Emergency, anyone mind skimming a paragraph?

[Nolita]

Well, I'm establishing my characters, and there's a supporting character(I use movie terms sometimes sorry), part of her function is to help us see one of the main characters clearly. She's a vet who I not so cleverly named, Dr. Dierenarts('till I can come up with something better). Anyway, this is about grammar. Archer's body shook violently, as he tried to supress his tears. It was disconcerting for the vet to see this massive man, at once, tall, lanky, and stout, so emotional. Reactions to bad news vary, and she had to deliver plenty of bad news in her practice. Still, he didn't seem the type to break down over a cat. Then again, he didn't seem the type to own a cream colored Persian in the first place. At a glance, she would have seen him as a dog person. The sort of man to own a Rottweiler, or Bull Mastiff. Years of experience told her, although people can look like their pets, they frequently enough don't. Hey, what about that beat cop who comes in with his toy poodle? Or the pretty, petite hair stylist who brings her English Bulldog in for regular check ups? She reminded herself.

It's driving me batty. It's probably verbose, hehe, I'm verbose. But the last part, did I use correct grammar for writing her thought? Would She thought work just as well? Okay, I lied, a few paragraphs including the set up, and this one.

[J. Weiland]

It's not the grammar but the style you are enquiring about.

S. M. Stirling who sells quite a few books does it the same way with thoughs; writes them out in italics.

Correct me if I'm off-track. Otherwise, it works.

Thought or reminded? I think both work. You could also do without. That works also, I think.

[Maryn]

Well, I'm establishing my characters, and there's a supporting character(I use movie terms sometimes sorry), part of her function is to help us see one of the main characters clearly. She's a vet who I not so cleverly named, Dr. Dierenarts('till I can come up with something better). Anyway, this is about grammar. Archer's body shook violently, as he tried to supress his tears. [Did he supress them? If so, eliminate tried to.] It was disconcerting for disconcerted the vet to see this massive man, at once, tall, lanky, and stout, so emotional. Reactions to bad news vary, and she had to deliver plenty of bad news in her practice. [Consider reversing the clause order, so you have her delivering bad news often, then the varying reactions, to maintain normal temporal order.] Still, he didn't seem the type to break down over a cat. Then again, he didn't seem the type to own a cream[-]colored Persian in the first place. At a glance, she would have seen him as a dog person.[,][t]The sort of man to own a Rottweiler, or Bull Mastiff. Years of experience told her, proved that although people can look like their pets, they frequently enough don't. Hey, what about that beat cop who comes in with his toy poodle? Or the pretty, petite hair stylist who brings her English Bulldog in for regular check ups? S[s]he reminded herself.

It's driving me batty. It's probably verbose, hehe, I'm verbose. But the last part, did I use correct grammar for writing her thought? Would She thought work just as well? Okay, I lied, a few paragraphs including the set up, and this one.
I had some problems with the commas and a few slightly awkward phrases, but that's not what you asked about. (Feel free to ignore my tweaks.)

I'm aware that some authors italicize thought, and if that's your choice, fine. (My preference is the other way.) However, in this paragraph there isn't a clear line between action (to borrow a screenwriting term, just like you!) and thought. Aren't the notion that Archer looks like a dog person, and that she knows people don't necessarily resemble their pets, also her thoughts?

I think the potential mis-step might be in the clear division between your POV character's action lines and her to-herself dialogue/thoughts. I'm sure you can sort that out quite nicely. When you do, if you still want to go with italics, there's probably no tag/attribute (the she thought part) needed.

If you choose not to italicize and need to add a tag for clarity, don't capitalize the thinker if you use a pronoun. Treat it just like dialogue, without the quotation marks: How weird, she thought. Better get going, or I'll be late, she reminded herself. Like that.

Maryn, who does tend to go on...

[Nolita]

Thanks Maryn, you too J. Weiland. I asked for help with the thought, because I was planning to go over the rest with a fine toothed comb, after I finish my first draft. Maryn managed to read my mind, and see what I was having the most trouble with, even though I hadn't "articulated" my problems thoroughly.

It wasn't just italics, it was formatting as well, and not knowing for sure if I was allowed to put the spaces in.

Somehow I managed to lose the better part of what I wrote, so it turns out, my problems were blessings in disguise. A sort of unintentional backup.

I think I'm stuck with the part about him coming across as a dog person. If I change it to proper thoughts, then shouldn't I change the tense as well? From seemed to seems, and adjust it's grammar as well?

I'm having a lot of fun playing around with stereotypes. One lame(imho) one is people and their pets. Somehow, if a big, tough looking, guy, has a fluffy-wuffy kitty, or chihuahua, it throws people off. It's unexpected(I'm talking about in RL, where I've seen guys get double-takes for having cute little pets, instead of big strong, manly, pets).

Okay, all stereotypes are lame. I just prefer to play around with them, to either adhering to, or fighting, them.

Archer's the hero of the story(he just doesn't know it yet). Sure he looks the part, and eventually he rises to the occasion, but on the inside, he's a bit of a moosh. He didn't even want the cat. Was a former girlfriend's idea. Woman left, cat stayed. He's better off.

