he loved me very much but wasn't going to change for anyone, least of all people for me. So I either accepted his lifestyle or packed my bags.

Now that was a wake-up call. It put everything into perspective. I realised that indeed I was only a part of his life and his first obligation was to make the most out of his life, not to please me. And that if I asked for too much, he wouldn't hesitate for one moment to leave me, even if he had to spend the rest of his life in mourning over our lost love. I had some really hard times accepting this, but now I find it fair, and we have no problems -- our love for each other and our friendship are stronger than ever these days.

What I want to say: it's very rare that a normal woman chooses to lose her man over an ultimatum like this. Either she'll understand how much she hurts you -- hopefully -- or she'll just realise that she's going too far. I don't suggest you threaten to leave her but please think of doing something to make her understand she's only a part of your life.

[Dhewco]

...go to work at a job that will allow you to write full time. Midnight clerk at a hotel or something.





David

[ChunkyC]

I can only reinforce the job vs hobby viewpoint. Your writing is a job, potentially a career. My wife would be ecstatic if I could be at home as much as you, even if it meant I was behind a closed door for four or five hours a day. As it is, I work a day job 10 1/2 hours a day, six days a week, and write in the mornings on my only day off while she sleeps in.

Your girlfriend doesn't know how lucky she is.

You have to make her understand that when she makes you feel guilty about writing, she's removing joy from your life and replacing it with a hurt far greater than what you are doing to her by wanting to write.

A person needs to be able to be happy by themselves before they can truly be happy with another.

[maestrowork]

That brings up a point: many people think writers are hobbyists at best, slackers as worst. That somehow the time we spend on our computers to do research or actual writing is "play time." That we are not working at all. Especially for novelists, because novelists don't see that pay check... some might not see that check for a LONG time. For freelance writers, it's easier to "prove" that they're working because they get a check for every article they sell or every assignment.

[drgnlvrljh]

Been there, done that, and I genuinely feel for you. I can't say I know the whole story, because all I see is your side of it. Mind you, that might be the -whole- story, and I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and act like it is.

If, as you said, you're taking every opportunity to pay attention to her, and show her that she's important, and yet she continues to make these demands, you have alot of good advice right in this thread to help you out.

Now, I do disagree with the bribes of jewlery and spa visits, and here's why... IF she is the spoiled brat you've portrayed her to be, then these things are going to be expected. "I'll leave you alone if you spend x amount of money on me." kinda thing.

You said right now, you have enough money to stay home for about a year. That money will quickly disappear if you resort to bribery just to get her to let you write.

If you haven't had the deep, heart-to-heart with her about how important this is to you, now is the time. Make her understand. And if she continues to behave like a spoiled brat, I would kick her to the curb, and tell her she can come back when A) she grows up, -and- B) when you get your book finished. Not either/or, but BOTH, otherwise, you'll be defeating yourself.

DON'T end up like me, for crying out loud! I've wasted too many years in relationships with men who thought my writing was "just a hobby" and therefore not important. Because I wasn't getting paid for what I did (yet), I believed them. And each time I agreed with them, a little piece of me died inside.

I'm very, VERY fortunate, in that the relationship I'm in allows me to try and nurture those pieces back to life. In case you're interested, I'm 43.

Think of all the years -I- wasted, and don't make my mistake.

[Gala]

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>All women need to feel secure..."<hr></blockquote>
Incorrect. Some women thrive on independance, uncertainty, adventure, and artistic expression.

You are not responsible for how your girlfriend or anyone else feels. Focus on your behaviour, not how to manipulate hers with foot rubs.

You cannot make her feel complete.

If you really let her allow you to write only an hour a day, the problem is yours, not hers. What are you doing the other 23?

Either you want to live the life of a writer, or not. The seeming gray areas are what one goes through in answer to that question. If you love a writer's life, nothing and no one will be able to stop you.

Read Hemingway's A Moveable Feast for an entertaining read on how he dealt with the woman problem.

I used to hang out with a guy who loved to watch me type and do computer. Made him horny. Real distracting after the cuteness wore off. He had to go.

Good luck.

[wurdwise]

My first thought, before I could get past the second paragraph of your story, was, "this girl is a spoiled brat." Then I LOL when I saw the first response said exactly that.

Your girlfiend's problem, in my opinion, has nothing to do with you or your writing. If you were pursing any form of activity besides entertaining her, there would be the same tantrums.

What she should be wary of is losing your affection. Who likes to be smothered? Pawed on constantly, 24/7? That's not romance, that's,..well, it's not healthy.

Lay down some ground rules. You said you already have one book written and looking for a publisher? You are cheating yourself if you don't devote a specific time of day, with the door closed and do not disturb strictly enforced, for as many hours as you deem necessary, to become the success you sound like you could be. And once she realizes you are serious? I bet she treats you with a bit more respect. Make her understand that this is your vocation. Or boot her.

Denise, married to a man who is behind my full time writing career 100%. Door closed, writer at work.

