Script wars

[Fartin Mowler]

Contest with no losers...Take the simple poem Jack and Jill and make it into a script...not to bore everyone just make it a one page dialog or dialogue..any style or format you want. I will work on mine tonight and post part of it or all if I finish. I hope some or all of you will participate. :D

[Fartin Mowler]

my submission to my own competition...

Panning in from a NASA camera down to a hilly mountain side we can see Klaus walking away from Jack. Jack’s back snapped in two from the brute force of the German athletes pure anger leaving him paralyzed and weeping.* * * * Years of competition and arch rivalry had taken it’s toll on the two competitors only to leave an ending that would leave the world numb.


Jill (laying over Jack on a beautiful mountainous trail)

Jill (crying with snot coming out her nose) “God dam it Jack if you want I will go down to the bottom and get you a wheel chair”

Jack (camera shot of jack laying on a bolder that has his back in the shape of a triangle)

“God I love you”

Jill “I know”

Jack “It’s not just a pail of water”

Jill “I know”

Jack “ you know I always’s thought of it as a metaphor”

Jill “I know”

Jack “Do you think you can roll me off this rock?”* * * *

Jill “Look Jack I’ve been having second thoughts about our relationship”

Jack “I think I can still feel my legs”

Jill “It’s just that I’m having mixed emotions with you and the “wear a crown on your head” sponsors”

(Long pause birds fly buy and other competitors stop and ask if Jack is ok but no one rolls him off rock)

Jill “look Jack honestly no one likes you and I was given $50 000 to shut you up about the tainted bucket scandal”

Jack “So that’s it huh”

(Jill puts foot on the side of Jack and rolls him over finally)

Jack (mumbles under his last breath sobbing) “I was offered a million for a Granola bar commercial yesterday and was going to surprise you tonight” (Jack weeps and fade to black)

[Caroyles]

Is this a competition of sarcasm? Are you looking attention?

Come to think of it, it's really hard to post Sarcastic Dialogues. Takes a lot of mind boggling, earth shattering, head banging...

Hmm...can I be your friend?

[Fartin Mowler]

Is this a competition of sarcasm? Are you looking attention?

I clearly wrote that it is just for fun :rolleyes and if people can accept something entertaining and add to it that would be great :o

Come to think of it, it's really hard to post Sarcastic Dialogues. Takes a lot of mind boggling, earth shattering, head banging...

I'm a jerk :lol but a nice one :o

Hmm...can I be your friend?

Are you willing to let down your guard and have fun? writing is imagination and should be fun...not an analytical discussion of "what if's"

[Fartin Mowler]

oops made a mistake

[scripter1]

One of your many.

The first is being a prick.

The second is coming to a respectable web site and having nothing worthwhile to say.

[Fartin Mowler]

Well that was enlightening :rolleyes Hey! Look it's another bitter writer :lol

[dpaterso]

Martin, how many scripts have you read? The formatting of your sample suggests the answer is, "None." Small wonder people are reluctant to reply to your threads since, thus far, it seems unlikely that you can engage in any kind of conversation on screenwriting. Don't you have a favorite movie? Haven't you felt the urge to go read the script to see how it was written? Try www.script-o-rama.com (http://www.script-o-rama.com) -- it's probably there. If and when you edit your sample above into a recognizable format, I might feel inclined to believe you're ready for some serious talk. But if all you're interested in is posting jokes and inflammatory comments then there are dozens -- no, hundreds -- no, thousands -- of message boards and chat rooms worldwide just dying to hear from you. Why hang out in a screenwriting forum unless you're genuinely interested in becoming a screenwriter? Makes no sense.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[Fartin Mowler]

Thanks for your Reply Derek. I just want to say that I did take time to look at your site well before you wrote this and I found your stuff kinda boring :o , but its a different style and I'm sure you have your fans.

If any of you noticed my first post was the fact that I had made a fun forum, for writing weird scripts with sections like "Ok...so you want to make a script?" and "any favorite movie scripts found on the web?" or " Why are the British so much better at writing drama? and comedy?"

Do I follow a strict script writing format? Uh no, I will admit that I have just started to use word perfect and I will try to hone my skills. Will I ever be a screen writer? I've been running a landscape contract business now for 8 years and as a stress reliever and hobby I enjoy writing stuff. Derek have you ever read the script for Pulp fiction or a Monty Python skit?

I'm editing this because I went back to give Derek another chance and I read some of his screen plays....like The Stiletto Sisters and his action packed thriller:rolleyes The switch and It's really high school level stuff. Is my writing better? probably not but I'm pretty self deprecating and I'm willing to take a few jabs at my skills....So far one person wrote "Wow" that was entertaining and "can I be your friend?"... Is it sarcasm? or in between the people that have ego's there might be a few fun people that just want to use there imagination and are willing to put out rough workings like mine.

