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Ted
05-18-2006, 11:25 PM
For critque only:

She Entered Uninvited

She entered with a key he did not give her.
She entered uninvited.

Her clothes were dropped onto the floor
her hair let down, she waited.

When he arrived and saw her there,
a knife was in her hand.
A stab of fear sank to petulance, as
With graceful turn and lift of arm
she placed the knife beside a pear
upon a plate next to the bed.

A gift, he thought, she gives to me,
no reason to resist. I’ll scold her later
and explain
my comittment to another.

He lay beside her as she shut her eyes,
he tasted of her skin. He allowed his lips
to find their way, behind her ear and down her neck.
She arched herself and lifted up,
her hand went out and returned
a slice of pear, she fed to him.

“You wanted it and here it is,”
he settled between her knees.

“Oh no,” she said, “you mistake my lust.
I did not choose you for your thrust
into my core but for the cut.”

“Look at me,” she commanded.
His head came up, she locked him tight
against her body with her heels;
she cut his throat.

Eyes closed tight, mouth open wide,
she luxuriated in the spray of blood.

As he wrestled for his life,
she murmured soft a lullaby,
and rocked him to his rest.

BlueTexas
05-19-2006, 02:49 AM
Ted, you might have better luck posting this in the Share Your Work forum, which is for crits.

Ted
05-19-2006, 03:30 AM
I thought of that - but I sort of wondered if it fit the horror genre.

?

Bartholomew
05-20-2006, 05:24 PM
I thought of that - but I sort of wondered if it fit the horror genre.

?

The crit section is divided up into genres once you enter the password. =)

Though the horror section therein seems to move like MOLASSAS!

Bartholomew
05-20-2006, 05:35 PM
The poem stirs up vivid imagery for me, by the way, but I'm very picky about my poems, and you write in a style that isn't really one I'd go back to. There don't seem to be any problems with it, mind you, I'm just of a mind set that poems should have a certain rhyming structure.

That said, I actually loved the opening.

She entered with a key he did not give her.
She entered uninvited.

Her clothes were dropped onto the floor
her hair let down, she waited.

It has a steady beat that I like and keeps my interest the way those hard structured rhyming poems I like do. Don't change this part, ever, its perfect.

You lose me in the third stanza on the word petulance. I'm not quite sure why she's doing what she just did, and the sudden change in structure--and the lack of the structure above feeding INTO this structure--makes me resist going any further.


A gift, he thought, she gives to me,
no reason to resist. I’ll scold her later
and explain
my comittment to another.


I would rewrite this entirely. If you insist on the third stanza having a different structure from the first two, I would make THIS stanza revert BACK to that structure.

I like the general idea. It'd be a very good scene for a book or short story. Doubtless it can work as a poem too, but in the current form, I'm just not feeling it. I don't claim to be able to produce good poetry, mind you; but I do enjoy good poetry. This has a spark that I can appreciate, but its... how do they say? A diamond in the rough.

Best,

Bart

Ted
05-20-2006, 10:43 PM
I don't really care where this resides...if someone can move it, gp ahead.

Bart,

I like the opening too but I wasn't sure if the rest was salvage-able. The ideas take over the expression, if you know what I mean. I've found I'm too easily self satisfied... :(

Maybe a re-write, maybe a new poem.

Thanks,

Bartholomew
05-21-2006, 03:29 AM
I don't really care where this resides...if someone can move it, gp ahead.

Bart,

I like the opening too but I wasn't sure if the rest was salvage-able. The ideas take over the expression, if you know what I mean. I've found I'm too easily self satisfied... :(

Maybe a re-write, maybe a new poem.

Thanks,

Don't get yourself down. Nothing comes up perfect the first time. =)

If you're feeling bad about it, place it in a folder and work on something else for a bit. When you come back, you might be able to look at it differently.

Bart

gothicfaery2001
05-21-2006, 03:49 AM
Written satisfactorily or not, I thought it was a sexy poem. If I ever have to be murdered by another woman, I hope she's as tantalizing as this one: )