Interview With a Character -- by Me!
Me: Just to set the scene for our readers, I'm interviewing my character and good friend, Akiahr, in his home over a plate of, ummm, let's see, cheese sandwiches?
Akiahr: Yes, they are cheese. You _do_ realize that I cannot use those little utensils. Hunter pre-cut everything for me so I could make them for you.
Me: Heh. Yes. Well, they look really good and there aren't too many holes...
Akiahr: You do understand that this interview could be over rather quickly?
Me: Oh. Sorry, then. I'll begin.
Akiahr: Please do. I have an appointment in a half an hour.
Me: Right. On with it. How do you like being in my novel?
Akiahr: It is alright. I am a little bit annoyed that you have failed to get it finished.
Me: I'm working on it! Give me a break!
Akiahr: I am not a patient creature. I have many more things that I want you to write about me and if you take as long with them as you have with this one, you will be dead and I will never get them all done.
Me: Ah.... I'm sorry. I'll get on top of that.
Akiahr: I should hope so. I could think of something else to say right now, but there might be young humans reading this and----
Me: I really appreciate your thoughtfulness! I know that I left myself rather wide open for comments --- damn! Quit grinning! You're incorrigible!
Akiahr: What is incorrigible?
Me: You are. Now can we get on with this?
Akiahr: If we must.
Me: I'm sure that everyone wants to know how you came to be. Can you explain this?
Akiahr: No.
Me: What do you mean 'no?' You pestered me in dreams and nightmares for years! Don't you feel the slightest bit like explaining yourself?
Akiahr: No.
Me: Okay, then. Let's try something else. You're an alien, right? How did you decide on a human to write your adventures?
Akiahr: As far as I could see, you had nothing else going for you, so I stepped in to help. Also, if I had wanted anyone to really believe in aliens, I would not have chosen you as my writer, I would have selected someone much more well known.
Me: Well, I never... Was that a veiled insult?
Akiahr: No. It is merely the truth. You I can have some fun with and no one will be the wiser. I do not want to be hauled back home. I am having a wonderful time. Although it would be better if you hurried up.
Me: Ahem. How do you like the other characters in the book?
Akiahr: I like them quite a bit, especially the females. Why don't you write a book for me that has no other males? I would really enjoy that.
Me: I know. I'm not really into porn... And readers like to have a variety of characters to follow.
Akiahr: I had a feeling that you would not go for that idea.
Me: Now, to get on with this interview.... Hey! These sandwiches are good!
Akiahr: You are surprised?
Me: No, no, not at all. Please don't sharpen your claws like that. You're making me nervous.
Akiahr: Very well. You were going to ask me a question?
Me: Yes. I was wasn't I.... Do you think people will like you as a character?
Akiahr: Why do you ask something silly like that? Of course they will. I am an extraordinary creature! I am attractive, strong, friendly....
Me: Wait a minute! Friendly? What about all those fights?
Akiahr: I was provoked. Other males should not do that. I will protect what is mine.
Me: Boy, do I know that! So -- do you see any way out of the predicament you and your friends are in right now in the book?
Akiahr: That is your job.
Me: Man, getting answers out of you is like pulling teeth. How about a little help here? I'm stuck.
Akiahr: You are the writer. I am Zaraii. It is not my problem that you are 'stuck.' Until you are back at work, I will continue my other job.
Me: Other job.... ?
Akiahr: The appointment that I mentioned earlier? The breeding female?
Me: Umm, er, ah, heh, yes.... I guess we'd better wrap up this little chat, then, eh? Before I get into a whole world of trouble. Or two.