[Betty Kruk]

Imagine this topic creating so much advice. Lots of good thoughts from everyone. I agree with Fresie. Set some boundaries and under no circumstances is the girlfriend to violate them. If she does, give her a choice. Either she allows you five to eight hours a day to write or she can pack her clothes. The monkey is then on her back to make the choice that means the most to her. Close the door to the room where you write and she is not to enter or disturb you in any way - until you exit the room.
You know a child will push a parent beyond endurance just because it knows it can. The parent needs to be the parent and set the boundaries for the child. You need to set the boundaries for the girlfriend.

[Greenwolf103]

You know, as I read the first post, I kept thinking, "Geez, and you think having a CHILD to contend with is bad." I should know; mine is 3.

But you, Frustrated, are not dealing with a child. You are dealing with an adult. Or I assume you are; she pretty much sounds like a child to me. But if your girlfriend is indeed an adult, she needs to start acting like one.

Sorry if that sounds so harsh. But this is my honest, no-holds-barred response. You really need to tend to this situation right now before it gets worse. Unless she's the kind of person who enjoys making someone else's life miserable? Who thinks her b/f should be wrapped around her finger? I don't know; I don't know your situation. I just think that it's a bad one.

[mr mistook]

I have been in this situation more times than I wish to admit!

First of all, congratulations on having planned and worked so diligently to have earned yourself a large block of free time to work on a novel! :)

Secondly, your FATAL mistake was including a GIRLFRIEND into this equation! I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I know that *type* of girl very well and you'll never get anywhere with this supposed discussion about "Work V Hobby".

She obviously doesn't understand how important this is too you, and she has zero respect for you as an artist (see 'playing at the computer'). This will NOT change! You are in an "either/or" situation, and I grieve very deeply for you, because you are about to waste the entire time period of your hard sought freedom dealing with emotional blackmail.

For the love of God, get out as quickly as you can (I'd say painlessly, but pain is now a foregone conclusion) and SWEAR to yourself - and all that is Holy - that you'll never let this happen again!

[maestrowork]

Now, now, I don't think we should give out relationship advice. There are certainly issues that need to be resolved. I do truly believe that once you treat your writing as a job, your girlfriend would "get it." Especially if you go somewhere to work.... now if she starts to suspect that you're off somewhere with another girl or something, that's a different problem -- trust. Whatever you have with your girlfriend needs to be discussed and resolved between the two of you.

I do think many people here have given some good advice. You need to treat writing as a job, and you need to make your girlfriend understand and except that it's a job and that you're not going to spend your hard-earned free time on her 24 hours a day.

[mr mistook]

Pssst! *run for your life!

[sc211]

All of the above, plus, have you considered getting a dog?

Not only would it be there for your girlfriend to cuddle with when she wakes up, but even if she takes offense and leaves, you'll then have a very committed, quiet companion who'll love you exactly as you are.

More seriously, though, you might have her rent a few movies about writers, so that she can understand your point of view.

I'll start another post about it to see what people recommend.

[evanaharris]

I'd suggest getting out of the house. Go somewhere from 8 to 5, and WORK. Maybe find a room you can rent, an office space, maybe, but it wouldn't have to be. Just a small place where you can sit and work.

[pencilone]

Frustrated,

I'm trying to see this from your girlfriend's point of view too. Maybe she wants to share with you your joy of writing, just like you two share all the other things in your life.

Try to make her part of your writing in some way.
Can she type? If she cannot, then maybe she starts to learn and you invest in a cheap PC for her.

If she can type, maybe you could dictate your work to her (see 'Alex and Emma' movie for an idea).

Use her as a working tool for your novels! Use her typing skills or brainstrom with her. Maybe even encourage her to start writing her own novel.

Share with her your joy of writing. Make her wish she could write too (maybe a different kind of novel if you two have different literary tastes).

Teach her how she could do research for you. Give her work to do for your writing.

Don't let her waste her precious years watching crap on TV and nagging you to death! Use Her!

[maestrowork]

I personally would not involve my spouse/partner/lover in my writing, unless I'm collaborating -- even then, there are times when I absolutely must sit by myself and write alone. Writing is a "personal" job for me. When I "write," I don't want to be disturbed or have to interract with another person.

I can't imagine my wife (if I have one) saying, "Honey, I'll be right next to you when you work your rounds at the hospital..." (if I were a doctor...) Or "Honey, I can sit there and listen when you talk to a client in the office."

When you work, you work. Then you come home to your family.

[kjh7073]

well said!

[Nateskate]

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All women need to feel secure..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Incorrect. Some women thrive on Independence, uncertainty, adventure, and artistic expression.

The following statements are generalizations that do not fit everyone.

The more secure a person feels, the more likely they are to step out of a comfort zone and be independent, take adventures, and express themselves artistically.

I didn't say a woman needs a "man" to feel secure. For the most part, if she was raised by loving affirming parents, who allowed her to develop her skills and take risks, she will feel strong enough to explore the world and see life as an adventure, and isn't dependent on someone for feedback.

It's like that John Mayer song, "Fathers be good to your daughters..." Great parents can make a child feel like they can conquer the world. Poor parents can make them afraid of the world as a dangerous and hostile place.

