The Bad Query Thread

Attn Mr. Obvious Woman's Name -----------------------

My amazing novel is the next Harry Potter. It's about this dude and he likes this gurly, hot chickadee, you know what I'm saying? But the girl isn't digging him, like he's digging her, you know? So he kills her. The end.

Yeah, I'm teh best author in the whole universe. You better represent, cuz I've got the goods, the game, everything.

I want an agent cuz I need to get a million dollar dealio. I'm looking for the dough, fo sho.

You better reply ASAP, cuz tons of agents are gonna be knocking at my door, offering to give me money upfront and to wash my lucky drawers. You know what I'm saying?

Sincerely,
Mr. BadWriter FoSho

P.S Didn't enclose no stinking SASE. Spend your own money on a crappy envelope, you freakin' cheapskate.

Dear Sir or Madam, won't u read my book? It took me years to write won't u take a look?

Got ur attention, right? Ha ha - pretty funny huh? Anyway - remember me? I'm the one whose left u like 25 messages on ur answering machine. I guess u dont return calls - so i decided to write to u.

So like I said in my messages, I wrote this book. It's pretty cool if I do say so myself. And I just did. Ha ha. My book is kind of like that guy James Paterson or whatever only its like fan fiction.

Here's my story... Sailor Moon and Pokemon end up in this time warp and they join forces with The Highlander and Xena Warrior Princess to fight against Darth Vader, Lex Luthor and Conan. The Barbarian - not the talk show host. Ha ha.

So anyway - how much advance do u think I can get? Hopefully its enuf to buy a computer. BTW - sorry about the bad handwriting. The book is in three of those black and white notebooks, but don't worry 'cos I numbered them for u.

I'm gonna be in the city next week to see my probation officer so I can drop them off to u. OK? Maybe we can sit and talk about it for a while. Oh yea, and I dont want it to be one of those cheap paperback books - Im thinking one of those real nice hardcovers with those paper jackets on it. Something classy, u know?

Anyway I gotta go now. Take it easy and dont work to hard LOL. See u soon.

Hugs,

Ann Rice (the other one - with no E)

PS Do u think I'm gonna have to change my name? Ur the agent LOL.

((Follow up letter two weeks later. After no reply--duh!))

Yo, Secret Agent Man,

I wrote u like ten letters so far. U getting them? I guess ur busy, but to busy to write back about the best book since Gone With the Wind? I dont think so! I just dont get it. I tried to drop off the three notebooks when I was in the city, but ur secretary said u werent there. BTW - ur secretary is very friendly with the mailroom guy. He was in there talking to her when I got there. I herd some of their conversation and I think their doing it. Ha ha.

So like when do I get my contract? I was talking to my Probation Officer about the book deal and she said that was a really good idea because its hard for convicted felons to get decent jobs. Like what are they gonna do, let a drug dealer work at Walgreens Pharmacy or something? BTW - u need any weed? I can get u a really good deal - Just kidding Ha ha.

So like I was thinking about the movie rights for my book. I got some ideas about that, too. I was thinking about Britney for Sailor Moon but she's preggo again so maybe like Jessica Simpson. For The Highlander, maybe Mel Gibson will be out of rehab by then. Then for Xena I was thinking Lindsay Lohan because Lucy Lawless is too old now to be Xena. Then for the bad guys - Kevin Spacey was really good as Lex Luthor in that new Superman movie so let's just get him. For Conan, I think Arnold is too old, but maybe that would be good because there's this cool scene when Sailor Moon kicks the hell out of Conan. It doesnt matter who plays Darth 'cos you don't see him anyway. Oh yea, and for Pokeman, Danny De Vito. Can we get Tim Burton to direct? Or maybe Quentin Tarentino. Whichever one is free, but just not that dorky guy from the Andy Griffith Show. He sucks. After the movie, maybe it can be a tv show like Buffy, you know? I think I can come up with more stories for the show good as the first one.

