Rate this dialogue

[Caroyles]

This is a dialogue that I wrote between the patient and the psychiatrist. Tell me your thoughts


INT. DR MYSTIC'S OFFICE - DAY

Miranda and the patient sit facing each other. She flips her
file for a moment before putting it down.

MIRANDA
Mr Lang, tell me what troubles you?

GARY
Call me Gary!

MIRANDA
Gary then!

GARY
I'm feeling for this person. This girl,
Ashley, a girl that I think I shouldn't be
involved in.

MIRANDA
You love her?

GARY
I don't think it has gone that far yet.

MIRANDA
Have you had sex with her?

GARY
Excuse me!

MIRANDA
I'm sorry if this question is a little too
harsh but I feel that I need to know so that
I can better understand your situation.

GARY
(uneasily)
Yes...I did.

MIRANDA
Thank you!
(a beat)
So how does she feel about you?

GARY
I never asked. I didn't dare to ask.

MIRANDA
Why not?

GARY
I fear I might not like the answer.

MIRANDA
You fear rejection.

GARY
It's not only about the rejection, it's the
dunk sinking feeling in the heart. The pain
is sort of physical.

MIRANDA
Gary, it's all in the mind.

GARY
I have tasted rejection once. I won't want
to try it again.

MIRANDA
When did you first tasted rejection?

GARY
Back in high school.
(sigh)
She was just an ordinary yet beautiful girl.
But I guess I wasn't too handsome for her.

MIRANDA
Did she tell you that you are ugly?

GARY
No, but that's what I figured anyway, or
else why would she reject me.

MIRANDA
It's lack of feeling.
(a beat)
Although I do agree that looks play a major
part, you don't look ugly actually.

GARY
Thanks! You know that's exactly what she
told me when I had sex with her.

MIRANDA
Oh!

GARY
Ya, she was the first ever who told me that.

MIRANDA
Hmm...Gary, I think you need to build up
your confidence. You're lacking self-
esteem.

GARY
How can you tell?

MIRANDA
Are you forgetting I am a psychiatrist? Your
posture betrayed you anyway. Even onlookers
can tell.

GARY
It's just the way I am. I don't think I can
change it. Not even you can cure me.

MIRANDA
That's what you think...The mind is a
powerful machine. If you think that it can't
be cured, then it's never going to be.

GARY
I did try.

MIRANDA
Then you didn't try hard enough.

GARY
But that's not the whole point I'm here.

MIRANDA
Yet it is Gary. The lack of confidence is an
annoying barrier that prevents you from
expressing your feelings to Ashley. The
barrier must be removed before we can
discuss about other problems.
(a beat)
Do you agree?

Gary was speechless for a moment.

GARY
I just wish I can cry.

[Noah1]

English is your second language, no?

I don't like any of this dialogue. It's not realistic. It doesn't ring true. None of it sounds natural.

I have no idea what the story is about, nor what the point of this scene is, therefore I have no frame of reference from which to judge the importance of all of this.

There are some unnecessary exclamation points. There are grammatical errors...not errors due to colloquial speaking...but errors due to English not being correctly spoken by the characters.

None of the doctor's dialogue is good. None of it sounds like what a shrink would ask a patient or the method by which the shrink would direct the conversation. She also reaches her conclusions with some amazingly unbelievable leaps in logic, and her advice is rather dubious.

But, there's not much I could suggest to improve it. I think it should all be totally scrapped and you should start over.

[Writing Again]

What Noah said plus this comment:

Newbie writers are told (correctly) that something must happen in each scene. However there is more to it than that.

Gary seems to have achieved some form of insight here -- A beginner might believe that something happened in this scene. Unfortunately, in terms of a screenplay it has not.

In real life a person might look up at the sky, see a vague cloud form pass by and suddenly achieve an insight that changes the course of their life.

But it is all internal: Nothing visual. A novel can handle this very well: You can go right inside the person and the reader can experience something happening.

In a movie something has to happen -- That the audience can connect with -- It has to be something the audience sees or hears that effects them.

If a man sitting in a bathtub suddenly jumps up and screams "Eureka." the audience does not connect the scene with a discovery about water and gold -- They connect it with a naked man jumping up and down in a bathtub.

So you must first decide what you want the audience to react too -- Then you must make it visual or auditory or both -- Or effectively "nothing has happened" in that scene.

[Caroyles]

Thanks guys for taking the time to rate it. I made a revision. Hope this one works out now!

INT. DR MIRANDA MYSTIC'S OFFICE - DAY

Miranda and Gary sit facing each other. She flips her file for a
moment before putting it down.

MIRANDA
Mr Lang, tell me what troubles you?

GARY
Call me Gary.

MIRANDA
Gary then.

GARY
I'm feeling for this person. This girl,
Ashley, a girl that I think I shouldn't be
involved with.

MIRANDA
Are you in love with her?

GARY
I wouldn't go that far.

MIRANDA
How far is your relationship with her?

GARY
(feeling uneasy)
Er...I don't know how to put it.

MIRANDA
I can't help you unless you tell me.

GARY
(Still feeling uneasy)
Will this be kept...confidential?