In this case, this woman obviously needs lots of affirmation, and feels threatened by things that should not be threatening.

Screwed up guys tend to detach. Even if they are drawn to women, they are also threatened by them, so end up burried in work, or going off to play with the boys. They find real communication threatening, and especially real intimacy.

Screwed up women tend to be clingy, possessive in relationships. They tend to put people on momentary pedistals, but their idols always disappoint, and end up making them more disallusioned.

This is because we are hardwired differently. Men blow off steam by doing. Women generally blow off steam by talking. This is why at the end of stressful day a guy wants to withdraw and go do anything but talk, and a woman wants to download the events of her day.

So, you have two people with a need to blow off stress, but they both blow it off in completely different ways. A guy wants to read the paper, go shoot hoops, golf. His wife wants to talk. At that moment they both have needs, but only one of them will be met at that moment. Which one's needs will be met?

My advice to most guys is suck it up and allow a woman to vent and be reassured that someone cares. Then go out and shoot hoops. Otherwise you end up with a tension that lasts all night. Often, she'll interpret his going off to shoot hoops as indifference to her feelings, when in fact he's blowing off steam in a guy way, unless he really is just self-centered and selfish, which is sometimes the case.

There are exceptions; but most women find their fulfillment in the context of relationships, and therefore if their relationships aren't going well, they feel insecure and unfulfilled, which is why a great upbringing is such a positive for a woman. If she is made to feel special and talented, then little is going to take that away. She is less likely to need her husband's approval for strength. But she is also more likely to have been more selective in choosing a husband to begin with, having operated out of a position of strength rather than weakness. "Is he good enough for me?" as opposed to "Will somebody ever love me?"

Men on the other hand tend to feel fulfillment in their accomplishments, and the accolades that accompany them, and in affirmation.

This young woman may be a great person, but is needy and clingy, and has an inordinate need for affirmation. If she is relatively young, maybe she'll outgrow this.

[detante]

There are exceptions; but most women find

These types of generalizations are rarely useful to anyone. Lets not turn this thread into an episode of Dr. Phil.

[sc211]

I know what Dr. Phil would say - "Let him write!"

[wurdwise]

LOL!

"How's this workin for ya?"

[Gala]

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>The more secure a person feels, the more likely they are to step out of a comfort zone and be independent, take adventures, and express themselves artistically<hr></blockquote>
Not at all. Just the opposite. But I gather you're speaking of yourself, not "all" women as you said earlier. ;)
<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>most women find their fulfillment in the context of relationships <hr></blockquote>
OMG!!! I can't talk I'm laughing too hard...Sorry<img border=0 src="http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/roll.gif" />

Dear Frustrated,
You seem like a good person who has compassion for your girlfriend. Don't change. I know you'll do the right thing.

You've gotten the armchair psyche all over the place. Now may I wax philosophical, just for fun? I've found that when I am on my way to a big accomplishment, or when a huge opportunity is finally mine (and I've worked hard to achieve it) it's like there is some diabolical force that puts out a hand to stop me. It can be illness, a financial challenge, another person, a tragedy. I'm not talking "every time I try to be successful someone prevents me" victim additude. It just seems to happen and I've come to accept it as part of the game of life, for now.

Along with this, there are the angel forces that grow stronger. I've had resources (money, help, opportunities) appear out of no where when I made up my mind to persist. I leave you with Joseph Campbell's words; Take care.

<span style="font-family:georgia; color:maroon;">If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else.</span>

[Nateskate]

Dear Frustrated,
You seem like a good person who has compassion for your girlfriend. Don't change. I know you'll do the right thing.

Well, its good that we agree on some things. And, I appreciate that you are the kind of person to give his girlfriend and the relationship the benefit of the doubt.

You might think my answers are "over" the top, stupid or laughable, but there is merrit to them. I do happen to care, and obviously they are only meant as food for thought for someone whose primary post seemed one of desperation.

The first post was counter to the "Dump the #$*@# posts, because I presume like you do, that this is someone he cares about, and wants to make it work.

[vrauls]

Boy, I can't believe I'm jumping into this...

You got a lot of relationship advice. I'm not sure how appropriate that kind of advice is in this context and, more importantly, I don't think it's what you need.

You need spine advice. You've already planted the seed by devoting yourself to your writing so seriously. Now you just have to water your budding spine with regular doses of introspection (what do YOU need?) and feed it with self-confidence (too much can smell like the source of fertilizer, but some is indispensable).

Boys who treat me like a delicate flower (here, have a pedicure and stop pouting) make me sick. MEN who treat me like an equal -- who care about me but know who they are and have a mind and spine of their own -- turn me on. A lot. My husband is such a man.

Good luck and best wishes for your book.

[mistri]

In my spare time I write - my husband plays videogames. For together time we sit together to watch our favourite TV shows and occasionally go to movies/restaurants.

What do you do together? Maybe you need to work something out that can be a time for you to be together.

But other than that she should understand why you need to work uninterrupted - as others have said, it's a job, basically.