[Fartin Mowler]

Derek probably won't comment, so here is something I wrote the other night...I'm not very discriptive, so the next one I will work on that.


Rural Kentucky- scene is a small river lit only by the light and a woman holding a flash light towards a man and a young boy

Mother

“My god Jim what happened?”

Jim (stern voice)

“You just go back to the house mother”

Voice of young boy (Meconium) narrates

I remember the first day I got to go to the school library and I looked up my name because someone said that I was named after fetus @#%$ and there it was in black and white that my father had named me after fetus @#%$. I don’t harbor no ill because my father has a rare and cripplin disease that causes him to act out in a violent way towards the human testicle. I don’t harbor no ill that here I lay on my back floating in a river as my father drains my nut sack.

Jim (wipes his 1957 superswift pocket blade on his Dungaree’s)

“Boy you got’s to stop singing that”

Meconium (singing) “ I harbor no ill that here I lay on my back floating in a river while my father drains my nut sack”

Meconium narrates

I used to love reaching in my pockets and feel one testicle lightly clack on the other.

Jim

“How’s that cold Kentucky river water feel on those testicles boy?”

Meconium

“Fine daddy”

Meconium narrates

I put a pen in my front pocket one day. My balls where so swollen I didn’t know that the pen had drawn all kinds a strange things on them. I ran over to my friends house to show him but he said his daddy gets real angry when I come over and beats him with a ford. I didn’t believe that his daddy beat him with a Ford, so I went home and asked my daddy if my friends daddy beat his son with a Ford and daddy got mad and kicked me in the nuts.

Jim (tries to lighten the mood)

“You best go back to the house and put some peas on that pair”

Meconium narrates

I like peas

Jim

“Now you don’t be tellin all your little friends about this at school, you hear?”

Meconium narrates

I layed in bed feeling my heart beating in my testicles and my eyes throbbing, popping frozen peas in my mouth and finally falling to sleep.

[William Haskins]

i suspect that being such a little prick to people like derek who are obviously dedicated both to their craft and to providing feedback on forums like these will make it difficult for people to warm up to you.

[Fartin Mowler]

He should have just ignored me.

[dpaterso]

Martin, I appreciate your feedback, it's always refreshing to get a new and different point of view. The worst thing that can happen to a writer is to think he's in any way talented and that he's producing material that's in any way sellable. That way lies arrogance, and arrogance spawns a delusional environment that stifles creativity. For a writer to grow, he must first realize that he needs to grow. You've helped me see this more clearly.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[Fartin Mowler]

So? what? I'm still a jerk and you can't write :lol


I'm just kidding :rolleyes alright calm down all of you...Derel your a classy guy and you have put a ton of effort into writing and anyone "normal" person would acknowledge that. Yes...it's the whole thing of having a bunch of people to throw stuff out to and get an honest reaction. I hope that you don't think that I was just being spiteful because I don't operate that way. I hope we can all can work together to become better writers and that doesn't mean how to dot your "i's, it means being able to hold each others attention and hopefully one day we can impress the real critics.

[William Haskins]

I hope that you don't think that I was just being spiteful because I don't operate that way.

of course you were. he criticized your carelessness and lack of any in-depth knowledge of format, or apparent desire to learn same.

so you attacked his writing and him personally.

[Boobsie Malone]

EXT. HILL - DAY

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water.

JACK
Why do I always have
to carry the pail? How
'bout some Women's
Lib?

JILL
(stopping in tracks; directed at his back)
You know what? Screw you!
You bitch and moan but
where's that lazy ass day in and
day out? That's right!
Parked on the f ucking sofa.
"Jill, get me a beer, would
ya?" "Jill, where's the remote?"
"Jill...?" You think I work at Crazy Girlz
for my health, you son of a bitch?

Jack fell down and broke his crown.

JACK
Jiiiiiiiillllllllll!

And Jill came tumbling after.

JILL
(Re: the pail)
You'd do anything
wouldn't you?
(trips over a exposed root)
Lazy aaaaassss!

FADE OUT.

[A Pathetic Writer]

Too many wrylies.

[Vigorish9]

it has occured to me that at some point in my career i might have to ask boobsie malone a favor.

so, i'd like to be the first to say how well written thsse piece was. though i am familar with the world of jack and jill, nobody has painted in the light you have.

making jack the common man, and that bucket... don't know what the bucket symbolizes, but i'm sure you do... and that's the point. you know.

you took me to the world, of that hill, and bucket and every wrylie was used perfectly.

you're very good boobsie. keep fighting the good fight. here's to you - raise them up fellas, we have a writer in our midsts.


vig

[Boobsie Malone]

It has occured to me that at some point I'll have to say no to those who ask me for favors.