So anyway Im enclosing a form from my Probation Officer for u to sign to prove Im actually looking for work. She gave me an envelope for you to, with a stamp on it and everything. She says if I dont look for work, its a violation of my parole. So like just sign it, or get ur secretary to say I was there looking for u. Tell her Im the one who was there when she and the mailboy were talking about playing horizontal hockey at lunchtime. Ha ha.

So like anyway, while ur secretary was flirting with the mail boy, I got the direct phone number to ur office off her phone. So if I dont hear from u in a day or 2 I'll just call u direct, ok? Then maybe we can meet for one of those power lunches. Ha ha. Do they have power lunches at Mickey D's? Cos thats all I can afford until I get my advance.

Talk to u soon. Oh yea, I forgot to tell u I decided on a title. I was thinking about " The Clash of the Titans" - I know somebody already used that, but I looked it up and u can use titles again. Mine's prolly better anyway.

Hugs. Ur newest author,


Ann Rice (the one without the E)

Dear Mrs. Agnet,

If you don't buy this novel I'll kill myself.

And I know where you live, too.

love
your next big author

Dear Mr. Agent,

I've completed a picture book, BOYS ARE CUTE, at 5,000 words. I've thoroughly researched children's publishing. It's rhyming and I've enclosed really cute illustrations that my darling five year old son drew. He'd love to be a published illustrator. The blue scribbles are boys, by the way.

BOYS ARE CUTE is highly acclaimed. My daughters, all five of them, just adored it. They used to think boys were icky, but now they think boys are cute, so my writing is highly persuasive. I read it to my daughter's kindergarten class and it got rave reviews. They just adored it. In addition, the school librarian and teacher just ate it up.

BOYS ARE CUTE has also been highly praised by every member of my family. My cousin says, "This is the next Goodbye Sun. That's the name of that famous kid's book, right?" My grandma says, "This girl is the most talented writer ever. J.K Rowling and Steven King step aside. Bow down to the superior writing talents!" My mother-in-law thinks this would be a great TV show for the younger set, so this has great potential. My husband also thinks I should pursue writing as a full time career.

As you can tell, so many people love my book, so obviously you will, readers will, and eventually, the reading public will.

Sincerely,
Highly Esteemed Writer

((Two more weeks later - third query))

hEY aGENT sMITH,

Agent Smith - like in the Matrix, get it? Those movies were soooooooo cool. I mean - woah.

So what's with u guys over there at the William Morris Agency? I thought u guys were the best. I tried calling u and they said the number was changed to an unlisted number. When are u giving the new number to us clients?

And another thing. My Probation Officer didnt get that form. U trying to get me in trouble or something? When I went in last week for random drug testing, she said she never got it. Wassup with dat?

So anyway, I showed the book to my friend Ray and he was saying it was real good and all but he did say one thing that got me thinking. Like it's Sailor Moon, Pokiemon, Xena and The Highlander against Lex Luthor, Conan and Darth V, right? Well Ray was saying that's 4 against 3. So like he was thinking we should add another bad guy so when Sailor Moon is whipping Conan's butt, Pokie isnt just standing there with his hands in his pockets if you know what I mean. So I got to thinking and I couldnt really come up with another really good bad guy - so I picked SATAN. Is that cool or what? Can't u just see Poke kicking Satan's a$$? Or maybe it should be Xena against Satan. I didnt figure that out yet.

So like now I'm gonna add some pages to the notebooks. Instead of writing it all over, I'll just tape the Satan parts in. Satan movies are real big now, right? Dont u think Tom Cruise would make a kick-a$$ Satan?

Well I gotta go now. It's almost time for The Dog Whisperer to come on. I'm studying that show 'cos I have this idea for another book where some guy wanders into The Dog Whisperer's pack and gets torn apart by the pittbulls. Cool, right? Only in my story The Dog Whisperer isnt Mexican 'cos I think he should be played by Kenau Reeves 'cos he is sooooooooooooo hot.