If my partner was not understanding or if his presence while I was writing was annoying I would consider (as someone else mentioned) hiring a desk or small office somewhere. I once saw an ad in a local paper that said a group of writers had come together to hire an office space and they needed one more person to rent it. I believe there are also website that list places where sole people can hire desk space.

I always thought that would be a great idea partly because at home there are many things around to distract me from writing, whereas if I was paying for an office I'd want to get my money's worth and there would be little else to do there.

[pianoman5]

Ahh, ain't love grand?

There's poor old 'Frustrated' desperately wanting to write, to express himself and do what he has to, and there's his loving girlfriend, whingeing about not receiving enough attention despite getting almost all of it, and sensitively showing the depth and intensity of her love for him by playing movies or loud hateful music while he's trying to concentrate. It's only natural that he'd want to appease her.

Ahh, ain't love blind?

The good news about love of this kind - where hormones get in the way of sound judgement - is that it typically only lasts about 18 months. Thereafter, relationships either move on to a more sensible rationalised footing or break up because the participants realise they're not really suited to each other.

'Frustrated', if you still see your girlfriend's behaviour as acceptable after that period, no greater love hath any man for any woman.

(P.S. I'm sure none of us would be crass enough to see good storyline material here, but I don't suppose there's any chance of your getting your partner to post?
'Aggrieved' - selfish boyfriend - addicted to his stupid computer - give him 100% attention - doesn't care about me - just sits there while I'm slaving away keeping house for him - kidding himself he's a writer - does he deserve me?)

[anatole ghio]

I agree with Nateskate...

this girl suffers from low self-esteem and is looking for her boyfriend for validation. As long as she is looking for him to validate her, any solutions to his writing problems won't really address the core issue, her feelings of unworthiness. As long as she needs him to feel validated, there will always be some sort of issue relating to her neediness.

I hope that this works out for you and there have been some solutions offered that will help in the short run... it's the long run that concerns me more.

Take care -

Anatole

[reph]

I'll ask Frustrated something that makes me sound priggish and quaint. I don't care.

Are you two thinking about getting married?

Many answers are possible, including the following two. If it's "Yes, if she fixes this dependency problem of hers," I have to say you may have a long wait. If it's "No, that would be impossible," I have a second question: How do you see the relationship ending?

[Frustrated]

Thank you to everyone who posted. Lots of good advice here. I had no idea so many people would make the effort to help.

[Nateskate]

Hey Frustrated, good to see you. Yeah, we care, and although we don't all see eye to eye on the solution, most of us really do hope you work this out.

At the risk of being publicly excoriated, as the boards -"hack Dr Phil Wannabe" I'll continue my thought.

You always want your children to have an easier life than you had. That may not happen, and it may not even be good, because trials and tribulations are often character builders as long as you face them with wisdom. But they also have the power to utterly destroy a person, because most of our parents (Most) did not instruct us on what life would throw at us.

I'll preface this by saying, "My wife and I were two fixer-uppers" who fell in love, and presumed that marriage would meet all of our needs, and we'd find the love, and nurture that we needed to face life.

My wife is a beautiful person at her core. I always see that. And in many ways, I'm a beautiful person at the core, in that I've always cared about people, and try to be loyal to a fault. Yet, with all of our best intentions, marriage is the worst place to work out your issues, not the best place. But most wounded people don't have that kind of incite. And so, the pressures that life throws at you, stirs up the pains, fears of abandonment...etc. In a relationship, you need to negotiate, and sometimes you are in a place not of your own choosing, whether it be financial hardships, or physical hardships, layoffs, in-law intrusions...etc.

We have been married for twenty five years, and do love each other, and have made it through what I will call life-storms. I've never been unfaithful, and plan to point our rocking chairs to the west someday, and watch each and every sunset together. So, people who come from wounded backgrounds are not doomed to stay that way.

Back to the point, I don't want my kids to have a hard life, so I warned them, "Don't get involved in a relationship with a fixer-upper," not because it is futile, but simply because you will find more pain to overcome, and that pain destroys relationships in many cases.

So, I said what I said to you, more as paternal advice. Get fixed first, then get married. Work out your issues before you have children together, a mortgage, bad bosses, and set-backs. Otherwise, under the pressure, all the junk comes to the surface. If someone was abused terribly as a child (My wife) she will take any raising of the voice in a heated discussion as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and flashbacks of a father who was a tyrant kicking and screaming.

Or in my case, (abandonment issues) feeling threatened that her anger at this or that tapped into fears that I'm just not good enough to be loved...I'm unlovable".

Well, issues are always issues that can be worked out, but when you have issues tapping into all of your insecurities, they exacerbate every argument, and instead of sounding like, "I'd just like you to...." our complex brains filter that and translates that into, "I wish you had never been born."

Okay, back to being a hack: Do women "by nature" find meaning in relationship (More than men do?) Are we biologically hardwired that way. Yes. And it's not simply pop psychology that proves that, but science.