There I go again, expecting people to read my thoughts. The vet falls into stereotypical thought too, but she pulls herself back out of it. Maybe that's obvious in the writing, but in case it isn't, there I broke it down.

Oh yeah, forgot. He did break down. Bawling and blubbering like a big ol' baby. Heehee. The vet was so unnerved by his display that she started petting him on the shoulder, like he was one of her patients. Not patting, petting and stroking. Do I get a cookie?

[Maryn]

It's fun to buck stereotypes, IMO. I mean, how many times have you made certain assumptions about someone based on stereotypes or your own preconceived notions, and when you got to know them, learned you were so, so wrong? I'm well into the zillions.

I think you would want to tinker with verb tense, making thought present tense, and consider making the inner monologue a different style than the narrative. More casual, breezier, if it suits your character, or dour and bitter, whatever. That's when we'll get to know her, when we're inside her head.

Maryn, hoping this helps

[Nolita]

Awe, no cookie :(.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[pdr]

but doesn't lanky mean tall and thin in the USA?

Surely someone cannot be lanky and stout?

On stereotypes my excellent hairdresser, who is your classic effeminate male hairdresser, has as a hobby rodeos, he likes to ride bucking broncos!

[ErylRavenwell]

I hate italics. They are awkward to read. If you tag your thoughts no need to italicize.

[ErylRavenwell]

but doesn't lanky mean tall and thin in the USA?

Surely someone cannot be lanky and stout?



Good point.

[Kentuk]

Thepara read well but how are you getting into the head of a minor character? That would take some special handling and you would need to repeat the feat with other minor characters.

[Nolita]

Lanky, means tall and long limbed. To be fair, it can be a reference to weight as well. Anyway, I changed it to just massive, after arguing with myself if I should use rangy. At any rate, was trying to use as few words as I could to describe someone who's tall, but solid. Stout, in my head doesn't really mean "fat". I'm sure some people read(present tense) it as such(which is why I got rid of those things), but as I understand it, the word just means solid.

Examples of someone being tall, rangy, and stout, in RL: Some tennis players, are all three things. Okay, so they're lop-sided too. Their height, can make them look thin, but they aren't, they're very muscular and solid. Still, they're tall, with long limbs.

Then there's this semi-famous actor, Clancy Brown. He's about 6' 4" tall. Long limbs, I'm tempted to call him short waisted. but it's really that he's long limbed, and it makes kind of an optical illusion. But he's massive. Famous movies he's acted in: Shawshank Redemption and The Highlander. I think it was the creator of The Highlander who called him "A bear of a man". I don't think he really looks bearish. To me, bearish is barrel chested and large, but with shorter legs. I think of for example: John Goodman, as bearish. Big and tall, but with legs short when compared to his torso length.

For now, massive will do. I can show his height, when he towers over something or someone.

As for having to repeat thoughts with other minor characters, in this case it's a good thing. I was going to have to do it anyway(or at least try to). I have these characters later in the story. They do more than they say. So I need for their thoughts to be readable(but in simple language). I'm not up to that part yet, but one of their simpler thoughts would be something like: food? not food? actions(sniffing, touching, licking) FOOD!

Sorry for the italics, just illustrating as best I can for now.

[Maryn]

[Maryn seeks a picture of Clancy Brown] Oh, him. Right. Yeah, he's one of those people who may be carrying 20 pounds extra at times, but he's not fat, just a big man, thickly built, solid without being gym-formed. You just know he's strong as hell, and it's no surprise he's often cast as a cop or military man. He exudes physical power.

Hmm, I wouldn't use the word stout to describe him, though. (Would that be the proper term outside the US? My UK-ish is weak. I'm not sure the word stout has the negative connotations it does in the US.) My adjective of choice might be the simple big, although I might add a simile or metaphor.

Maryn, glad to learn this guy's name

[Nolita]

Okay, I lost some writing, reworked what was left(scrapping stuff I didn't need), anyway, how about, and this isn't from the novel yet, just spit-balling:

I can put in a scene where he's getting coffee, and the barista looks up and thinks...Whoa, that's a tall drink of water. He ain't a gymn-bunny, but he ain't a slouch neither

I'm not commited to the word gymn-bunny, it's slang, maybe not everyone's familliar, and it may be a passing term. I know I can find the right word. In the barista instance, they have to think it, because they wouldn't have the gall to say it. Actually, they could just think: Whoa...He's tall. Ain't a gymn-bunny, but ain't a slouch niether Any combo. I'm thinking 6' 4" ish, that definitely gets looks, but not as much as someone who's say, 6' 9" or something. Tall, and big, but believable.

Something like that? Just riffin' but I can't find a word to describe him, that doesn't give an almost opposite impression of him. It's like, I use the words, according to their definitions, but they make people think of something else.

It's like the word ignorant. Even though it means uninformed or missinformed, people think you're calling a person stupid. I inevitably end up protesting, "But we're all ignorant of something!" If he were just ignorant, I'd have tons of wiggle room. I could say he was ignorant of this, or that. I could say he was unaware of something, or uninformed, even that he: just hadn't heard. So much wiggle room.

I'm so not wanting to force people to break out the thesaurus every time I write a story. Guess I'm off to a bad start.