Thanks for the feedback, Vig! You're a star! Keep on keeping on.

[Fartin Mowler]

so you attacked his writing and him personally.

I think your taking it harder than Derek :rolleyes

If your ever going to submit stuff for someone to read that's not your mom/dad/friend or relative you better get used to rejection :lol

Good Job Boobsie :D

[William Haskins]

If your ever going to submit stuff for someone to read that's not your mom/dad/friend or relative you better get used to rejection

nice try, sport.

[William Haskins]

EST. HILL - DAY

BOOBSIE MALONE (20s), her pupils exploded into inky-black pools of mischief, pours the contents of a test tube into a well.

C.U. ON TEST TUBE: The acronym L.S.D. is written down the side of the glass.

Boobsie chuckles and disappears into a thicket of weeping willows.

EXT. HILL - MOMENTS LATER

Jack (16), horny and clumsy, chases JILL (16) up the side of the hill, trying to peek under her skirt. She giggles and climbs the hill faster, and he moans under his breath as he catches a glimpse of white cotton.

JACK
I've got to have you. Now.

JILL
Leave me alone, ya perv. I'm thirsty.

They reach the top of the hill and Jack draws up a bucketful of water.

JACK
After you...

Jill smiles and cups her hands together. She dunks them in the water and pulls them to her lips.

Jack watches her every move and then drinks.

They sit together on the grass as the sun sets before them.

EXT. HILL - NIGHT

Jack moves closer to Jill in the gathering shadows and stares into her eyes.

She sees his longing, and bursts into laughter. This sets off Jack and, within seconds, both are howling insanely.

Jill stands up.

JILL
God is talking to me through my fillings.

JACK
What's he saying?

Jill listens.

JILL
That math is a lie.

Jack snorts with laughter and takes off down the hill.

JILL
Wait up!

She takes off after him, gathering momentum.

JACK
You want me? Come get-

He trips on a branch and flies head-first into a rock outcropping.

Jill sees his tumbling sihouette and screams. She, too, falls but tumbles harmlessly through the tall grass until she comes to a stop beside him.

Jack lies face down in a patch of daisies.

JILL
Are you okay?

Jack rolls over, skull cracked open, a pinched chunk of brain meat exposed.

JACK
The flowers have teeth.

Jill smiles at him and leans close. She laps her tongue across the bloody tissue.

JILL
I own your thoughts now.

She giggles and climbs to her feet.

Jack looks up. Full-on crotch shot.

FADE OUT.

[Vigorish9]

EXT. TOP OF HILL - DAY

JACK
what's the big deal me coming up here
with this stupid pail? over and over.

JILL
we're like famous, me and you.
I'm jill, and your jack. that means something.
that's what we do.

JACK
why though? i never get thirsty, even
when i walk up this hill like ten thousand
times a week... maybe more... that crazy
kid in jersey who reads the story like twenty
times a day... shouldn't i get thirsty?

JILL
do you always have to question things?
why can't it just be? we walk up the hill
and people love us for it.

JACK
I don't know... at least he gets to do something
fun.

he points across to a WOLF, huffing and puffing --

JILL
he's gets killed at the end. jeez -

JACK
yeah, but he has fun before it...
we don't even kiss... i know what some
people think we're about jack and jill... up
that hill... why can't we go into that pigs brick house,
get the bed from the little bear, and chill out for
a story or two... maybe light a fire...

JILL
just get the water, and roll down the damn hill
boys...


vig

[kojled]

vigorish

am currently working on a rewrite of your jack and jill submission. it's good but could use tweaking. you'll see what i mean. will post soon. hope you like it


z

[Vigorish9]

lol. to funny. yes, i'm reaching through screen to strangle.

vig

[SimonSays]

EXT. HILL – DAY

JACK, 30, and his wife JILL, 25, make their way up the hill. Jack’s carrying a pail.

JILL
Isn’t it about time we get indoor plumbing?

JACK
I like the well water. Besides fetching it’s good exercise.

They reach the top of the hill. Jack fills the pail with well water.

JILL
Miss Muffett has indoor plumbing.

Jack’s pail stops mid-dip

JACK
Who?

JILL
Your mistress – the one you’ve got stashed away in that penthouse apartment.

Jack steps back from the well.

JILL
The one you bought a treadmill for.

Jill moves towards Jack.

JACK
It’s not what you think.

He takes another step back

JILL
It’s exactly what I think.

She shoves Jack hard.

EXT. BOTTOM OF HILL –DAY

Jack, skull cracked, lies at the bottom.