Anyone who has Labrador Retrievers (One pet at a time) who has raised a male and a female, will realize that once you open the front door, the male bolts, but the female stays right with you, (Unless you had multiple dogs and the young learned from the old)

In the woods- the male will go off and explore, unless you train it to stay close. But by nature it will go off alone. The female prefers to stay near enough to always see her pack. If you have multiple dogs, they will go off together, otherwise, the humans are her back. In fact, she will get underfoot more than a male will, because she wants to be close. It's in her instincts. Same with Lions. Look at the pride. The females hunt together, the men often hunt alone. It is hardwired into their instincts.

Women have more connecting fibers linking the two sides of their brain. They are more communicative, more empathic, and more relational at birth.

Men's brains allow them to focus better, whereas women's brains allow them to multi-task better. Give a male a list of ten things to do, even with the list, he'll by nature forget six. IN fact, he'll lose the list.

This is why women are more prone to ask, "Did you miss me?" and to mean it. And guys could have been thinking about everything but her during the day, and have to give the obligatory, "Yes I missed you very much"- a learned response, since any other answer is not acceptable.

Women assume that men think like they think. I said that women have a biological gift to multi-task. This is absolutely necessary in terms of survival of the species. Someone has to remember the kids needs, who has been fed, who has a doctor's apt, who needs sneakers. This is why sitcoms always play the "Dad takes over the home" and messes up card. He is more overwhelmed by multi-tasking and trying to remember. He forgets to take the kid to the doctor...etc.

Women think this is because of "choice" and terrible "Men" priorities. No, we just aren't good at it. Which is why men flounder with big dates, and are more likely to forget them, a cause of stress, because again, that is unacceptable.

Biologically, men are hunters/gatherers. We focus on a single task, because once upon a time, gathering food was so essential, that if you didn't succeed, the family didn't eat. So, men have a biological ability to focus on a single task and to block out other matters (Which is terrible in multitasking in a house with four kids). In the field, he isn't thinking about whether this deer is the mother of Bambi, but whether his own kids get fed.

This gift of "Tuning out", is an annoyance, because hunting for food isn't necessary when you have a supermarket. However, who can read the paper and tune out the kids better? Who can watch the game, and tune out the kids better? Why do men do it? "Because we can". But that doesn't mean we should.

Obviously, our "Gifts" need to be tempered by our motivations.

That is why you can get absorbed in things, and not even be aware that you were ignoring your wife, which is why I pointed out, "Make an effort to take care of those things, because by nature it may go against the grain."

And even if your girlfriend "gets under foot" more than you'd like, some of it is hardwired. However, in her case, it sounds like the degree is beyond normal.

[mr mistook]

I'm sorry Nate, but I just don't buy into this view that little boys are made of snips, and snails, and puppy dog tails, while little girls are sugar, and spice, and everything nice.

The science that backs up this idea of men as hunters and women as care-givers - the whole venus/mars thing - is fairly dubious stuff. It's just a way to reinforce the roles that society would like us to play.

I've never shot a hoop in my life, but on the other hand, I did teach myself to sew. In most of the relationships I've been in, it was me who was the sensitive one - the hopeless romantic who wants to talk it all out. Most of my girlfriends have been pretty tight-lipped when it came to discussing their feelings, and a few of them were quite jockish when it came to blowing off steam.

My whole generation is famous for bending and breaking gender rules. My first girlfriend was as butch as they come, with a buzz-cut and a biker jacket, and she just adored skinny, overly sensitive boys like me with long hair, wearing eye liner and lipstick while we sat around writing poetry.

I think this venus/mars stuff is just a conservative backlash meant to bring people back into line. Society wants to beleive there's some intrinsic line in the sand between femininity and masculinity, but it's not true. Souls do not have gender, and the whole of human experience is open to any individual who dares to explore themselves.

[Nateskate]

There are two things here. One is the hardwired differences, and the other is the spectrum of variation within the genders.

With the techniques they have now, they have actually monitored brain development of males and females in the wombs. They do not develop exactly alike. Science has shown this.

And science has made specific generalizations based upon this. Women do have more connecting fibers between both sides of the brain which allow for quicker retrieval of information, and this accounts for the fact that in general, women are hardwired to talk more than a man. Women do have better short term memory, but men have better spacial abilities.

If you look at animals, instincts are hardwired, and most of them are ingenius, in that they work together to preserve the species. Some will see this as spiritual, others believe it evolved. I won't tell you what to believe, but it does exist.

You don't need to draw a map for birds to figure out where to go. They simply know. Likewise, nesting instincts kick in automatically when young are coming.

To say this is hardwired into animals, and not into humans is not realistic. With that said, I do agree that we have a wide spectrum of "Normal" between the genders.

For instance, "Macho" does not equal "Male", there is a spectrum of masculinity. A sensitive artistic male is no less male because he isn't into sports and trucks. Likewise, there is a spectrum in the female as well.

So, I agree some males are artisitic, and it is pig headed to take someone and try to stuff his gift, because it isn't fitting in with societal expectations.

Just the same, some women like driving trucks instead of sewing.