So tell ur secretary to fill out that form and send it out. OK? And call me with ur new number. Tell the mail guy I said hi. Are he and ur secretary still getting it on?

Ur favorite author,

Ann Rice (the one without the E)

Dear litter agent,

This is the opportunity you have been waiting for, little missy! My amazing book, MUSTANG SALLY TURNS CADILLAC PINK, is the deal of a lifetime. It's a 400,000 word fiction novel, and it gets better -- this is the first of a six-part series!

Enticed yet? Want to know more? Well lucky for you there is, honey! After the seven-figure advance you'll score for me, you'll also sell movie rights, licensing stuff (they can put my cool characters on rearview mirror hangy-things and such), movie rights and -- are you ready? are you really ready to hear this? -- movie rights! This sucker'll be the biggest blockbuster in history, and I know you know I'm not jerkin you around. Just giving you the straight dope.

And don't you feel lucky, doll, that I'm giving this incredible deal to you. Now go on and pop a champagne cork or two before you send me the contract -- but please take all those 15% things out, honey, come on. You can do better than that, and with all the money you'll make off my amazing book you really don't need 15% of my profits anyway. I know you're willing to do whatever it takes to get this deal with me, so I'm willing to wait a day or so for you to respond.

See, I'm a dream client. Big bucks and easy to work with.

Anyway, I can't wait to see your signature on those papers in a day or so. You're gonna be real happy with this, babe, I promise you.

Signed
Sal Esman
------------------
Thanks Soccer Mom, this was fun!

Dear Miss Agent,
Please present the enclosed manuscript to publishers. I am looking for a major publisher such as Tandem House. My book has 30000 words and it is an supernatural erotic thriller set in outerspace containing a conspiracy secret so great that will destroy the very basis of Western Civilisation, but highly literary in style, something like Ulysses meets Star Wars meets the Da Vinci Code.

The Vampire Princess Hoh-inarrah's whole world spirals out of control when she meets Pierre Beaulieu de Richelieu, a French Barron desceded from Louis XIV, whose inner demons have revealed to him the Secret of the Fourth Reich, by which the tiny city-state of Appenzell-von-Kleinmuendingen has catapulted Hitler's Third Molar in a golden casket, into space. The secret of this Casket can only be revealed, by desciphering a Code which can only be found by placing the King James Bible in an online translation service by which every fifth letter is elimenated and words are formed by placing the remaining letters in the cage of a Gorilla captured in the dungeons of Furzwangen-von-Zappelweiler. Through telepathy, Hitler's ghost then reveals the secret formula what will lead to the Molar and drag it down from the capsule that is circling in space. But first, Nasa headquarters must be overthrown and in a breakneck car-chase through the streets of pre-war war-devastated Warsaw, the President of the United States is assasinated by a villain worse, than your worst nightmare. As I mentioned above the style is highly literary. I have decided to write this book without the letter I, so as make it an enticing read for aficionados of literary puzzles.

As this book wil be in higfh demand from publishers and Movie studios I would prefer you to proceed with secret negotiations immediately, through a Literary Auction. I have chosen you because I see you represent Authors such as Phillip Roth and Ernest Hemingway.

My pen name is Princess Doctor Claudia Von Pieksieben-Hotzenpotz, my legal name is Mabel Dong. Checks should be made out to the latter.

Please only call me during regular office hours.

Mabel Dong

Dear Agent,
A day has passed and I have not heard from you.
Please know that I will not allow any kind of slacking off when I hire you. I hereby give you 24 HOURS NOTICE to send me the cotract or else I shall hire Stephen King's agent.

However, I forgot to name the title of my fiction novel yesterday. It is entitled "THE VON WAGNER CODE" because, the operas of Wagner plays an important role in the unravelling of the Mystery, which I forgot to mention yesterday (the Code is embedded in the Soprano Solo in Act III). Also, the Vampire Princess Doh'Inarrah, is an opera singer and the first Erotic love Scene takes place backstage at the Vienna State Opera, only it turns out it was really onstage, and they didn't realise till too late!!!

