"You Write Like a Girl!" Excerpt #9

Bartholomew

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School forced me to slack off on my forum browsing. I've got another entry to post yet, and then I'll start doling out answers via rep points. :)

##

Lissandra was in trouble. The warrior maiden bled on the ground, her dark red juices pumping from a wound between her small, bare breasts. Her empty sword hand lay outstretched above her head, and her other hand rested on her side as if just lacking the strength to reach the hole in her stomach. It was no surprise the world was growing blurry, or that thick blood clogged her throat as she struggled to breathe. After all, she'd already been run through twice already.

Her enemy nudged at her limp sword hand, a frown on his wide stubbly face. "And here I thought you would be one to put up something of a fight. But it seems I've only found another damsel in distress." He raised his sword, intent on delivering the final blow.

Bursting into motion, Lissandra's fingers clasped him about the ankle and pulled. With a yelp of surprise, he fell to his back. Lissandra sat bolt upright, snatching her sword from the ground and thrusting it forward. Her opponent too sat, just in time to catch the point in his chest. His mouth gaped open, disbelieving.

"H-how . . ?"

"You fool," she said, spitting the words out through a bloody mist. "I am never helpless, not as long as I draw breath."

She pulled the sword out and he sank away, his eyes glazing over as more crimson flowed to soak the sand. Then she fell back herself with a moan, the blade tumbling from her hand.

It took a moment for the head judge to collect himself and announce the outcome. "The winner, and High Games champion, Lissandra!"

Lissandra's sister ran Kelsie out onto the fighters' pit, kneeling by her side and cradling her in slender arms. "Sister, no! Please, hold on. The medics are coming soon--they'll save you."

"See?" she gasped, reaching up to play with Kelsie's delicate curls. "I told you I'd win for you. Now that you have the prize money, you can finally have that big wedding you always dreamed of . . ." Her hand dropped back, and her heavy eyelids began to slide shut.

"Lissandra, no, don't go! My life will be dark without you. Please, I'll do anything you ask, just stay with me!"

"Anything?" Lissandra asked, her failing heart beating stronger for a moment.

"Anything."

"Alright, I'll think about it. I just need to rest a bit for now, though." And she closed her eyes.

Beside her, Kelsie wept.

#

Three months later, Kelsie slapped Lissandra's cheek as she lay motionless in her bed. "Sister, wake up! It's the big day, don't you remember?"

Lissandra groaned and slowly opened her eyes. "It's too early. An active girl like me needs more sleep than this."

"You can sleep later. You know how many times you ignored my shouting? I honestly thought you were dead, again."

Lissandra chuckled. "I really had you fooled that time, didn't I? It was worth it to close my eyes, just to hear you wail like a little baby."

"You promise never to do that again, you jerk! You really scared me."

Kelsie turned to leave, but Lissandra grabbed her by the arm. "Speaking of promises, you remember the one you made me that day?"

"How could I not? If I'd known how godlike-tough you are, I'd never have said that. Teasing me all the time . . ."

She shook her head. "Well, I was only joking around all those times. But the jokes stop today. You promised you'd do anything for me; today I redeem that promise.

"Don't marry Damon."

"What?! Sister, how can you ask such a thing? It's my wedding day! You know I've been been planning this forever. I can't just-"

"Stop, and listen. You can have you wedding, just as planned. But don't marry Damon. I've seen you two together, and you've nothing in common--and I think he's a jealous shithead, besides. Ask Phillip instead. I know you love him, and he you. You'll make a lovely couple."

Kelsie's eyes filled with tears. "But I can't! What about my obligations and responsibilities, my duties to our family? Mother will go crazy if I do what you ask."

"Forget about all that. From sister to sister, you promised you'd do anything for me. Well, I've decided to use that to help you. How many rules have I broken over the years? Just once, forget about the world. Follow your heart, and it'll take you places you've never dreamed existed."

"I never thought you could speak like that," Kelsie said, a smile coming hesitantly to her face. "But you're right. I love Phillip, and I can't stand Damon. Fine, I'll do as you wish. I did promise."

"Yes you did." Lissandra grinned and slapped her sister's shoulder, so hard that Kelsie stumbled back and fell to her rump. "Atta girl, sis! Maybe I'll wean you out of your wussiness, yet!"
 

JJ Cooper

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Tough one. Let me see.

"her dark red juices pumping from a wound between her small, bare breasts" - I was thinking Male until I noted the size of the breasts.:D

"you can finally have that big wedding you always dreamed of" - Yep, gotta go with Female. But wait, it could be a Male being sarcastic.:)

"just to hear you wail like a little baby" - sounds Male.:)

"But you're right. I love Phillip, and I can't stand Damon." - Gone back to Female again.:)

I would like to say two writers here. If I can't then I would go for a Female writer just for the names (Lissandra and Kelsie v Phillip and Damon).

JJ
 
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Bartholomew

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I guess, uh...

Oh, wait, nevermind, the author PMed me h** gender.
 

Vandal

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The desciptions have a female ring to them (small, bare breasts), but it's close.
 

Mel

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Male.

There were word and sentence choices that didn't feel like a female wrote this, to me. One or two areas, I think, would have been played out more from a female's writing perspective. This felt more like a get in, get the job done, move on during the fight and then the marriage/love issue.