I have two children. One is sensitive, and artistic. He likes to sew, and loves decorating shows. He's not gay, but he simply is on that pole of maleness. The other son loves football, he is sensitive, but not nearly as sensitive as his brother. He likes working with wood crafts, but in general doesn't gravitate to art.

Both are normal. If one wants to be an interior decorator, great. If that's his gift, then I'd encourage him.

So, this isn't about that. I'm talking about hardwired differences, not spectrums of preferences and inclinations.

Honestly, I was a scholarship athlete, and my sewing son was a gifted athlete as well, but he didn't want to do that anymore. So, if he wants to design clothes or whatever, I'll support it.

[Kikazaru]

If I'm reading this correctly you were fine as a couple as long as you both were working, but now that you are both at home the relationship is strained. The issue is that now you are both at home, you are now the only one that is doing something (or trying to). Your GF's only purpose is you. This is the crux of the matter. No matter how much people love each other there must be more in their lives than each other, or there is nothing to discuss over the breakfast table and your couplehood becomes as exciting as yesterday's oatmeal. Have you ever noticed that often, when one spouse retires, the other spouse finds a burning need to get back to work - or else risk murdering the spouse that is always underfoot. Too much togetherness is not a good thing - it is stifling.

In any case, imo if you want to continue the relationship, explain as was suggested by several people here how you expressly took this time off to write, you are not on a year long holiday. Make a schedule and stick to it like a 9 -5 job, reserving evenings and weekends for your GF. If she can't understand, then you have some choices to make and that is, leave everyday to work somewhere else, or reconsider a relationship with someone who cannot see any other point of view, beyond themselves.

[mr mistook]

Okay, I can buy that. Not knowing enough on the subject of hardwired brain connections, I can't really argue with you, except to speculate that brain physiology might not have any more bearing on a person's behavior than the obvious physical differences between men and women.

Anyway, as it relates to the main subject of this thread, I just want to say that my conflict with a girlfriend over artistic freedom and so forth had nothing whatever to do with our genders or our roles.

The salient fact was, I considered myself an artist, and I intended to persue the life of an artist. My girlfriend, let's call her Joan, knew *full well* about my artistic plans from the day we met. As a matter of fact, this is what attracted her to me.

But once we "shacked up" she changed her tune. Suddenly I wasn't making enough money, I wasn't giving her enough attention, and the creative spirit she once praised became actively scorned as the purile persuits of a man-child who refused to "grow up".

I expect that kind of abuse from the outside world. It's a hazard that comes with the calling, but I don't have to put up with it in my own home. I watched several fellow artists cave under that kind of pressure and give up their art for the sake of domestic tranquility. It's really a make or break situation.

Standing my ground meant living alone for the next four years, because our differences were irreconcilable. I basically told Joan, "Look, I'm not the boyfriend you're looking for. You want a man who can bring home the bacon and put you up in a house. You deserve that. I suggest you go find it."

I lived alone for four years after that. The loneliness was terrible at times, but I was very productive in my art, and in the core of my being I was happy.

[Nateskate]

Sounds like she liked you, and probably your art, but had unrealistic expectations about the marketplace, and how hard it is to make a living with art.

I think many find artistic gifts as an attractive quality in and of it self, but that doesn't mean they are willing to struggle along sad to say.

Did she badger you to "Make it," as if it was your fault it wasn't bringing in more money?

[Gala]

Hi Frustrated--

Your girlfriend knows what she wants. She knows how to get what she wants. She meets her goal, no matter what it takes. She is unstoppable, from what you say.

We can learn a lot from her.

Good luck.

[maestrowork]

We can learn a lot from her.

Like "how not to have a relationship"?

[pianoman5]

Once upon a time in Europe there lived a man named A. Hitler. His single-mindedness gave him a certain unstoppable quality, and a good deal of misery was entailed in stopping him.

God (or Omniscient, Omnipresent, Omnipotent Life Force of your choice) save us from unstoppable people.

[HConn]

I skimmed the psych lessons, but I do want to say this:

There will be, over the course of your life, many challenges to your writing: girlfriends, spouses, kids, bosses, friends, hobbies, debts, luxuries, and mindless entertainments, just to name a few.

If you fail at any of these challenges, you won't be a writer any more. That's not such a bad thing, especially if it means you spend more time with your kids, volunteering at the soup kitchen, or starting your own business and hiring people who need jobs. But you won't be a writer.

So, are you up to this challenge? Will you do whatever it takes, even if that means finding a girlfriend who doesn't treat your dreams with contempt? Or will you feed hungry children at the soup kitchen?

It's up to you. Good luck, Frustrated.

[Gala]

Hitler? Oh my, what genius simile.

Here's an inspiring book. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1570713383/qid=1105839769/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/102-6115672-7056968" target="_new">Unstoppable</a>: 45 Powerful Stories of Perseverance and Triumph from People Just Like You

A writer wrote it.