Right, now the clock starts clicking. 24HOURS, Starting from NOW. I am sending this per email even though you said you dont accept email, because of the UREGENCY of the matter.

Princess Doctor Claudia

To whom it may concern,

I know you are the perfect agent for me based on my exhaustive research on you. So here's my short story for you to present to magazines. It's a childrens horror story.

I'll take payment of a dollar a word, since I know that's the going rate for beginners for fiction, but I'd like more than that if you can swing it.

I'm working on a novel too, which is what I really want you to sell for me. That's why I sent you this short story first, so we could both get a warm-up type of thing.

Thank you,
Y. Ikes

Hi Ya!

Do you remember me? We met at that party where I spilled my drink on you twice. I did that to get your attention so when I decided to query you, you'd remember me.

I have finished my romance story and even though you specialize in non-fiction, I knew you'd want to represent me.

Romance In Your Oven is not about receipes. It is about hot love made while my MC is trying to cook dinner and her lover enters the kitchen when she's bent over. Unfortunately, this is a true story and my insurance company can provide a copy of my claim as proof to my having to go to the hospital with third degree burns on my throbbing member, from the au jus from the roast she was cooking.

Looking forward to seeing you at the next party!

Yours truely,

Burney Hodcloffer

Dear Agent,
You agents are nothing but bloodsuckers. You wouldn;t recognise talent it was hanging from your nose. I;ve had enough. I;ve been querying you mother***er agents for a WHOLE MONTH and you are such a stuck up elitist bunch NOT ONE Of you has replied. Not only have you no manners you are timewasters and downright EVIL.
I wouldn;t even bother to write you but I just wanted you to know that I have FOUND A PUBLISHER on my OWN, Thank YOU! What do yuo say to THAT!

My publisher is called PUBLISHAMERICA and it has seen my wonderful talent and will bring me into bookstores from sea to shining SEA! When you see my fiction novel VON WAGNER CODE in all the booksrores staring back at you and it is a blockbuster Movie starring Tom Cruise and Oprah you WILL REGRET how you have treted ME!!!!!!!!

So THERE!


PRINCESS DR CLAUDIA

Dear Cur,

Please find attached a perfect-bound copy of all three 2,900 page books of my trilogy "Huey Lewis and the News Fight The Orcs."

Please advise as to whether or not you will be sending my advance via check or paypal.

Thanks

Dave

Dear Ms. Agent,

I am a multi-published author. My multi-published works have come out from multiple online publishers, and I'm sure many multiple readers have read and liked them. At least, I haven't gotten any e-mail or anything from readers, and no news is good news, right?

With this huge platform I've established for myself, marketing me and my work should be easy. My novel Babes in Troyland is an alternate history, complete at 100,000 words, but that can easily go up or down as the market dictates. I've enclosed the full manuscript for your review.

I hope to hear from you soon. But if I don't, I'll know that you've decided to take me on and submit my book to publishers, since no news is good news.

Sincerely,
Dimm Bulb
------------
Okay I've got to stop. This is getting addicting.

Soccer Mom said:

weeee! These are fun. Babes in Troyland wins the award for best title to date (with honorable mention for Romancing the Oven). Alternate historical erotica, right?

Click to expand...

Dear Agent,

I am certain that you will want to represent me because I have written the greatest and most appropriate book for the diaper crowd ever. "1000 Ways To Artfully Express Yourself With Poop", will forever end the toddler's question of "Now that I got it out of my diaper, what do I do with it?"
Instead of smearing in his/her hair the toddler will learn how to fingerpaint a masterpiece that mom can show off with pride.
Comes with a vacuum sealed starter kit.

You want to represent this great book!