INT. JILL’S HOUSE - DAY

A PLUMBER fits a massage-head on the new shower. A Newspaper lies on the floor. The Headline: MISS MUFFETT, 23, DEAD AFTER EATING POISONED CURDS & WHEY – NO LEADS.

[Fartin Mowler]

Well, I'm enjoying these so far...especially Williams.


God is talking to me through my fillings. :lol


:o

[Spartakiss]

Personally..I think Simon's is a "White Riot"!

[Oops..I made another Clash-reference..bad Sparta (slaps wrists) BAD!!]

Seriously, ladies and gents, I applaud your endeavours! They are much fun!

Cheers,

~Sparta~

[Fartin Mowler]

I was going to suggest doing pieces of Romeo and Juliet...but I edited it because I think it would be too difficult. I like the idea of writing about relationship and throwing every possible wrench into the mix.

[Fartin Mowler]

I figured that today I would try writing something a little more mature :rolleyes I just can't get into detail...As a script writer is it that important that I detail every scene ? I like dialog :( Here is a cop thing I'm working on


It's Friday and I might have beer later and I will wierd it up a bit :lol

UxbrigeTownline&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp

Scene one.

Large house party in the rural Uxbridge county. Some of the young people have spilled out of the house into a dark back field layered with fence high corn. An echo of a rifle shots that seem to be coming closer from the back 40 has some of the party kids scattering for cars and others that actually live there grabbing flashlights and calling the police.


Scene two

Local cop Phil Booker speeds to the scene but two miles before reaching the house finds a car deep in a ravine, a body laying down a stream and what looked like someone running away, but it’s too far to make out.

Phil stands outside of car, gets on the patrol car speaker

“I saw you...so if your drunk you might as well just find your way back and I can help you”

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
Scene three (Phil sits in car calls dispatch)

“Carmen? Can you send an ambulance and Steph and Rahid over?”...(long pause) “Oh and ask Steph on the way to ask my wife for my boots” “got a car in the ravine two miles west of the Smithe house and it looks like one dead in a ravine, and still haven’t made it over to the Smithe house”

Scene 4 (Slippery boots)

Officer Phil hadn’t worn his heavy work boots because he only lived down the road and figured it was just a party that needs to be broken up or some farmer pissed off at the kids shooting off his shot gun.

Phil turns around to climb down ravine (Phil mumbles to himself kinda knowing the person in the ravine is dead already)

“I’m coming so if your still alive... you hang on there”

Phil slips down most of the way in his smooth bottomed “Duck hunting” boots, landing on the bottom in a “walking like dog” position, cursing”

“Dammit I hate this @#%$”

Scene 4. Pool of blood
Rahid and Steph (arrive with no siren) Rahid is second generation Pakistani having no distinguishable accent and doesn’t wear a turban. Steph is a new female recruit wondering if she has made the right career choice.

Rahid (yell’s down to Phil)

“We got your boots” (struggles with ropes in trunk of cruiser) “I will be down in a minute”

Rahid looks at Phil and sees a look of distress. Phil stands in a pool mixed with blood and mud.

Phil

[William Haskins]

why do you resist format?

[Vigorish9]

he's not resisting. he read a screenplay that was in the format he's posting in. i did the exact same thing when i posted on donedeal my first time five years ago.

i read a screenplay that was formatted that way, couple of them and everytime i see a newbie post like that i smack myself in the back of the head laugh to myself and blush a little.

vig

[Fartin Mowler]

I don't like your format :x

EST. HILL - DAY

BOOBSIE MALONE (20s), her pupils exploded into inky-black pools of mischief, pours the contents of a test tube into a well.

C.U. ON TEST TUBE: The acronym L.S.D. is written down the side of the glass.

Boobsie chuckles and disappears into a thicket of weeping willows.

EXT. HILL - MOMENTS LATER

Jack (16), horny and clumsy, chases JILL (16) up the side of the hill, trying to peek under her skirt. She giggles and climbs the hill faster, and he moans under his breath as he catches a glimpse of white cotton.

JACK
I've got to have you. Now.

JILL
Leave me alone, ya perv. I'm thirsty.

[SimonSays]

Uh.... Fartin - Like it or not, if you want to write a professional screenplay - that is the format you need to use.

Any agent or producer who received a script in your format would open to the first page and toss it in the trash.

[Vigorish9]

he has the correct format fm

[Fartin Mowler]

I will adapt. I still don't know where to put comma's :lol

[Noah1]

:lol

Damn, Haskins. That's some of the funniest stuff I've read in a while.

"God is talking to me through my fillings."

"That math is a lie."

"The flowers have teeth."

:lol

[scripter1]

All the format in the world ain't going to help HIM!