[Gala]

<blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>especially if it means you spend more time with your kids, volunteering at the soup kitchen, or starting your own business and hiring people who need jobs. But you won't be a writer.<hr></blockquote>
I'm a published and paid writer and I do versions of all the above frequently and regularly. And I write about it.
<img border=0 src="http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/wink.gif" />

ymmv

[mr mistook]

Did she badger you to "Make it," as if it was your fault it wasn't bringing in more money?

Well, my philosophy has always been that if I take the time every day to develop my skills, and to create, that somehow, some way, it will all pay off in the end.

Now, if she had been supporting me, I guess that would be a different story, but I did have a day job at the time (at the library). I loved the job, because it gave me an opportunity to read and educate myself, and I had three days off rather than only two.

This meant less income, of course, but to "pull my weight" as it were, I did all the dishes, the cleaning, and the laundry. She did work more than me, but once she was home, the evening was hers to enjoy. I spent a good deal of time with her. We watched the tube together, and went out on dates.

I thought it was a fair arrangement. I was learning skills and educating myself, much as if I had been a full time student at an art school.

--------

Anyway, here's the rub:

She became very selfish about what was her property. She had a computer that she never used. It sat collecting dust in the corner of our small flat, but she refused to let me use it because it was hers, and her money had paid for it. This was one of her tactics to guilt me into getting a "real" job.

In the end, my brother gave me his old computer when he bought a new one. I got myself online immediately, and not three weeks later had taught myself the basics of HTML. I mastered the art of computer graphics, and of course, I had a very good sense of style and composition. Within a few months I landed a job as the web designer for a mortgage firm.

It was then that I dumped her, because if she had just let me use her computer two years earlier, I could have gotten this lucrative job that much sooner and fulfilled her own demands. Her lack of faith in my methods had literally held me back.

[HConn]

I'm a published and paid writer and I do versions of all the above frequently and regularly. And I write about it.

That's nice, but beside the point in this current discussion.

[Gala]

no, becuase the point was that real writers don't have time to to the things on your list. Most of the pro writers on this board do those things. Read their bios, and many of them have talked of it in their posts. And we all write about and use our real life experiences. That's what writers do.

Not every writer, obviously.

[Nateskate]

Mr, every time I see more of your story, I get the impression that you are better off out of that relationship.

Maybe everyone has their comfort level in what is mine and yours; but if you were already living together, and she didn't let you use an unused computer gathering dust, then down the road, I could see more misery than happiness.

Some people gravitate towards selfish self-centered behavior. You may buy a loaf of bread, but they won't let you use their butter. Obviously that can be exploited by people who are leeches who only take take, and never give back; but you certainly don't sound like that kind of person. In fact, you seem like a giving person to me, and in your case, she'd have grieved you over and over again.

I hope you find someone giving next time around. It just makes life so much more pleasant.

Nate.

[mr mistook]

I hope you find someone giving next time around. It just makes life so much more pleasant.


Oh, well this all happened years ago. I lived with that girl between 1996 and 1999. I lived alone after that until 2003 when my new girlfriend moved in here with me, and this is a much better relationship. :)

[Nateskate]

I didn't realize you met someone else, maybe I just assumed that because the other sounded like she left an indelible impression.

She sounded kind of like the "one who ruined me for life" types. I dated one of those before I met my wife. She was on the rebound from a dysfunctional relationship when I met her in college. We fell fast and hard in love, and were talking marriage. However, being that she didn't like to be alone, when I went home to visit my mother for two weeks, she succumbed to this old flames advances.

At that age, when you meet someone you fall hard for, and think "This is the one I'm spending the rest of my life with", and they dump you for a guy who mistreated her to begin with, you take it kind of hard...tears chewing up the carpet... waiting for her to come to her senses, when in reality I needed to come to my senses. After her, I was rather off balanced for a while in terms of whether to trust I could ever know that "this is the one." and even pathetically waited around, thinking this other person would see the error of her ways, and come back. So, I kept a wedge between me and other women for a time.

[mr mistook]

Oh God, I've been 'ruined for life' about five times over. I don't know if you ever used to watch Dr. Who, but I feel a bit like him - constantly 'regenerating' into a completely different person.

I guess in high school I went through a long string of unrequited crushes / rejections - so you could lump that all together and call it my first ruining.

In my first real relationship I was the jerk, and after I dumped her it was the total, "Don't know what'cha got until it's gone" situation. So - a self-inflicted second ruin.

A few years later I dated this Wiccan chick, who I suppose was clinically insane. After it was over, I was also clinically insane. Third ruin.

Next came the "One That Got Away" - rich chick, really gorgeous. Too band I was clinically insane. (sigh) Fourth ruin.

After that there was a small train-wreck with a girl from town who had, like four kids. I wasn't up for the instant family. Kinda ran from that one.

And THEN I met the girl who wouldn't let me use her computer.

After her came the "Younger Woman" (because I was starting to get old and stuff) and that was fun while it lasted, but of course, it couldn't go on forever.

[pianoman5]

Hey, MM,

Poor old 'Frustrated of Shagrock, Arkansas' was trying to have a whinge about his difficult relationship, and you've totally trumped him.