Yours,

A. MOM

((Three days later - fourth query))

Look bud, this is getting serious now. I picked u because u are the head of that William Morris place and because it says on ur site u represent several NY Times Bestselling authors. Well duh -- dont u know a NY Times bestseller when one hits you in the a$$? Who reads that dumb list anyway? That paper costs 4 bucks on Sunday and the president says its full of left wing lies and cr@p anyway.

Do ur homework, man. Like there are millions of Sailor Moon fans out there. Same goes for Pokemon and Xena and The Highlander arent on TV anymore but they still got tons of fans and tons of fan sites going. And NOBODY is writing any books about them. I mean I was in Barnes and Noble and I couldnt find ONE. Everything in the fantasy section is that dragon stuff and books by that guy Piers Anthony. Is he gay or something? He writes an awful lot about little elves and fairies. And then there's that Lord of the Rings stuff. The movies are all out - they are on DVD already. Lord of the Rings is like soooooooooooo over. And now that Satan is on the side of the evil guys, think of all the Satan worshippers who will buy it just to see if he wins. Of course he won't win, but he will escape with the others so there can be a sequel, right? Isnt that the way you guys do it over there at William Morris?

So like I've been talking to some of my friends over at the Absolute Write Water Cooler boards and it looks like u are ignoring a lot of us really good authors. U better watch out because that PublishAmerica place is creeping up on u. One of these days, they are gonna be numero uno and u guys are gonna be looking for jobs.

So look, dude, get that slutty secretary of urs to type up that contract and send it out to me pronto. Try and do it before my Probation Officer revokes my probation and I end up back in jail, ok? I got a lot of friends and if that happens, my boyfriend Guido will meet u outside ur office at 1325 Avenue of the Americas and kick ur a$$ one night. Got that?

And because ur taking so long, tell ur secretary to reduce ur commission to 10%. You know what they say, right? U snooze u lose.

I dont wanna get nasty here, but u arent treating ur clients right. So I'm thinking about going to that Preditors and Editors guy Dave and complaining about u. My book is better than any of that cr@p on the bestseller list now and we both know it. So why dont u get off that butt of urs before us guys at AW decide to form our own agency and put u clowns out of business? We got the goods, baby, and I'm beginning to think u wouldnt know a bestseller if one crawled up ur butt and died.

I'll be in the city on Friday. I gotta drug test AGAIN. So I'll drop by and see what's shaking with u, OK? Hey, sorry about all the nasty words, but damn its frustrating to wait a whole month for ur agent to return ur calls and letters. Do u do that to Dan Brown? I bet he has ur number. Just think of me as the next Dan Brown and start playing nice with me ok? Oh yea, and Guido says he knows where u live, too.

Later dude.
Ur disgruntled client (I looked that up in thesaurus.com on my friend's computer. It means p!ssed. Remember I have no computer till u come up with a CHECK?)

Ann Rice (still no E)