MIRANDA
You have my word, Gary.

GARY
Ok...hmm...I met her at a legal lady house.

MIRANDA
Lady house?

GARY
A whore house, but I would preferred to call
it the lady house.

MIRANDA
Okay.

GARY
So, she was sitting there among with six
other ladies.
(a beat)
She really shines among them. Her beautiful
eyes were fixed on me. I felt seduced
instantly. You do know what happen next
right?

MIRANDA
Yes.

GARY
The feeling builds up each time I visit
her.

MIRANDA
Can you remember how many times have you
visited her?

GARY
Six times.

MIRANDA
(a beat)
How does she feel about you?

GARY
I never asked. I didn't dare to ask.

MIRANDA
Why not?

GARY
I'm afraid I might not like the answer.

MIRANDA
Rejection?

GARY
Yes!

MIRANDA
How do you feel about rejection?

GARY
I feel...queasy and hurt.

MIRANDA
Have you ever been rejected before?

GARY
Yes, back in high school.
(sigh)
She was just an ordinary yet beautiful girl.
But I guess I wasn't good-looking enough for
her.

MIRANDA
You guess?

GARY
Yes, I couldn't think of a better reason why
she would reject me.

MIRANDA
You never asked her why?

GARY
No, I was too upset to ask. Besides, does it
matter?

MIRANDA
It does. At least that way, you wouldn't
think it's because of your looks.
(a beat)
You don't look ugly actually.

GARY
Thanks! You know that's exactly what Ashley
told me when I had sex with her.

MIRANDA
Oh.

GARY
Ya, she was the first ever who told me that.
But I don't know if she is sincere or not. I
mean, she is a service lady. She could have
say that to all of her clients.

MIRANDA
That's what you think. You shouldn't jump to
conclusion.

GARY
But that's what the sex forum says about
them too. They lie so that the clients will
come back. It's part of their job.
(a beat)
That's why my mind is in a twirl. I don't
know what I should do.

MIRANDA
I can't tell you what to do Gary. This is
something that you must try to sort out
yourself.
(a beat)
My advice to you is that you express your
feelings for her. Don't make wild guesses.
It's futile and nothing can be solved. Try
asking her out for a nice romantic
dinner...then confess your feelings for her.
See what she says about it. If she rejects
you, you can come see me again.

GARY
There's just one problem.

MIRANDA
What is it?

GARY
The pimp wouldn't let me take her out.

[maestrowork]

First, is Miranda a psychiatrist? If so, tell us.

Second, I think it's the film medium and you want to have a dialogue, but usually in a psychiatric office, you dont' have a back-and-forth Q and A conversation like that. Gary would have spoken more, revealing more and more, with Miranda probably prompting him once in a while. Probably more along the line of "and how do you feel abut that?" She wouldn't ask questions like "Do you love her?" -- that's putting the patient on the spot. Instead, she would lead him with an open question so that he's more inclined to devulge information and his feelings. If the patient is talkative, the doctor would allow him to do a stream of consciousness, while she jots down the pertinent information for her files and analysis. Only when the patient is quiet and withdrawn would the doctor try to prompt him.

Also, psychiatrists don't usually suggest anything concrete for the patients to do, or try to solve their problems on the spot. They'd more likely prompt the patients to think on different things and consider all options, to come up with their own solutions to their problems eventually. They may make general suggestions, but they usually don't tell them what they should do. And they tend to do it over many sessions.

Watch "Donnie Darco." I think the psychiatric scenes in that movie is quite realistic.

[Caroyles]

MIRANDA
Are you in love with her?

GARY
I wouldn't go that far!

Does it sound better?

[Writing Again]

The most obvious question is not "Do you love her?" but "Why do you feel you should not be involved with her?"

Professional counselors of any kind tend to build their questions from the statements supplied by the clients.

Another area for curiosity would be, "You say you had sex with these women who rejected you. At what point did you feel rejected?"

I mean as a guy I notice that most women reject me before sex, not after. What gives?

[Vigorish9]

as far as it looks as i scroll by it, it's pretty tight. i'll admit that i don't know what genre it is, but i'll say it's not a comedy...

but it would read 100x times better if it was a comedy.

so, my input is that as a comedy this is funny in that guy has a problem shrink patient scene.

but as anything other than a comedy, it's kind of straight forward question and answer thing. missionary sex.

i would disagree that the next step would be to revert back to even more of the q@a for this scene.

okay, here is the only, and real mckoy input. if this is a drama, i'd have to read the set up to this to realy give you a proper assement of the work.

all in all, you have the right feel to he writing but the feeling is as a comedy i give the writer the benefit of the doubt and i read it as understated subtle humor in the world of a character driven comedy.

but anyway else it reads as a terrible lifetime or oxygen underdevolped, over dramatized housewife flick that stars jacklyn smith and the guys from RIPTIDE.

vig

[Caroyles]

Thank you for your time, I will be posting a revision soon...should I post it in a new thread or this thread?

[kojled]

caroyles

i think 'clunky' is a fair description. is english your second language? if so, you have a long way to go. if not, you have a long way to go


zilla