Most of us go through an awkward phase, but you've extended yours into a life's work. Do you mind if I take notes for later use? ;)


P.S. I really want to know about the Wicca Chick, clinically insane or not.

[mr mistook]

this post got eaten... let me try again

[mr mistook]

Most of us go through an awkward phase, but you've extended yours into a life's work. Do you mind if I take notes for later use?

LOL :rollin Sadly, I often think the same thing. Either I was destined to be a writer, and God has just been giving me really great "material" for the past 15 years, or... I'm a loser who's made a lot of bad choises. :)

Speaking of which (pun intended):

I met the wiccan at a restaurant where I used to hang out. She was really cute, but I already had a girl at the time. The wiccan started stalking me. She got my number and started calling me. She'd leave tarot cards on my car in the morning and white roses on my doorstep at night.

This went on for a few months, in which time I'd broken up with my girlfriend for unrelated reasons. So I started thinking about what a hottie my stalker was, and decided, "Hey, what the hell, right?" We started dating.

She used to go into trances and channel the spirits that haunted her apartment building. They were always very harsh about my ex-girlfriends, but often reminded me that me and this wiccan were soul mates who were meant to be together. I played along - she was so cute after all.

She confessed to me that she'd cast a love spell on me to get me to fall for her. By that time I knew enough of the rules of wicca to know that lovespells were black magic, and carried a heavy karmic debt. I thought, "Wow! This is totally my OUT"

But I played along a few more days - weeks - months. I over-indulged her on the paranormal stuff. I underestimated intrigue that it held for me - especially with all the weed. Before I knew it, I was a believer, dabbling with my own spells, and doing my own studies of metaphysics.

We actually broke up over philosophical differences. She felt my style of metaphysics was too creative and liberal. Turns out that wiccans are really on the "hard right" when it comes to the occult.

It took almost two years for me to return to the world of sane people. All I can say is - the freaky world of the paranormal was spookier, but it was a lot less boring (*sigh).

[HConn]

no, becuase the point was that real writers don't have time to to the things on your list.

No, that was not the point of the post.

[NicoleJLeBoeuf]

Hi there, mr mistook,

I feel compelled, after reading your tale, to point out something a bit off-topic but possibly necessary to avoid people getting the wrong impression:

There actually are Wiccans who are sane. There actually are Wiccans with a casual, ecclectic attitude towards magic, metaphysics, and worship (although the more dogmatic ones are not necessarily less sane). There are, in fact, Wiccans who practice their faith in a mature way and, what's more, actually try to abide by the Rede ("an it harm none" yadda yadda yadda).

I'm very, very sorry you had to meet up with one of them what give Wicca a bad name. But we're not all nutbars, honest!

-----------------------

Obligatory on-topic remark: Frustrated, if you're still reading this thread, my completely inexperienced suggestion would be to start by saying, "Honey, how would you feel if I got a job? Would that be OK? Would that make you feel neglected?" Hopefully she says that would be super cool awesome actually. Then you say, "OK, how would you feel if I told you I actually have a job right now, and that job is writing?" This should hopefully lead into the much needed discussion in which you try to get her to understand that writing is a legitimate job and she needs to be just as patient with you writing novels as she would be with you flipping burgers at the local Micky-Dee's.

This is, admittedly, easier to do if your writing is paying any significant percentage of your bills.

I haven't actually lived through this scenario, thankfully. I dated someone for awhile who thought his poetry was all that and a bag of chips but my short stories were dismissible. (Appropos to the first half of this post: He also thought that my particular religious faith was something I'd grow out of.) That lasted about six months. I am now married to a guy who goes to work 9-to-5 so that I can stay home and write. "She's happier now," he tells people. He also tells them, "As soon as she writes the next Harry Potter, I can retire." He says the latter with much more tongue in cheek than the former, Gods bless 'im.

What I'm saying is, as I'm not in your shoes at the moment, my advice should be taken with salt, if at all. But it's all I can think of, so, there you go.

[mr mistook]

Nicole,

My apologies. I wasn't portraying Wicca in the best light. As I said, I was a beleiver myself at one time. Sorry if I portrayed Wicca itself as some form of insanity. It's no more insane than believing in an invisible God who controls the universe or that Moses turned sticks into living snakes. Every religion, spirituality, and even many philosophies (such as Budhism) have "beliefs" that are "extraordinary" or "paranormal".

But I do beleive this particular girls was abusing the faith - perhaps fooling herself to a degree. We've got no shortage of Christians doing the same thing: "God says, gimme' yer money!" That kind of thing.

[NicoleJLeBoeuf]

No offense taken - and apologies if I came across as dismissive of your experiences. Again, sorry you lost so much precious time to that crazy gal. Here's hoping your tomorrows are more cheerful than your yesterdays!

I think there are a lot of human beings out there who use religion, whatever their favorite religion is, as an excuse to perpetrate insanities on those close to them. (It's practically a coming of age rite for newly converted Pagans to realize that the faith they've adopted is no more immune to that kind of nonsense than was the faith they were raised in!)