Ann's query letter to Les Editions Denöel

Look at the bud, this obtains serious now. I selected U because U are the head of this place of William Morris Franco and because it indicates on the site U of ur represents several authors of Bestselling of time of NY. Good Duh -- U know don't a best-seller of time of NY when one strikes you in the a$$? Who reads this deaf-mute list in any event? That paper costs 4 males Sunday and the president indicates its full with the lies and the cr@p left of wing in any event. Make the work of ur, man. Like has million moon ventilators there to him of sailor outside there. Even goes from now on for Pokemon and Xena and the mountain dweller arent on the TV but they always obtained tons of ventilators and tons of going from sites of ventilator. And NOBODY writes any book concerning them. I want to say that I was the lucky find ONE in Barnes and of noble and of I couldnt. All in the section of imagination is this substance and books of dragon by Anthony pillars of this type. Is it gay or something? It writes a terrible fate about small elves and fairies. And then there is this lord of the substance of rings. All the films are outside - they are on DVD already. The lord of the rings like the soooooooooooo more. And now that Satan is side of the bad types, think of all the admirers of Satan who will buy it just to see whether it gains. Naturally it will not gain, but it it with the others will escape so much there can be a continuation, right-hand side? Do Isnt what the manner you of the types do it over there in William Morris? Thus as I had spoken with some about my friends more to the absolute write panels of cooler of water and to resemble them to him U are unaware of many us the really good authors. A better watch of U outside because this place of PublishAmerica crawls upwards on U. One of nowadays, they will be uno of number and the types of U will seek work. Thus the glance, type, oblige this secretary slutty urs to type to the top of this contract and to send me outside to him to it pronto. Test-and make-the before my officer of test withdraws my test and I finish to the top behind in prison, ok? I obtained many friends and if that occurs, my boy friend Guido will meet U apart from office of ur to avenue 1325 of Americas and will give a kick the ur a$$ during one night. Obtained that? And because the ur taking so much a long time, indicate the secretary ur to bring back the commission of ur to 10%. You know what they say, right? The snooze U of U lose. I do not want to become malicious here, but the customers of treatment arent of ur of U well. Thus I think of going to this type Dave de Preditors and writers and to complain about U My book is better than an unspecified part of this cr@p on the list of best-seller now and us both let us know it. Thus why U don't they obtain in addition to this end of the urs before us of the types to the aw decide to form our own agency and to put clowns of U out of the businesses? We obtained the goods, baby, and I start to think that wouldnt of U knows a best-seller if one crawled to the top of the end of ur and died. I will be in the Friday city. I obtained with the test of drug STILL. Thus I will drop myself near and will see what shakes with U, OK? Hé, sorry about all the malicious words, but rotten its frustration to await a whole month the agent of ur to return calls and letters of ur. do U do that with brown daN? I bet that it has the number of ur. Just think of me like next brown of daN and begin the nice play with me well? The yea of Oh, and Guido indicates that it knows where U of phase, too. A late type. Opposed customer of Ur (I looked at that upwards in thesaurus.com on the computer of my friend. He means p!ssed. Do you recall that I do not have any computer until U to provide a CONTROL?)

Rice of Ann (always no E)

Hey, it's me again!

Sorry I missed you at the last party and hit the lady behind you with my drink. I was hoping to refresh your memory.

I haven't heard from you, but that's okay cuz I figure your busy enjoying Romance In the Oven and finding a publishe for mer.

In the meantime, I've come up with Well Butter My Bisquits which shows how easy it is for the MC when entertaining her lover can be caught up with buttering bisquits and end up putting a couple of slabs between my nads.

I've had great reviews, especially from the hospital staff, which I found laughing when I woke up after hitting my head on the stove when I slipped on a slice of butter that apparently had slipped out.

I hope you're able to sell my two books because I need the money for the hospital bills and frankly, I'm not sure writing is healthy for me. Do you think I should become a sports writer instead?

Maybe we could meet for a drink sometime? If not, I'm sure I'll see you at another party and hope not to miss you. I just wanted to explain that my cousin's boyfriend's mother's future husband recommended you.

Still yours,

Burney Hodcloffer

Soccer Mom said:

weeee! These are fun. Babes in Troyland wins the award for best title to date (with honorable mention for Romancing the Oven). Alternate historical erotica, right?

Click to expand...

Thanks, Soccer Mom! Love this thread! I've laughed so hard, I'm crying!

Hey guys, remember to vote for this thread, this one could be a classic!

To Whose It Can Concerned:

I am writed to you, cuz I want you to published my novel, OBOE GIRL. It's about a girl that played da oboe. She's really good too, a pro dudes. Yessir, it's one delighted novel, intended for senior citz. It's 708 words.

You need to make a magazine and put it in there, K? That's what agents do, righto?! Yepperz, that's what they do. So make OBOE GIRL the novel of the year.

Sincerely,
Lover of Oboes

P.S I would prefer if you answers dis by phone, anytime btw 1:30 AM-1:40 AM. See, dudiez, how flexible and easy to worked wit I am?